Bad Day. Tears Are Back.

[UKJon]

Hi folks,

Having a bad day once more. Still haven't come to terms with T and still struggling with anxiety. Took a Valium but it didn't last long, about 45 mins whilst I tried to rest. I'm still trying to battle rather than accept. This is so hard to do (although I've done well lately compared to months ago regarding getting out). It's so hard trying to relax towards T when T is the cause of the anxiety.

I've had T for nearly a year now although it became more noticeable in about February.

1. I only really notice it in quiet/silent surroundings.
2. I'm on very good meds which allow me to sleep well.
3. I'm seeing an audiologist and a doctor.
4. Sometimes, it is very small in volume.
5. I've been getting out more, socialising, doing work around the house/garden, going into town etc.
6. I've read a lot of success stories online.
7. I've put my name down to attend a local mindfulness course.
8. I use my masker often.
9. I've been thinking about getting back to work and travelling again (not today though).
10. I've moved on considerably from my Mother's passing at Xmas.

But I'm still struggling to habituate fully. I hope I'm not a lost cause but I STILL have some way to go. I'm still trying to do without my masker rather than just putting it on straight away. I still turn it off and on, off and on to listen. I'm still testing and getting setbacks. I try and relax my breathing in silence and get some results for a short while but of course the T comes straight back again after as I've expected it to. I'm doing it all wrong. Monitoring, testing all the time. I just want to get to that holy grail stage of not caring about it any more so I can move on at last.

As far as tinnitus is concerned, I understand that mindfulness means actually listening to T and trying to accept/embrace it in some way until it no longer creates such a negative impression. I cannot do this at the moment. It may be that I have to have a masker forever even for mild T and this is very hard to accept. I don't want to have to put up with T. I want to forget about it. I've tried so hard. Perhaps I just need more time but I've been doing this all year. What a waste.

I do know that many of you have to deal with T that is much more debilitating and I read your stories a lot. However, for me, what I have is just as difficult but perhaps in a different way because of my mental make up. How can I ever visit New York or San Francisco or the other places on my bucket list until I've moved on?

Is there still time???

Jonathan

 

[glynis]

Hi,
Try not be to hard on yourself .
and its natural feel the way you do at times.
Anxiety help....
when on your back place one hand on your chest and one on your stomach and breath in slow to the count of three.
Make your stomach rise with breathing in and slowly breath out to the count of three and repeat until you are totally relaxed .

Sound therapy
Tinnitus and unwanted emotions are tough going .
try sound therapy at night with pillow speakers and set the natural sound lower than your tinnitus sound.
Keep it on all night as that is where the magic starts.
As your brain works hard to pick up the natural sound you picked it pushes your tinnitus to the background and cope better in the day as your brain will stop noticing your tinnitus.....( tears are natural to release emotions and stop it building up to depression) lots of love glynis

 

[TheGagagirl1234]

Your T sounds similar to mine. My T is low but annoying at night when I'm not tired. When I'm tired I fall asleep just as quick as I did before, (which is rare because of my insomnia ) but I guess that's a part of habituation. Have you heard of acoustic neuromodulation? I use that a lot, and it has actually decreased my T dramatically
Look it up on Youtube.

 

[Ceroc]

Jonathan,

You are doing great....you have come a long way since your mother's passing. We all grieve in different ways and there is no magic cure. I cried for a whole month after my common law husband died and then went to the doctors for counselling. They put me on anti-depressants and I weaned myself off after a year. Best thing that I could have done for my sanity at the time....hey, that was a long, long time ago.

Don't worry about bucket lists....you'll achieve them all if you really want to....just go book your flight to the place that you most want to travel to...I did! Nepal and then the Far East.

Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day and time is a great healer....time is what you need to realise habituation.

Good luck!

Ceroc

 

[UKJon]

Thank you for the replies I've had so far. Sometimes I feel a fraud on here because so many people have it worse than me. As for acoustic neuromodulation, is this the same as TRT? Unfortunately, I would have to pay £1000s at a private clinic to have this done. This is not available on our National Health Service and it's not for everyone anyway apparently. I just want to habituate naturally but it seems that this cannot be hurried or forced doesn't it?

Perhaps if I had 5 minutes of 'moderate' or 'severe' T, it might help me get things into proportion and see how fortunate I am but this is not possible.

At night, I have a Puretone sound machine which plays a 'babbling brook' noise and this stays on all night. I was dead against using it at first as I couldn't accept that I needed an 'aid' or a 'prop' for anything. I sleep very well due to this and medication however.

Once I'm up, the T is masked by other things. Even my PC or lying in the bath. The pattern is that I get up and do something to keep busy. If I've been out, then the T will ring for a few minutes before settling again once I'm back indoors. Then I'm left with the baseline T. It's only really bothersome in bed but I'd rather not have it at all. It's like having a new sheet of white paper with one tiny black speck on it. Difficult to ignore. Not perfect. I like to nap in the afternoon and sometimes this is the hardest part of the day. I'm usually calmer at bedtime as I know I'll pop the pills and I'll sleep. I also try to relax my breathing AND my jaw which is tense a lot of the time especially whilst I'm asleep.

What I really want to be doing is getting out there, back in work, earning, socialising, travelling and living fully again. I've been on long term sickness benefits for a long time which is not ideal.

After my Mum died, the combination of grief and T gave me a hellish ride for months and I had a lot of thoughts about not being able to carry on but that's another story.

I'm not that religious but I pray it doesn't get worse. It was stress induced rather than anything else and my ears/hearing are fine. But I feel as if I'm being held hostage by this thing and it's hard not to be impatient which is where all the listening and monitoring comes in.

I only have one other family member and he is fed up of discussing my ear although he has T himself and is not bothered by it. That's why I come on here.

There have been good days but I seem to be on a plateau right now and don't know how to proceed. More time I guess. Always more time.

Regards

Jonathan