A Life with No Peace, No Hope, No Joy, and No Mercy.

[ManApart]

All the horrible things in my life. My mental and physical health. Ive struggled with depression and anxiety my entire adult life. Im diabetic and have hypertension. I lived many years in crushing loneliness and heart break from a past divorce. I lost my father to dementia. In 2012 I was diagnosed with a mild form of gastroparesis. Because ive been diabetic since I was a teenager im already experiencing vision loss. Im 30% blind in my right eye. I have neuropathy in my feet. My childhood was abusive and traumatic. I have been through a lot of pain and misery, but if you were to put all of it together, all of it, every single pain, trauma and heartbreak, none of it can compare to the last 2 months of my pathetic and worthless life. In early January my life and what little of what is left of me changed. I was already suffering at the time from a extremely bad flare up from my gastroparesis. Constipated, couldn't eat, and have extreme abdominal pains. Then one morning I wake up, the worse day of my life by far. And I hear this very loud and constant ring emitting from the center/left side of my head. A few days go by and I realized this was not going away. I researched it for hours upon hours and I saw I had developed an incurable condition called tinnitus.

For the last two months my entire life has been this constant sound in my head. What little faith, strength, and sanity I have left has been put to the ultimate test. I have overcome a lot in my life but this takes the cake. Trying to pull strength and hope from the deepest part of my soul and being. Trying to survive solely on the love of my family which is really all I have of any meaning in this world.

Before life was just misery. Now it is torture. This is suffering. There is just pure torment. There is no other way to describe it. This monster in my brain has caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, joy, my faith and has frozen my life in place. I always feel weak, disoriented, I cant focus on anything else no matter how hard I try. It wont allow me to. Theres no cure, so there no faith, and nothing to hope for. There nothing I can do. Literally nothing, but just suffer and wait til it either gets better or drives me insane. I feel like my life is over honestly. How can I accept this on top of all the other challenges I have had to deal with in my life. I can't function. I have very little support. I can't work or spend time with my so called friends. Can't spend time with my family. Pain is one thing. You can get relief, take pain pills, fight through it. Heartbreak you can overcome with time, reflection, forgiveness, moving on and meeting new people. Tinnitus is being tortured every minute im awake with no way to find relief. I have never suffered more than I have now and I thought having gastroparesis was the worse thing I could ever experience. I didn't even know something like tinnitus even existed. But whats frustrating is I have no idea how I got it. No one in my life understands. Im just suffering with no end in sight.

My depression has never been worse. I have panic attacks all the time now. I would rather be deaf or have cancer. Im living in a nightmare. And no one can help me. No one cares or understands. There nothing I can do with all this fear and anger. I'm so scared that this is it. Ive run into something I cannot overcome. Im afraid im going to lose my mind. Im only human. I cannot cope with this. I have no quality of life has been erased. All I do is just sit, wait, try to force myself to sleep, and make myself as comfortable as possible. Just waiting to there is nothing left. There are a lot of strong and determined people on this forum. People who have lived with this for years. I cant even imagine how I could go on. At a certain point I have to justify why I wake up everyday suffering like this. Im agnostic. I dont think life is a gift or precious. So im trying very hard to hold on to whatever i can and overcome this to at least a point I can find relief and tolerate it. I dont think I have a lot of time. Each day I feel worse and worse. Im suffering. I no longer have peace. All I can do is try and hold on for those I care about. But in the end im just human. And right now death seems more and more a merciful gift. The only time ill ever have peace again is when I die.

 

[stophiss]

I will say OP that suffering is an integral part of the human condition. Nobody escapes that and perhaps this fact escapes you. So why are some people happier than others? Because they more or less perhaps don't embrace suffering, but rather accept it as part of the bittersweet journey called life.

I will give you a couple of examples.
In cycling...see my avatar, one of the greatest cyclists in history was Eddie Merckx...a Belgian. If you stood he and me side by side in our respective primes...he is a bit older than me....there was very little to separate us. Of course he had the heart and lungs of Secretariat but his physiology like mine was most unremarkable. The boy next door. He was asked in an interview well after his storied career what made him special. He simply stated his capacity to suffer. In fact, considering this, there may be relevance to me as well with my cycling. I have considered that my inability to suffer on the bike may separate me from other good cyclists I compete with. In other words I have great natural talent for cycling but thwarted by a lower pain tolerance than others which also affects my annual training mileage. Then take Donald Trump and about 1/2 of the people on this forum extrapolating from American society hate him and btw, I am not one of them. I believe the things he is trying to do for the country is what the country needs on many levels. But then there is how he projects and reacts to his opposition. Most could never live in Donald Trump's mind or world. They don't have the courage or the guts for it. He relishes the fight where others only want to run for cover.

So, perspective is big and it may in fact be mostly genetic. I will give you another way to look at your life OP. You basically say your life pre-tinnitus was hell and this is just another log on the fire of torture. No question you are tortured as many of us were when contracting this most unwelcome intruder in our lives that won't leave called tinnitus...an intruder without a cure.

