When the Darkness Consumes You... Will You Ever Feel Happiness Again?

My intrusive tinnitus is relatively new, I'm about 5 months in. I think I got tinnitus after falling asleep with headphones in. I woke up after a few hours, took them out (no noise at that time), went back to sleep, and woke up with tinnitus. I feel like I'm in a really dark place at the moment. Not only do I think I'm going crazy, I'm actually feeling quite suicidal. I fantasise about it daily now. I find myself saying, "at least death is an escape, it's a way out". I'm trying to move on with my life, live my life in spite of my tinnitus. I thought I was doing well with habitation but everywhere I turn now, I'm reminded that my life has forever changed because of this condition. I honestly don't feel like I have much to live for. I feel broken.

When my tinnitus first began, I had about two weeks of crying and freaking out about this constant noise in my head that I heard over almost everything (except in the shower). I thought I got over the initial hump and was slowly working towards habituation. After the first couple of months, I was doing okay. Yes, I had good days and bad days, but at least I wasn't crying all the time like I am now. Since the beginning, I forced myself to sleep without any masking - masking was annoying and just made my tinnitus worse, it seems to react to it. I started noticing that I may have hyperacusis too, this seems to be more of an issue when my tinnitus is quite loud, otherwise I can get through the discomfort it causes. I managed to get through a spike that lasted a week or so - not even sure it's gone away, as my tinnitus has been med-high almost constantly for about two months now. It seems to be fluctuating a lot, sometimes even daily. Maybe it's because I'm more stressed recently? I don't know any more.

I have panic and anxiety attacks now, something that didn't happen initially. I'm getting regular headaches now, and generally just feel like crap. My emotions are all over the place, I can't control them and just randomly start crying. I'm not sure what's happened since the initial onset, but I now feel like I'm in a worse emotional state than when my tinnitus first began. Mentally and physically I feel tired. I feel broken. I try to be happy... but I think I'm depressed.

I was trying to be so positive in the beginning, but now it's nothing but negativity. Nothing seems to bring joy to my life any more. Only way I can describe it is I feel like I'm grieving. Like I'm mourning my previous life before my intrusive tinnitus began. Everywhere I look, I'm reminded of the life that was. I don't even think I necessarily cry over the loudness of the tinnitus, though that does bother me at times too and I give into it by crying over it. But I find myself mostly crying over what's been lost, how my life has been changed forever. Things I used to enjoy that I can't now. I cry over what I'll never have again, because now my tinnitus dictates my life - what I do, where I go, who I'm with. It's impacted on things I didn't even thing possible. I'm sad over this. I can't seem to get past this thinking. I feel I'm ruined and I'll never find happiness again. It's making me really depressed and suicidal. I don't know what to do to get through this stage.

Is this normal? Is this part of my journey to habitation? Has the reality of living with intrusive tinnitus finally hit me? Am I just going crazy because of it?

 

It is normal.

The earliest one can begin to habituate is after 2.5-3 years.

Have you experienced Any fading/improvement, compared to how you felt three months ago?

 

Hi Ultraviolet87,

I'm sorry you re feeling this way. I'm only 5 weeks into tinnitus which have been quite dark for me too especially as I'm in UK and we re in the lockdown. It's doom and gloom. However, have you considered taking any medications for your depression or seeing a psychologist first? Or doing and alternative therapy to reduce stress?

A few days after my tinnitus stared I went on a mild dose on antidepressant and it is helping me in some ways. I have two other friends who developed tinnitus this year due to stress related to COVID-19. Mine is also from prolonged stress. They seem to be doing much better than I am and keep saying that once the pandemic is over we will all get better. I hope so... please don't suffer in silence there is help out there. I've been doing a cranial sacral therapy and my therapist had tinnitus himself. He knows lots of people whose tinnitus went away or got much better. So here is hope.

Sending big hugs,
Mags.

 

No real fading, more like change in the type of sounds I'm hearing. It has changed in tone and pitch since June though. I now have a tone in the left ear that wasn't there before - when it first began it was just my right affected... not sure if that's a good sign or not. There have been days it's quieter than others, even hours at a time I don't hear it. It's still there when I listen for it though, I'm just not focusing on it as I'm doing other things. I'm hoping this is somewhat promising in terms of habituation.

Seems like habituation takes forever. Are you fully habituated?

