7 Months In, Anxiety Gone, Depression Set In...

[Chris Holland]

Hi Guys,

So this month is my 7th month and I left the worst of the anxiety behind me, I can sleep again without medication (although I do need ambient sound all night) and have quit taking benzos altogether which was a challenge to taper, luckily no increase in my tinnitus after tapering off the meds which is great for obvious reasons.

Anyway I started exercising again, going out more, met up with friends and spending more time with my family. I thought I was heading on the right track and even did not have the need to visit my psychiatrist as often as before ...

But now the last week I started becoming really depressed, all my efforts to regain normalcy feel so pointless because whatever I do, the bloody ringing is there the next day and the next and the day after that and with any luck it will be with me till I die.

Downtime is very difficult because I always need to be surrounded by sound, I am always aware and anxious of sound levels everywhere I go and I stil feel very handicapped and limited. The things that brought me joy before all seem like a mockery of my old life almost because even if I forget my tinnitus for some time during an activity as soon as I stop that activity or when the sound drops there it is again in all it's ugly glory. I still have very negative emotions towards the Tinnitus sound and sometimes it just gets to me so much I feel like what's the point. I feel tired all the time and it seems like there is no improvement at all at times ...

The only hope I have is that eventually with habituation the Tinnitus won't bother me anymore, I realise this is a lengthy process and I'm only 7 months in and this might take a few years.

Just wanted to vent and pick your brains on how you guys experience this or have experienced it.

Warmest regards,

Chris

 

[annV]

The only hope I have is that eventually with habituation the Tinnitus won't bother me anymore, I realise this is a lengthy process and I'm only 7 months in and this might take a few years.

At 24 months you will feel a lot better, they say.

 

[Mystery Reader]

@Chris Holland

Hi,

It looks like we started dealing with t at the same time (Nov. '17). First, congratulations on weaning off the benzos. I am still using clonazepam (0.5 mg) for sleep because I still need it, but it is encouraging to read that you were able to discontinue them with no spike in your t, as I know I will need to do this eventually, myself.

Second, it's great to know that you feel you've left the worst of your anxiety behind. From what I've read on this forum, it's a component of this thing that can be acutely connected to the level of it on any given day.

Two big hurdles since November is no small feat!

I understand so much of what you've posted, though. I'm finding that the sheer number of layers of it – the t itself, the anxiety, the depression -- can be overwhelming. If I don't get enough sleep, the following day is most likely going to be tough. I'm glad I found this forum, and try to follow the folks here with a more positive attitude, because let's face it – it can be so unpredictable from day to day and so easy to fall into fear mode, that if I'm going to spend even a part of the day reading about t, then I want to find some encouragement in there, somewhere.

I know, for myself, I can't let myself think of it in terms of 'the rest of my life.' I just try to handle it in terms of what it is today. (Easier said than done, I know, but the complete opposite of how I was thinking about it at the beginning.) I've worked with in-the-room sound enrichment (LectroFan WNG, YouTube videos, window fan) as well as an over-the-ear hearing aid/white noise generator combo. These things have brought me some degree of calm as I work toward finding just how to deal with this and get to, as you put it, the point where it "won't bother me anymore." I'm not there yet. And I think you're right – it does take time. Some days are better than others. Some days I wonder if I'm doing it all wrong. There are days when emotions are all over the place. But then there will be a day when, although it's there, I handle it better, and I try to look at that as a sign of improvement.

I think with t since November, we're still early in the game, hard as that is to believe, but so many of the people on this forum have been of great help with their input. There's great support here.

Here's hoping that tomorrow is a better day for you!


Mystery Reader

 

[zeroday]

The only hope I have is that eventually with habituation the Tinnitus won't bother me anymore, I realise this is a lengthy process and I'm only 7 months in and this might take a few years.

My habitation began about 8-9 months in...for me I had a very busy job driving a truck all over the country so I was distracted a lot...Your mind can accomplish amazing things...with time...I know I get looks of disbelief when I say I could not imaging life without my T...when I post on this support board I am hyper aware of my unmask able T and it is front and center but when I leave its back to normal...its there if I choose to listen to it and when I do its "nothing new here" move along

 

[Chris Holland]

At 24 months you will feel a lot better, they say.

Hi Ann,

Thanks for your reply, let's hope that's the case!
Certainly want to believe that ...

 

[Chris Holland]

It looks like we started dealing with t at the same time (Nov. '17). First, congratulations on weaning off the benzos. I am still using clonazepam (0.5 mg) for sleep because I still need it, but it is encouraging to read that you were able to discontinue them with no spike in your t, as I know I will need to do this eventually, myself.

Thanks, I'm very happy to have tapered the benzos, I was taking 0,5mg Xanax XR and 20MG Temazepam every day and was becoming lethargic from it, God knows I needed it though because I wouldn't have gotten through that first period without it ... Your dose is not that high, if you want to taper you can ask for Diazepam and build it down slowly over the course of a few weeks, I experienced no spikes at all and for sleep I take Melatonin pills now. What also is a real life safer is my sound pillow, it's a pillow with a small built in speaker which I play rain sounds on.

Second, it's great to know that you feel you've left the worst of your anxiety behind. From what I've read on this forum, it's a component of this thing that can be acutely connected to the level of it on any given day.

Yeah I'm happy about that too, the anxiety is really nasty with T, not gonna lie though, I still get a bit anxious from time to time and the depression ain't fun neither. It especially bugs me when I'm tired and just want to lay down.

I understand so much of what you've posted, though. I'm finding that the sheer number of layers of it – the t itself, the anxiety, the depression -- can be overwhelming. If I don't get enough sleep, the following day is most likely going to be tough. I'm glad I found this forum, and try to follow the folks here with a more positive attitude, because let's face it – it can be so unpredictable from day to day and so easy to fall into fear mode, that if I'm going to spend even a part of the day reading about t, then I want to find some encouragement in there, somewhere.

