Am I Obsessing About Tinnitus?

[Cityjohn]

I'm on the way back home from campus, where I went right after my hospital visit to reserve some space and equipment for experiments at the end of June. My final consultation with two internists went almost as I expected, but the ending was such that it made me feel like I had been thrust into a movie about a schizophrenic, and I was playing the main part.

They asked me about a mail I had written them with three exacting questions about MSG. With slight apprehension the doctor wanted to start discussing the results with me, quickly finishing on "but you've probably seen it all", and I nodded. They asked about why I had such a deep interest in the subject and I replied with several key statements involving MSG, glutamate, and tinnitus, my work until now and further plans. My insights and efforts were well received.

But then the conversation turned to a place where I like to keep being polite, but I've pretty much made up my mind about someones ability. The doctor mentions madame Curie, who died discovering ionizing radiation, and how testing anything on myself would be a bad idea. I shrugged it off as an obvious joke and said that anything I would try is of course already currently used in some clinics and won't be dangerous.
She didn't drop the issue. In total disbelief that I would have been able to both learn as much about this subject and continue with my life as usual, she said I am obsessive. I told her, she would be too if she had a dentist drill inside her head. And then she killed it, mentioning that she too has a slight noise in her head when she listens real closely in a silent room...

Perhaps I should have mentioned I've had a reasonably quiet period at university, and that far from skimping on daily responsibility I had made plans to start a company or two this summer, and to go on a long holiday. I wonder if I should have asked what contributions she had made to science or medicine, versus Curie, who took her X-ray truck all around to help wounded soldiers in WW I.

I felt like I was going into an office to confirm that indeed I didn't have any cancers, and to confirm they can't do anything. But instead of admitting they were wrong and helpless, they made me out to be crazy.
Here I was talking with two doctors that know full well how impossible it is to do clinical studies in humans with, for example, a large dose of MSG, and while they completely agree with me that it should also be impossible to serve large doses of it as food, somehow they didn't quite experience the same concern that I had.

Admittedly I had slight doubts there for a minute but they passed. On the way home I wondered if the inherent bias of a place like tinnitustalk, or the relentless search for a cure was detrimental to any of us. Now that I'm home, listening to Yngwie Malmsteen and Mozart, I am again reminded of something.
If Mozart had not existed there would not be a Brandenburg concerto. Without Yngwie we would not have Far Beyond The Sun. I've heard it said that the same does not apply for science, because if Einstein hadn't lived someone else would have discovered relativity that same year.
I adamantly disagree with this opinion, more than anything I know mathematics is far less exact than people think. When Feynman expressed quantum mechanics in hand drawings even Einstein laughed him off the stage. Today, Feynman diagrams are the only way to do it. I believe that down to its core, big steps forward in science are a form of obsessive art. Feynman had divorced twice for his obsession with physics.

My grades have not suffered, and my partner is only slightly annoyed with me
Honestly, does anyone here think I'm psychotic, for spending a lot of time on tinnitus?

 

[Ears Hurt]

You are one of the smart ones! Keep up the great work. I have serious hope in you!!!

 

[Mario martz]

Not psychotic at all.
you are dealing with a new problem, and you are also ready to look and find for answears.
you are doing the right thing!

 

[Marlino]

Haha that is hilarious.

How much are you bothered by your T and why?

 

[The Red Viper]

Dude there's nothing wrong with you. I feel the same way. When I saw my GP the second time, he said "now you're probably more conscious of how certain sensations feel and can become more anxious...etc." Internally I was furious. I know what's happening isn't just "in my head." Perhaps there is some anxiety or negative feeling, but no different than if I injured my hand or foot.

What we're experiencing goes above and beyond that anxiety, which I'll call "typical" for now. Typical is when your leg hurts or you have a standard tension headache from playing video games for 6 hours in a row. That kind of pain, and any associated anxiety, is manageable because it'll go away eventually. I remember telling a good friend of mine that I would rather have two broken legs than deal with constant ear fullness, headaches, and tinnitus. I still stand by that statement because I could still read in silence or focus in class in the case of broken legs. With T (along with what I see are common accompanying symptoms such as ear fullness and headaches) it's an entirely different ball game.

