Feeling Devastated... Need Some Support.

[SoulStation]

So today I gave up my position in the band I played with for the last year. This was my Job, we played every weekend at weddings/high class affairs...I have basically ruined my relationship with the entertainment company by coming clean with them about my tinnitus and worrying that it will get worse if I continue. Before you scoff at me and say "it's just a band" and a "wedding band" at that, know that this was a serious source of income and joy for me. I'm talking 1/3 of what I make a year and a HUGE source of joy for me which is now gone. I know that this was the right decision because there's no question over the year my condition has got a bit worse (though I have have seen an improvement in my central T since starting on the Retigabine).

I really need the support of you guys right now to know that I made the right decision. I had 2 Db meters reading the volume during our dance sets and it was averaging around 100-105 db at a minimum. So even with ETY ER-25 plus ---I was pushing the ceiling of how long I could stand that volume for. There's so many variables that can go on but for me, the one that killed it is that fact that our long sets could last between 1 to 2 hours, with NO breaks in between songs. So that's straight exposure.

This is a tough day indeed. Thanks for reading.

 

[Greg Clarke]

Hey bro, music is a big part of life for me too. Ive had tinnitus for 8 years now, a month ago it got worse. It was my first thought that id have to give up too, but imremaining positive that things will get better and ill be able to do it in some capacity again. It May not be the same but if you love it as much as I do, we will find a way.

 

[gary]

So today I gave up my position in the band I played with for the last year. This was my Job, we played every weekend at weddings/high class affairs...I have basically ruined my relationship with the entertainment company by coming clean with them about my tinnitus and worrying that it will get worse if I continue. Before you scoff at me and say "it's just a band" and a "wedding band" at that, know that this was a serious source of income and joy for me. I'm talking 1/3 of what I make a year and a HUGE source of joy for me which is now gone. I know that this was the right decision because there's no question over the year my condition has got a bit worse (though I have have seen an improvement in my central T since starting on the Retigabine).

I really need the support of you guys right now to know that I made the right decision. I had 2 Db meters reading the volume during our dance sets and it was averaging around 100-105 db at a minimum. So even with ETY ER-25 plus ---I was pushing the ceiling of how long I could stand that volume for. There's so many variables that can go on but for me, the one that killed it is that fact that our long sets could last between 1 to 2 hours, with NO breaks in between songs. So that's straight exposure.

This is a tough day indeed. Thanks for reading.

Hi soul, I don't think there is a right or wrong decision here. Only you can weigh the decision whether or not you want the funds and enjoyment your gigs bring, or risk T getting worse than what it already is.
Once you start 2nd guessing yourself you just create anxiety and stress.

Greg gave you great advice.

 

[billie48]

Hi Soul, sorry that you have to leave something you love so much and something which can earn you a sizable income. But you obviously make a wise decision for health and well-being reason which is more important than money. Perhaps you can still find joy in music with loudness volume you can handle, such as tutoring others how to play. Sharing your talent in music can bring much joy too.

 

[SoulStation]

Hi Soul, sorry that you have to leave something you love so much and something which can earn you a sizable income. But you obviously make a wise decision for health and well-being reason which is more important than money. Perhaps you can still find joy in music with loudness volume you can handle, such as tutoring others how to play. Sharing your talent in music can bring much joy too.

Ironically Billie, my other 2/3rds of my income is teaching music...been there for a while now LOL.
@Greg Clarke thanks so much for your advice...I'd love to know what you do music wise and what you feel like you can still do and have done or what ever...Send me a personal message if you'd like to just keep it between us or post it to the thread .

Thank you for all your responses so far.

 

[Greg Clarke]

I have no problem posting it. There may be others that may benefit from reading it

I play in a band called Parhelia. All original material, you can check us out at www.parhelia-band.com

I have had mild tinnitus for 8 years. It never stopped me playing or recording, id just wear earplugs and limit rehearsal times. About a month ago my tinnitus got worse, like yourself I was devastated, thought id never be able to play again. I also teach in my spare time and thought id have to give that up too but this week I started doing lessins again, I do them in electric guitar and dont plug in! I havent worked out a way to return to my band yet but im positive it will work out somehow.

