- Nov 5, 2017
- 67
- Tinnitus Since
- September 7th 201&
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Came on with tonsillitis, unknown
Hi all... I haven't posted anything in a while, even though I was a near constant presence not all that long ago. I realised yesterday that I think it's a year almost to the day that I developed tinnitus (I say 'almost' because as I didn't develop it after a specific noise trauma, it's hard to pinpoint a date). I remember it being noted that once people are better or start to cope, they don't come on here anymore and I wished that they would, so in that spirit here I am.
T/W Just to warn those who may need warning, I will be discussing depression, anxiety and suicide during this post so please don't read on if you want to avoid that.
I don't expect anyone to have read any of my previous threads as I was never a big name on here, so I'll give a quick background.
One year ago, I became really unwell with what I thought was just tonsillitis (as I get that quite often), but for the first time I had a new symptom of a noise like radio static in my ears. It bothered me and I was worried, but I tried to ignore it as I thought 'it'll go away when the tonsillitis does.' I was moving into my new student house the next day so I didn't have time to be ill. On the drive down to uni, noises were bothering me and I felt very tense. We stopped at a motorway services station and I could hardly stand being in the Costa Cafe because I felt it was so loud - though my mum assured me it wasn't. After a few days in my new house, I found myself sitting on the lounge floor wrapped up in pyjamas and dressing gown, incredibly ill with tonsillitis, sobbing on the phone to my mum. The tinnitus had got much louder to a constant whine, and it was causing me so much distress that I couldn't sleep or eat. I constantly felt like I couldn't breathe, and like I was going to lose my mind. That night I experienced the first of many of what I would come to recognise as extreme panic attacks; I was in cold sweats, unable to breathe, my limbs felt stiff, I was nauseous, I had a burning headache, I couldn't breathe and I was having heart palpitations. I went to A&E (ER) at 3 am. The doctor gave me antibiotics for the tonsillitis and assured me the tinnitus would go away, and I clung to that.
Back in the family home, I spent 2 weeks straight just on the sofa, focused on nothing but the tinnitus which had started to consume me. I obsessively observed how my actions affected it, including medicine (which I stopped taking) and food, which I would have stopped eating had I not been under my mum's watchful eye. The hyperacusis was so bad that I insisted we have the TV and radio off at all times, watched everything with subtitles and despite my parents having conversations in whispers I sat with foam earplugs in and headphones over the top because it was still too loud. My mum tried to give me a neck massage to ease my stress but I'd read that neck injuries can affect tinnitus and I refused to let her touch me. I only slept when I was too exhausted to stay awake, and my anxiety became so intense that I had to sleep in my mum's bed the entire time I was staying; I was genuinely afraid that I would die in my sleep, and yet I woke up almost every morning wishing that I hadn't.
While I recovered from the tonsillitis, I remained very unwell for the next six/seven months. I had half a dozen unproductive doctor's appointments where I was dismissed almost without fail (even by an ENT).* I returned to university but from September to December I didn't go to a single event, eat dinner with my housemates or even watch the television once. I left the house less than a dozen times, failing even to attend lectures. I ate rarely and when I did I cooked briefly and alone for fear that someone would make any noise - even someone getting cutlery out of a drawer was enough to send me into a spiral. I quit my job which I loved because I couldn't stand to even leave my room, so severe was my anxiety and hyperacusis.
*Eventually, I was diagnosed with anaemia, which I only note because in some cases this can actually be a cause or exacerbating factor for tinnitus and so I would urge anyone out there to get this checked out.
I have suffered with episodes of mild depression and anxiety since I was about 15, and had done especially in the preceding year because of several traumatic events in my life (which I won't go into here) but the depression the tinnitus sank me into was utterly unparalleled. I was afraid to talk to anyone because I had become so isolated and conversations were too loud, plus I was far too afraid to take antidepressants because I had heard they could cause or worsen tinnitus. I didn't even drink anything except water for f ear of making things worse. I had thought I knew what suicidal meant before this - I didn't. I fantasised about ways I could do it, spent hours researching it, planned a note in my head. I terrified myself because, as someone who has always wanted children, I had decided I would never have any because I wanted to keep the option of suicide open to myself. One night I sad in the bath holding the razor blade I had already self-harmed with. Another, I walked to the canal at 2 in the morning and got in fully clothed, but didn't put my head under because I was afraid the water would make the tinnitus worse.... which is blackly funny if you think about it. I could have died, but the tinnitus is the important thing. That incident was actually in March, more of a setback during my road to recovery which was exacerbated by some other horrible events that took place at the same time and pushed my to focus on the negatives in my life.
