How Would You Feel? The Person Who Caused My Ear Injury Now Hates Me Because of It?

Apologies in advance, I'm afraid this post is going to be long.

My suicidal thoughts are at an all-time high because of a paradox that I still can't resolve.

I'm trying to cope with the knowledge that the lady who caused my acoustic injury is mad at me because I quit working for her, due to the injury I suffered as a direct result of working for her.

I can't wrap my brain around her lack of empathy. Her twisted logic is like a Mobius strip of narcissistic entitlement.

If you don't know who I'm talking about, here's the short version of my backstory so you don't have to read the lengthy introductory thread I made on Tinnitus Talk last autumn:

I have tinnitus and noxacusis because I worked part time for a nearly deaf elderly woman who shouted repeatedly at me while in close range. It happened in my car (because she could not drive), and it happened while we were walking (because she could not walk without assistance and I had to take her by the arm). It also happened inside her house because she was a hoarder with tall stacks of boxes in every room, including both bathrooms and her kitchen.

Helping her declutter her house meant that I had to stand next to her for hours at a time, trapped between stacks of boxes, with our bodies brushing up against each other while she yelled orders like "ECP, open that box! ECP, show me what's in it! Now ECP, put everything back inside that box and move it over there!"

The day that I experienced a sudden onset of tinnitus and noxacusis at her house, I was holding both hands to my ears and cringing and begging her to whisper, but she wouldn't take my pain seriously. As I was getting ready to leave, she was afraid she would never see me again, so she screamed, "DON'T QUIT ON ME!", which was her customary way of ending every one of my visits. I'm not joking. At the end of every workday, she begged me to not to quit.

She was fearful of being abandoned because most of her friends and family were dead. In fact, that's how she guilt-tripped me into working for her in the first place, by telling me that she had nobody in her life and that her lazy, selfish granddaughter doesn't do enough for her.

She would cling to anybody who was kind to her, but if you disappointed her even once by failing to smile at her or by failing to do a favor for her, she would hold a grudge. She divided the world into only two kinds of people: "good" ones who exited her life by dying, and "bad" ones who exited her life by all the other ways a person could exit, like going out of town or being too busy to deal with her. Those people were labeled as "lazy" and "selfish."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So that's the end of the backstory, and here's what happened when I had to quit:

I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I tried to be tactful. First, I sent a carefully worded email to her granddaughter. (I didn't know her well, but she and I had crossed paths, due to our efforts to coordinate her grandmother's caregiving.) Later, I typed a carefully worded letter directly to her grandmother because she doesn't know how to email or text.

I didn't think she'd read my letter if it I put it in the mail, for I knew she had piles of unhandled mail lying around her living room. So after I wrote the letter, I put on my Peltor earmuffs and delivered it personally.

I handed the envelope to her on her doorstep and gestured to her that she should read it, but all she did was clutch the envelope to her chest while telling me that she had been plagued by chronic diarrhea and constipation ever since her granddaughter had given her the news that I would not work for her anymore.

My jaw dropped. I couldn't tell if she was simply stating a fact, or if she was deliberately implying that I had made her sick by quitting.

I gestured again to the envelope in her hand, but she ignored me because she wasn't done sharing all the gory details of her diarrhea and constipation.

Eventually, she noticed the Peltor earmuffs and said, "Why are you wearing that thing on your head? Is it because I hollered at you?"

I burst into tears and pointed again to the envelope in her hand, but she just stared at me coldly. That made me cry even harder. I could see from the dead-eyed look on her face that there was no hope of her reading the letter that day. Maybe she would never read it and it would disappear into the clutter that filled her house.

I threw my hands into the air in frustration, wiped the tears from my eyes, then walked toward my car, sobbing. She made no attempt to follow me or call out to me. As I got to my car, her granddaughter coincidentally arrived at the house in her own car. She probably saw me crying too. How awkward. I drove away in shame.

I waited for months to see if either of them would write me back or leave me a voicemail, but I never heard from them.

It bothered me not to have a feeling of closure, so I decided to follow up with a phone call to her (the grandmother, not the granddaughter).

Preparing for the phone call was nerve-wracking. I knew that I would have to shout at the top of my lungs in order to be heard, so I took NAC before and after the call. I also knew I needed to make the phone call at a time when my husband and my neighbors wouldn't be home so that nobody would be frightened by my shouting.

