I'm Depressed and Thinking About Suicide but...

[PeteJ]

I'm another sorry poster - meaning I am also apologizing for this melancholic and depressing post.
My tinnitus started last Friday night. Should I explain everything here? I'll try to summarize it and elaborate if anyone wishes - in one of the main sections?
I did something stupid and was using my computer - I took my headphones off and switched the audio settings from headphones to audio out/speaker and for some reason, the setting for the volume went up way too high and I was an idiot and was playing a video. Thus, the sound was way too high and I was right there in front of the computer. Instantly my left ear was in pain. I have a hard time remembering the details now but I think I first recognized buzzing sounds around a day or two afterwards.

The update from that until now is that the buzzing sound becomes really loud and debilitating which makes me want to commit suicide. I'm scared of dying, though, and I own a small dog that is my world and I don't want to leave her - but the buzzing sound and volume is just too much for me. Recently, the volume has gone down a bit sometimes but I don't know why or what's going on when it does. It seems at random but people around me think there are things I can do to reduce it (i.e. control it?). I'm seeing an audiologist tomorrow and waiting for an ENT appointment. What's the chances of anyone being able to help enough - I won't be to tolerate it unless it's near silent - the more quiet the better. I'm afraid it will never go silent but at a volume I can hardly hear or can't hear it, I was wondering if that's at all possible - and to remain no louder.

I am wondering if this is considered caused by acoustic trauma? I was glad to read success stories but eeryone is different so it's not doing much to help my mood. It's just good that there are some success stories. Also, I have read that the recent studies talk about the cochlea and there's discussion about cochlea cells and nerves - and I am hoping I didn't damage any. That makes me most scared. The recent studies and tests show promise regarding that but it's so far away. I can't wait that long. I only hope that this is temporary but what's the chances? No one knows. I am so depressed and I think about suicide but I'm afraid of dying and I don't want to leave my dog. But, the buzzing when it's at a high volume (like at this moment) is unbearable.

I work at a factory and want to quit because I think it's insane to work at a place with this problem but everyone thinks I can wear the 'ear muff' ear protection and 'everything will be fine.' It's good money and I am stressed out about all this and the anxiety/depression is not helping but it's the high volume constant buzzing that is exacerbating my condition in the first place. Does that make any sense?

This post is rather lengthy. Sorry about that.

 

[Bill Bauer]

The update from that until now is that the buzzing sound becomes really loud and debilitating which makes me want to commit suicide.

I've been there. However, you really need to wait before doing anything irreversible like that. There is a good chance that your tinnitus will begin fading. If you experience some fading during your first 2-3 months, you can expect it to continue fading.

Check out

Relative newbies to tinnitus are likely to find all the information/opinions above quite confusing. So here are a few common-sense rules to follow:

1. The best protection of all is avoidance. Even the best earplugs can't guarantee complete hearing protection so those relatively new to tinnitus are best advised to avoid prolonged loud noise exposure - especially amplified sound at for example live concerts and sports events. This may involve lifestyle changes.

2. When in doubt, use hearing protection. In the many tasks we all do through the week, some will inevitably involve exposure to noise - which may be at higher levels than we at first realise - so using hearing protection for many of these is only sensible.

3. Build quiet into your day. It's not a good idea to be wearing hearing protection all the time - so you need to give your ears a break by ensuring that there will be quieter times during your day when hearing protection isn't necessary.This may involve changing your routine. Use soft masking noise and light music (not using headphones) to avoid "silence" where tinnitus is most noticeable.

4. Don't stress about stress. Tinnitus newbies are forever being told that the thing which makes tinnitus worse is stress. But while it's true that how you are feeling at a particular moment can make tinnitus temporarily louder, it won't have a lasting effect. But prolonged loud noise exposure can make tinnitus permanently louder. So don't stress about stress - but do be concerned about noise.

I didn't read all the above comments, but did peruse a fair amount of it, and ran across many good points on both sides of the argument. What strikes me is there seems to be an underlying assumption (of course I may be wrong on this) that all brains and neurological systems are created equal. The way I see it, that's simply not the case, so everybody's way of dealing with tinnitus and/or hyperacusis is going to have to be highly individualized.