Totally get that, my thoughts exactly, this has to be the biggest challenge I've ever faced and I'm no stranger to challenges. This whole experience is so surreal sometimes, every day I wake up with it is still a very alien sensation.
This forum is great but like you said if you are going to read about T try and stick to the positive stories. It won't help your habituation by bombarding yourself with negative experiences, speaking with people in person helps too.

I know, for myself, I can't let myself think of it in terms of 'the rest of my life.' I just try to handle it in terms of what it is today. (Easier said than done, I know, but the complete opposite of how I was thinking about it at the beginning.) I've worked with in-the-room sound enrichment (LectroFan WNG, YouTube videos, window fan) as well as an over-the-ear hearing aid/white noise generator combo. These things have brought me some degree of calm as I work toward finding just how to deal with this and get to, as you put it, the point where it "won't bother me anymore." I'm not there yet. And I think you're right – it does take time. Some days are better than others. Some days I wonder if I'm doing it all wrong. There are days when emotions are all over the place. But then there will be a day when, although it's there, I handle it better, and I try to look at that as a sign of improvement.

I understand what you mean about thinking about it in terms of lifelong but I rather be realistic and be happily surprised if it would leave than to be hoping for it to go and in the end it never leaves. I just keep telling myself in time I will habituate and it will stop bothering me. This is something I have seen with others on this forum and in real life with people who I have spoken with that have tinnitus. Still a long road ahead of me though ...

I'm still using sound enrichment all the time, I've got a portable bluetooth speaker with nature sounds in the room at all times, I can't stand silence, it literally gives me a headache. The over the ear wng's I passed on because I felt like they might slow down my progress on being able to go about my day to day activities without masking.

It will take time but I'm confident we will get there like so many others have before us.

 

[Chris Holland]

My habitation began about 8-9 months in...for me I had a very busy job driving a truck all over the country so I was distracted a lot...Your mind can accomplish amazing things...with time...I know I get looks of disbelief when I say I could not imaging life without my T...when I post on this support board I am hyper aware of my unmask able T and it is front and center but when I leave its back to normal...its there if I choose to listen to it and when I do its "nothing new here" move along

Thanks for this! It's always greatly encouraging to read experiences like yours.

 

[Ed209]

Hi Guys,

So this month is my 7th month and I left the worst of the anxiety behind me, I can sleep again without medication (although I do need ambient sound all night) and have quit taking benzos altogether which was a challenge to taper, luckily no increase in my tinnitus after tapering off the meds which is great for obvious reasons.

Anyway I started exercising again, going out more, met up with friends and spending more time with my family. I thought I was heading on the right track and even did not have the need to visit my psychiatrist as often as before ...

But now the last week I started becoming really depressed, all my efforts to regain normalcy feel so pointless because whatever I do, the bloody ringing is there the next day and the next and the day after that and with any luck it will be with me till I die.

Downtime is very difficult because I always need to be surrounded by sound, I am always aware and anxious of sound levels everywhere I go and I stil feel very handicapped and limited. The things that brought me joy before all seem like a mockery of my old life almost because even if I forget my tinnitus for some time during an activity as soon as I stop that activity or when the sound drops there it is again in all it's ugly glory. I still have very negative emotions towards the Tinnitus sound and sometimes it just gets to me so much I feel like what's the point. I feel tired all the time and it seems like there is no improvement at all at times ...

The only hope I have is that eventually with habituation the Tinnitus won't bother me anymore, I realise this is a lengthy process and I'm only 7 months in and this might take a few years.

Just wanted to vent and pick your brains on how you guys experience this or have experienced it.

Warmest regards,

Chris

Hi Chris, don't put a time on your recovery. Take as long as you need. When I made the decision to quit my band I felt exactly like how you describe. Any remotely loud sound was like a reminder of what I'd lost and I hated it. I hated that I'd dedicated my life to music and that I wouldn't be performing it live anymore. I'd get friends asking if I was coming to this gig and that, and it was like: 'how many more times, my ears can't take it anymore'. I'd go to a shopping mall and I'd be cowering in fear; I would actually monitor the decibels everywhere I went. I had become withdrawn and depressed without a doubt. My life was utter s**t.

In those days and moments it's easy to get pulled down, and I mean really pulled down and kicked whilst you're there. I understand every single persons pain who is on this forum. When you're in that place you just want the ground to swallow you up and to be done with it. It all changed for me when I stopped caring about it so much, because I really was putting all my time and energy into tinnitus. I gave myself a plan - which is documented on here - to no longer react when I heard the noise (even though it's constant and very intrusive), and to start doing new and interesting things. I started back at the gym and I also started eating more healthily. Over the next few weeks there was a moment, a realisation, that I hadn't thought about tinnitus for a few hours. This continued. There was a point where a day went by and I realised it hadn't bothered me at all; not one bit. Before long, I was going through most of my days without thinking about it, or caring about it, whatsoever. It just became a non-issue.

I can't put a timescale on all of this, but it happened. I'm certain that if I hadn't have taken action, to pick myself up (I literally had to force myself to do these things because I was so low), then I'd still be ruminating and scared of all kinds of noises to this day. And, I'd still be depressed.

To succeed, we have to reintegrate ourselves back into the world, but with a few rules to live by. I broke the cycle of negativity and effectively broke the chains that binded me to the tinnitus. I believe you can too.

 

[Jazzer]

I broke the cycle of negativity and effectively broke the chains that binded me to the tinnitus. I believe you can too.

'WOW' - a superb post - probably the most encouraging I have read on here.
I savoured every word, and believed in it.
I hope everybody reads this.
@TracyJS .