Well, when I finally made the call, it was a disaster. She was so cold and distant that she wouldn't even say my name. She referred to me only as "the one who used to help me." Emphasis on "used to."

I asked her over and over again if she read my letter, and she wouldn't give me a straight answer. Then when she reluctantly admitted to reading the letter, she wouldn't tell me how she felt about it, or why she never responded to it.

At that point, it was obvious that she resented me for quitting. Now I wanted to know just one more thing: Why hadn't she and her granddaughter ever acknowledged the severity of the injuries I sustained, or offer their wishes for a full recovery?

I steadied myself and said, "I have permanent hearing damage because I worked for you. How do you think that makes me feel?"

Either she couldn't hear me, or she was pretending not to. So I repeated the question over and over again until I was blue in the face.

Finally, she said to me, "I'm old and I have high blood pressure! What do you want from me?"

That was exactly what she would say on the phone to get rid of telemarketers, so when she said those words to me, I knew once and for all that I was a worthless human being in her eyes.

Since then, I've been spiraling downward. I have already come close to making one carefully executed suicide attempt, and I keep thinking I should try again. I hate being reminded of her every single day when I hear the "eeeeeeeee" inside my head. If I can't make the sound go away, and if I can't make the memory of her and her granddaughter go away, then I want to make myself go away.

Someone suggested I file a personal injury lawsuit, but I'm too scared to even look into that. How would I even provide proof of what happened? Nobody would believe me, and I'd probably be blamed for not knowing I should have worn two layers of hearing protection.

 

The abuse you faced is incredible. If you kill yourself, that old witch wins. You've only had this for less than a year, a lot of people get better in 24 months or so. Give it some more time. I wish I could help you forget about her. I bet she's not thinking about you anymore. You are a nice person, you went above and beyond at your service for this witch. May relief come your way.

 

There is no point talking to these people. Forget them.

Maybe forgive. Easier said than done. I still cannot forgive myself - the person that caused this to me is me.

 

Hi @ECP.

I remember corresponding with you last year. My advice remains the same and I advise you to read those posts and the links I provided. If you can print them, I advise you to do so. Try to seek treatment with an audiologist that specialises in tinnitus and hyperacusis (noxacusis) management as I believe counselling will help. It is possible for you to recover and move on. To do this you need to try and forget about this elderly woman who clearly has other problems in addition to her hearing impairment.

Please keep away from lawyers and taking out a lawsuit against this woman for causing your noxacusis, for as you rightly say, you cannot prove that she brought this condition upon you. Lawyers are there to make money, and an unscrupulous one will advise that you have a case in order to extract as much money from you as possible, knowing fully well that you haven't got a chance gaining anything. Keep away from this unfortunate woman and her granddaughter. My advice is not to write them any emails or hand deliver any letters or make telephone calls, as you could find a lawsuit is taken out against you for harassment and stalking. We live in an age where everything can be recorded and leaves a trail.

Please heed my advice to avoid trouble and seek help with an ENT doctor and audiologist.

Take care,
Michael

 

Hey @ECP, I read your old posts and the story with the old lady. She is undoubtedly selfish and cruel. Unfortunately, there is no way someone who is exhibiting narcissistic personality traits can give you the apology you deserve. You can't find closure from someone who caused you the emotional and physical trauma.

She doesn't have empathy for anyone else but herself. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. What a miserable human being. She guilt-trips and manipulates people to take care of her and bend to her wishes.

As for the personal injury lawsuit, your texts with her granddaughter, visits to the doctors, and even your posts here serve as documentation of the injury she caused. I'd contact a personal injury lawyer and discuss your option before the old witch is gone.

So sorry you had to go through that for months and months. If your ears allow you, therapy would be a good option to at least deal with the emotional trauma from the old lady. How's your hyperacusis these days? Are you able to go out and interact with people?

Hang in there. I have no one else but myself to blame (which is think is easier to deal with honesty), but I relate to all the same feelings - anger, sadness, and loss of a life.

 

@ECP, it is beyond obvious what an awful, cold, cruel human that woman is. Please know her day will come, karma tends to always find its way.

What is also obvious though, and I think all the above would agree, through your story about this person, it is beyond obvious that you are an AMAZING human being. You are a more selfless, caring, and empathetic human than most humans would be in your situation. Here’s the deal though, you need to realize how great you are. You need to stop putting others’ happiness, wants, demands, and health before your own. YOU are your priority, and once you improve from this, you will know you absolutely deserve boundaries and to prioritize yourself moving forward.

