Trigger Warning: My Friend's Husband Killed Her and Himself Because of His Severe Tinnitus

Hello, it's been a while since I have posted on Tinnitus Talk. I started here with severe tinnitus in 2020.

A family friend of 35 years was killed this week by her husband who was suffering from severe tinnitus for a year, and then he killed himself. She was 46 and he was 50. We found out Wednesday that they had both been deceased in their home possibly for 3 days. He stabbed and strangled her, then hung himself. I just found out today the cause of death. The ME report lists "other significant conditions" as "tinnitus and insomnia" for him.

The relationship dynamic was unusual, but she was friends with my sister since 3rd grade. We all hung out together all the time, camping trips, sleepovers, etc. My mom became like her 2nd mom and they talked weekly. My mom and sis went to their wedding and vacation together. Her husband was Dutch and very sweet, kind, gentle and caring to her. They were VERY devoted to each other and married probably 10 years? He developed tinnitus last year from the COVID-19 vaccine and then worsened after COVID-19 infection. Mom talked to him and her weekly and would pass along what I've done/tried for 2 years. I said at one point "just have him call me"! She said, no, he won't do that, he's too private to talk much about this to anyone. They were wealthy and lived in a $4M home in CA and spent maybe close to $40k on tests and treatments for him. He did everything from supplements, acupuncture, TMS, Ketamine, TMJ treatments and more.

I know I/we have all dealt with the whole suicidal ideation here! I did very badly for a year (sometimes still do), but I never thought anything like this would happen. From what I understand, they never fought until the last 3 months when when he got bad due to his severe tinnitus and insomnia. I guess he maybe just snapped in an argument? I don't know. We'll never know.

I almost want to reach out to whatever news organization there are in CA and let them know THIS is what tinnitus can do. It's not "he had depression and went crazy, etc" which we all know the news will report in the murder-suicide headline, not telling the full story.

I just wanted to let this out a bit and let our community here know.

I know Kent Taylor, CEO of Texas Roadhouse, was a headline nationally and let people know about tinnitus.

I want to respect my friend's family about her brutal death BUT I also wish the media would get the story out to help us and see that we desperately need treatments and cures, because it IS severely disabling and can drive people to insanity. Now that COVID-19 vaccine and COVID-19 infection are known to cause tinnitus, people need to know more about it.

Thank you for listening.

 

Do you have a link to the news article? I'd like to read it even if it doesn't mention tinnitus.

I can't feel much sympathy for the husband. No matter what happened here, taking his wife's life is inexcusable. I hope he rots in hell.

 

@LostinTX, thanks so much for this concise and succinct narration; the horrifying totality of it is overwhelming.

Where are we if $40,000.00 apparently did not make enough difference to have prevented this?

The only benefit regarding the realization that COVID-19 will cause such severe neurological damage is that the dire need for research can no longer be delayed.

A while back @carlover, I believe, submitted a British News Report that a plumber in his early 40's had severe tinnitus and was driven to kill his girlfriend and then himself.

 

Not much is out media wise yet. Here is the link for the one my sister found:

Jennifer Cobb EY found dead following murder-suicide in San Jose (snbc13.com)

Here is the ME report showing cause of death and mentions his tinnitus as a "other significant condition", reports 23-00639 and 23-00640, date of death 2-15-23, although I think it will be updated since that was the date found:

Medical Examiner-Coroner, Full dataset | County of Santa Clara (sccgov.org)

Thank you. Yes, it has been horrifying and unbelievable.

I sat with her mother yesterday with my mom and sister. My mom brought up my severe tinnitus (which has calmed a lot thankfully, but of course I'm spiking now typing this, smh). I explained severe tinnitus to her and she, like many others, did not know how horrific it can be. But, she was thankful I was able to give her some insight and how it affected him. Of course, not defending his actions in any way whatsoever!

Today was really difficult though, as the past day or two we did not know the causes of death and we all assumed it was a shooting, thinking maybe she didn't see it coming or it was quick. This was a far more horrific event than we could have imagined.

 

I wonder if the recent news from Frequency Theraputics affected the timing of this tragedy?

 

I’m 29 years old, and suicide did not compute with me before tinnitus. Even the first couple years of mild to moderate tinnitus I would have never dreamed of it. Now it’s progressed so bad along with severe hyperacusis that I have to battle everyday to fight that urge off. It’s not a mental disorder, it’s physical agony at this point. I love everything else about my life. My family and friends are what keep me fighting. But yes, tinnitus can and does get that bad for a subset of sufferers, and we should be screaming from the roofs to let research and funding institutions be aware. This condition is brutal, agonizing constant torture when it gets to this point. Do all the TRT, meditation, breathing, etc. while you can, but at this level there’s no real relief. We are in dire need of a real treatment for these cases, what exists is not good enough. The mild cases will appreciate it greatly too!

