22, New to Tinnitus, Pretty Damn Sad Right Now

[Charlesm0513]

I haven't been on here long, and I've only been dealing with this for a few months. I can't relate in the way that you make music, but music has been a major love of mine. Since my tinnitus started, it sucks to try listening some days. Mine wasn't caused by listening too loud or going to concerts or anything like that. But not having music in my life just isn't an option I'm going to live with.

After reading a comment, I shouldn't be surprised some are really against headphone use. Guess I'm still uneducated when it comes to this stuff but I still listen to my headphones because I figure I might as well still get some enjoyment out of my good ear.

Anyway, sorry you're dealing with this at a young age. Hope things get better for you.

 

[ChristianEsco]

Hey Christian - sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know if you were exposed to dangerous amount of noise but I got it from working in a café for 2 years which is a joke taking into account the severity of my symptoms. I have been dysfunctional for almost a year having to cancel university and quitting my job - there is no way i can accept that much dysfunction. I was a young healthy man with functioning body and brain and my life went to zero real fast - not understanding speech, having moderate hyperacusis and severe tinnitus, on top of other health problems that emerged after the ear problems. I have been suicidal for almost a year and there was a time I was out at night daily planning to hang myself but I always chickened out. I also tried everything and even offered a prof' of audiology to do a case study on me regarding my auditory processing sudden problems - all to no avail. Whatever you do, don't hang yourself - it's brutal and can fail (from my experience), I'm going to end it via a high building in my case.

I considered VAD in Pegasos but needed parents' consent for Pegasos to approve so it's out of the table.

This is just absurd how it can destroy young lives leaving them with nothing in life, but i have made peace with this.

My family don't care at this point as they are tired of dealing with me and all these problems that can't be treated and destroy my life. I hope whatever you do that you are satisfied and pain free, for me life has ended months ago and it's just passing the time until I pull the plug.

Try your best to get your hands on some Ketamine. If you do a whole line of Ketamine you'll lose basically all of your sense of touch in about 15-20 minutes. That time between impact & death is probably excruciating, so being barely conscious would help a lot. This may be shocking for people to read, but severe sufferers like us aren't considering death by free choice, we're being killed by tinnitus. It's not committing suicide. Tinnitus is the cause of death.

There's a large harbour bridge near my house that is super common for suicides. My neighbour's son went off last year. That's an easy option. I've heard also that bleeding out is not painful (you panic & sweat but no pain), and also carbon monoxide (a sickness/dizzy feeling). I feel the same way as you, I died months ago. If this doesn't stop getting worse before I go back to university next year in March, then it will be impossible for me to handle.

I produced music & DJ'd, but only for 1.5 years, albeit I was doing it 24/7, and also working in a particularly loud bar for 8 hours a night. I also have some other chronic problems; IBS, Sebhorreic Dermatitis, hair loss, and ED. I exercised a lot, but ate a poor diet, and also did all the drugs you could name. Some music festivals I'd take different 4-5 hard drugs in one night, Molly, mushrooms, LSD, Ketamine, weed etc... That was quite rare though.

Having put nervous system through all that, I'm not entirely surprised at this condition happening, but it just makes no sense that it would be worsening for 9+ months despite living like a monk and having earmuffs on 24/7. I also haven't touched drugs/alcohol in over a year. Just occasional prescribed Gabapentin.

Also P.S, if you do get Ketamine, and want to know what death feels like before actually dying, doing a large dose of Ketamine very closely matches many people's accounts of bleeding out. I've done it twice myself, without having read any stories, and both times I was deeply and intuitively certain that that is what death feels like.

 

[Simon85]

just makes no sense that it would be worsening for 9+ months despite living like a monk and having earmuffs on 24/7

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. I know it's very hard. However, I disagree on the suicide front. The only certainties in life are death, pain and taxes. People need to find something meaningful to make the pain worthwhile - family, work, volunteering or projects... keep yourself occupied, keep protecting your ears and give it time. The vast majority of people get better and you are playing the long game with tinnitus - many people cite two years as the recovery period. I'd also suggest a full examination by an ENT that specialises in tinnitus if you haven't already.

 

[roy1159]

Try your best to get your hands on some Ketamine. If you do a whole line of Ketamine you'll lose basically all of your sense of touch in about 15-20 minutes. That time between impact & death is probably excruciating, so being barely conscious would help a lot. This may be shocking for people to read, but severe sufferers like us aren't considering death by free choice, we're being killed by tinnitus. It's not committing suicide. Tinnitus is the cause of death.