What I suggest if you haven't extensively delved into your mental health, is seek a therapist and experiment heavily with anti depressant meds....different types and dosages. You see, you have no free will against your brain chemistry you inherited. You want proof? Depression and anxiety are generally genetic. Further reinforcement for your depression and anxiety was how behavior was modeled to you growing up by likely depressed parents or sibblings and also generally cousins and other extended family members sharing your DNA. So you can't help how you feel and you can't pull out of this tail spin. You need medicine to normalize your brain chemistry so you can be more objective about your life and this loud obnoxious neighbor you can't move past called tinnitus.

I hope you seek help. Most, including me that contract tinnitus were initially devastated. Once you work through all the phases of recovery from grieving to anger, ultimately most get back to a more or less normal life. But keep in mind, your life wasn't normal to begin with. So ultimately tinnitus maybe your saving grace because it at long last motivated you to seek psychiatric help I believe you need.

Good luck.

 

[ManApart]

@stophiss
Yes, suffering is integral and essential even to building your tolerance, character, and inner fortitude. It shapes you in some cases positively. But living in a constant insufferable condition only devalues life and degrades your humanity. Theres only bitter, nothing sweet.

Briefly, I believe Trump's presidency was born from disillusion and suffering. People losing trust and faith in in our system of government that like a tinnitus sufferer struggling to cope, they will listen, believe and resonate with anyone's message that sounds like a cure to all of their problems and are will to try anything.

I have taken nearly every anti depressant there is in the last 20 years. There were only 2 I could tolerate and took long term, and after awhile they stopped working and that darkness always seems to find a way to creep back into your psyche. One day I told myself the best thing to combat negative trauma is with positive trauma. So I started doing things that I enjoyed. I got a great job, met people, got married(but later divorced), changed my diet and exercised a bit. Only taking anti anxiety medication and going to counselling I started to get better. I wasn't happy, but I wasnt miserable either. I found a middle ground of contentment. But it was only temporary as I begin to experience traumatic earthquakes that shook the foundation of my life. One after another.

I believe in medicine and science. But I also believe that we are woefully behind and inept to the wonders of our own brain. Depression and anxiety disorders carry a stigma with it. Its 2017 and there is still a debate in the medical community about what actually causes tinnitus. Mental health is under funded, under treated, and very much still misunderstood. We are still scratching the surface of understanding a lot of how the mind works. I have been on anti depressants, anti psychotic, and anti anxiety medication for many years. I don't know if im treatment resistant or if my mind just fell under the weight of years of abuse and suffering. When your still living in a toxic environment, I doubt that taken a antidote will help much when your still constantly breathing in the toxic fumes.

The only thing tinnitus has given me is the increasing ability to fear dying less and less. Im so worn down, neurotic, and miserable that death seems more sweet than bitter.

For now, there is still a little more left of me to give and im in the fight of my life and holding on as long as I can.

 

[hans799]

For now, there is still a little more left of me to give and im in the fight of my life and holding on as long as I can.

I deeply hope that you will be able to hold on long enough for habituation (or at least tolerance) to develop, or for the tinnitus to slowly fade on its own. One of these happens to the overwhelming majority of T sufferers.

 

[ManApart]

@hans799
someone will have to explain to me what habituation is. Tolerance is unlikely and I would have a better chance winning the lottery than waking up one day and having this gone. I doubt I would have such luck.

 

[slipware]

Habituation as I see it (and have never achieved), is the T gets put to the back of your conscious mind, still there but not troublesome.

Something to hold on to @ManApart I've had this raging beast inside my head for 5 years, non stop. When it started I couldn't drive, concentrate, shop, or do much at all. Now, it's still very much there but I do everything I can, and couldn't do a few years ago.
And yesterday, I almost thought a miracle had happened. My gp put me on steroid nose drops recently and I had a virtual whole day of quiet ears!!! It was awesome. I'm now back to screeching squealing ears, but yesterday gave me respite and hope.

Don't give up. I'm not sure miracles do happen, but you never know.

 

[glynis]

Hi @ManApart,
Welcome to Tinnitus Talk .

I have just read your story and can see you have been through a tough time and still deal with health issues that impact on your life and anxiety and low mood and now tinnitus on top.

Its time now ,even with tinnitus to build up some positives to help you.

Tinnitus is mental torture for some people when they first get it and deal with spikes and unwanted emotions.
You have come to a nice forum with round the clock support so you are never alone with it now for support,chat and make friends.

Keeping relaxing sound on around you or the tv and put on nice smelly stuff all help a little to distract your mind a little from your sound.
A up to date hearing test and hearing aids or maskers/White noise generators and sound therapy at night can help short tern till it goes or long term if it stays.
If you carnt get out and maybe live alone contact with others on the phone or forum or visitors play a big part in how you feel and getting help and support with low mood can help too.

I know you have been on alot of AD and anxiety meds and you may wish to go down that route again and talking therapy is a great help also.

Adding to our forum on general chat you can post about hobbies ,books you read or anything you would like to talk about so not just a tinnitus forum...