 

@LostinTX, that is horrible. I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how nerve-wracking it was for all of you to sit down together and talk about the severity of tinnitus and the toll it can take on mental health.

It would be nice for the media to put a spotlight on this issue, but in a way that is fair and truthful, not sensational.

I wonder if the American Tinnitus Association has any employees who are keeping track of the number of suicides and murders committed by people with tinnitus or hyperacusis? Perhaps if you contacted them, they can make a note of this news story and eventually come out with a media campaign that brings more attention to the subject, and in a way that is sensitive to patients and unlikely to cause fear or paranoia in the general public.

The condition we suffer from deserves more sympathetic understanding and more research funding.

 

Man, stuff like this needs to be in the media, action needs to be had. Like holy shit, how many people need to suffer until something is done? I hate to say this but since more people have been getting tinnitus after the COVID-19 vaccine and infection, I hope more and more research goes into this (I hate to say it because more people shouldn't have to suffer for more research to be done'.)

I think most people wouldn't even want a cure, just a treatment to help reduce the tinnitus loudness by 25%-50% and be able to function normally, which would be as good as a cure.

 

$40,000 was not enough. With all the charlatans out there who were more than happy to take his $$ with nothing in return, it does once again prove that TRT & CBT snake oil does not work in many cases. All we need now is Cowan Snake (Julian Cowan Hill) or Doogie (Ben Thompson) to make a video stating that if he would have come to them, all of this could have been avoided.

Truly sorry for your loss.

 

I asked this thread to be put back up again. I had previously asked for it to be hidden because the brother of the husband was upset, although I originally released no information on who they were. Well, my sister was listed as executor on the will and they lied and withheld that information for over 6 months. At court, he said that my post here was a "conflict of interest" and they appointed another executor. Excuse me, how? I basically laid out that he killed her from psychosis caused by tinnitus, a medical condition that is horrendous, like torture. I have it and suffered psychosis myself from the more of than year of insomnia!

Anyway - tinnitus is fucking torture and needs a cure, that was my point.

Trying to stay strong myself and wait for Susan Shore's device which hopefully works.

We will not be silenced. I'll scream to the rooftops how horrendous tinnitus is for people affected. Thousands and thousands have it after COVID-19 and the vaccinations.

 

That's horrible, thank you for posting. One can only wonder what happened. His case must have been truly bad. I'm curious, how much time passed since the onset to the tragic ending?

I have severe tinnitus (and moderate hyperacusis, but it is debilitating enough with misophonia) and I suffer greatly, but at least I can sleep fairly well. That keeps me sane enough, I suppose. I want to end it - something I could not imagine would ever happen to me before this (never was depressed or anything like that). I still cannot imagine hurting someone, and especially not a loved partner (though I sometimes get the urge to hurt people making crazy loud unreasonable noises, like with obscenely loud trucks or bikes).

It is horrifying to learn what tinnitus, brain damage really, can lead to.

 

I believe it was about 6 months that it was severe. My sister spoke with her friend and she said he would come into her office when she was trying to work and on video calls and he would cry and say it was like "he had a circus in his head".

He did everything including expensive TMS therapy, Ketamine, you name it.

I had the severe insomnia like he had for a good 18 months or more. I was out of my mind, a zombie everyday with huge black circles under my eyes and crying. I would tell my sister and mom that I was done and couldn't live like this with no sleep and was going to go downtown and get a "hot shot" here wherever I could (aka pick up heroin laced with fentanyl as it's killed many here).

After getting my sleep under control I began to cope better. I feel like he snapped from the insomnia. That's why it's listed on the ME report as co-factors "tinnitus and insomnia."

 

You will find a lot more healing if you don't blame the tinnitus for him being a murdering POS.

Millions of people have tinnitus and do not murder people over it. He was clearly extremely deranged and a revolting, vile person.

 

Mighty judgemental there, ain't ya? Tinnitus and the resulting insomnia DID cause this man to do what he did, according to the @LostinTX's story. I'm sorry if those facts don't make you feel all warm and cuddly... but it is what it is.

 

I'm sorry but it's complete lunacy to assume that tinnitus would make someone violently murder another person, then hang themselves in one fell swoop. That's mental illness and serious psychopathy.

I'm a little surprised people are pushing this notion that it's normal / expected for someone with a bit of ringing in their ear to be a cold-blooded murderer when so many people on here have it and would never do such a thing.

 

In case you are in denial about the realities of severe tinnitus, it CAN and DOES cause/exacerbate mental illness! Have you not read any of the posts where people tell their stories of being admitted to mental institutions? Of people having nervous breakdowns over the incessant ringing in their ears/heads? Tinnitus and insomnia make one LESS healthy... physically, mentally, emotionally.

