I'm a 21 year old college student. Before tinnitus, I struggled with anxiety, panic disorder, depression, and OCD. Last semester, I got the worst cold of my life. My boyfriend had it, too, but his experience was much different than my own. He got an ear infection, but no tinnitus. I got two, and very loud tinnitus. When I first woke up with the ear infections in early October of last year, my hearing was warped and strange. I went to the doctor, who cleaned out an ear because he couldn't see into it (which hurt, although I don't think this caused the tinnitus), and told me I had an ear infection (he didn't check the other ear, butI knew I had an ear infection there as well). My tinnitus didn't come until after that appointment, and it was a very loud, mid tone ringing that scared the hell out of me. I of course looked it up on the internet immediately and saw stories about tinnitus being incurable and never going away. This didn't help much. I cried constantly, panicked.
That weekend, I rushed home, and my parents got me into see an ENT doctor very quickly. The doctor looked in my ears and saw fluid in both. He told me my tinnitus would go away, and that I was lucky, he couldn't tell most people that. Many people came in with no obvious cause, and he could offer them no comfort or advice. I think it made him really happy to be able to give a patient a reason it was there. I was so comforted. And sure enough the doctor was correct. The fluid drained away, and with it, my tinnitus went, for the most part. I could still hear a very high pitched, vague noise that seemed to come from my head rather than my ears. It didn't bother me one bit, because to me, it was just a step on the way to the tinnitus going away. For weeks, I felt happy again. I had a couple recurrences with the ear infections - every time, fluid, then loud ringing, that eventually went away when the fluid did.
After this occurrence, my winter break came around. I spent the break relatively happy. I had panic attacks/anxiety because I always have my whole life, but it wasn't about the T. The T was quiet, easy to cancel out. When I first had the T, I'd given up thoughts of a happy life in the future, now, I didn't feel that way.
But then, at the end of the break, I noticed I still had T. I went back to school and visited home for a weekend when my dog fell very ill and had to be put to sleep, that I noticed for the first time how loud and grading the T could get when it wanted to. I loved my dog very much - to me, he was my son, and maybe the trauma of that really brought it to a head. That night, it was like the sound of a knife coming out of a sheath, and couldn't really be masked, because it was so high pitched. I dealt with it for about a week, but the following weekend, I cried and cried and cried. My life felt over. I'd already wondered, could I be happy, have a career, get married, have babies, being like I was - with a host of mental health disorders. Now, with this added to the mix - I don't feel like I'll ever be happy again. I didn't even know this existed.
The part that's so strange about it is I could ignore it before. And I don't even think it's really changed since then - I've obsessed over it, wondered if there's multiple tones of it, but I don't think there is. I think part of it is just the normal noises that are in your ear, little bits of white noise. But I'm obsessed over the high, crackly tone that appears to be in my head rather than my ears. I think about it all the time. It sucks knowing that just a month ago, I had this noise in my ears, but I was happy regardless - my life wasn't much affected. My tinnitus isn't so loud, isn't so awful - yet it colors every moment in my life now. With it being in my head and not my ears, it's really hard to cover up. Sometimes, I think I'm imagining things, making it worse. Now, it consumes me. I figure with OCD and panic disorder already, how do I habituate?
The worst part is - I have a few friends who have tinnitus. They don't care, they haven't cried once about it, or had a single panic attack. I had a friend who walked in on a conversation we were having about tinnitus. She asked what it was, and when I told her, she said "Oh, I have that." she had it all the time, sometimes louder than others. She hadn't even been bothered by it enough to look up what it was called. I also have a memory of being a little girl, playing on the computer, and noticing that I heard ringing (maybe i had an ear infection?). I told my mom, "Mommy, have you ever noticed that quiet isn't really quiet, that there's actually ringing?" and she agreed with me, probably so I wouldn't be bothered. I wasn't, I thought i had discovered something cool. I just didn't care.
That weekend, I rushed home, and my parents got me into see an ENT doctor very quickly. The doctor looked in my ears and saw fluid in both. He told me my tinnitus would go away, and that I was lucky, he couldn't tell most people that. Many people came in with no obvious cause, and he could offer them no comfort or advice. I think it made him really happy to be able to give a patient a reason it was there. I was so comforted. And sure enough the doctor was correct. The fluid drained away, and with it, my tinnitus went, for the most part. I could still hear a very high pitched, vague noise that seemed to come from my head rather than my ears. It didn't bother me one bit, because to me, it was just a step on the way to the tinnitus going away. For weeks, I felt happy again. I had a couple recurrences with the ear infections - every time, fluid, then loud ringing, that eventually went away when the fluid did.
After this occurrence, my winter break came around. I spent the break relatively happy. I had panic attacks/anxiety because I always have my whole life, but it wasn't about the T. The T was quiet, easy to cancel out. When I first had the T, I'd given up thoughts of a happy life in the future, now, I didn't feel that way.
But then, at the end of the break, I noticed I still had T. I went back to school and visited home for a weekend when my dog fell very ill and had to be put to sleep, that I noticed for the first time how loud and grading the T could get when it wanted to. I loved my dog very much - to me, he was my son, and maybe the trauma of that really brought it to a head. That night, it was like the sound of a knife coming out of a sheath, and couldn't really be masked, because it was so high pitched. I dealt with it for about a week, but the following weekend, I cried and cried and cried. My life felt over. I'd already wondered, could I be happy, have a career, get married, have babies, being like I was - with a host of mental health disorders. Now, with this added to the mix - I don't feel like I'll ever be happy again. I didn't even know this existed.
The part that's so strange about it is I could ignore it before. And I don't even think it's really changed since then - I've obsessed over it, wondered if there's multiple tones of it, but I don't think there is. I think part of it is just the normal noises that are in your ear, little bits of white noise. But I'm obsessed over the high, crackly tone that appears to be in my head rather than my ears. I think about it all the time. It sucks knowing that just a month ago, I had this noise in my ears, but I was happy regardless - my life wasn't much affected. My tinnitus isn't so loud, isn't so awful - yet it colors every moment in my life now. With it being in my head and not my ears, it's really hard to cover up. Sometimes, I think I'm imagining things, making it worse. Now, it consumes me. I figure with OCD and panic disorder already, how do I habituate?
The worst part is - I have a few friends who have tinnitus. They don't care, they haven't cried once about it, or had a single panic attack. I had a friend who walked in on a conversation we were having about tinnitus. She asked what it was, and when I told her, she said "Oh, I have that." she had it all the time, sometimes louder than others. She hadn't even been bothered by it enough to look up what it was called. I also have a memory of being a little girl, playing on the computer, and noticing that I heard ringing (maybe i had an ear infection?). I told my mom, "Mommy, have you ever noticed that quiet isn't really quiet, that there's actually ringing?" and she agreed with me, probably so I wouldn't be bothered. I wasn't, I thought i had discovered something cool. I just didn't care.
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