My Dearest Tinnitus Sufferers — I'm Torn Apart — I Want to End This Waking Nightmare

Allan1967

Allan1967

Member
Author
Benefactor
Hall of Fame
Oct 21, 2018
999
Tinnitus Since
1997
Cause of Tinnitus
Ear infection
#1
Today I am torn apart. I have a beautiful strong wife and 3 children that I love dearly.

I want to end this waking nightmare but I know I will leave behind a trail of devastation that will stay with them for all their lives.

I am torn between ending my nightmare and knowing I will condemn my family to the start of theirs.
 
#2
Have you heard of Neuromod (MuteButton)? They're launching a new device against tinnitus next year. We're still waiting for them to release the results of their latest trial but I'm hopeful that their device will be effective.
David said:
Looking at a January launch in Ireland. Rolling out to the UK after that. Applying for FDA approval for the US.
Click to expand...
Markku said:
Little birdie tells me @Steve might be heading over to Ireland for the Q&A as soon as November 28/29, so in a couple of weeks. Once we have the date confirmed, we will announce it, along with creating a new thread where members can submit their questions.
Click to expand...
 
#3
Has it been a year since your spike from the piano?
 
#7
@Allan1967
It is normal to feel this way, but you are still at early days with your new level of tinnitus.

It's hard, but you need to give it time and see how you feel in a few months time.

I don't doubt your suffering, I have been there and felt the same.

@billie48 has severe tinnitus and may be able to offer some words of support and advice. He is successfully living with severe tinnitus.

I agree with Michael that you need some medical intervention in terms of medication.
Please seek this out urgently.
 
#8
#9
Allan1967 said:
I've arranged all that Michael, but I feel no better.
Click to expand...

@Allan1967

Allan. I have had tinnitus a long time and know how it can affect one's mental and emotional well being. Others in this forum know this too. Anyone new to this condition can find it overwhelming and it takes time to start to feel better. Antidepressants and counselling take time to work it's not a quick fix. Please read my post below about a member of this forum, that was once in a very dark place and thought his life was over. His situation was very similar to what you describe, having a wife and children.

If you want to give me a call then PM me.

Michael

From darkness into light.

Tinnitus is not an easy condition to live with when it is severe. So it always pleases me to hear when someone habituates and is able to put the passed behind them and look forwards to a brighter future. A forum member contacted me recently to express just that and has agreed for me to include some of his comments although his name has been changed. Anyone having difficulty habituating I hope they will find this post helpful.

Last year Marcus was in a distressed state and convinced he would never see light again at the end of the tunnel. He works as an electrician and while up a ladder one afternoon, suddenly heard a loud ringing coming from a fire alarm that was on a nearby wall. He didn't pay it much attention and wasn't concerned about his hearing as he believed it would soon stop. He continued working but this proved not to be a good idea as the alarm continued for another twenty minutes. When it finally stopped and there was complete silence he then noticed ringing in his ears. Over the following days and weeks it gradually became louder and more intrusive.

I remember his out pouring and condemning himself in this forum as if it were yesterday. He couldn't believe he had done such a thing. Staying in that vicinity with no hearing protection and not coming down off that ladder had resulted in his whole life being turned upside down. With the benefit of hindsight one is often able to see mistakes that could have been easily avoided if they only knew. In his own words life as he once new it was completely over. Married with two young children he enjoyed regularly going out with the family but all that came to an abrupt end. I and other forum members tried to make Marcus look at the positive things in his life and not to give up hope but little of this was having any impact. The walls of negativity that he had built up to surround himself were just too great and it seemed no amount of good advice was able to get through.

His symptoms will be familiar to those that have suffered noise trauma to their auditory system. Intrusive tinnitus with hyperacusis, that can vary considerably especially in the early onset of the conditions. I understood his distress at not being able to enjoy listening to music even as a form of distraction from the noise. Everything sounded distorted to him as if it is coming out of a broken speaker and his ears would hurt when certain sounds were heard. His appointment at ENT was some time away which is often the case when tinnitus is not accompanied by dizziness, balance problems and impaired hearing or continuous pain in the ears.

Contrary to what some believe, the best treatment for tinnitus in the early stages and when there are no additional symptoms, as mentioned above is to leave it alone. The ears and auditory system are very delicate and often right themselves when left alone. Many people habituate to tinnitus within the first six months sometimes a little longer and the condition has been known to go away completely. Marcus had taken time of work, as he just wasn't in a good place and couldn't function properly. One good thing is that he was under the care of his GP and taking medication to help cope with his moods. Tinnitus can be such an emotional roller coaster in the early days so often no two days are the same. An antidepressant often helps a person from becoming too down so acts as a safety net when those low points arrive.