I do believe there is power in acceptance and equanimity, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to do whatever it takes to feel normal again. I feel similar to you in a way because it's almost as if this experience has given me a new "drive" in life. Like you I also had plans, and while I still wish to pursue them, I feel like I need to get this matter straightened out before I can move on. It's almost like my life is on hold at the moment. I'm the type of person that likes to "go all out" in whatever venture I pursue. If it's a class, I read all the assignments and go to all the classes. If it's something athletic/gym based, I like to give it my best. But when you have a f*cking headache and pain relievers don't help, it's really hard to do those things.

I know I'm just dragging on at this point, but let me finish with this: I've found that it's tough for people to truly empathize unless they've suffered from a similar condition.

TL;DR You're not crazy, you're just taking control of your destiny... nothing wrong with that.

 

[Sarah Russett]

One could probably argue that you are obsessed, but definitely not crazy. You are responding to a situation that is objectively shitty and made even more frustrating by the fact that it feels like we are the only ones who give a shit. (Thb that's probably actually true.) Anyway, WE like your updates, so who cares about them.

 

[Alue]

I think what's more important is where you fixate your attention or 'obsess'. Some of us can't help but fixate on things, and when you have loud tinnitus and you are one of those people it's damn near impossible not to.

Lets look at the alternatives:
You could fixate on the person that caused this, how they forever changed your life and how you should get revenge.
You could fixate on the negative: 'woe is me' 'my life is ruined'.
Instead I see you focusing on positive things, to bettering understanding of the condition, to research, to progress. I think that's a positive thing.

I do find it ironic you doctor used Marie Cure as an example, yes her work eventually killed her, but she is credited with saving near a million lives.
You are young and intelligent, maybe you can turn this whole ordeal into a positive thing and go into medical research?

 

[Mario martz]

I think what's more important is where you fixate your attention or 'obsess'. Some of us can't help but fixate on things, and when you have loud tinnitus and you are one of those people it's damn near impossible not to.

Lets look at the alternatives:
You could fixate on the person that caused this, how they forever changed your life and how you should get revenge.
You could fixate on the negative: 'woe is me' 'my life is ruined'.
Instead I see you focusing on positive things, to bettering understanding of the condition, to research, to progress. I think that's a positive thing.

I do find it ironic you doctor used Marie Cure as an example, yes her work eventually killed her, but she is credited with saving near a million lives.
You are young and intelligent, maybe you can turn this whole ordeal into a positive thing and go into medical research?

Better said, impossible....
you are doing the most positive thing you can do.
and also you are helping us understand more about this condition.
we have big hopes in your research... but please dont end up like marie curie hahaha we need you!

 

[Path Maker]

@Cityjohn I love your question here because it sets me on fire! No, you are NOT being "obsessive." What you are doing is manifesting your EXCELLENCE. Some people who do not have the same level of passion, attention, curiosity, intellect, intensity, etc. like to label others who DO. (Note that I said "some" people, because there are others who would simply admire and respect you.). Why anyone needs to try to boil your behavior down and label it (obsessive, or, any other term) speaks about THEM, NOT you!!

The work of the world comes from those who follow what ignites them. From those who can focus on what moves them, "social mores" be damned.

Good for YOU. Be who you are.

Lemme say this again: BE WHO YOU ARE.

Because that's who you came here to be.

 

[Path Maker]

P.S. The above also explains why I am here on this forum. I'm not going to be a major contributor to scientific research. But personally, I am a fighter. And while I continue to live life and keep balance, I am not a person who is going to develop tinnitus and just coast along with it. I'm someone who is going to address it, in any way I can, and to keep on searching. I'm not obsessive either. I'm: intensely focused. Have been all my life. And that's just FINE.

 

[Cityjohn]

Haha that is hilarious.

How much are you bothered by your T and why?