Maybe his wife belittled his suffering. Maybe she gaslit him. Maybe she was cheating on him. Maybe she told him she was leaving, as she'd had enough of hearing about the invisible/unverifiable sounds in his head. We'll probably never know. My point is this: even "good" people can snap. The straw that broke the otherwise "good" camel's back.

Until you walked in that man's shoes, go easy on calling him a "revolting, vile person". You weren't there. You didn't personally know him or his wife. You simply don't know... so don't judge. Someday you could find yourself in a hellish existence, like that man obviously was. Nobody knows how they'd react until they themselves are actually in that experience.

 

How dare you! Why are you here? A 'little' ringing in your ear?

I'm afraid you have no idea. Take your autistic 'mine is the same as everyone's tinnitus' attitude and get the hell out of here.

Yes, I do not condone murder, nor do I condone your condescending attitude.

Be gone!

 

You'd be surprised how easily somebody's sanity can be broken. Severe, unmaskable tinnitus mixed with lack of sleep can really mess with a person's head. Once somebody is pushed over the edge, they are capable of just about anything they wouldn't normally have done. The whole situation is very sad for all parties involved.

 

Um, not sure what healing you think I'm looking for about this event? You have a serious lack of understanding regarding severe tinnitus and resulting insomnia and psychosis.

Not that I need to explain anything to you, but he was actually a very kind, caring person and very devoted to his wife of 14 years. Not a vile person in the least bit! They never even fought. But dealing with this, he would cry uncontrollably in her office and told her "it's like there is a circus inside my head". It was SEVERE. He hadn't slept in weeks and again, if you aren't aware - not sleeping for long periods break people and they disconnect from reality, hallucinate and aren't aware of what they're doing or even their surroundings.

Go read the definition of psychosis and then GTFO this thread as @Nick47 said.

 

Tinnitus won't, but lack of sleep from it will. I've experienced a few psychotic episodes myself from lack of sleep. It's a known fact that severe insomnia will affect you and the way you think and cope with things. Even if you sleep 3-4 hours a night for a few weeks, you will be suffering.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. Not talking about the man you knew, but reading this story made me think, when you hear stories from centuries ago (or honestly, even only decades ago) about people being possessed, hearing the devil in their head, many ailments before people understood mental illness, how many times tinnitus could have been a factor. Like you said, I feel like tinnitus takes any underlying mental health conditions you might have had, plugs them into an amp and cranks the volume all the way up. I never thought I had anxiety or depression before tinnitus, but the seeds were probably there all along.

 

I never had anxiety problems before tinnitus. Severe tinnitus can cause completely new problems. Not surprised to hear about @LostinTX's story.

 

Tinnitus and insomnia can drive one mad on top of being constantly dismissed by family, friends, medical professionals and even other tinnitus sufferers. Not being able to save your own life from ruin, not to mention the higher you are, the further the fall from grace (e.g., Texas Roadhouse founder.)

Grasping onto what little you have left until you can't... it's no excuse for murder, but it's not surprising to see.

It's so sad that suicide is many times the only "solution" left for tinnitus sufferers. I hope for a world where that isn't the only answer for some.

 

Unfortunately, this is not the first time this has happened. I recall a story from maybe five or six years ago, when tinnitus was a foreign word to me, of the same thing happening with a young couple in the U.K.

 

I completely agree @RunningMan. I'm embarrassed to say I was always a little sceptical of mental health issues and those with severe anxiety. If there's one thing my worsening has done that's a positive, is a newfound understanding and care for those with severe anxiety or depression. You might say karma caught up with me...

 

Sort of the same. I could never really relate even if I saw it in my parent. Chalked it up to old age and loneliness, but also "issues". Felt completely immune. Little did I know.

 

You give yourself away with “a little bit of ringing...” People who have excruciating, tortuous, debilitatingly severe tinnitus are not experiencing a “little bit of ringing”. Would you characterize Parkinson’s as a little bit of shaking or debilitating migraines as a little headache?

So dismissive and belittling. People need their real suffering to be believed and the desperate need for a real treatment/cure to be realized.

 

I had depression prior to tinnitus. However, when my tinnitus got worse in 2022 along with pain to external sound, it caused almost complete isolation for a year. That isolation caused severe anxiety and paranoid delusions.

The fallout has been immense!

 

Okay, nobody should harm another person due to their medical conditions but you come off horribly arrogant. “A bit of ringing in the ear.” Never once have I ever thought about hurting another person because of my severe tinnitus and catastrophic noxacusis, but you come on the wrong place to downplay this hearing stuff.

Agreed, like what the heck.

 

Suicide, yes I can see in severe cases of tinnitus and hyperacusis; but murdering someone else? Yeah, there's something else going on.