(If you are feeling down about your tinnitus don't read this)
Hi everyone,
I'm 38 years old, I obtained noise induced tinnitus from a firework going off near me at 15 years of age, instantly my ears rang like they do in the movies, but they never stopped. It was awful, I'll never forget. Back then, I would email people and they'd give me advice, as a kid, people go out of their way to help, there weren't many forums. I went to specialists , audiologists, ENT surgeons, I took supplements, I prayed, you name it I gave it a shot. Over the years it basically tainted my life, ruining college and Uni, i became depressed and always stressed. Eventually, I did TRT (Tinnitus RetrainingTtherapy) which is like CBT, for months with specialists. Over time, I habituated (a word that annoys me I must admit). In the end, I would hit the pillow at night (the worst time) and as the tinnitus level would rise (the pillow would muffle sound) but I would say (in my mind) "hello old friend" and go to sleep. I had complete mastery over it. Sure I longed for its absence, but it didn't ruin my existence anymore. I was so used to it,that I had relationships for years and my partner would never know I had it. I learnt that you don't give it "air time". It wasn't worth mentioning. In pursuit of tackling the depression, I exercised, a lot. So much so that It became my career for 10 years, I was so healthy that I gave talks on it.
I forbade my family and friends from asking me "how's that ringing in your ears" but when they did I would reply "I conquered it" and move on. It was still there, but I mostly noticed it at night.
Recently, after 23 years of constant ringing (it never ever changed volume) I went to the doctor for back pain, I slipped a disc. He gave me Celebrex for pain / inflammation. I didn't tell him I had tinnitus - because I was such a master of controlling my tinnitus that I didn't even remember or think to tell him. Given it had remained constant for 23 years... I thought it would never change.
After a few days of taking Celebrex I woke up one morning and noticed immediately that my tinnitus was very noticeable. I didn't panic. I didn't say anything, and all day I could hear it above everything. Eventually my girlfriend of many years noticed the pained look upon my face, and I told her all about it. Now that was 2 months ago, I didn't take Celebrex again, but there had been no reduction in it, and the nightmare has returned.
I know many of you will understand this; I can't begin to our into words, how hard this is. I'm not 15 anymore, I'm a grown man waking up in the middle of the night and crying. Not just gentle crying, but shear despair and sobbing like I've lost a loved one, holding my head in my hands type crying. It is so bad I can see how much it upsets my partner of many years, it's heartbreaking just to see the look in her face. In lockdown at the moment, I get so desperate sometimes I will lock myself in a room and just cry till I'm exhausted, hoping she won't notice as it's so traumatic for to witness, but I can't help it. I cry not just because of this nightmare has returned full force, but I cry when I think of the suffering I have endured for so long, how I felt like I managed it well after years of pain, how it tainted the years of my youth, how it changed my personality from a light hearted soul into a a more serious, more sensitive, but more somber person. But most of all, I cry because can't see me "getting over it" again. I can't see a future again. I can't see me enjoying time with friends, a sunset, a movie, holding hands, everything I have ever achieved, I would give up to end this experience.
I feel I can't "habituate" to the new reality that - after all this time - life hits me with a doubling of volume, this time, I don't trust that I have the strength overcome. My mood fluctuates, but not a day goes by that I don't think "I can't live with this" and experience suicidal ideation. I wouldn't do it, but I think about it all the time.
I am not sure what my intention is for this post. My hope is that my tinnitus will return to what it was before (I've long given up hoping for cure) but now I'm in full panic mode and I worry as more time passes since I took the medication - the less likely it will settle down. Like I said, it's been two months now, and I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. It's so bad, that I hear it in my dreams.
Thanks for reading this far. Any advice is appreciated, I am aware that I need to control my response to it... but I just can't seem too, despite having done it before... :-(
Hi everyone,
I'm 38 years old, I obtained noise induced tinnitus from a firework going off near me at 15 years of age, instantly my ears rang like they do in the movies, but they never stopped. It was awful, I'll never forget. Back then, I would email people and they'd give me advice, as a kid, people go out of their way to help, there weren't many forums. I went to specialists , audiologists, ENT surgeons, I took supplements, I prayed, you name it I gave it a shot. Over the years it basically tainted my life, ruining college and Uni, i became depressed and always stressed. Eventually, I did TRT (Tinnitus RetrainingTtherapy) which is like CBT, for months with specialists. Over time, I habituated (a word that annoys me I must admit). In the end, I would hit the pillow at night (the worst time) and as the tinnitus level would rise (the pillow would muffle sound) but I would say (in my mind) "hello old friend" and go to sleep. I had complete mastery over it. Sure I longed for its absence, but it didn't ruin my existence anymore. I was so used to it,that I had relationships for years and my partner would never know I had it. I learnt that you don't give it "air time". It wasn't worth mentioning. In pursuit of tackling the depression, I exercised, a lot. So much so that It became my career for 10 years, I was so healthy that I gave talks on it.
I forbade my family and friends from asking me "how's that ringing in your ears" but when they did I would reply "I conquered it" and move on. It was still there, but I mostly noticed it at night.
Recently, after 23 years of constant ringing (it never ever changed volume) I went to the doctor for back pain, I slipped a disc. He gave me Celebrex for pain / inflammation. I didn't tell him I had tinnitus - because I was such a master of controlling my tinnitus that I didn't even remember or think to tell him. Given it had remained constant for 23 years... I thought it would never change.
After a few days of taking Celebrex I woke up one morning and noticed immediately that my tinnitus was very noticeable. I didn't panic. I didn't say anything, and all day I could hear it above everything. Eventually my girlfriend of many years noticed the pained look upon my face, and I told her all about it. Now that was 2 months ago, I didn't take Celebrex again, but there had been no reduction in it, and the nightmare has returned.
I know many of you will understand this; I can't begin to our into words, how hard this is. I'm not 15 anymore, I'm a grown man waking up in the middle of the night and crying. Not just gentle crying, but shear despair and sobbing like I've lost a loved one, holding my head in my hands type crying. It is so bad I can see how much it upsets my partner of many years, it's heartbreaking just to see the look in her face. In lockdown at the moment, I get so desperate sometimes I will lock myself in a room and just cry till I'm exhausted, hoping she won't notice as it's so traumatic for to witness, but I can't help it. I cry not just because of this nightmare has returned full force, but I cry when I think of the suffering I have endured for so long, how I felt like I managed it well after years of pain, how it tainted the years of my youth, how it changed my personality from a light hearted soul into a a more serious, more sensitive, but more somber person. But most of all, I cry because can't see me "getting over it" again. I can't see a future again. I can't see me enjoying time with friends, a sunset, a movie, holding hands, everything I have ever achieved, I would give up to end this experience.
I feel I can't "habituate" to the new reality that - after all this time - life hits me with a doubling of volume, this time, I don't trust that I have the strength overcome. My mood fluctuates, but not a day goes by that I don't think "I can't live with this" and experience suicidal ideation. I wouldn't do it, but I think about it all the time.
I am not sure what my intention is for this post. My hope is that my tinnitus will return to what it was before (I've long given up hoping for cure) but now I'm in full panic mode and I worry as more time passes since I took the medication - the less likely it will settle down. Like I said, it's been two months now, and I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. It's so bad, that I hear it in my dreams.
Thanks for reading this far. Any advice is appreciated, I am aware that I need to control my response to it... but I just can't seem too, despite having done it before... :-(
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