Never has the mind been as sharp as it is now. Every last detail, each action,every single thought. None of them have been ever embedded into the walls of my brain as deep as they are as of now.
It often makes me wonder if they will ever dissipate. I wish they would disappear into the unknown and never return. Why does the brain keep memories associated with negative emotions? They do us nothing but harm. They inhibit our ability to move forward.
Perhaps we are the ones who are insisting on these detrimental flashbacks to stay within us. We might be doing every single thing we shouldn't be doing. It is said that thoughts come and go but it is us who decide whether they will stick around or not.
Everything needs fuel to hold. If I could cease to fuel these feelings and thoughts there would be a better chance for them to leave me. Yet they still linger in me. I haven't been able to find a way to successfully terminate these wretched feelings of regret, guilt, shame, blame, despair and pain. They possess nothing but the power to bring you down. These are sad emotions.
I often wonder what would life be like if there was a way to erase these horrid memories. Even if my health isn't to improve, I'd have to be rid of these constant blasts from the past creeping up in my brain. Only then I could finally start moving forward on this journey of life. It wouldn't be the same as it was before but it would lessen the dreadful burden. I have to carry that burden every moment I live.
I cannot seem to forget about all the horrendous acts and unfortunate acts in the past committed either by myself or someone else. They say that the mind is everything. It is supposed to be omnipotent and capable of all you could ever imagine. Become the master of mind and thus be the master of life itself. If that is the truth I mustn't have tried hard enough to succeed on this difficult journey. I either get lost in the dark areas or in the past.
Yesterday never seemed as wondrous. The past is now a magical celestial land. It has never ever appeared as desirable. It now strangely seems that all the problems I thought myself to have during the previous times have literally vanished. Weren't they there in the first place?
I get lost in the events that have long passed. I walk slowly to my cupboard and open a drawer. I find my photo album once more. It rests calmly in my little wooden drawer. Covers somewhat worn off, occasional scratches and dim colours. The object is most dear to me.
I open and observe. All the memories right in front of my eyes. Almost as if they all lived once again. I look into my eyes. I see sparks and shiny tears of joy. Like I was there, in the good old memory. The longer I stare at myself I start to find my eyes becoming dull and melancholic. It is because with each passing moment I slowly return to reality from my lovely memory. A memory I cannot live.
One thing about rough experiences is that they put things into perspective. They make you re-evaluate life. They help you see things around you and inside of you more clearly. You are able to distinguish between meaningless troubles and true issues. You can now appreciate every precious little moment of joy much more sincerely than you used to. However, it is way harder to experience real joy having this terrible condition.
I remember promising myself I would never hurt or let anyone else hurt me. Promises were made but not kept. I let myself and others around me down. My mom always used to hold me in her protective hands and whisper she would keep me from all the possible harm to come. Storms would try to break in but we would conquer them. We would stand strong and carry on.
I try to hide my countless regrets and sorrows. They are lingering deep down in my heart and soul. I have become a physical manifestation of these awful feelings. The embodiment of gloom. I wish something could take away my pain.
This world seems so cruel. I feel lonely in my own very home. How can this be? Where did it all start? I know answers to these questions but I sadly don't know answers to questions to come. How do I proceed from here? What can I do to make myself better?
Dark times are upon me. Happiness is now an illusion, a delusion not attainable. Every time I feel a tiny fragment of happiness it disappears as swiftly as it came. Is this real or does joy still exist, even for me?
Happiness can be found even during the darkest times if one only knows how to turn on the light. There is a slight possibility that even after you've been robbed of everything there yet exists a possibility to make yourself feel better. Maybe it is lying right before us? We just have to find it. Before it is too late.
I want to get out of this deadly cycle and live the dreams that chose me. I am tired of regret. I have grown weary of self-hate and blame. I want to try and do better. Make a better today, a better tomorrow. What am I waiting for?
I cannot make a brand new start in life, nor can I undo the events that have occurred. I might have lost a few battles however the outcome of the war is not yet determined. I must be strong, ride on and carry on through the fire and flames because I can still make a brand new ending.