Marcus became a frequent visitor to this forum and I believe it helped him, although his outlook on recovery was quite bleak and negative. Perhaps knowing there were people around him in this virtual world of cyberspace, gave him the support and sanctuary that he needed to vent his frustrations which at times I believe were overwhelming. I hadn't seen him for quite a while but got an acknowledgement from him recently by private messenger. I have omitted my comments.

It changes a lot over time doesn't it. Not just one's perception of it but the tone itself.
For me it ranges from a jet engine noise to hum, I used to hear it all the time but now I only hear it in silence.

Just past the 1 year mark for me. Feeling much better now. It sure does take time.
How's things with you? I really appreciate the help and advice you have offered to me over this time, and the help from other people in the forum.

It's a terrible condition. I did go too see Guns n Roses last weekend at Slane castle. Used professional ear plugs, was a great show and no negative consequences apart from a crazy two day hangover lol

The fact the concert was outdoors made it possible, it still peeked at over 115db at times.
I still haven't been seen at ent yet, did bother chasing up the appointment. No point really. I will take your advice and chase up ent and see if I can get an appointment. Just to do the tests.

Yes, I'm much much better now, I was in a very dark place. It was a terrible time. Things have improved, the distortion in music has gone and things sound normal again. I can even setup an eq system hear the different frequencies, when I first suffered this I couldn't hear bass, everything sounded flat, really was a bad time, I'm surprised I survived it to be honest.

I now have a new appreciation for sound and music. I just wish I understood this before. I still have slight balance issues but mostly I am happy my hearing has improved, It is very difficult too accept when it happens as I am sure you know.
I will always use hearing protection at loud events, concerts etc. The guns n roses concert felt fine with my pro plugs in and I noticed many others using plugs too. Good to see.

I'm back at work and able to spend time with my family. Thanks Michael for your advice (even at those times when I didn't believe it)
Marcus
 
#10
Without being overly negative I too did the whole anti depressant route and it had zero effect in helping me. Tinnitus really can be a huge monster.
 
#11
@Allan1967 , as others have said, you are in early early days of a spike. You are still in fight or flight mode. Please believe us when we say it will get better. I was in the exact same spot as you were at the 6 week mark. The thought of death gave me peace so I understand what you are feeling. But I held on. I protected my hearing so it wouldn't get worse. And as time went by, about 4 months, I suddenly realized I wasn't so agitated by the ringing anymore. I don't know why but I just wasn't. I was very surprised by it because I was so certain that I could never live with this for years to come. But I was wrong. Oh so very wrong. Habituation is real. Its not some made up term. It's a physiological change in your brain. Your brain will change on its own. You just have to give your brain time to do its thing. The body seeks balance and as you read this, your brain is working towards that right now. Ending your life now would be a permeant solution to a temporary problem. So please just hang on and know that you will feel differently in the coming months. You've got a great support system. You have your family and you have us. You are not alone. We understand what you are going thru. Many of use have experienced it. So believe us that it will get better. Habituation is usually between 3-6 months. You're 6 weeks in. So you need at least another month and a half to see any possible change. If you don't feel any better at 6 months then let's talk about other options like stem cells.
 
#12
@Allan1967 I'm truly sorry Allan. For you, for me, for all of us who suffer horribly from this earthbound hell.

Don't let the 'coping' bullshit deceive you. Many many people, like me, are pushed to the fringes of society by this monstrous disease. Our lives decimated.

Devoid of self esteem and feeling absolutely broken, over the course of the last year I completely isolated myself from those I love to make the decision to exit this world easier. I even secured a painless method of bringing about my own demise in under a minute.

.......But I didn't factor in the deep bond with my dog that I cannot sever.

So here I am! A man of nearly 40 suffering hell for a bloody dog. I endure horrible living and working conditions and this lonely torture day and night, until his soul has had enough of this world.

Maybe he'll do me a favour and die next week....maybe it will be five years from now.

Maybe a cure will be found in the interim? Or perhaps by some miracle the noise will lessen? If not I will hold his dead body in my arms with a clear conscience that I never abandoned him and I will take my final drink. We will die together.

My point?.....

You have a family Allen...... I suffer for a scrappy crossbreed terrier that nobody else wanted. He doesn't have a single drop of my blood or genes in him. Half the time he's a moody little c**t. He only loves me because I feed him, walk him and let him sleep in my bed.

