6 Months In... Now I'm Suicidal

[pytajnick]

DON'T READ IF YOU ARE NEW TO TINNITUS OR HYPERACUSIS! THE ODDS THAT YOU WILL HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE AS ME ARE STATISTICALLY VERY LOW.

Hi, everyone!
I don't know what to do.
I am 30 years old, male. My T started 6 months ago in one ear. Overusage of earbuds or one acoustic trauma might be the reason behind it. Don't know for sure. After 6 weeks I've started to notice some improvements but after that point, my condition started getting worse and worse. I acquired a few new sounds to original hiss, my T attacked other Ear after 2 months and I started to develop reactivity to sounds. On top of that my mild sound sensitivity evolved into full blown hyperacusis during the last 2 weeks.

The worst thing is the fact that it all happened even though I would say I'm using earplugs more than I should according to what my ENT and GP's are telling me. Now I'm in a catch 22 situation. Constant using of earplugs at work where noise levels are at 75Db seems to gradually increase my sound sensitivity (or this is what I was telling myself). On few occasions when I tried to limit their usage I experienced spikes of T, increase of H and some new sounds (some of them permanent). I can really live with my baseline T but having reactivity, and Hyperacusis is way too much for me.

Tonight I've reached rock bottom. I ditched earplugs at work when the machinery was off, spent some time listening to music at home at a medium level, took a bicycle ride. All of this to start making progress toward desensitization. Nothing that you would consider as a "loud" situation. Nevertheless, as a result, I was unable to sleep this night because I couldn't mask my T with cicadas sound (usually it could cover all frequences, not anymore) and if I really tried by increasing the volume I was only creating distress due to hyperacusis. Melatonin and sleeping tea don't help (the used to). I have trazodone but I am afraid to take it due to its ototoxicity. I took it several times before and it seemed to help (not always) but I still can't say if it didn't add to my worsening. It's hard for me to keep register what things seem to help and what seems to make it worse because my situation is so dynamic.

I have another visit at an ENT department in August (UCLH in London, before I had one visit at the local ENT clinic with some basic test, and MRI refferal) but I am afraid I won't make it till then. Because of the worst night I've had since the onset, today I took a day off at work and visited my GP. I was fortunate to have blood tests taken at the hospital today at last. Other things, causes that I've explored and had checked during the last 6 months?
ear infection (no success with steroid nasal sprays, damatic spike with neti pot),
otoscopy, endoscopy and tympanometry (for ETD),
had MRI scans,
Thyroid check,
standard audiogram up to 8000 Hz... everything's in order ( but I am sure I always have had some hidden hearing loss, I've also done frequency sweep online which goes stable up to 13000 hz except for a noticeable drop at 8000 in right ear, after 13000Hz it gets much quiter, reaching 16000 then it's all silence).

Suplements?
I regularly take magnesium, NAC, omega 3, B complex, Selenium ACE, tumeric powder, . Tried also vipocetine, ginko and L-Carnosine. Who knows if any of them makes any difference. Maybe without them my condition would be even worse:/

What's left to check? TMJ (I have underbite but how on Earth can I stand dentist visit), Lyme disease, herpes, bacterial infection, neck? Still didn't have tinnitus loudnes matching or LDL tests. My T is not tonal and at worst is made of several sounds (some diferent for both ears) so frequency match would be very hard if not possible. Maybe I should just lock myself at home for a year or so and wait...

I am afraid of leaving home, my anxiety goes through the roof but I am afraid to take AD medications (are there any that are not ototoxic?). It's hard for me to explain what's happening with me to anyone even professionals. After each worsening I was somehow able to deal with it but now my coping resources are long gone and I am starting to accept the idea that my situation will inevitably get worse. Being in my skin and having the same experience would you expect anything else? Why just not to end this suffering right now. Because I am a socially anxious introvert I was in a depressive state even before the onset... I don't have a spouse or my own place. My job which I like now is literally killing me but finding another one is just above my mental capabilities right now. I live with the family but I guess I am nothing but a burden for them. I told them about my struggle more times than I should. If I were them I wouldn't believe that someone can suffer so much without any visible symptoms. During the last 3 years I was working hard and made many sacrifices so I could return to my country with some savings and start a new, decent life. And when I was just starting preparations for my great comeback...THIS HAPPENED!

