@xLuchiaaa This is not it. Pls seek out for help and get some urgency care for your mental state. You have to consider meds at this stage to get more control over your dark thoughts. Dont let t/h to win be an option.
I symphatize with you, had the same feelings daily for months. But well... can only say.. try to take small steps in areas which you can improve, go easy on yourself, try to listen to inspiring things, live healthy (plant based for me), calming music, and fun distractions, and structure, talking to someone.. take it easy, and sending you love