I read a book many years ago called "Adrenal Syndrome". A lot of the book touched on the residual resiliency of people's adrenal glands as they respond to life's stresses. Very low resiliency often resulted in months/years of chronic debilitating exhaustion following a stressful event(s) in their lives. Very high resiliency indicated essentially the opposite. The author broke this down into some rough numbers:

25% of people have low resiliency, meaning normal life stressors will often send them into some degree of a tailspin.
25% of people have high resiliency, meaning that no matter how severe a stressor comes into their lives, they will be able to cope without becoming debilitated to any degree.
50% of people fall somewhere inbetween.

I believe there are some kind of corresponding numbers for a person's brain and neurological resiliency as well, which can greatly affect the ability to cope with tinnitus. (I believe adrenal resiliency also plays a major role in our ability to cope). -- Based on these assumptions, it's pretty easy for me to conclude that what may be overprotection for one person will be underprotection for another, and vice versa.

I think the main point to understand for someone new to tinnitus is that their path forward is going to be a lot of "testing the waters". Generally, IMHO, it's going to take a few weeks or months to get important insights that will help us achieve a healthy balance. In all likelihood, most people are going to learn from experience when their over-protecting or under-protecting.

I've come to believe however, that in those early months, if one is going to err in either direction, it should be toward overprotection. It just seems to me the consequences of underprotection (which could result in permanent injury) in those early times are much more dire than the consequences of overprotection--which as I understand, generally results in temporary setbacks.

Doing a number of things to better support the brain and neurological system and the body's stress response (adrenal glands) is quite high on my list of recommendations I would make to anybody with tinnitus. Doing so might even prevent phonophobia or OCD, etc., as we go through our learning curves -- Just my 2 cents worth.

Also, see the numerous tips (especially the first one) on
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...eone-else-who-has-tinnitus.26850/#post-307822

 

[PeteJ]

Thank you for the reply, Bill. I will read it more closely and probably reply with more details soon. Currently, the buzzing is so loud and 'fast' - how else can I describe it? - that it's difficult for me to concentrate.
When you say, 'fading' - do you mean a gradual fading of the volume?

My experience is that it fades at random times for indefinite time periods and then it may either go to a very low buzz or hiss or to a very quiet buzzing sound that is still audible and annoying but not as bad as the loud, fast buzzing that is intolerable. I don't think it's gone silent - at least, I'm pretty sure there is at least a hiss or 'white noise' but very quiet - at times. It has been as short as 5 mins or so and as long as 4 - 5 hours. It seems that the fast, loud buzzing is often at night or almost always occurs at night although it can occur at any other time as well.

I am hoping when you say 'fading' - you mean any time there is a drop in pitch or volume or something else (frequency? I'm not very advanced at using sound/audio terms. sorry.

I'm trying to avoid loud noises but it's quite difficult to avoid them entirely.

 

[Bill Bauer]

When you say, 'fading' - do you mean a gradual fading of the volume?

Fading often entails a gradual decrease in volume as well as the change of the sound from a high pitch tone to a high pitch hiss and then to a lower pitch hiss that is easier to ignore.

My experience is that it fades at random times for indefinite time periods and then it may either go to a very low buzz or hiss or to a very quiet buzzing sound that is still audible and annoying but not as bad as the loud, fast buzzing that is intolerable.

You've had it for less than a month, and you have had some good progress! This is a good sign. You can ignore those temporary setbacks. What happens on any given day doesn't matter. What matters is the monthly trend and the global lows. You have already seen some pretty good lows - good for you.

I'm trying to avoid loud noises but it's quite difficult to avoid them entirely.

Do your best/what you can, and that should be enough.

 

[GSC]

Give it a week, give it two. I'm no expert, but if your ringing is already fading and tremoring down then the signs look good. Just protect your ears in the mean time. Tell your family what you are experiencing and ask them to be considerate of it. When you go to your apt to the ENT, make sure you protect your ears there too. Yours sound like it's probably acoustic trauma? So just protect protect protect in the mean time!

My friend dealt with the ear ringing for two weeks after listening to his head phones on the computer on MAX volume for two whole songs and he said it went away. Have hope. And if things go bad, don't give up. We're not lucky, and we're still suffering, but there's so many cures and treatments on the horizon for us. Even if the wait feels long, it won't be. YOU HAVE THIS.