There's a large harbour bridge near my house that is super common for suicides. My neighbour's son went off last year. That's an easy option. I've heard also that bleeding out is not painful (you panic & sweat but no pain), and also carbon monoxide (a sickness/dizzy feeling). I feel the same way as you, I died months ago. If this doesn't stop getting worse before I go back to university next year in March, then it will be impossible for me to handle.

I produced music & DJ'd, but only for 1.5 years, albeit I was doing it 24/7, and also working in a particularly loud bar for 8 hours a night. I also have some other chronic problems; IBS, Sebhorreic Dermatitis, hair loss, and ED. I exercised a lot, but ate a poor diet, and also did all the drugs you could name. Some music festivals I'd take different 4-5 hard drugs in one night, Molly, mushrooms, LSD, Ketamine, weed etc... That was quite rare though.

Having put nervous system through all that, I'm not entirely surprised at this condition happening, but it just makes no sense that it would be worsening for 9+ months despite living like a monk and having earmuffs on 24/7. I also haven't touched drugs/alcohol in over a year. Just occasional prescribed Gabapentin.

Also P.S, if you do get Ketamine, and want to know what death feels like before actually dying, doing a large dose of Ketamine very closely matches many people's accounts of bleeding out. I've done it twice myself, without having read any stories, and both times I was deeply and intuitively certain that that is what death feels like.

Even though I made peace with my inevitable ending it's still depressing to have my life ruined by something so petty... Part time work in a café. I had the future ahead of me.

My physical health problems started after the ear problems - neuropathic pain in all my limbs. I'm just burning through the days until my legs are functional and I can end this cursed existence.

I don't have access to Ketamine but have unfilled Gabapentin prescription, can it have the same effect? I can't wait to be over with this.

 

[Ben Winders]

There's so much stuff in the pipeline > see:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/master-spreadsheet-of-hearing-pipeline.45095/

It would be sad to see any more lives lost and then in X years something would have come out to cure us, or at least alleviate the burden a bit.

Hang, the hell, in there!

 

[Kola]

Try your best to get your hands on some Ketamine. If you do a whole line of Ketamine you'll lose basically all of your sense of touch in about 15-20 minutes. That time between impact & death is probably excruciating, so being barely conscious would help a lot. This may be shocking for people to read, but severe sufferers like us aren't considering death by free choice, we're being killed by tinnitus. It's not committing suicide. Tinnitus is the cause of death.

There's a large harbour bridge near my house that is super common for suicides. My neighbour's son went off last year. That's an easy option. I've heard also that bleeding out is not painful (you panic & sweat but no pain), and also carbon monoxide (a sickness/dizzy feeling). I feel the same way as you, I died months ago. If this doesn't stop getting worse before I go back to university next year in March, then it will be impossible for me to handle.

I produced music & DJ'd, but only for 1.5 years, albeit I was doing it 24/7, and also working in a particularly loud bar for 8 hours a night. I also have some other chronic problems; IBS, Sebhorreic Dermatitis, hair loss, and ED. I exercised a lot, but ate a poor diet, and also did all the drugs you could name. Some music festivals I'd take different 4-5 hard drugs in one night, Molly, mushrooms, LSD, Ketamine, weed etc... That was quite rare though.

Having put nervous system through all that, I'm not entirely surprised at this condition happening, but it just makes no sense that it would be worsening for 9+ months despite living like a monk and having earmuffs on 24/7. I also haven't touched drugs/alcohol in over a year. Just occasional prescribed Gabapentin.

Also P.S, if you do get Ketamine, and want to know what death feels like before actually dying, doing a large dose of Ketamine very closely matches many people's accounts of bleeding out. I've done it twice myself, without having read any stories, and both times I was deeply and intuitively certain that that is what death feels like.

Hey hang in there, there is always hope for the living, I know how terrible tinnitus is, but things will get better.

There are promising drugs currently on clinical trials and many more to come, I am very new to this myself, don't give up hope. Death is never the answer, how will you feel if there is a cure in the next 5 years?

Just take one day at a time, don't think about tinnitus as a lifetime condition, just go through one day at a time.

Try being around family, friends and loved ones, get busy to take your mind off too much thinking.

I wish you the best.