Drop me a pm if you need anything else!

 

[Grace]

Hey soulstation, im really sorry you had to drop your band and gigs :-/ but you did the right thing no doubt. Tinnitus is a disgusting thing, In my
Almost year of having T, i have not touched an acoustic drumset so props to you for keeping up with it for so long. What tinnitus has done for me was scold me, scare me and worry me. Playin drums and music is my life also, i love it, it makes
Me happy, releases stress but now it just causes me stress and worry. Ill never stop playing drums(i play electronic now) but lets just say one day we will all be able to play live again with no worries. Cause thats what i miss the most, i dream about it, its like my soul knows and isnt complete without it. Its depressing, but i believe we will make it through and that damn day will come when we can have more control over T maybe autifony will help with that lifes so short, i found out yesterday someone i know is dying of incurable cancer 24 years old and i think to myself.. What would i do if i was diagnosed tommorrow? Id go to clubs, bars, concerts, anything and everywhere and not give a shit about my ears no more. Totally unrelated but its sad that the only way id do all that, is if i was on my death bed-- cause its fucking terrifying knowing this thing can worsen to no end. Your not alone though

 

[LadyDi]

Hey @SoulStation: As others said, this is your decision to make. But it sounds like a wise one, at least to me. Your ears are telling you that you need a rest. Last year, I had to give up singing in a large choral group that I loved (of course, I am an amateur who just sings for fun, not a professional who makes money at it). It was just too much noise. But instead, I found a smaller group that I also really enjoy -- plus am learning more, as I get more individual attention from the director. I started back with the large group last month, after taking a year off... we'll see how it goes.

As @Greg Clarke said, I bet you find your way back to music you love.

 

[Floyd Mayweather]

I think you made the right descision. I would of done the same. It's better to be safe than sorry, right?
I actually read an article on the internet a while ago which was a very similar story to yours, and that guy quit his rock band because of Tinnitus and he said he doesn't regret giving it up.

 

[astronomer]

hi soul station, although playing in a band was not my only income i had been a lead singer rhythm guitarist in a rock band for decades on weekends,i quit the band because of tinnitus and as time has passed i dont regret it,although i have other hobbies like astronomy, i changed my music to acoustic fingerstyle and strum with my fingers , a unique sound i am finding in its own,and i still play at local parks to keep in touch with my music and meet great people in a different setting,the funny thing is that i knew i might lose some hearing over time even though i monitored the sound level on stage but i never knew of the word or meaning of tinnitus until i got it ! i feel for you brother,time does heal all wounds , its just a matter of adapting and moving forward and finding new solutions,hope this helps..dont hesitate to send a personal message if you ever feel the need to,and be good to yourself

 

[SoulStation]

Thank you all for your kind posts... I had some back and fourth feelings today about it...thinking that maybe I was crazy for quitting...but later in the evening I took a walk and realized I did the right thing. I studied and graduated from a great conservatory with my Bachelors in jazz studies (guitar) and I throughly enjoy playing my nylon stringed guitar finger style ...it is easy on my ears and I know I will be able to keep up with that and the production stuff at a CONTROLLED Low volume.
Thanks again for everyone's support.
@Greg Clarke
Word I teach a whole lot. Do you let your students plug in? I usually use ear plugs and turn them down to 1 if a student plugs in. My ears are so sensitive now.

 

[SoulStation]

So tonight is the first gig I have officially missed due to T (I have turned down work in the past to rest my ears but never told the client why). Sigh...this is a hard night because I know my T is not going to magically get better but I just couldn't stand the thought of making it worse when I didn't have a gun pointed at me saying I needed to play.
Thanks again for all the support.