 

[Ismael]

Hello, I understand you perfectly, your tinnitus is very recent, it will improve safely, do not think about solutions without exit.
I have been where you are, have patience, follow proper treatment and do not despair, there is a way out, try to make your life normal, get away from the obsession of noise although I know it is difficult, but try it and you will see that it is a harmless paper monster.
Your tinnitus is very recent, you can recover as many, have strength and encouragement.

 

[Bill Bauer]

@PeteJ

Hearing Regeneration Trials

Spoiler

Frequency Therapeutics - FX-322
in Phase 1.5 (Results: December 2018)
Phase 2 (begin 2019)
Audion / Regain Trial
Phase 1/2 ongoing in the UK
Genvec / Novartis - CGF166
Phase 1/2 ongoing

Trials to begin in 2019 / Things to look out for in 2019

Spoiler

Neuromod (MuteButton)
launching their new device in January 2019 starting in Ireland, then Europe, then the US
results of their latest trial: 1H2019
Xenon Pharma - XEN-1101
Phase 2, expected to wrap up in 2nd quarter 2020
Frequency Therapeutics
Phase 2
Otonomy
1H19: OTO-313 (reduce tinnitus) Phase 1/2
1H19: OTO-413 (repairing synaptic damage) Phase 1/2
OTO-6XX (hair cell regeneration)
2H18: candidate selection
2019: Phase 1/2
University of Minnesota (device for tinnitus)
Phase 3 ?
University of Michigan (device for tinnitus)
perhaps updates on their currently ongoing trial
Estimated Primary Completion Date: September 2022
Estimated Study Completion Date: January 2023

 

[JohnAdams]

The sad truth is that many of us have thought about suicide. This condition is horrible and I won't judge anyone that has suicidal thoughts because that's what this condition does to the soul, it causes it to retract in horror and plot its escape from its torturous defective flesh.

 

[Contrast]

Get a predisone steroid immediately from your ENT/GP!!! Buy Magnesium for anxiety and hearing recovery.
Tell them about your tinnitus, noise induced pain and even lie a little that it's worse just to make sure you can get a predisone to recover hearing and reduce tinnitus and damage as much as possible.

Magnesium study for SNHL cited here
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8135325
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507266/

hoping I didn't damage any.

it's impossible to do no damage, all acoustic traumas result in immediate damage to cochlear synapses ribbons and slow degradation of cochlear hair cells. Ignoring scientific facts for comfort isn't going to change reality.

my left ear was in pain

you indicated that you experienced "noise induced pain". Do you still experience ear pain from noise or a sudden jaw/tooth ache?

This means your ears are damaged and more fragile then ever, let them heal as much as possible, do not expose yourself to very loud noise under any circumstance to make the best recovery.

waiting for an ENT appointment

Recent research indicates that hearing test used at most audiology clinics and ENTs are not inaccurate, they only test for hearing loss within the human voice range, learn more here about hidden hearing loss and how hearing loss outside of speech range can result in difficulties hearing speech in noise and music.

http://hyperacusisfocus.org/innerear/

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378595516302507

 

[Ismael]

I agree, take prednisone as soon as possible and magnesium, today in the only thing that there is to reverse the damage of the cells, and you are within the window of time where it is possible to recover.

 

[Contrast]

I agree, take prednisone as soon as possible and magnesium, today in the only thing that there is to reverse the damage of the cells, and you are within the window of time where it is possible to recover.

Why is neurotrophin-3 (NT-3) locked away behind FDA vaults?

This medicine could be a game changer that will get the audiotory nerve to send out as many new ribbon synapses as possible to connect with de-nerved hair cells.In the earliest window this should be very effective preventative cure. ( We stilll don't know ofcourse ) but it's such a shame how regressive ENT's and audiologist are when it comes to saving hearing.
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/neurotrophin-3-regenerates-cochlear-synapses.31752/

 

[Ismael]

It is interesting what you say, really the tinnitus is related in a certain way to epilepsy and auditory memory, although in my opinion I do not believe in a nearby medicine that recovers those cells, but a medicine that turns off that abnormal auditory signal.