For now try and focus on suffering for your wife and kids. They love you. As you know your life will still be shit, day after day a miserable tormented slog that nobody else understands or even cares less about.

But you can take pride in knowing that you are expressing the ultimate love for your family and perhaps you can take some small crumb of comfort from that.......And maybe, just maybe, a miracle will happen.
 
#13
Allan1967 said:
Today I am torn apart. I have a beautiful strong wife and 3 children that I love dearly.

I want to end this waking nightmare but I know I will leave behind a trail of devastation that will stay with them for all their lives.

I am torn between ending my nightmare and knowing I will condemn my family to the start of theirs.
Click to expand...

Allan, the early days of tinnitus getting louder are by far the hardest to deal with, and at the same time, there's still every chance it's temporary and may go back to baseline.

Like you, I've had tinnitus for a long time. I was about 18/19 when I got it permanently, but in 2015 I went to lots of gigs and two days after one really loud one my T went crazy. It's been the same ever since. I was climbing the walls like you are now and I became depressed and anxious. I remember it so vividly.

Time is your friend on this one, so don't make any hasty decisions that you cannot reverse. I say this a lot, but you have no idea how you'll feel in two, three, or five years time, etc. In five years you may look back on this event with a lot of clarity and great happiness in your heart. There was a time when I was 19 when I felt every bit as desperate as you for another reason (I had a failed surgery). I lay in my hospital bed absolutely desperate to die and this feeling didn't leave. I now know looking back that this would have been the wrong decision, but I wouldn't be around now to realise that.

Take a vacation, exercise, and keep yourself distracted. Force yourself if you have to. Try not to sit and read about tinnitus all day because it will take over your life and make you obsessed with it.

Your family and friends love you, and we have great respect for you in the online community. Give yourself more time.
 
#14
Allan1967 said:
Today I am torn apart. I have a beautiful strong wife and 3 children that I love dearly.

I want to end this waking nightmare but I know I will leave behind a trail of devastation that will stay with them for all their lives.

I am torn between ending my nightmare and knowing I will condemn my family to the start of theirs.
Click to expand...

Now is 3.21am our time. Just woke up and found an alert by @Samantha R on this thread and I feel I can put off my sleep a bit because of seeing your desperate post in the depth of your suffering. Sleep can wait while trying to save someone from...

I also read through the posts by other members. They have given you excellent advice. Please believe in their kind advice. Things can get better, both in the intensity of T and your perception of it. It has happened so often for others. The success stories are full of such example. You can be one of them if you will just hang in there and wait out the initial sufferings.

I was in probably worse shape back then when I was hit by my ultra high pitched T and then severe hyperacusis as I have been a victim of PTSD plus anxiety and panic disorder prior to being hit by T & H suddenly. So my sufferings were immensely unbearable and I was in a mess. Like others, I understand how you feel as most of us had been where you are, including the dreaded dark thoughts of ending it all. It was a total nightmare. So you are just being normal feeling this way.

I am glad I didn't do the unthinkable, the one way ticket of no return. I watched some youtube videos of people with near death experience from suicide and their stories were enough for me to decide I will stay put and fight my dreaded foes of both T & H while I am alive, heaven or hell, and I am glad I did. For today I live a normal, happy, productive and absolutely enjoyable life. I couldn't believe this would be possible when I was at the depth of my sufferings. But like many others who have endured the initial sufferings, we have been able to live our good life again after some time.

I share with you my success story in which I also share many helpful strategies to help me turn around. Give it time. It is your precious life. Like @Bam says above, fight for your lovely family if nothing else. At my worst time, I just said I would donate my body for their sake and take on any sufferings. I hope you will find strength and determination to soldier on. 6 week s is still a relatively short time. Give yourself and your body TIME to heal. God bless.

my story:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/
 
#15
One thing very important (but not very believable by new T suffers) is this, that our perception of T will change over time, and likewise our ability to face T ringing may also change or improve over time. You can read about such change of perception all over the success stories. Another thing is that, particularly with acoustic trauma, the intensity of T ringing and its perceived loudness will tend to fade or settle to a more tolerable level over time as the body can heal slowly and naturally.

Here is just one illustration of how desperate some new members were initially, a desperate post from Neenie who, like you, initially insisted on silence or else... But as it turns out, she changes her perception of T over time, from suicidal suffering to not caring a dime about T and even questioning why the fuss about silence. LOL.