 

[Ken219]

I have had many spikes and have endured (sic) tinnitus for 30 years. Please, suicide is not your answer. In 16 months you should be turning a corner for the good! It usually takes me 12-18 months to habituate, MAYBE LONGER. From what I am reading, tinnitus may be a side effect of the COVID-19 vaccine and it also could be caused by having COVID-19 infection? If true, I hope this accelerates funding and research to resolve hearing issues. I know it isn't easy. I do take medications to get me through the day.

Prayers and G-d bless.

 

[monkey124]

I am so sad to read this thread - it is truly devastating. I developed tinnitus about 15 months ago and I had totally lost it mentally. I was signed off work (I am a nanny and couldn't possibly look after the children). My husband was so concerned he took me to A&E (I literally don't recall this trip as I was so upset and hadn't slept in days).

Anyway, fast forward 15 months, I am living a normal life... I am taking Amitriptyline (spelling) and it has calmed me down for other issues I am having... infertility being one of them . I used to have a very low bass sound which was deeply disturbing and sounded like there was a car outside my window. I now just have a very small amount of tinnitus in left ear and right ear but it would be embarrassing to complain about it because it really is so quiet. The point of this message is not to gloat but to show you that things can truly get better and mine was really awful. Please, please don't end things as you don't know where you will be in a year x

 

[twa]

It is sad to read this thread, but especially disturbing to hear someone telling a stranger how to commit suicide.

Even if you were an expert or better yet a physician specializing in ears, you still would not know the specifics of this young man's health and situation.

Both of you are within the timeline of healing and recovery. Even though you there may be similarities in your situations, your exposure, volume, overall health may be very different. If you were a trained, licensed and experienced psychologist, you still do not know if the OP truly intends to end his life or is simply venting in frustration. Please do not be so cavalier with another person's life.

 

[monkey124]

I totally agree @twa this is not healthy at all and it really worries me. To be honest in the state I was in last year if someone had been giving me advice on how to commit suicide I can honestly say I may have taken it given the state I was in. Thank goodness I didn't as life has gotten a whole lot better. I am really worrying about these individuals and will keep checking in. Seriously my inbox is always open and I am happy to chat to anyone as I FULLY understand just how dreadful this is.

I am so sorry you are both suffering but please don't give advice on how to commit suicide — we need to be supporting each other and making plans to try and feel marginally better. Even if it is booking a GP's appt or presenting yourself to A&E and explaining you are in a dire place. A lot of us have been there and there is a chance your tinnitus could start to get better. Please message me if you are feeling awful and I can try and help the best I can — so sorry this is happening, I truly understand I really do x.

 

[ChristianEsco]

It is sad to read this thread, but especially disturbing to hear someone telling a stranger how to commit suicide.

Even if you were an expert or better yet a physician specializing in ears, you still would not know the specifics of this young man's health and situation.

Both of you are within the timeline of healing and recovery. Even though you there may be similarities in your situations, your exposure, volume, overall health may be very different. If you were a trained, licensed and experienced psychologist, you still do not know if the OP truly intends to end his life or is simply venting in frustration. Please do not be so cavalier with another person's life.

It's not committing suicide. To commit something implies immortality or illegality. This is an act of self mercy, of relief. If you have tinnitus and nerve pain that degenerates despite a calendar year of the best possible efforts, it's living a tortured existence. It's the accelerated death of your body without the relief of death itself. The ability to choose death is actually a blessing in relation to conditions like ALS or paralysis. Although, at the highest levels of tinnitus severity, death is not a choice. It's an inevitable conclusion of mental torment.

OP has been making posts like this for some time, and what I talked about is much more peaceful than what he was suggesting. I also was careful to make suggestions rather than give orders. I can understand how it is not comfortable to read, and it was likely best reserved for a PM (if you can do that on here, I don't know). But don't be so certain that encouraging someone to continue their suffering is actually the moral thing to do. A peaceful transition to the afterlife is a better outcome than a painful one.

 

[Matchbox]

Give yourself some time. It might get better, even if it takes a few years. Checking out too early would be a mistake.

Yes, it's a loss, but even severe tinnitus is better than death (even though it robs you severely)... at least as long as you can hold out... like I said, checking out early ain't helping anyone.

If we're that desperate, then we should be that desperate to get drastic treatment too... because if you're planning on checking out then it doesn't matter if it gets worse. It also puts things into perspective of how bad you really are. Not to minimize it, but I think it's pretty rare for it to be so bad, so awful, you want death...

Not that it isn't pure pointless white knuckle suffering if you're on here.