 

[Contrast]

It is interesting what you say, really the tinnitus is related in a certain way to epilepsy and auditory memory, although in my opinion I do not believe in a nearby medicine that recovers those cells, but a medicine that turns off that abnormal auditory signal.

I believe a cure for SNHL is on the horizon if sufferers are intelligent enough to raise awarness, what's the point of curing tinnitus when you are still stuck with broken hearing and noise induced pain?, the root pathology that triggered everything is SNHL. Fixing that may kill 3 birds with one stone.

Also a neurological approach seems far more difficult then treating the peripheral cochlear damage.

 

[PortalNaut]

Hang in there, you are in the early days, and like Bill said with the variation and early days, wait these out and then CONTINUE ON!

 

[GlennS]

what's the point of curing tinnitus when you are still stuck with broken hearing and noise induced pain?

The point would be that curing tinnitus in isolation would be that it still improves quality of life to a great extent.

 

[Drone Draper]

Hello, OP. Listen to contrast, ask your GP/ENT about prednisone! I really wish I had been told this when I first got T.

You are so early in you could also benefit from hyperbaric oxygen therapy.

You could also see it fade to zero at this stage, it's only been 10 days.

Suicide is a common thought among T sufferers, but please give things time. There are treatments on the way and you could easily improve.

 

[PeteJ]

Fading often entails a gradual decrease in volume as well as the change of the sound from a high pitch tone to a high pitch hiss and then to a lower pitch hiss that is easier to ignore.You've had it for less than a month, and you have had some good progress! This is a good sign. You can ignore those temporary setbacks. What happens on any given day doesn't matter. What matters is the monthly trend and the global lows. You have already seen some pretty good lows - good for you.

Do your best/what you can, and that should be enough.

I turned off my fan and radio (I was using one or the other for sleep - the radio was mostly used) and it didn't really help but I didn't know what else to do. Trying to sleep with the loud buzzing was virtually impossible. I wasn't getting good sleeps. Last night, I couldn't take it any more and the loud buzzing depressed me so much that I just gave up and tried to rest/sleep (which was a hopeless endeavor). I decided to turn off the radio and not have any noise in my bedroom. I closed the door and it was just outside noise. The fast, loud buzzing eventually went to a low buzzing or tone. Finally, some relief if just from the typical loud buzzing. It was relatively 'quiet' until I seemed to hear a 'switch' around 6am. It went to a slow hiss or tone. I am paranoid about 'doing something' to make it worse whenever I 'hear' improvement. I'm typing this but the low volume buzzing returned. Is there anything to do with having electronics or low noise close to you that might 'start' the tinnitus? I do have computer fans going. Or is it just coincidence?
Is this also good news, though? I haven't had a night in which the loud buzzing had disappeared for nearly the entire night yet.

I have an appointment this morning at an audiology clinic but the director said not to 'use the internet.'

 

[Contrast]

but the director said not to 'use the internet.'

you are a free human being to do and believe what you want, we are trying to prevent you from getting false information from ENT's and audiologist. They cannot control you

Here's an example of a poor girl suffering with very bad tinnitus and noise induced pain, audiologist and ENT's are useless for her. They don't even care about research, many people on this forum know the cycle of what is going on and want to help you break it.

 

[Drone Draper]

I have an appointment this morning at an audiology clinic but the director said not to 'use the internet.'

They say this with mostly good intentions, but that is BS. The ones who say this with good intentions don't want you to be exposed to horror stories or taken in by conmen. selling you a miracle cure. Others simply think you need to get used to it, which is easy for them to say/think.

Being on this forum specifically has been a huge boon for me - I've learned about the research to cure T, which a lot of ENTs and audiologists don't seem to care about too much, beyond TRT and CBT, e.g. just getting used to it. Also it's good to hear here how others cope with day to day T and spikes. I would definitely steer clear of most facebook groups though, most of them suck.

 

[PeteJ]

Get a predisone steroid immediately from your ENT/GP!!! Buy Magnesium for anxiety and hearing recovery.
Tell them about your tinnitus, noise induced pain and even lie a little that it's worse just to make sure you can get a predisone to recover hearing and reduce tinnitus and damage as much as possible.