You have every right to loathe her and what her existence has done to you, I still loathe the first ENT I saw who could have prevented my tinnitus completely if she gave me an antibiotic for my ears when I asked, but holding onto that hate and stewing over it in your mind is only keeping your brain stuck in it. I would suggest trying to curb your mindset of “screw that witch, I am going to get better. I refuse to let her ruin all of me and my life. Watch me, witch!”... You need to let go of the negative, heavy energy so you can mentally move forward and allow healing to take place in the brain. You can do this, please do not kill yourself. You’re too amazing of a person for this world to lose

 

What a selfish person. For as long as you've been useful to her, everything was fine and now that you're trying to distance yourself from the one who caused your injury, you're the one to blame - how convenient!

I don't know what your chances would be if you tried to claim a personal injury. In Germany you wouldn't get much of anything but I know that things are different in the US. If it makes you feel better, talk to lawyer and find out what they would recommend. Even if you choose to do nothing after that, in my opinion it is always better to have all your options and then make a decision instead of living with what-ifs for the rest of your life.

And don't feel bad for putting yourself first. It's what the old woman and her granddaughter / family have been doing all along. You're not related, so there is no moral obligation to stay in touch or offer your assistance. It cost you a lot but it is a good thing that you no longer have that ungrateful energy drainer in your life.

All the best!
Leila

 

@annV, thank you, it means a lot to me that you want to help me forget about what happened and move on.

@gameover, I hope you can go easy on yourself. Nobody deserves to suffer from tinnitus & hyperacusis, no matter what the cause.

@Michael Leigh, I won't be contacting them again. All I ever wanted was to know if they were mad at me for quitting. The granddaughter's silence and the grandmother's ongoing self-pity and evasiveness speaks volumes about how they feel. As for lawyers, maybe things are different in the UK, but in the United States there are lawyers who will charge nothing to their clients unless they succeed in winning the case. I never, ever wanted to sue anybody, but it just scares me to think of how long it could take to find significant symptom relief. That's why I waited this long to look into it. I had hoped (stupidly) that I could recover quickly and then move on with my life, unscarred.

@Merlin L, thank you. My hyperacusis is still with me after nine months. I try to get out some, but it's hard to relax even with ear protection, knowing that the world is a very noisy place. I hope your Texas friends are supportive and encouraging, considering the circumstances under which you were injured. I've had some therapy with social workers contracted with my health insurance, but I always felt worse afterward, not better. It also seems like my recovery has plateaued for now, which only adds to my anxiety.

@ErikaS, you are very kind. I wish the first ENT you saw had done something more effective for you, but you are right, we have to figure out how to stay strong and carry on. I don't see myself as kind and caring, just gullible for allowing myself to get sucked into her world.

@Leila, I am indeed talking to someone to find out what my options are, because I would hate to leave that stone unturned. I have neutral expectations, just curiosity. Mostly, what I'm feeling is exhaustion. I can barely get out of bed anymore.

Thanks again, everybody, for reading my posts. What we are going through as sufferers of tinnitus or hyperacusis is something that not many people understand. I'm grateful to everybody here for speaking the same language and for having genuine empathy for the struggle.

I'd love for all of us to get well and be free of this.

 

I was mad at my GP for prescribing me Escitalopram that caused my current condition and was even angrier at myself for swallowing those pills. The realization that in those seemingly innocent moments I may have permanently changed my life just weighed heavy on my soul. I can't undo what has been done and I can sit still and do nothing or try to move forward with my life (I hope I have this perspective a year from now.)

I nor anyone can understand the individual suffering each one of us endures each day. I try to explain it to my wife but I am pretty sure she doesn't get it.

I hope that you can put the past behind you and forget that nasty old lady and move towards healing yourself.

 

@Tryn2BHopeful, thank you.

Try not to be angry at yourself. You were only doing what your doctor advised you to do, and it's hard to predict who will get a side effect from a particular medication, and who won't.

There are other members on the board who have developed tinnitus right after starting a new medication, so I hope they can advise you on what to do. Some people have found relief by switching meds until they found something that worked.

 

There are lawyers in the UK that charge nothing unless their client succeeds in winning a case. As I see it @ECP, trying to prove that the woman you worked for caused your hyperacusis might be difficult. Your ENT doctor and audiologist will probably have to support you.

I wish you well whatever you decide to do,
Michael