I am searching this forum for hope but I can't find any success stories that would fit into my situation. Is there anyone who found himself/herself in a similar situation and somehow recovered, improved?
other treatments, medications I should look into?
any experiences with UCLH?
Actionable insights will be highly appreciated!

ps. sorry for my English

 

[Pomme]

Personally I have found mirtazapine/remeron to be a helpful A/D and doesn't appear to have had any side effects to myself. A low dosage should make you drowsy and help you sleep.
I too am in the middle of trying to work out how to deal with tinnitus & Hyperacusis. I'm trying to rest my ears as much as possible to give them a chance to hopefully heal but it doesn't seem to be working that well. I often feel like just saying "sod" it and keep living life with sound as normally as possible but fear of making the situation a lot worse makes me hold back.
I think it's good that you are still working. Keep going. You aren't alone in dealing with this. Hopefully you'll feel better soon.

 

[JoyBenz007]

Just know you aren't alone and talking about it on this site where many people are dealing with the same thing may not solve our problems but we can relate to one another. I hope you find what works for you and don't stop trying

 

[Michael Leigh]

Overusage of earbuds or one acoustic trauma might be the reason behind it.

Hi @pytajnick

The most common cause of tinnitus comes from using Heardphones/earpbuds or going to places where loud music is played: clubs, concerts and even the cinema. If you have been using earbuds a lot this is probably the cause of your tinnitus and hyperacusis. I advise you to stop using them and don't even listen to audio through them at low volume. Please click on the links below and read my articles: Tinnitus, A Personal View and Hyperacusis, as I see it. Try to read them in full and not skim through them. Use sound enrichment at night instead of sleeping in a quiet room. More about this is explained in the articles.

All the best
Michael
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-a-personal-view.18668/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/hyperacusis-as-i-see-it.19174/

 

[Spiral]

I sympathize. I feel the same way that you do. Still adjusting to the change of having to deal with the constant loud noise in my head. Apparently, life is good at throwing these obstacles at you and you have to just keep going. You and I are not all that different. I almost attribute the noise being that much worse because of being used to and enjoying the silence; thus robbing of a much needed escape. While I can't offer you a success story, I can offer my condolences and assurances that you aren't alone. Keep your chin up, it's got to get better for the both of us.

 

[Marc22]

Pytajnik:

I totally sympathise also.

You write that you work in an environment with 75 db levels. Isn't that what is making your h. worse? Have you considered quitting and living off your savings for a while? Or government assistance? You need a break in quiet environments. Your life may be at stake! Think about it!

The tranquiliser clonazepam helps me temporarily. Really feeling some temporary improvement always gives me hope.

You write: " I live with the family but I guess I am nothing but a burden for them. I told them about my struggle more times than I should. If I were them I wouldn't believe that someone can suffer so much without any visible symptoms. ". Why should you not be beleived? I do not get this! Please do not feel guilt or shame about your condition.

Take care.

I will check up on you.

Marco

 

[pytajnick]

Thanks everyone for some words of encouragement!

@Marc22

This is something that I consider at the moment. Probably something what I should do in the first place 5 months ago contrary to what omnipresent TRT school of thinking suggest ("don't overprotect, avoidance will make things worse"). I guess having hope that things will settle with some long rest is all I can do now. Thx

 

[Marc22]

Dear Pytnajnick:

I have had h. 21 years and I have never heard people say not to overprotect against REALLY LOUD SOUNDS, except for idiotic extremists like some at the Hyperacusis Network site. You don't overprotect against every day LOW sounds like at home or in a library or on a quiet street. An example, I put on ear plugs today to avoid the annoying sound that my DVD player makes with some DVDs. It was annoying because I am having a bad day. After taking the plugs out, my ears were worse. Should not have done that. But I will put on my muffs outside today to minimise all the truck sounds, lawnmowers etc... on my way home on my bike. When my ears were really good I never put muffs on outside because even all those trucks and lawnmowers could not hurt me as long as I fled pass them fast.

Hang on there. We all have been suicidal with these torments. Ears can improve: that is my experience of 21 years, but you have to protect yourself sometimes, and stay OUT of noisy environments at all cost!!

Marco