 

[Rube]

So tonight is the first gig I have officially missed due to T (I have turned down work in the past to rest my ears but never told the client why). Sigh...this is a hard night because I know my T is not going to magically get better but I just couldn't stand the thought of making it worse when I didn't have a gun pointed at me saying I needed to play.
Thanks again for all the support.

definitely a hard decision but you did the smart thing man. who knows, your H and T might just start improving now and you might see even better results with the retigabine. I wish you well bud, im sure you will be perfectly fine as you will still be connected to the music you love cause youre still teaching.

 

[SoulStation]

definitely a hard decision but you did the smart thing man. who knows, your H and T might just start improving now and you might see even better results with the retigabine. I wish you well bud, im sure you will be perfectly fine as you will still be connected to the music you love cause youre still teaching.

Thanks bro. That means a lot. I will get back some day somehow.

 

[here2help]

@SoulStation, there was a lot riding on your decision. You chose between something that brings you joy and was a source of income and the fear that your tinnitus would become worse if you continued. You seem unsure about whether you made the "right" decision. Perhaps you can think of it a bit differently and perhaps it might help if you do? Can you think of it as the best decision for now, but not necessarily a decision you need to stick by down the road?

There is another decision ahead of you, if you chose to make it. You can either decide to let tinnitus and fear call the shots, as it has so far, for understandable reasons, or explore your options and live life on your terms.

here2help

 

[yonkapin]

That sucks to hear mate Hope you can get yourself back in a position where you're able to begin performing again!

I'm not sure whether you're strictly a performer or like to do a bit of music making as well, but start messing with some programs in your home studio, if you don't already, to fill the void. I personally use Sibelius and Ableton Live (+ a couple other DAWs) and I never have any problems working at home because I always have control of the levels. So even though you might not be able to perform, you still have ways of getting those creative juices flowing.

Hope things get better buddy.

 

[SoulStation]

@SoulStation, there was a lot riding on your decision. You chose between something that brings you joy and was a source of income and the fear that your tinnitus would become worse if you continued. You seem unsure about whether you made the "right" decision. Perhaps you can think of it a bit differently and perhaps it might help if you do? Can you think of it as the best decision for now, but not necessarily a decision you need to stick by down the road?

There is another decision ahead of you, if you chose to make it. You can either decide to let tinnitus and fear call the shots, as it has so far, for understandable reasons, or explore your options and live life on your terms.

here2help

I feel you . But on the contrary I've actually lived my life quite the way it was since my Tinnitus start in early 2012. I played more gigs that year then I ever had played in previous years and have played almost as many this year and 2013. I am a realist and I listen to my ears. When they are telling me "hey man, we get tired quite easily, maybe 4 hour gigs many times a week aren't the best idea", I feel it is wise to listen. I agree I must live your life and I do very much appreciate your help but I went very long this year facing fears and getting into a vicious cycle of fear and anxiety that I feel in a way I have just put to rest. I suppose in a way I was searching here for validation because these are people who understand. Again appreciate your kind words... But I do not live my life all in fear of T. I do see your point. Though
@yonkapin
Yea Abelton is great. I have Protools and have always been that type of producer but I've thought about switching over many times. It's a big investment, but a tremendous program (ableton). I am just lost right now. Taking a break other then teaching and a few tunes her and there and a few acoustic jobs.

 

[SoulStation]

@SoulStation, there was a lot riding on your decision. You chose between something that brings you joy and was a source of income and the fear that your tinnitus would become worse if you continued. You seem unsure about whether you made the "right" decision. Perhaps you can think of it a bit differently and perhaps it might help if you do? Can you think of it as the best decision for now, but not necessarily a decision you need to stick by down the road?

There is another decision ahead of you, if you chose to make it. You can either decide to let tinnitus and fear call the shots, as it has so far, for understandable reasons, or explore your options and live life on your terms.

here2help

ps I'm sorry if it seems like I took your response the wrong way... I really appreciate the support.

