Today is the worst. I hate myself with all my heart and I just wanna beat myself so bad. I literally feel like ripping my worthless self to shreds. Hard to explain.
It is all due to the realization that I have only myself to blame for all my misery.
I was stupid to get that shitty ultrasound therapy on my face, I was the one who blasted loud music into my ear knowing it is harmful several times and minutes although it felt uncomfortably loud, I was the idiot who underwent the loudest ever TMS without being given earplugs etc.
I have caused all this hell to myself, not someone else. It is all my fault. If I had not gone to that therapy back then I wouldn't be writing this post and I would be enjoying Christmas with my family, not sitting here crying like a baby.
I remember that day like yesterday. I shouldn't have gone there at all to begin with but my dad got a phone call from that "therapist" who said that he wants to treat him.
My mom heard it and instantly told him that I should go instead of him because my issues are far worse. She insisted on that. She came to me and told me about it. I remember I didn't want to go there at all today, I just didn't feel like it. I told her I don't want to go there. But she kept pushing me. Eventually I agreed. The worst decision of my life. If she hadn't come to me with that talk, I would have never gone there. Never.
I didn't think so at first but thinking about the matter I have developed some sort of anger towards my mom because she was the one who insisted on me going there.
I love her dearly but for some reason I am starting to become distant with her. It is so sad.
Also it seems to me that she and other family members just don't get it how bad my situation is. I lost everything that day.
Of course I made it way worse with music blasting and the TMS thing but in fact the TMS shit was also arranged by my parents. It was my stupidity to stay there despite the terrible loudness but still.
I feel like everything has originated from my parents, all the latter misery I have been through. I don't hate them in the typical sense but I feel some hate kinda feeling towards them.
The events that led me to the situation I am in now were initiated by my parents. They instigated me to do this and do that.
I can't look them in the eye normally anymore. I can't look at myself. I see myself as a disgusting, self-hating, self-destroying loser. I fucking hate myself. Sorry for the profanity. I feel like I gotta say what I want to say. Let the words fall out. I have ruined everything for myself.
Trust me when I say I was a perfectly healthy individual before, only obstacle I had was my anxiety and overthinking issue. My mental state would often fluctuate. To hell with that. It doesn't matter anything now.
The saddest part is that my hearing abilities were awesome before. I could hear all frequencies in the minus decibel range and let alone my amazing ability to compose, remember and distinguish music.
I could have been an opera singer (I sang everything else great too), in fact I was about to take up professional singing and start going to training lessons as well to better myself even further. My passion for music was indescribable.
I listened to music all the time and when I wasn't listening, all the melodies were playing in my head. They still are btw and that drives me crazy. It is playing in my head but I cannot listen to it. Music is totally ruined for me. The terrible asymmetry between my ears, the awful muffled distortion, missing notes, screeching sounds and white noise. It is the most terrible thing to happen to me. I am not gonna lie. Music and sounds were my life.
I could hear better than all the people I know. My hearing was my greatest gift. I could have been a great musician. I wanted to become one. I really did. But I was too late when I realized what a life-altering mistake I had made.
One stupid decision to ruin it all. I have no life anymore. I am the most pathetic and pityful person I know. I cannot stand myself. I wanna slap myself till my face ruptures and I fall on the ground dead. I don't wanna die but I have nothing to live for anymore.
I don't wanna die but I can't live like this. I don't want these dark times to cloud all the good memories that I have from earlier days.
I wanna go home but I can't seem to find it amongst all the others. I am in my house but jt doesn't feel like home any longer. I feel lost in the dark. I am blinded and I cannot hear the calling. I don't know the path anymore. I was lead astray and there is nothing to guide me. No beacon to follow home. No one to rescue me. I cannot rescue myself.
Damnation is upon me. It has swallowed me. I am floating inside a black void. My path is broken.
What awaits me on the other side? The side I cannot reach anymore. Perhaps there was something great for me waiting for me to catch it...but it matters not anymore. It is gone now for good. There are no second chances in life. You either make good use of the given opportunities or you waste it all...maybe in even one day..or two...or three who the heck knows.
It pains me to admit it but it appears there was no point in my life from the start. Perhaps I was just born to suffer and cause suffering.
Perhaps that was my faith to be from the very beginning. It just came unexpected. I was born to have my chances killed and life destroyed. All that I ever loved and cherised died along with me. My soul is gone.
There is nothing left of my personality. I am gone. I was but I am no longer. Maybe it was all just a dream. Maybe this is a dream, a nightmare.
