I had a Major Setback Tonight.

[meeruf]

Well. I was on a big party tonight with the shopping mall I work in. It was an awesome party. The problem is that my ear just can't handle the fucking noise. And it was not that much noise either. Just a lot of people talking in a big room with some background music.

I just go totally inside my head, and when people talk to me I just act like I'm not on this planet. Because all I can focus on is my stupid ear that is painful and stiff because of the noise. The tinnitus is not the problem. It's just that my right ear is painful and stiff.

Maybe I'm just spoiled, I don't know. Its just that before my ear was broken. I was really in the zone. I went to nightclubs and stuff and almost always took a girl home. Now I just can't fucking do that because I'm in my fucking head all the time. Just looking on people like a fucking creepy dude. I just want to go out there, live in the moment and have fucking fun.

I also feel like a little bit of an asshole, because this night I met a dude on the dance floor with NO FUCKING LEGS AND ARMS. Yeah, WTF?? He was happy and just lived life. He left the party in a fucking wheelchair DRUNK AS FUCK. If he can pull that off, I should really just shut the fuck up, stop being a fucking pussy and just enjoy my fucking life... "A broken ear" VS "no arms and legs". WTF? Why am I even complaining?

Sorry guys, I'm just a little drunk now and needed to vent a little. It would be nice if some of you could come with some nice words until I wake up tomorrow. I'm a little confused....

 

[gary]

Meeruf, we all get those days like you just had. You are right about the guy with no arms and legs. He's having fun and you are bitiching like a little girl. Sleep it off Bro, you will feel better in the morning. If you want to vent some more go ahead and lay it on me.....

 

[I who love music]

You said it all in the first paragraph.

 

[LadyDi]

Hey Meeruf:

1. Personal suffering is not a contest. There always will be people who are worse off and better off than you in any situation. So while it's good to keep things in perspective, you have every right to occasionally (as in infrequently but occasionally) throw a very brief little pity party for yourself.

2. Being at parties still is the hardest thing for me. Being even with a dozen people, if the room acoustics are right, can be miserable. I always love parties but carrying on a witty conversation when you are wearing ear plugs sucks.

3. Dance more. Talk less. That's what the guy with no arms and legs would tell you.

4. You can still leave with the girl. Just say, ummm, I think you are so amazing and I want to hear everything you're saying. It's kind of noisy in here. Maybe we can go somewhere that's a little quieter,


Happy hangover!

 

[Amelia]

I agree with LadyDi - no one has the corner on suffering. It's ok to get the shits with your situation.

Hopefully tonight was just one of toes alcohol fueled nights that get you in a down place rather than a happy one and that things look better in the morning

 

[Neenie]

It's like you opened up my mind and read my thoughts! I am exactly the same. I don't want to do anything other than sit on the couch but I force myself to socialise but then when I do, I'm just inside my own mind not listening to a word anyone is saying. My partner is a lawyer and he was talking about a totally new section they're opening in his firm and I don't have a clue what's going on but now I'm too embarrassed to ask. I never listen to anything he says, but I want him home keeping me company but then totally ignore him anyway. I ignore everyone and not because I want to but....well...there is no excuse but I always dwell on how miserable I feel and all the things that are wrong with me. All I want to talk about is how crap my tinnitus is and the other millions of things that are "wrong" with me even though any sensible person wouldn't worry about. I'm totally insane. I think the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. That is me.

I think that there are various different personalities out there but from reading everyones posts it becomes pretty clear that we all have the exact same way of thinking. Which makes me realise it's gotta be a certain thinking style that we all follow. Everyone keeps telling me the answer is CBT and I'm too lazy to even give it a go. And also, because I am too stubborn to believe that just adapting your thinking can be a solution that takes time. I just want a magic pill that makes it go away tomorrow and keep searching and searching for that pill that does not exist.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think the exact same way I do. My Dad broke his neck at the beach and I'm still obsessing over my tinnitus as if it were the most important thing in the world!

 

[dan]

How the hell do you break your neck at the beach? Was he doing summersaults?

 

[Riikka]

Hi! I'm sorry you didn't enjoy yourself at the party. Like everyone else, I understand that it's very difficult to attend noisy events. I still haven't been to any noisy events after my T aggravated. I was supposed to go to a small party on new years eve. I started walking outside to get to the bus station early in the evening. Even at that time there were quite noisy fire works and I got really afraid what would happen if someone would use a fire cracker next to my ears. I tried to use earplugs while outside but my T was so noisy I couldn't stand using the earplugs. At that point I realized I can not make it to the new years eve party. I returned home and felt really sorry for myself and disappointed that T is interfering with my life so much. After crying for a while I called my friend and she came over to my place so I didn't need to go outside.

It is just normal to have these kinds of setbacks. We have to allow ourselves to feel miserable and cry for one evening and than forget about that bad day and move on. As bad as it feels to not be able to enjoy parties and discos any more, there are also other ways to spend a nice evening that aren't as noisy, for example play billiard, go to a dinner party,...

When we are feeling sad, it is also easy to generalize and think that everyone is enjoying themselves and has an easy life except us. You don't know what is going on in other peoples' head. Maybe one guy was getting drunk because he felt so miserable that evening. And probably many people and girls didn't realize you had any problems that evening.

 

[Luca]

I can assure you that you will eventually get better, but maybe you should give your ears some rest before hitting the clubs again. Stay classy.

 

[Tenna]

Some of your writing made me giggle a bit! This last summer I went to one of my most memorable outdoor parties, and there was a paralyzed girl in a wheelchair doing her thing on the dancefloor just smiling, it was fantastic.
1 broken ear vs. 1 geodude is a tough battle, just incomparable We dont know how incapacitating those disorders are on other fields than our own.
Go sleep it out and remember, despite that guy having no limbs, he dances

 

[mick1987]

Meeruf, you have every right to feel f****d off! Most people don't have to live with the consequences of going to a party, most people get drunk as f**k and have a good time with only a hangover to deal with the next morning. Your ears ache...you worry your making things worse, you shouldn't compare your tinnitus with the no limb man, he would probably be worried about loud noise if he had tinnitus, sure have a good time but worrying about loud environments is normal dude, who wants extra screeming in their head for the rest of their life? We unfortunately have to know are limits, I'm OK with my tinnitus but I worry about noise, I don't want it to get worse, who does?

 

[frohike]

And it was not that much noise either. Just a lot of people talking in a big room with some background music. I just go totally inside my head, and when people talk to me I just act like I'm not on this planet.

That's at least 85-90 dB. "Inside my head" = tunnel vision from anxiety.

 

[NeoM]

I remember you saying in your one post you had hyperacusis. It's likely the hyperacusis because a lot of people with hyperacusis complain of the pressure and burning feeling too. It's possible the sound was right at the level of discomfort.