Well, it's a 16khz tone, 30 dB above my hearing threshold. I can't really go to symphony's or theater anymore before my ears hurt like hell, my partner loves theater, I hate it but go anyway. I'm going to have to get some serious earplugs before I'll be able to enjoy Steel Panther again.
The real problem is that to study I really need silence, without silence I'm left to do homework with music on, and that takes twice as long. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to finish all my upcoming classes in time.

I'm the type of person that likes to "go all out" in whatever venture I pursue. If it's a class, I read all the assignments and go to all the classes. If it's something athletic/gym based, I like to give it my best. But when you have a f*cking headache and pain relievers don't help, it's really hard to do those things.

I feel the same way, and since my obsession sometimes manifests in classes too I can't really say that it's a bad thing. I think of it more like a passion.

I know I'm just dragging on at this point, but let me finish with this: I've found that it's tough for people to truly empathize unless they've suffered from a similar condition.

I've thought about this and I think I'm not going to talk to a doctor anymore without a mobile device there blasting the same noise I have in my head. I'm a little tired of doctors not fully appreciating the situation.

Lets look at the alternatives:
You could fixate on the person that caused this, how they forever changed your life and how you should get revenge.
You could fixate on the negative: 'woe is me' 'my life is ruined'.
Instead I see you focusing on positive things, to bettering understanding of the condition, to research, to progress. I think that's a positive thing.

Thanks, that really helped.
I remember fully now that I pretty much went through all those steps before arriving at the conclusion that I was better served trying to do something, than being destructive.

You are young and intelligent, maybe you can turn this whole ordeal into a positive thing and go into medical research?

Physics has always been my dream because I always wanted to help create faster than light propulsion, another obsession But, within physics there is a whole bio-medical section. Mostly because medical doctors don't know how to model things such as blood flow, and also because all the medical equipment is hard to operate and use.
When my partner had a herniated lumbar disc I researched the motion of the sacro-lumbar discs while lifting and why they would be most vulnerable in the human body. Turns out it's the angle the make since we started walking on two legs, and their inability to counter sheering and twisting forces.

No, you are NOT being "obsessive." What you are doing is manifesting your EXCELLENCE.

Thanks that's really nice of you to say.

 

[Marlino]

Well, it's a 16khz tone, 30 dB above my hearing threshold

Well stupid docs. With this symptoms its pretty reasonable to be obsessed.

Actually I had quite the same experience with my GP who was really giving me suspicious looks after I came for 3rd time and said that this noise in my ears/head is unbearable.
I see now a psychiatrist, even though she cannot do much she is at least very understanding that T can be the single reason for various psychological problems and is not necessarily a symptom of precedent psychological problems.
Actually I think it's a big shame that GP easily put you into the psycho patient corner when you first see them with T.
I mean its no wonder to be very very upset when you see the GP after a week with unprecedented full blast in your head and no sleep. Who could deny then to be stressed.
Also stress is always a part of our life, And like obsession it's usually a good thing.

 

[Path Maker]

manifests in classes too I can't really say that it's a bad thing. I think of it more like a passion.

And there is our defining word: PASSION. All that is ever created in this world that is beautiful, helpful, etc. will come from (and always has come from), PASSION. (And then there are the crowds of naysayers swirling around the passionate. Ignore, ignore!!)

I paraphrase that Einstein quote: Great minds are often condemned by mediocre thinkers.

 

[Cityjohn]

I thank you all for your heartfelt replies.

The reason I was a little upset, and I was ashamed to mention this in my original post, was because the doctor offered me anti-psychotic medication :| She an internist at the academic hospital, not my GP. She was genuinely afraid I would performs questionable experiments on myself, and was too ignorant to identify dangers.

I've been called crazy before, in fact I even wrote a short poam about it, but every time it happens I have this gut feeling that people just don't quite understand. I do things, despite the inconvenience other people may imagine, because I already know all the outcomes, and none are undesirable. But since its happened before I was kinda worried for about an hour that something was wrong with me.
I had even called my mother and told her what happened, she laughed for 10 minutes straight.