 

Thanks Mags. I appreciate your kind words. It's also oddly comforting to know that I'm not alone facing this, that there's other people that know what I'm going through. Sometimes having this condition can feel quite isolating, even the people closest to us don't truly understand what we're going through and just how awful this condition can be. A lot of times I've felt so alone, it just adds to me feeling depressed, like nobody understands me, and I'm trapped and need to get out of this hole I find myself in but don't know where to turn for help. Even just posting on this forum about what I'm going through was very cathartic. I needed to put it out there, because I don't think people around me realise just how distressing this can be, and they're almost dismissive of how bothered by all this I am. All this just adds to my negative thinking and that I'm going mad or something.

I'm trying to do mindfulness meditation + I'm also seeing a psychologist at the moment, and slowly working through my emotions and what I've been going through. I've also got GAD and this onset of tinnitus has just made my anxiety that much worse. I'm not taking any mediation yet, though my doctor did prescribe some Valium for panic attacks and to only take if I'm really struggling to cope. I've heard even certain medications can affect tinnitus negatively, so definitely don't want to abuse anything that may cause it to become even louder.

I guess I'm just frustrated because I thought I was doing well, yet now I find myself in a worse emotional state than when it first began 5 months ago. I may think about seeing an audiologist for other therapy options, because my doctor hasn't been of much help to be honest. I'm also booked in to see an ENT in December. But they basically told me over the phone that there's nothing they can do for me, but if I really insist, they can book me in. Sigh. It's amazing how dismissive they were over the phone. Very disheartening.

 

It's there, but quieter?

The lower the pitch, the more it has healed...

 

I'm hoping it's headed that way. But honestly, it varies so much from day to day, I don't know what to think any more. I thought it was getting softer, but right now it's so incredibly high-pitched and screechy, somewhere between a tea kettle going off and a train screeching to a halt.

 

What happens on any given day or even a week isn't important. What matters is the monthly trend and the global low.

 

Curious about this statement, what makes you say that? And what do you mean by "healing"?

 

I know you've been keeping up with many stories on this forum, but I'd say there's no scientific reason to believe this is the case. There has been found a link between tinnitus pitch and edge of hearing before the steepest loss. (Or in other cases right in the "valley" of a 'cookie bite' audiogram).

 

There hasn't been any research into what precedes one reporting that one is over tinnitus. Normally people report a high-pitch tone changing to a high-pitch hiss which then changes to a lower-pitch hiss, which then fades and gets quieter. I don't recall anyone reporting a hiss changing to a high-pitch tone which then gets higher and higher pitched and then fades.

 

Where did you read that? Mine's always been a hum but it can be more buzzy when I'm stressed or haven't slept well. I've never had a classic "ringing" or tone type of noise.

 

What frequency is your hum (very low, like distant trucks or higher?) and do you have any hearing loss in the low frequencies?

 

I've been reading this forum almost every day for close to four years, and I have a good memory:

Your tinnitus hasn't changed from a high-pitch tone to a hum. It sounds like it has stayed relentlessly at the same level. When tinnitus doesn't change for many months it is, in fact a bad sign. There had been several success stories of tinnitus beginning to improve after years stuck at the same level, but these stories are very rare.

 

Are there studies to support either of these statements?

People 'habituate' at different rates - some very quickly, some much, much slower. And I've seen nothing to suggest that pitch correlates with recovery. The Success Stories section illustrates just how varied recovery can be.

@Ultraviolet87

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time right now. It's completely natural to struggle - especially as the months drag on and you get frustrated by the lack of 'improvement'. It's quite common for Tinnitus to fluctuate daily/weekly/monthly without rhyme or reason, so try not to worry too much about what sounds you're hearing (although I know how hard this is!). There's still every chance that your Tinnitus will improve, disappear or cease to be a problem for you, so don't be despondent that it hasn't happened yet.

And try not to be hard on yourself; it's fine to get upset and overwhelmed when dealing with Tinnitus. You've already come really far. Sometimes it just takes time.

 

Indeed I remember you. I haven't been here in months. I wonder why I always had the hum and not the tone...

Hope you are well Bill.

 

I think you've always had the hum because your original injury hasn't hurt your ears as much as how the ears those who got the tone got hurt...

 

@Ultraviolet87 I feel like I’m in the same boat as you... I was distressed, felt better, and now I feel horrible again. Also my tinnitus has changed in tones and fluctuates a lot as well... I’m almost 4 months in. I’m praying a miracle happens...