When Neenie first posted here, she was so very desperate and panicky, depressed and questioning the value of living on with her severe T. She started a thread 'Tinnitus has taken my life away':

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-has-taken-my-life-away.2737/

after a while, more desperation post about T not improving and not habituating, and crying over T:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/why-wont-i-habituate.2785/
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/always-crying.3251/
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/the-nature-of-habituation.3303/page-2#post-32375

Now after some time, the subtle change in perception and tone about her T:
Mental illness and tinnitus

And her triumphant post over her T in a Christmas message.
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/merry-xmas-members.7343/

So Allan, I hope you will hang in there and don't despair, knowing that in months, a year or two, you will be back to normal like many of us who have been there. Believe me. We know what we are talking as we are those who have done the battle and have walked our talk. Don't give up easily. Life is precious and your family is worth all the fight and the patience to wait this out. Take good care. God bless.

Now I can go back to sleep.
 
#16
Sorry your spike hasn't calmed down yet. You need to speak with your wife, doctor, sammaratins and a mental health charity. At the same time, look online for coping strategies. Perhaps buy a book on Amazon on tinnitus cbt.
 
#19
@Allan1967, listen to @billie48 because he has been through the worst kind of trauma any human can suffer, and if he can come through that, plus tinnitus, I'd listen to the man. His story will bring you to tears. He was also the very first person to speak to me when I was panicking, so I feel blessed to have had such a kind person reach out to me in my time of need. It's something I'll never forget.

Many of us know how you are feeling, but you must try and distract yourself by doing other things. @Jazzer has his meditation and his loving family; I have my family and my music amongst other things. @Bam has his dog, and I feel by the time his dog passes, he will have found a piece of himself again. Maybe that's why his dog was put on this Earth. I have a personal story of my own - which I won't tell now (it's on here somewhere) - that is very spiritual and touching in a similar way.

We all have a reason to be here and it's not to be finished off by tinnitus. What you see is a mountain in front of you, but your spirit is too low to contemplate that you may have to climb it. We all have struggles in life; nobody can escape them whether rich or poor, it makes no difference. I saw a quote on Facebook this morning which read:

'These mountains you are carrying, you were only meant to climb'

I know it can be beyond hell to bear; the suffering is real. I won't demean it because I too have felt it, and it's devastating. However, put it out of your mind and move forwards by taking tiny steps. Each step will move you towards the light and a step further away from making tinnitus your god. A life without a goal or an aim is even harder because we all need a reason to get out of bed in the morning, no matter how small that reason is. Give yourself something new to do that may bring a spark back to your life and take the focus away from the tinnitus. Believe in yourself and try not to worry about what will be.
 
#21
Ecip said:
I dunno man, I'd consider chatting with my family doctor for some Klonopin or something... to take the edge off. NOT for continued use, just for when it's shit.
Click to expand...

Dangerous though when you have an addictive personality.

I went down this road early on. It was f***ing lovely! Oooh i'll just have a nice Valium for breakfast, maybe two or three for lunch and oh f*** it i'll have another three for dinner!

Needless to say this saga ended up with me slumped in my car after an overdose en route to chucking myself off Beachy Head because the endless pills and booze had buried me deeper in a pit of self hatred and despair. I didn't recognise myself or even care about my dog anymore because I was a f***ing junkie hell bent on recklessly destroying myself.

Allan by all accounts with his smoking has a sensitive, addictive personality. Like @Jazzer I firmly believe hardcore drugs are not the way out of this hell. They are naughty little f***ers that lure you in and have a depressive rebound effect.

I still drink in the evening but I offset the depression it causes with a ton of exercise and busy activity in the day.

Where I was previously in free fall I have essentially stabilised my misery because as @Ed209 points out I have established something to soldier on for.

Corny as hell. But you need to love someone or something enough to suffer the most insane torment this world has to offer.
 
#22
Bam said:
Dangerous though when you have an addictive personality.

I went down this road early on. It was f***ing lovely! Oooh i'll just have a nice Valium for breakfast, maybe two or three for lunch and oh f*** it i'll have another three for dinner!

Needless to say this saga ended up with me slumped in my car after an overdose en route to chucking myself off Beachy Head because the endless pills and booze had buried me deeper in a pit of self hatred and despair. I didn't recognise myself or even care about my dog anymore because I was a f***ing junkie hell bent on recklessly destroying myself.

Allan by all accounts with his smoking has a sensitive, addictive personality. Like @Jazzer I firmly believe hardcore drugs are not the way out of this hell. They are naughty little f***ers that lure you in and have a depressive rebound effect.

