Just Venting My Frustrations and Fears

I am just venting here to you my online TT friends who understand. I need some outlet for the frustration and desperation I feel.

I'm at four months now. I am trying so hard! Yesterday I did pretty well. I did lots of jobs around home and outside, went shopping, cycled for some exercise, cooked my husband dinner etc. Some anxiety was still there but I managed to keep frantically busy and survive the day. My husband thought I'd done well and suggested not taking any valium, which I have been taking some evenings. I got through the evening ok, and even slept ok (with the help of mirtazapine and melatonin). I've been taking some valium most days but worry it may not be helping the anxiety in the long term (withdrawal) so am trying to minimise usage. As I've been taking it for 4 months I do wonder if I'm already getting withdrawal effects when I don't take it or if its just the usual anxiety.

Today when I woke I could not get the anxiety under control. I tried breathing exercises. I tried a guided mindfulness meditation. I also tried 45mins of guided hypnotherapy for T and for anxiety. I went outside in the sun and tried to do some jobs to keep my mind occupied. Still overwhelmed with the anxiety. I gave in and took 1/2 a valium tablet. Anxiety is better, but I'm then tired and lethargic from the valium and just laid on the couch for 3 hours - not good. Its a beautiful sunny day outside and I feel unable to enjoy anything. I shall get up now and try and achieve something for the day. I am so so weary of this day after day. I cannot see that light yet at the end of the tunnel. At times I get some very dark thoughts. I cannot imagine living like this forever. I am so scared I cannot bear to think much more than a couple of days ahead. This really is a living hell. I know I have to get my reaction to T under control. I am trying everything and doing my best.

Anyway thanks for listening/reading.
Tamika

 

Hi @Tamika. You're right about it being a beautiful day! I'm in Brisbane and the weather is glorious outside today.

Everyone is (obviously) different when it comes to dealing with tinnitus, but as for mine... I kind of just shrug my shoulders and bear it. It sucks - I can hear mine over everything, so I guess it's 'intrusive' - but what else can I do?

You're only four months in. Keep staying busy, like you're doing, and hopefully the passage of time will help you overcome some of these anxiety issues.

 

Hi @Mike82 Thanks for your response.

How many months did you take to get to the point where you could shrug it off - even though it annoys you?

 

My tinnitus still annoys me every day. I just try and let it annoy me in the background while I'm doing other things!

 

Hi Tamika, sorry for your struggle lately. T is a formidable foe but it is not invincible and it is beatable. Four months are not that long for habituating to severely intrusive tinnitus. Some may be able to do it, but mere mortal like me too 2+ years to bet stable enough. It is a patience game. The T bully wants to control us. We need to be aware of the temptation to lose our cool and become fearful of T, as this can prolong our suffering. Give it time. I was still in full panic mode at 4 months and so you don't have to feel bad that after 4 months you still suffer. It is going to test our patience. Hang in there. Try to seek out new hobbies to distract from T. Take good care.

 

Hi Billie
Thanks for your positive words. You are an inspiration! Yes you are right I am still very fearful and know this is causing more suffering.

Did you manage to overcome your anxiety without medication? Two years is a long time for you to be battling this awful condition and H as well.

I only have minor H - and reactive T. I do hear the T over just about everything. I also had a sudden overnight substantial hearing loss which is taking a bit of adjustment as well. I have been using a very small amount of valium for anxiety which has been helpful to this point, or I would not have been able to leave the house at times, but I think its time to wean off as I suspect I might be getting some withdrawal symptoms on days I don't take it. Not sure if this is the case or just my normal anxiety fluctuation.
Thanks Billie
Kind regards
Tamika

 

Yes Tamika I have to take Ativan & Prozac plus sleeping pills just to cope. I have prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder. So the brain had no chance against T & H initially. No amount of will power or things I learn from forums could stop the panic attacks coming on auto mode every time I woke up with the T blasting away. The Ativan was with me in my wallet all the time so just in case panic was out of control. For people with anxiety and panic disorder, the nerves are not stable enough to take the T & H traumas. So I was on meds a lot of time for the 1st year. The 2nd year was one with gradual recovery but a lot of setbacks, meaning spikes causing mental black holes often and I had to read and re-read all the WORD documents I wrote to counter the negative and distorted thoughts. I know the pain of such long struggle with the anxious brain. I was not aloof from such struggle like everybody else. After 2 years, and after reading so many success stories, I know I can survive this. Why? Because I had not gone insane, collapsed completely, nor driven to off myself.