Magnesium study for SNHL cited here
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8135325
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507266/

it's impossible to do no damage, all acoustic traumas result in immediate damage to cochlear synapses ribbons and slow degradation of cochlear hair cells. Ignoring scientific facts for comfort isn't going to change reality.

you indicated that you experienced "noise induced pain". Do you still experience ear pain from noise or a sudden jaw/tooth ache?

This means your ears are damaged and more fragile then ever, let them heal as much as possible, do not expose yourself to very loud noise under any circumstance to make the best recovery.

Recent research indicates that hearing test used at most audiology clinics and ENTs are not inaccurate, they only test for hearing loss within the human voice range, learn more here about hidden hearing loss and how hearing loss outside of speech range can result in difficulties hearing speech in noise and music.

http://hyperacusisfocus.org/innerear/

Your reply is very informative but also very depressing. :-( Can one test for 'hidden hearing loss?' I can buy magnesium at the grocery/drug store but how do I convince a general physician or even ENT to prescribe a prednisone steroid for my condition? I'm afraid they will 'ask why?' and look at me funny. Here, it takes ages to get an ENT appointment but I have the ball rolling meaning I visited their office and told them I want an appt and they should have received my referral (all these health clinics turn their phones off so you only get busy signals).

I am correct to assume that it's still early enough to use the steroid? I have read of that once but previously, my buzzing was so fast and loud, I couldn't go on the computer for long and the 'PTSD' (I am just calling it that so you know what I mean) of being near my 'trigger' of this tinnitus upset me (maybe that sounds silly but...).

I'm really worried about that picture - that my nerve fibers/hair cells were damaged and this is what happened. Has anyone read of the study that the CTV Network reported on tinnitus? It made me lose hope.

 

[PeteJ]

They say this with mostly good intentions, but that is BS. The ones who say this with good intentions don't want you to be exposed to horror stories or taken in by conmen. selling you a miracle cure. Others simply think you need to get used to it, which is easy for them to say/think.

Being on this forum specifically has been a huge boon for me - I've learned about the research to cure T, which a lot of ENTs and audiologists don't seem to care about too much, beyond TRT and CBT, e.g. just getting used to it. Also it's good to hear here how others cope with day to day T and spikes. I would definitely steer clear of most facebook groups though, most of them suck.

I agree. I am afraid this audiologist will want me to 'find ways to get used to it' and introduce me to the therapy. I want it to improve or 'go away' - not have to get used to it. :-( I think governments have neglected this condition because there's no money to make in trying to improve the situation or it's so complicated (if we are talking about hair cells and nerve (cells))?

 

[PeteJ]

This is the article:
https://www.ctvnews.ca/health/exper...reduce-constant-ringing-of-tinnitus-1.3746819
I think it's really depressing.

 

[Contrast]

I agree. I am afraid this audiologist will want me to 'find ways to get used to it' and introduce me to the therapy. I want it to improve or 'go away' - not have to get used to it. :-( I think governments have neglected this condition because there's no money to make in trying to improve the situation or it's so complicated (if we are talking about hair cells and nerve (cells))?

yes damage to nerves and hair cells in the inner ear deprives the auditory brain of hearing input it expects, the audiotory brain then generates a pseudo noise ( tinnitus) in response to a hearing deficit, sometimes but not always.

Not everyone with a lost limb has phantom limb syndrome
Not everyone with hearing loss has tinnitus
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4208401/

 

[Drone Draper]

Yes, yes and yes.

Take one day at a time right now. Listen to the good advice you've gotten from Bill and Contrast.

 

[PeteJ]

Give it a week, give it two. I'm no expert, but if your ringing is already fading and tremoring down then the signs look good. Just protect your ears in the mean time. Tell your family what you are experiencing and ask them to be considerate of it. When you go to your apt to the ENT, make sure you protect your ears there too. Yours sound like it's probably acoustic trauma? So just protect protect protect in the mean time!

My friend dealt with the ear ringing for two weeks after listening to his head phones on the computer on MAX volume for two whole songs and he said it went away. Have hope. And if things go bad, don't give up. We're not lucky, and we're still suffering, but there's so many cures and treatments on the horizon for us. Even if the wait feels long, it won't be. YOU HAVE THIS.

