So, it was a short visit lol. FIrst the nurse came in to take my blood blessure with the machine, it compresses my arm so tightly it feels like an implosion, and because i'm in chronic pain, ever minor pain makes me burst into tears. So when the nurse leaves, to get someone else to do my blood pressure i start crying. She doesn't come back btw.
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Next my PCP comes in, to which i'm hiding my crying face behind a face max. I give her my 'report' of all my symtoms, and then she asked me questions to which i still could not stop crying so my mom is answering. I tried to stop and slightly succeeded and talked for a bit. She touched my face and asked me if it hurt where she touched, sometimes it does hurt on touch (this morning it did)
She was nice and recommended me to a nuerologist to find out "once and for all" and lamented that she couldn't offer me more helpful advice. She said my pain is muscular and i should try heating pads if it helps me get relief. She told me to have more vitamin D (but i don't give a shit about that) She wished me a happy thanksgiving and then that was it.
Oh, my mom also got angry at me because i only lost 6 pounds since the last visit... i'm literally fucking suicidal, i'd rather be fat and happy then be in THIS ABOMINABLE STATE OF CONSTANT PAIN.
I hated that i was crying in her office. I prepped for this visit. I typed up all my symptoms to make her assessment easier. but then the nurse gave me unnecessary pain, and she NEVER got my blood pressure, WTF, thanks for nothing????
Sometimes i want to just die, but then i live for those moments when i'm in bed and it's quiet and i'm not in pain and it feels like that's all i'm living for now, for those few moments where i can convince myself everything is normal again. I'm afriad to do things because i don't know what makes my pain worse. Because simple acitons made it worse and i hate living with fear hanging over my head
My dad said everything in medicine can be cured but all i feel is doubtful and exhausted. i feel like i'm just getting blown off. The neurologist the ENT rec'd does not take my insurance, but my PCP rec'd another group that does. And my ENT did not send over my file to my PCP like he was supposed to.
I understand. Gosh, I wish there was something I could do.
@SarahMLFlemmer you're so sweet, i'm just feeling so discouraged. I know doctors help in a lot of ways, but in my case i feel like no one has a clue and doesn't even bother to find out what's wrong.
@SarahMLFlemmer Both of my parents are actually doctors, but neither of them have a clue what's happening and only blamed, gaslit me, and screamed at me (entirely by my mom) over the past months. When my face was burning in the summer, my dad looked into my eyes and told me it was normal, while my mom told me it's because i'm fat. I feel so betrayed....
@Marina Moon it's hard for people, probably, because they cannot understand and they cannot fix it. Try to give them some grace in that, and in the meantime grace for you too. Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. I am to sorry that this happened to you too.
Good lord... what is wrong with this world. So sorry you are going through all this. I pray for better days for you.
@Marina Moon - everyone in my life the same. Sadly they cannot understand. It would be nice if they believed us. We understand you. Find a way to forgive them. We are here for you.