So at that point, a light switch kind of turned on with this thought, "Oh man, if I had known that I could survive like this for 2 years, why I wasted so much energy worrying, scaring myself this and that, and lived like hell most of the time for this? What if I had not reacted so bad, then the quality of my life in the last 2 years would have been so much better. Also, all the effort of re-living my life and all the positivity approaches are starting to convince the brain T is not life threatening, if annoying. I believe also when you are exposed to annoying thing for a period of time but you decide to accept it as a reality in life, then the brain will slowly be able to fade it out of consciousness because the annoying stimulus will lose its intensity to the brain. This is the case for people who moves from quite country side to a busy city. The noises would bug them first. But those who don't emotionally oppose the new noisy environment will adapt much faster than those who resist it emotionally. So accepting T as a reality in our life (if not liking it) will be helpful to calm the nerves and slowly the healing and habituation will begin.

 

Tamika, I can't really relate as I don't get anxious about my tinnitus and I don't remember ever getting as stressed over it as you are. It sounds awful to feel that way and not be able to control it.
Feelings are created by thoughts, not the other way around. And T is not creating your anxiety but some thought in your head or maybe more than one thought about your T is making you feel panicked. We have so many thoughts that fly through our brain in any one moment that it can be hard to sift through them and pull out the ones that are causing the feeling. But it's worthwhile to try it.
An exersize that may help is to write down what you are thinking when you become anxious like this. It's kind of scary because you may feel it will make you even more panicked to acknowledge them so openly. Usually what we do is try to do what you have been- keeping busy so as not to think about it.
But keeping busy and not thinking about it will just delay the inevitable which is that sooner or later you must face the fear.
Is it simply fear that your T is never going away and you don't know how you can live with it? It sounds like that is the one that you are consciously acknowlegding and have written down in your post. I can relate to that one very well as I'm sure every T sufferer has had that thought.
Start with writing that one down and then sift through your head and find any others that are making you scared. Possibly fear it will get louder? That's also a common one.
Then look at each frightening thought and analyse it and answer it with a calming positive answer. One is that it's not life threatening (I mean organically, I know some people feel it is for other reasons but let's not go into that!). Another is that you are doing fantastically well so far! Give yourself some credit for how well you've managed for the last four months. What you are doing is fantastic. If someone else swapped places with you right now and had to be in your shoes for an hour or two, how well do you think they would react? They'd sure have a new and deepened appreciation and respect for you don't you think?
Find answers to your fears and write each one down. Like you said in your post that you can't imagine living like this forever. Try imagining it. Don't be afraid to face it. You may not have to. It could go away. But imagine that it's not and that you carrying on doing everything you normally would do despite it. Because that's what you're doing now so imagine carrying on. It only gets better.
You'll find the way through that's your way. Everyone takes the time it takes and the way it is for them. Believe in yourself and see what you are doing already is proving you are a champion.

 

Tamika
I understand your panic. However, you are only at 4 months. Using sound therapy helped reduce my T significantly over 6 months. Also, T is only considered chronic after 12 months, so you still have a chance it will go away. There is hope, but you have to find a way to manage your anxiety.

 

@Tamika, staying on valium is not a long-term solution..Try putting things into perspective - it could be worse but it's not, so you can still live your life and being so fresh in all this you have a chance of seeing it getting much better in time, however, if you stay dependent on benzodiazepine, things will eventually get worse and T will be only one of many problems.

 

@billie48
@Mad maggot
Thank you both so much for your kind responses and for your thoughts and suggestions. It is comforting to feel the support of all you lovely understanding people. You are right. What I am feeling is extreme fear! That is what I need to keep working on. Also sometimes still having trouble letting go of the anger over something that was preventable.
Thanks again
Tamika

 

@Inge
@Gosia
Thank you for your support. I hope I start to see some improvement soon. Inge what sort of sound therapy did you use?

 

Things will get better. I was in a very deep and dark depression when i got T. You have to keep living your life in spite of T. The thread "back to silence" https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/back-to-silence.7172/ helped me quite a bit.

I also posted my success story.
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/i-guess-im-getting-habituated.10008/

I still have T. It's as loud as ever, but I found many ways to cope with it and you can too.

Don't give up, there is life after T.

 

Tamika,
In terms of sound therapy I do two things. First download the whitenoiseapp on your Iphone. It has white, brown, pink and purple noise. I find the purple noise matches the pitch of my T the best, so I sleep with it. The second thing is I went to the tinnitus clinic in london where I purchased hearing aids that are custom programmed with a static sound that masks my T. It is also meant to desensitise me to the T and thus reduce it over time. Having a constant static noise in the back ground mask your T allows you to be less fearful and anxious about your T.

 

Thanks Inge
Yes I think purple is the one for me as well

 

Tamika,
Just try to have the app running in the background as much as possible. It is less irritating to listen to a constant external sound, than your T which might fluctuate. This way you can relax a little more which is important, because anxiety makes T much worse. Also it is a great thing to have a support forum like this one, but do not research and post obsessively. The more you think about T, the more you become aware of it and the more anxious you will become.
Get lots of sleep, sleep deprivation makes it worse, get a prescription for a sleeping aid to help you during this challenging time if you have issues with sleep.