During those months where it was at its worst (Spetember to about January) I never took my earplugs out and often wore peltor earmuffs over the top just in my bedroom because of the unbearable traffic noise (which now I'm much recovered, I realise is barely noticeable). I cried when my mum's text tone went off, and asked my housemate to turn her radio off when she was downstairs and I was upstairs. I wore 17dB musician's earplugs to the bathroom, the kitchen, and whatever small ventures I made outside. I snapped at my best friend for laughing near me. I never thought I could either recover or learn to live with this.
But here I am, one year later. Compared to the beginning, the tinnitus is markedly quieter than it was, and more consistent - less manic wine glasses and more quiet static. I am tempted to say it's been getting progressively quieter, but I may just have been progressively noticing it less. I do still have moments where I notice it intensely, and feel frustrated by it, but those moments are decreasing and they are fleeting. I still have my earplugs on me at all times to put in if someone turns the music up too loud or something, and I have to be warned if there's going to be a fire drill at work, but I've even been to parties (with the earplugs in), out to restaurants and I'm now living a very normal life which I feel so grateful to be here to experience. So to anyone out there in the early days, I am not going to be one of those people that tells you to stop worrying about it or to just ignore it, or to get over it - I just want you to know that eventually, even if you're stuck in the darkest corners of your mind like I was for such a long time, you will be okay. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to get by, even if that means staying in your room for six months (because in the big scheme of things, 6 months isn't all that long). Tinnitus itself and the mental and physical repercussions it has are as individual as they are real, and anyone who hasn't experienced them cannot understand no matter how hard they try, so never feel bad about just focusing on what you need - in the end you are the only person who knows. And I have to say, I never thought of myself as a strong person, but I do now, and when you come out of the other side of this you will think you are too. You are going through and learning to cope with something only a handful of people have to, and that's amazing, and it would be ridiculous if you didn't find it difficult. Don't lose sight of that or let anyone tell you otherwise.
T/W Just to warn those who may need warning, I will be discussing depression, anxiety and suicide during this post so please don't read on if you want to avoid that.
I don't expect anyone to have read any of my previous threads as I was never a big name on here, so I'll give a quick background.
One year ago, I became really unwell with what I thought was just tonsillitis (as I get that quite often), but for the first time I had a new symptom of a noise like radio static in my ears. It bothered me and I was worried, but I tried to ignore it as I thought 'it'll go away when the tonsillitis does.' I was moving into my new student house the next day so I didn't have time to be ill. On the drive down to uni, noises were bothering me and I felt very tense. We stopped at a motorway services station and I could hardly stand being in the Costa Cafe because I felt it was so loud - though my mum assured me it wasn't. After a few days in my new house, I found myself sitting on the lounge floor wrapped up in pyjamas and dressing gown, incredibly ill with tonsillitis, sobbing on the phone to my mum. The tinnitus had got much louder to a constant whine, and it was causing me so much distress that I couldn't sleep or eat. I constantly felt like I couldn't breathe, and like I was going to lose my mind. That night I experienced the first of many of what I would come to recognise as extreme panic attacks; I was in cold sweats, unable to breathe, my limbs felt stiff, I was nauseous, I had a burning headache, I couldn't breathe and I was having heart palpitations. I went to A&E (ER) at 3 am. The doctor gave me antibiotics for the tonsillitis and assured me the tinnitus would go away, and I clung to that.