It often makes me wonder if they will ever dissipate. I wish they would disappear into the unknown and never return. Why does the brain keep memories associated with negative emotions? They do us nothing but harm. They inhibit our ability to move forward.
Perhaps we are the ones who are insisting on these detrimental flashbacks to stay within us. We might be doing every single thing we shouldn't be doing. It is said that thoughts come and go but it is us who decide whether they will stick around or not.
Everything needs fuel to hold. If I could cease to fuel these feelings and thoughts there would be a better chance for them to leave me. Yet they still linger in me. I haven't been able to find a way to successfully terminate these wretched feelings of regret, guilt, shame, blame, despair and pain. They possess nothing but the power to bring you down. These are sad emotions.
I often wonder what would life be like if there was a way to erase these horrid memories. Even if my health isn't to improve, I'd have to be rid of these constant blasts from the past creeping up in my brain. Only then I could finally start moving forward on this journey of life. It wouldn't be the same as it was before but it would lessen the dreadful burden. I have to carry that burden every moment I live.
I cannot seem to forget about all the horrendous acts and unfortunate acts in the past committed either by myself or someone else. They say that the mind is everything. It is supposed to be omnipotent and capable of all you could ever imagine. Become the master of mind and thus be the master of life itself. If that is the truth I mustn't have tried hard enough to succeed on this difficult journey. I either get lost in the dark areas or in the past.
Yesterday never seemed as wondrous. The past is now a magical celestial land. It has never ever appeared as desirable. It now strangely seems that all the problems I thought myself to have during the previous times have literally vanished. Weren't they there in the first place?
I get lost in the events that have long passed. I walk slowly to my cupboard and open a drawer. I find my photo album once more. It rests calmly in my little wooden drawer. Covers somewhat worn off, occasional scratches and dim colours. The object is most dear to me.
I open and observe. All the memories right in front of my eyes. Almost as if they all lived once again. I look into my eyes. I see sparks and shiny tears of joy. Like I was there, in the good old memory. The longer I stare at myself I start to find my eyes becoming dull and melancholic. It is because with each passing moment I slowly return to reality from my lovely memory. A memory I cannot live.
One thing about rough experiences is that they put things into perspective. They make you re-evaluate life. They help you see things around you and inside of you more clearly. You are able to distinguish between meaningless troubles and true issues. You can now appreciate every precious little moment of joy much more sincerely than you used to. However, it is way harder to experience real joy having this terrible condition.
I remember promising myself I would never hurt or let anyone else hurt me. Promises were made but not kept. I let myself and others around me down. My mom always used to hold me in her protective hands and whisper she would keep me from all the possible harm to come. Storms would try to break in but we would conquer them. We would stand strong and carry on.
I try to hide my countless regrets and sorrows. They are lingering deep down in my heart and soul. I have become a physical manifestation of these awful feelings. The embodiment of gloom. I wish something could take away my pain.
This world seems so cruel. I feel lonely in my own very home. How can this be? Where did it all start? I know answers to these questions but I sadly don't know answers to questions to come. How do I proceed from here? What can I do to make myself better?
Dark times are upon me. Happiness is now an illusion, a delusion not attainable. Every time I feel a tiny fragment of happiness it disappears as swiftly as it came. Is this real or does joy still exist, even for me?
Happiness can be found even during the darkest times if one only knows how to turn on the light. There is a slight possibility that even after you've been robbed of everything there yet exists a possibility to make yourself feel better. Maybe it is lying right before us? We just have to find it. Before it is too late.
I want to get out of this deadly cycle and live the dreams that chose me. I am tired of regret. I have grown weary of self-hate and blame. I want to try and do better. Make a better today, a better tomorrow. What am I waiting for?
I cannot make a brand new start in life, nor can I undo the events that have occurred. I might have lost a few battles however the outcome of the war is not yet determined. I must be strong, ride on and carry on through the fire and flames because I can still make a brand new ending.
Member