 

[BobDigi]

I try and be as positive as i can about my T. But i'd be lying if i said it hasn't changed my life at all when it comes to some of the things i enjoy. I'm not comparing my problems with your. As the thing you've had to give up is a hobby and an income.
But i can certainly relate. I work on my own everyday and i used to love listening to music and talk radio on my headphones all day at work. I also used to cycle and walk using headphones. I also play xbox and used to love using headphones for play and live chat.
I've had to adapt, and now i use a bluetooth speaker for work and cycle. And no more headphones for xbox.
I had several pairs of headphones. They've all been sold on Ebay including my expensive Senheiser headphones i loved and only owned for about a month before i got T.

It really sucks. And i know some people would say i can carry on using headphones at a sensible level. But my point is, that the decisions we make concerning our T are individual and personal. There's a chance you playing in a band, and me using headphones wouldn't continue to damage our ears, or make our T any worse.
But it's just not worth taking the risk.
Perhaps the time you have spare can be spent doing something new you've always fancied doing. That way one door closes as another one opens. Good luck.

 

[inadmin]

Why can't you use headphones at a reasonable level?

 

[SoulStation]

As the thing you've had to give up is a hobby and an income.
But i can certainly relate.

Thanks for the encouragement ! music was more then a hobby for me- it was a way of life .

 

[here2help]

@SoulStation, in the title of your thread you mentioned you felt devastated. That says a lot about the meaning of music in your life and your decision to leave your band. I appreciate your wish to feel validated in your difficult decision, and while you have received nearly unanimous support for your decision, I'm writing from a very different place. I wrote my post to validate and support your love of music, and to suggest, with respect, that although your decision may feel like the right one at this time, that you may have another decision ahead of you. You can choose to let tinnitus dictate your decisions or to let your decisions be guided by what moves you and is most meaningful to you. Perhaps you feel devastated because there is enormous disparity between what your ears are telling you and what your heart is telling you.

here2help

 

[SoulStation]

@SoulStation, in the title of your thread you mentioned you felt devastated. That says a lot about the meaning of music in your life and your decision to leave your band. I appreciate your wish to feel validated in your difficult decision, and while you have received nearly unanimous support for your decision, I'm writing from a very different place. I wrote my post to validate and support your love of music, and to suggest, with respect, that although your decision may feel like the right one at this time, that you may have another decision ahead of you. You can choose to let tinnitus dictate your decisions or to let your decisions be guided by what moves you and is most meaningful to you. Perhaps you feel devastated because there is enormous disparity between what your ears are telling you and what your heart is telling you.

here2help

I agree. My heart is always with music, but I know I need this break for now. Thank you again for your help and your positive perspective. It really does mean a lot.

 

[Rog]

I want to congratulate you for been brave all those years ! As someone mentioned above ... Take this decision as for now, not forever . Who knows one day you will be back on gigs again, huh?
God knows!

God bless you @SoulStation

 

[SoulStation]

Thank you Rog ... I appreciate it.

 

[walkthroughwalls]

You totally made the right decision! Nothing is worth (risking) an increase in T.
I think it's very commendable that you carefully assessed the situation (dB meters and all) and made the decision based on what's best for the long term. It must've been hard that coming clean ruined your relationship to the entertainment company. If anything, they should be understanding and supportive of musicians choosing what's best for their ears. Now it just adds to the devastation and confusion, right?

I totally understand that it's not 'just a band' or a 'Friday night hobby'. I've been pursuing a musical career for the last 10 years and I've been belittled in a similar way. For some of us, music equals life. It's also not just music, it's hanging out with friends, being at parties, making people have a good time... The entire package.
I'm glad to hear that you have other musical activities you can pursue. And as yonkapin and you said, working with DAW's is a great way to stay creative.

Again, I get that it's hard. There were no 'good options' to choose from. You did the right thing.