Why don't I wake up from it?
It is all due to the realization that I have only myself to blame for all my misery.
I was stupid to get that shitty ultrasound therapy on my face, I was the one who blasted loud music into my ear knowing it is harmful several times and minutes although it felt uncomfortably loud, I was the idiot who underwent the loudest ever TMS without being given earplugs etc.
I have caused all this hell to myself, not someone else. It is all my fault. If I had not gone to that therapy back then I wouldn't be writing this post and I would be enjoying Christmas with my family, not sitting here crying like a baby.
I remember that day like yesterday. I shouldn't have gone there at all to begin with but my dad got a phone call from that "therapist" who said that he wants to treat him.
My mom heard it and instantly told him that I should go instead of him because my issues are far worse. She insisted on that. She came to me and told me about it. I remember I didn't want to go there at all today, I just didn't feel like it. I told her I don't want to go there. But she kept pushing me. Eventually I agreed. The worst decision of my life. If she hadn't come to me with that talk, I would have never gone there. Never.
I didn't think so at first but thinking about the matter I have developed some sort of anger towards my mom because she was the one who insisted on me going there.
I love her dearly but for some reason I am starting to become distant with her. It is so sad.
Also it seems to me that she and other family members just don't get it how bad my situation is. I lost everything that day.
Of course I made it way worse with music blasting and the TMS thing but in fact the TMS shit was also arranged by my parents. It was my stupidity to stay there despite the terrible loudness but still.
I feel like everything has originated from my parents, all the latter misery I have been through. I don't hate them in the typical sense but I feel some hate kinda feeling towards them.
The events that led me to the situation I am in now were initiated by my parents. They instigated me to do this and do that.
I can't look them in the eye normally anymore. I can't look at myself. I see myself as a disgusting, self-hating, self-destroying loser. I fucking hate myself. Sorry for the profanity. I feel like I gotta say what I want to say. Let the words fall out. I have ruined everything for myself.
Trust me when I say I was a perfectly healthy individual before, only obstacle I had was my anxiety and overthinking issue. My mental state would often fluctuate. To hell with that. It doesn't matter anything now.
The saddest part is that my hearing abilities were awesome before. I could hear all frequencies in the minus decibel range and let alone my amazing ability to compose, remember and distinguish music.
I could have been an opera singer (I sang everything else great too), in fact I was about to take up professional singing and start going to training lessons as well to better myself even further. My passion for music was indescribable.
I listened to music all the time and when I wasn't listening, all the melodies were playing in my head. They still are btw and that drives me crazy. It is playing in my head but I cannot listen to it. Music is totally ruined for me. The terrible asymmetry between my ears, the awful muffled distortion, missing notes, screeching sounds and white noise. It is the most terrible thing to happen to me. I am not gonna lie. Music and sounds were my life.
I could hear better than all the people I know. My hearing was my greatest gift. I could have been a great musician. I wanted to become one. I really did. But I was too late when I realized what a life-altering mistake I had made.
One stupid decision to ruin it all. I have no life anymore. I am the most pathetic and pityful person I know. I cannot stand myself. I wanna slap myself till my face ruptures and I fall on the ground dead. I don't wanna die but I have nothing to live for anymore.
I don't wanna die but I can't live like this. I don't want these dark times to cloud all the good memories that I have from earlier days.
I wanna go home but I can't seem to find it amongst all the others. I am in my house but jt doesn't feel like home any longer. I feel lost in the dark. I am blinded and I cannot hear the calling. I don't know the path anymore. I was lead astray and there is nothing to guide me. No beacon to follow home. No one to rescue me. I cannot rescue myself.
Damnation is upon me. It has swallowed me. I am floating inside a black void. My path is broken.
What awaits me on the other side? The side I cannot reach anymore. Perhaps there was something great for me waiting for me to catch it...but it matters not anymore. It is gone now for good. There are no second chances in life. You either make good use of the given opportunities or you waste it all...maybe in even one day..or two...or three who the heck knows.
It pains me to admit it but it appears there was no point in my life from the start. Perhaps I was just born to suffer and cause suffering.
Perhaps that was my faith to be from the very beginning. It just came unexpected. I was born to have my chances killed and life destroyed. All that I ever loved and cherised died along with me. My soul is gone.
There is nothing left of my personality. I am gone. I was but I am no longer. Maybe it was all just a dream. Maybe this is a dream, a nightmare.
Why don't I wake up from it?
Member
Happy Holidays! 