Here's that poam

They'll tell you not to do it,
You'd need to be witty
They'll tell you to quit,
Yet, you'd need to stay gritty

They'll say its not for everyone,
You'd need to be phenomenal
They'll say it can't be done,
Just focus on the rational

And all the while their wind is breaking,
not once a pause to peek,
at the subject of their squawking,
to glimpse of whom they speak.

 

[GregCA]

I've thought about this and I think I'm not going to talk to a doctor anymore without a mobile device there blasting the same noise I have in my head. I'm a little tired of doctors not fully appreciating the situation.

I wish that was enough to convey the feeling of T, but unfortunately, no matter how uncomfortable you can engineer that sound, it will not bring up the same anxiety as someone who can't escape it.
The doctor you will inflict this on knows damn well that within a few minutes (seconds?) he can move away from the stressful stimulus. Just knowing you can escape it is enough to not bring on anxiety. It's when you know you can't escape and there's nothing yo can do about it that the anxiety ramps up (and makes it worse unfortunately).

Really really tough to explain this to anyone not being afflicted. In their defense, I don't think I would have understood it myself, prior to getting it.

 

[Vaba]

It is not fair to assume that someone is "obsessing" over something that is intrusive, problematic, and painful. You're just passively noticing it constantly because it technically never goes away and is sensory information. I notice both my giant floater and my tinnitus and am bothered by them 24/7 whether or not I am obsessing over them at the time or not.

OBSESSING would be having "a little bit of noise in a silent room," listening HARD for it, and the becoming upset about it. If the noise isn't masked by soft sound, tinnitus is a serious problem.

 

[Alue]

Well, it's a 16khz tone, 30 dB above my hearing threshold.

Sounds a lot like mine. I did a matching test by an audiologist multiple times over several months and it was always between 28 and 32 db over sensory level. I can't tell the tone as ultra high frequencies are a bit distorted to me but it's somewhere between 14kHz and 16kHz.

Does it feel like it is in your head, in your ears, or both?

Thanks, that really helped.
I remember fully now that I pretty much went through all those steps before arriving at the conclusion that I was better served trying to do something, than being destructive.

Believe me I understand all too well. My tinnitus was caused by someone else's carelessness too. I honestly haven't completely moved past the first two. I guess I should practice what I preach...

 

[Tamika]

The reason I was a little upset, and I was ashamed to mention this in my original post, was because the doctor offered me anti-psychotic medication :| She an internist at the academic hospital, not my GP. She was genuinely afraid I would performs questionable experiments on myself, and was too ignorant to identify dangers.

Hilarious! What about the questionable experiment of giving you anti-psychotics and all the nasty permanent side effects. You have a brilliant mind. Keep up the great work. You don't want to damage your brain by taking anti-psychotics.

 

[Cityjohn]

Does it feel like it is in your head, in your ears, or both?

In the ears I think mostly. My right ear is more affected and it also happens to have slightly more hearing loss. I have a dip in both ears between 12 and 16 khz, and any sound at 16khz hurts my ears... I never noticed the freezers at the mall were yelling at that frequency until now.

What about the questionable experiment of giving you anti-psychotics

Haha, very well said.

I'm still in disbelief by how uninformed doctors are about tinnitus. There was a documentary in the Netherlands a year ago with a mother of two young children that opted for euthanasia due to this. You'd think we'd be taken a little more seriously than "I have a sound too when I'm in total silence and listen for it, many people have it, you're obsessing"...
This is the documentary,

 

[Steve Hubert]

You're obsession is well-placed. It's not your ruminating about what to wear for a particular event. We all have our way of coping, and sometimes the coping looks odd to those who have no idea of what this affliction feels like. And, you just may stumble upon a cure. Who knows. As far as psych meds, while I'm a psychologist I don't know you so it would be presumptions for me to know if they would benefit you or not. But I would say there's nothing you described in your posts that would suggest to me the need to medicate away your pursuits.