I think it's acoustic trauma. But, I work in a factory so who knows what has been going on over time.
That's another issue. Everyone is encouraging me to go back, doctors, relatives, friends, even the audiologist. I think that doesn't make sense - going to a noisy environment even though I will have hearing protection. In addition to that, I've become very depressed and thought I might not be able to deal with this (I tried to express this in the original post).
What should I do?
I am not 'full-time' - in other words, I have full-time status but I'm working 'via contract' - it's not an employment agency but the benefits etc. is virtually the same. I might not even have the job for long. I will need good medical documentation and even then, they could get rid of me if they really want to. It's good pay or I would have left already. But, I think the best thing is to avoid it for now and consider my options? Any advice about this?

 

[Bill Bauer]

Is there anything to do with having electronics or low noise close to you that might 'start' the tinnitus?

Some people's T is reactive - it gets louder in response to any sounds around them.

But, I think the best thing is to avoid it for now and consider my options?

I agree. If you can find a quieter job, you should definitely try it.

The fast, loud buzzing eventually went to a low buzzing or tone. Finally, some relief if just from the typical loud buzzing. It was relatively 'quiet' until I seemed to hear a 'switch' around 6am. It went to a slow hiss or tone.

This is a wonderful news! The worst type of T is the one that stays relentlessly at the same volume and pitch. A hiss is a big improvement on a high pitch tone. It ought to continue to improve and fade. Don't worry about the daily fluctuations. What matters is the monthly trend and the global lows.

 

[GSC]

I think it's acoustic trauma. But, I work in a factory so who knows what has been going on over time.
That's another issue. Everyone is encouraging me to go back, doctors, relatives, friends, even the audiologist. I think that doesn't make sense - going to a noisy environment even though I will have hearing protection. In addition to that, I've become very depressed and thought I might not be able to deal with this (I tried to express this in the original post).
What should I do?
I am not 'full-time' - in other words, I have full-time status but I'm working 'via contract' - it's not an employment agency but the benefits etc. is virtually the same. I might not even have the job for long. I will need good medical documentation and even then, they could get rid of me if they really want to. It's good pay or I would have left already. But, I think the best thing is to avoid it for now and consider my options? Any advice about this?

I would consider avoiding your job for right now. If it it's depressing you and you feel sick and that much anxiety from going to work ( for good reason ). Avoid it. You'll miss a few pay. You might need a new job, but hopefully with this decision, you won't need to deal with the ringing for so long. Hopefully it will go away. Look out for yourself and your well being, don't let your family peer pressure you when your gut instinct is telling you otherwise.

 

[Drone Draper]

Really feel bad for you and the work situation. I was able to work from home the first few weeks after T. It's a tough one.

 

[billie48]

@PeteJ welcome to the forum.

I was where you are (like many members initially) who have to fight with dark thoughts and not choose the one way ticket with uncertain outcome. Your tinnitus is very new and if you read the success stories you will realize that many members went through stages like what you are going through but they eventually got better. They use various strategies but the most common element of success is the passage of time. If you suffer from acoustic trauma, then it will take some time to heal. There will be periods of instability of the ears and various symptoms will surface. There will be setbacks. However, overtime things will get better. I agree that you should try to get steroid treatment as soon as possible. If one doctor doesn't give you that, try others.

So give the body and yourself enough time. I have ultra high pitch T and severe hyperacusis at the start and I was in a mess mentally and physically. I had to depend on meds to survive each long dark day initially. Like others who have been pushed to the blink by intrusive T, suicidal thoughts were common and tempting. But hang in there. Today I live a normal, productive and highly enjoyable life, travelling and cruising with my loved ones. I am not the lone story of course. Many members left their success stories. Go read them up to soak yourself with hope. Life is not lost even with bad T. If my success story can help you, below is the link to it. Take care. God bless.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

[PeteJ]

I'm sorry but I'm so down again. The appointment at the audiologist's was like this: she tried to sell me a $3000 hearing aid and promoted TRT (?). I had my ears cleaned and did a more extensive hearing test. But, I have low volume buzzing but my left ear feels really uncomfortable (painful but not as bad as before). I think she aggravated it? What else can it be? What can I do (now)? I'm so worried that it was made worse or is it just temporary because of the evaluation/tests? Please (be honest but) tell me it's only temporary? I'm crying here. :-( I hate my life...