Hi. I'm a 17-year-old high school senior who has dealt with tinnitus for 5 years. For a couple of weeks, I've lurked this forum and I would like to tell some of my story, if nothing else but to journal thoughts for myself.
When I was a kid, I experienced what I called "flashbangs", due to the flashbang sound in Call of Duty (I watched my brother play). It faded in-and-out quickly so it was not concerning. This was my relationship with tinnitus for a decade. It became constant/constantly noticeable in 7th grade. Fairly standard, it took about a month for me to habituate.
For the next three years, I dealt with tinnitus well. It was mild and seldom presented issues. Unfortunately, things got worse over quarantine. When faced with a temporary spike, I would turn up my box fans to sleep. Doing school virtually, I stayed mostly in my room with the fans on increasingly larger volumes. When I eventually did return to school, tinnitus made school hell. Focusing to do work became impossible. One morning I remember sobbing to myself during a standardized test - not because it was difficult, but because the quietude was too much to bear. It was a dark time. This was when I saw an audiologist who estimated my tinnitus to be about 70 decibels - the equivalent of a phone ringing. She also told me my hearing was near perfect.
Also during this time, I applied to an early college program in my state meant for juniors and seniors and was lucky enough to be accepted - this meant for the next two years, I would get to live on a campus and academically speaking, get to be a real college student (with appropriate restrictions). Knowing that I would be paired with a roommate who likely would not tolerate loud fans, I slowly began to successfully acclimate myself to a quieter environment. I had good and bad nights with tinnitus Junior year, but mostly good.
On November 21st, I had a spike after usage of headphones to game online. This happens every time I use headphones regardless of volume. Because I play infrequently and quietly, I saw no reason to fear that a spike would become permanent. Well, this one did (and some). My tinnitus has been unbearable since. Everyday this past month has been a battle, and I am losing badly. Gathering concentration to study for finals was pointless. Two nights ago, my brother's voice was too loud for me and I had to retreat to my room. Actively doing *anything* is becoming more and more difficult. It's incredibly frustrating. I feel that there must be a god, and he must hate me. I feel like a complete alien. I feel that I cannot be helped. For days I've been asking myself, "What did I do to deserve this?"
My youth is gone and I feel truly alone. Since my parents' divorce I have had little contact with my dad, and my mom has plenty on her plate, so I don't bother her often. I have no one to talk to and no one to be helped by. It's a sick joke. I've worked so hard for such a long time, I feel that I've lived responsibly. But none of that matters. With any other disease that shows physical symptoms, I might at least gain a little bit of sympathy. Not with tinnitus. I'm withering. Talking to friends feels pointless. I'm not suggesting that I will soon harm myself, or ever will - that's not something I want to think about. I've read plenty on the Susan Shore Device, and the reception to Shore's findings gives me strength, but that optimism can only carry me so far.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for. Advice? Flowers? Who knows. More than anything, I just appreciate getting to unbottle myself. Thank you. Writing this has helped me. To those of you with severe noxacusis / hyperacusis and tinnitus, you are extremely strong people. I applaud you all.
When I was a kid, I experienced what I called "flashbangs", due to the flashbang sound in Call of Duty (I watched my brother play). It faded in-and-out quickly so it was not concerning. This was my relationship with tinnitus for a decade. It became constant/constantly noticeable in 7th grade. Fairly standard, it took about a month for me to habituate.
For the next three years, I dealt with tinnitus well. It was mild and seldom presented issues. Unfortunately, things got worse over quarantine. When faced with a temporary spike, I would turn up my box fans to sleep. Doing school virtually, I stayed mostly in my room with the fans on increasingly larger volumes. When I eventually did return to school, tinnitus made school hell. Focusing to do work became impossible. One morning I remember sobbing to myself during a standardized test - not because it was difficult, but because the quietude was too much to bear. It was a dark time. This was when I saw an audiologist who estimated my tinnitus to be about 70 decibels - the equivalent of a phone ringing. She also told me my hearing was near perfect.
Also during this time, I applied to an early college program in my state meant for juniors and seniors and was lucky enough to be accepted - this meant for the next two years, I would get to live on a campus and academically speaking, get to be a real college student (with appropriate restrictions). Knowing that I would be paired with a roommate who likely would not tolerate loud fans, I slowly began to successfully acclimate myself to a quieter environment. I had good and bad nights with tinnitus Junior year, but mostly good.
On November 21st, I had a spike after usage of headphones to game online. This happens every time I use headphones regardless of volume. Because I play infrequently and quietly, I saw no reason to fear that a spike would become permanent. Well, this one did (and some). My tinnitus has been unbearable since. Everyday this past month has been a battle, and I am losing badly. Gathering concentration to study for finals was pointless. Two nights ago, my brother's voice was too loud for me and I had to retreat to my room. Actively doing *anything* is becoming more and more difficult. It's incredibly frustrating. I feel that there must be a god, and he must hate me. I feel like a complete alien. I feel that I cannot be helped. For days I've been asking myself, "What did I do to deserve this?"
My youth is gone and I feel truly alone. Since my parents' divorce I have had little contact with my dad, and my mom has plenty on her plate, so I don't bother her often. I have no one to talk to and no one to be helped by. It's a sick joke. I've worked so hard for such a long time, I feel that I've lived responsibly. But none of that matters. With any other disease that shows physical symptoms, I might at least gain a little bit of sympathy. Not with tinnitus. I'm withering. Talking to friends feels pointless. I'm not suggesting that I will soon harm myself, or ever will - that's not something I want to think about. I've read plenty on the Susan Shore Device, and the reception to Shore's findings gives me strength, but that optimism can only carry me so far.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for. Advice? Flowers? Who knows. More than anything, I just appreciate getting to unbottle myself. Thank you. Writing this has helped me. To those of you with severe noxacusis / hyperacusis and tinnitus, you are extremely strong people. I applaud you all.
Member