I still drink in the evening but I offset the depression it causes with a ton of exercise and busy activity in the day.

Where I was previously in free fall I have essentially stabilised my misery because as @Ed209 points out I have established something to soldier on for.

Corny as hell. But you need to love someone or something enough to suffer the most insane torment this world has to offer.
Click to expand...

Bam, sorry dude, but I couldn't quite make out what all those words were that started with f. You put a load of asterisks in there by mistake.
 
#23
Allan1967 said:
Thank you for all the kind responses, support and time you taken have my brothers and sisters.
Click to expand...

Another thing that keeps me going is the dream that one day we will all be cured and will meet up like survivors of some long brutal war.

We won't even have to say anything.....We will all just know.

Stay strong Allen.
 
#24
Ed209 said:
Bam, sorry dude, but I couldn't quite make out what all those words were that started with f. You put a load of asterisks in there by mistake.
Click to expand...

I reserve writing the entire word for my really hot tempered moments Ed.
 
#25
Bam said:
Another thing that keeps me going is the dream that one day we will all be cured and will meet up like survivors of some long brutal war.

We won't even have to say anything.....We will all just know.

Stay strong Allen.
Click to expand...
I am one of those kinds of people who don't hold on well to forlorn hope. No way I can see a cure coming. Not in a month of Sundays.
 
#26
Bam said:
Another thing that keeps me going is the dream that one day we will all be cured and will meet up like survivors of some long brutal war.

We won't even have to say anything.....We will all just know.

Stay strong Allen.
Click to expand...
It will be one long silent group hug.
 
#27
Bam said:
Corny as hell. But you need to love someone or something enough to suffer the most insane torment this world has to offer.
Click to expand...

Bam is right - nailed it as he usually does.

My world was all music - my sound and my talent spoke for themselves.
Now I live with interminable noise inside my head.
The thing is that I love so deeply,
and inturn I am deeply loved.
My beautiful wife, children, grandchildren, pussycats.....my beautiful family.
I dedicate my existence to them all with love.
I feel so much love for all of us who suffer,
Dave x
Jazzer
 
#28
Allan,
I just wanted to write to you since I can relate. I have had mild tinnitus for about 7 years and it didn't take me long to habituate to it. About ten weeks ago I woke up with a major spike. I am still trying to figure out where it has come from. It could be stress (girlfriend and I have had some tough times), TMJ, or back issues. I went to an ENT and he basically told me to take some Lipoflavinoids.

I've thought about suicide recently because people just don't really understand what you are going through. The more I thought about it that isn't the answer. Like you, I have way too much to live for. It is a vicious cycle. We probably all have become so fixated on it that we increase our stress and actually make it worse or perceived worse. As others have said keep on plugging. You have a lot of people that care for you and need you in their lives. Spend time with them and doing activities. It will help. Also, remember antidepressants can take several weeks to even start working.

Finally, after all these years it seems there is finally some light at the end of the tunnel for some relief for all of us. If you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me.
 
#29
Allan1967 said:
Today I am torn apart. I have a beautiful strong wife and 3 children that I love dearly.

I want to end this waking nightmare but I know I will leave behind a trail of devastation that will stay with them for all their lives.

I am torn between ending my nightmare and knowing I will condemn my family to the start of theirs.
Click to expand...
I know how you feel. This does feel like a waking nightmare sometimes. I love my dad so much and I know how much it would affect him if I ended it. I hope you keep holding on. Just try to get through this day for now. Can you mask your tinnitus?
 
#30
jmasterj said:
Allan,
I just wanted to write to you since I can relate. I have had mild tinnitus for about 7 years and it didn't take me long to habituate to it. About ten weeks ago I woke up with a major spike. I am still trying to figure out where it has come from. It could be stress (girlfriend and I have had some tough times), TMJ, or back issues. I went to an ENT and he basically told me to take some Lipoflavinoids.

I've thought about suicide recently because people just don't really understand what you are going through. The more I thought about it that isn't the answer. Like you, I have way too much to live for. It is a vicious cycle. We probably all have become so fixated on it that we increase our stress and actually make it worse or perceived worse. As others have said keep on plugging. You have a lot of people that care for you and need you in their lives. Spend time with them and doing activities. It will help. Also, remember antidepressants can take several weeks to even start working.

Finally, after all these years it seems there is finally some light at the end of the tunnel for some relief for all of us. If you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me.
Click to expand...
Thank you
 

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