Back in the family home, I spent 2 weeks straight just on the sofa, focused on nothing but the tinnitus which had started to consume me. I obsessively observed how my actions affected it, including medicine (which I stopped taking) and food, which I would have stopped eating had I not been under my mum's watchful eye. The hyperacusis was so bad that I insisted we have the TV and radio off at all times, watched everything with subtitles and despite my parents having conversations in whispers I sat with foam earplugs in and headphones over the top because it was still too loud. My mum tried to give me a neck massage to ease my stress but I'd read that neck injuries can affect tinnitus and I refused to let her touch me. I only slept when I was too exhausted to stay awake, and my anxiety became so intense that I had to sleep in my mum's bed the entire time I was staying; I was genuinely afraid that I would die in my sleep, and yet I woke up almost every morning wishing that I hadn't.
While I recovered from the tonsillitis, I remained very unwell for the next six/seven months. I had half a dozen unproductive doctor's appointments where I was dismissed almost without fail (even by an ENT).* I returned to university but from September to December I didn't go to a single event, eat dinner with my housemates or even watch the television once. I left the house less than a dozen times, failing even to attend lectures. I ate rarely and when I did I cooked briefly and alone for fear that someone would make any noise - even someone getting cutlery out of a drawer was enough to send me into a spiral. I quit my job which I loved because I couldn't stand to even leave my room, so severe was my anxiety and hyperacusis.
*Eventually, I was diagnosed with anaemia, which I only note because in some cases this can actually be a cause or exacerbating factor for tinnitus and so I would urge anyone out there to get this checked out.
I have suffered with episodes of mild depression and anxiety since I was about 15, and had done especially in the preceding year because of several traumatic events in my life (which I won't go into here) but the depression the tinnitus sank me into was utterly unparalleled. I was afraid to talk to anyone because I had become so isolated and conversations were too loud, plus I was far too afraid to take antidepressants because I had heard they could cause or worsen tinnitus. I didn't even drink anything except water for f ear of making things worse. I had thought I knew what suicidal meant before this - I didn't. I fantasised about ways I could do it, spent hours researching it, planned a note in my head. I terrified myself because, as someone who has always wanted children, I had decided I would never have any because I wanted to keep the option of suicide open to myself. One night I sad in the bath holding the razor blade I had already self-harmed with. Another, I walked to the canal at 2 in the morning and got in fully clothed, but didn't put my head under because I was afraid the water would make the tinnitus worse.... which is blackly funny if you think about it. I could have died, but the tinnitus is the important thing. That incident was actually in March, more of a setback during my road to recovery which was exacerbated by some other horrible events that took place at the same time and pushed my to focus on the negatives in my life.
During those months where it was at its worst (Spetember to about January) I never took my earplugs out and often wore peltor earmuffs over the top just in my bedroom because of the unbearable traffic noise (which now I'm much recovered, I realise is barely noticeable). I cried when my mum's text tone went off, and asked my housemate to turn her radio off when she was downstairs and I was upstairs. I wore 17dB musician's earplugs to the bathroom, the kitchen, and whatever small ventures I made outside. I snapped at my best friend for laughing near me. I never thought I could either recover or learn to live with this.
But here I am, one year later. Compared to the beginning, the tinnitus is markedly quieter than it was, and more consistent - less manic wine glasses and more quiet static. I am tempted to say it's been getting progressively quieter, but I may just have been progressively noticing it less. I do still have moments where I notice it intensely, and feel frustrated by it, but those moments are decreasing and they are fleeting. I still have my earplugs on me at all times to put in if someone turns the music up too loud or something, and I have to be warned if there's going to be a fire drill at work, but I've even been to parties (with the earplugs in), out to restaurants and I'm now living a very normal life which I feel so grateful to be here to experience. So to anyone out there in the early days, I am not going to be one of those people that tells you to stop worrying about it or to just ignore it, or to get over it - I just want you to know that eventually, even if you're stuck in the darkest corners of your mind like I was for such a long time, you will be okay. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to get by, even if that means staying in your room for six months (because in the big scheme of things, 6 months isn't all that long). Tinnitus itself and the mental and physical repercussions it has are as individual as they are real, and anyone who hasn't experienced them cannot understand no matter how hard they try, so never feel bad about just focusing on what you need - in the end you are the only person who knows. And I have to say, I never thought of myself as a strong person, but I do now, and when you come out of the other side of this you will think you are too. You are going through and learning to cope with something only a handful of people have to, and that's amazing, and it would be ridiculous if you didn't find it difficult. Don't lose sight of that or let anyone tell you otherwise.
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