 

[Robert44]

If Mozart had not existed there would not be a Brandenburg
concerto

Bach composed the Brandenburg Concerto

 

[Cityjohn]

Bach composed the Brandenburg Concerto

Yeah... as soon as I posted that I was ashamed, I edited it with a copy paste and it all went south... Let's pretend it says the violin concerto KV216... You see, I prefer Bach, hate Mozart, but Mozart was so obsessed he achieved making music that changes processes in the brain significantly enough to measure it, or at least have people think so even now.

 

[Robert44]

You see, I prefer Bach, hate Mozart, but Mozart was so obsessed he achieved making music that changes processes in the brain significantly enough to measure it, or at least have people think so even now.

Yeah " the Mozart effect" . Try listening to Mozart's Requiem... I think you'll like it

 

[Cityjohn]

Yeah " the Mozart effect" . Try listening to Mozart's Requiem... I think you'll like it

You like that? I'm really more of a "uppy" music kind of person, like the following videos.
I'm really sorry to see you got tinnitus from a loud concert.. How do you manage going to concert now? I haven't tried it since I got tinnitus but a theater show made me cry and not because it was beautiful.. Did you sue?

 

[Robert44]

No I didn't sue. It was a rock concert. Billy Joel and Journey cover bands. Forgot my ear plugs. I am a musician and I like and play all types of music.

 

[Cityjohn]

So I've been busy with college and just read the report from the AMC and figured out why they thought anti-psychotic drugs might help in my case.

Besides it being a sign of clear obsession that someone read so much research on one subject god forbid, they concluded the pain I was experiencing were tactile hallucinations because they couldn't find anything physically wrong in my blood and internal organs...

Then they went on to spell tinnitus - tinnitis... throughout the report...

It's worth mentioning I was being treated by a student...

 

[Kste Adams]

I think the doctor was being stupid, but to be fair it was a student. This person probably hasn't achieved the ultimate result of education: the realization that the vast amount of knowledge he or she has accumulated pales in comparison to what he or she still does not know. I've also noticed that many doctors react the same way when a patient's experience contradicts known medical theory: they assume that the patient's experience is wrong or they try to fit the experience into some theoretical framework, even if it's totally inappropriate. Very annoying.

I think being "obsessed" in this way is actually a positive, since you're doing something active toward figuring out a condition that the best medical advice says we need to (passively) accept. If you read the success stories on this web site, you'll see that all of them start with the person taking control and doing something to deal with their tinnitus. All of them take the tinnitus experience out of the "fight or flight" emotional part of the brain and into the thinking part. Which is exactly what you're doing, so I say keep doing it!

 

[hartje5]

This sounds so familiar. I've been treated by a student psychiatrist at first. When I told him xanax lowered my sound he told me to just take as much as I needed. Yeah, right...

 

[Cityjohn]

This must be what Obama must feel every single day when he reads some of the crap that comes over his desk.

I replied that this misunderstanding is slightly dangerous, not in my best interest, and that I would delete the report from my medical dossier as it is suggestive. Basically they did not believe me when I explained my symptoms and said that I had fainted several times over the course of months because they aren't aware that there are other agents which can cause the symptoms of MSG, yet your body has no defense against...

Score! My life is unbelievable

 

[linearb]

On the way home I wondered if the inherent bias of a place like tinnitustalk, or the relentless search for a cure was detrimental to any of us

I've read a lot of reports over the years from people who have said that for them, staying away from any interaction with tinnitus forums was very necessary for any habituation to happen. I wouldn't necessarily say the same, but I will say, the worse I feel, the more I think about tinnitus, the more time I spend on here -- and I don't think that's especially useful to me.

I like to read about tinnitus on non-specific forums (motorcycle forums, musician forums, firearms forums, etc) -- threads about tinnitus on hobby forums for loud hobbies always get lots of replies, and you often see many people expressing sentiments like "I've got loud constant tinnitus because I played with (drums | keyboard | AR-15s | Kawasaki bikes) for many years, it's a pain in the butt, but I still (play drums | shoot AR-15s | ride bikes)." I always take that as an interesting counterpoint to other viewpoints.