Try build up small positives in each day even chatting on the phone followed by a nice cup of tea etc.
Try plan something you would like to do and if you can be helped to do it with your family.
My tinnitus is in both ears and did benifit from taking Nortryptaline and took away tinnitus in my head and my deep drone dound and took the edge off my high pitch.
I have a cold at the moment so ears are having a rave but it will calm down a little as this cold clears.

You will adapt to tinnitus as your brain builds up its natural filter and blocks it out abit like not focusing on traffic sounds,clocks ticking,dog barking, etc you will hear it but wont react as much and think its my stupid ears at it again.

When we have the tough times is time to put in practice things we like to help lift our mood and do what we can to stop our mood dropping.
Have a lovely afternoon and have a good look around the forum and positive posts too...lots of love glynis

 

[ManApart]

@slipware
whenever someone describes habituation to me its sounds like theyre describing a form of meditation or hypnosis. I do believe it is possible to build such a tolerance but Im wondering does it depend on how intrusive and loud the T is. I can build such a tolerance where it isnt as troublesome and I can concentrate on other things and it wont drive me insane. But it would have to decrease in pitch and intensity substantially from where it is now.

5 years? My goodness, I have a hard time imaging living with this 5 more weeks. Im so fascinated by how people are able to endure. I guess we all individually have something in our lives thats meaningful that drives us to overcome. Im woefully lacking in that department. Thanks and I hope for the best.

@glynis
This forum for me has been a positive. The people hear are extraordinarily positive. I cant find much else positive about experiencing T. Im glad I found this place. I dont feel as alone. I will continue to use this forum as a refuge from my tinnitus. I am doing all I can at this point. Im just so exhausted mentally and physically. I hope my brain will find a way to correct itself. But even before tinnitus ive been waiting for it to do that most of my life. Time will tell. Im worse for wear at the moment. No energy. I just want to cry and rest for now. Ill try to be strong tomorrow.

 

[BLane]

@ManApart: Lay down on your bed or go outside and sit on your porch and just listen to and observe your tinnitus. Recognize that the part of you doing the observing can still be calm and totally at peace, regardless of whatever the tinnitus is doing. Separate the tinnitus from the conscious observer. T can take your silence, but not your peace unless you allow it to.

 

[Mricha37]

It takes about a year to not give a hoot about T. Just keep chugging on man and one day you won't notice it, I promise.

I was only 24, in my prime when I thought my life was over. That was 9 years ago! I'll probably have a party of I make it to 10 years haha! Start volunteering, there's so much more suffering. T is a joke comparatively

 

[fhs]

On the plus side there might be a good way to lower T volume or fix it in the future. It might be 10-30 years but it should happen eventually.

 

[hans799]

someone will have to explain to me what habituation is

I have had my baseline tinnitus (mainly a 6kHz binaural buzz, plus several more sounds, mild to medium volume - sometimes barely heard, sometimes audible over regular car noise or music) since early childhood (20+ years). So I think I'm a good example of habituation.

It is basically not caring. The sound is there, buzzing, whining, changing in pitch - and there is absolutely no reaction. Because it is so uninteresting I often just do not notice it, the brain fades it into the background. But it is there, if I for some reason think about it I hear it right away. But no fear, no anxiety, it is completely natural to me, like any other bodily sensation.
In fact I sleep with earplugs so at night the only sound I hear is my tinnitus with perfect clarity. It is downright soothing.

This is how habituation is to me. If I could have a med that turns my baseline T off, I would have no interest in it because the baseline T has zero impact on me.

Now for the new T sound... I just went through the usual depressive, anxious, suicidal hell like many others, so do I empathize with you fully.

 

[devonlee]

@ManApart I'm asking things that truly aren't my business so don't feel that you need to answer them if you don't want to.

Is your diabetes well controlled or was it not well controlled at some point? Several of your conditions stem from diabetes, as I'm sure you are aware, such as the neuropathy and issues with your vision. How is your kidney function? I know of several people who have tinnitus has a result of kidney failure. Unfortunately, diabetes also puts you at greater risk for kidney disease.

It sounds like you definitely have a lot on your plate. I'm sorry that you feel you do not have support. I hope that you can find someone on the forum that you can relate to or at least someone who helps you to get answers.

It seems that you need someone to treat the whole of you, rather than specific professionals targeting each problem individually. I'm not sure where to find that person though.

 

[ManApart]

On the plus side there might be a good way to lower T volume or fix it in the future. It might be 10-30 years but it should happen eventually.

Ha................ ha.

 

[ManApart]

@BLane
I got outside and lay out on the back porch. I never appreciated birds, crickets, and the planes that fly over more. I always hear it regardless. I listen to it. It seems unbelievable at time. There is literally nothing I can do to remove you out of my life. So how can we coexist. Maybe the day when I can not hate it so much, I can find peace amidst this storm in my head. I ponder where I am going to find that kind of mental fortitude.


@Mricha37
A year? Oh boy. I remember before New Years, I told myself this would be one of the best years of my life. I had several resolutions. 10 years at my job. Getting married again. Travelling and doing more. And it turns out this is and will be probably the opposite of all of that and be the worse year of my life period. Like a table that you arranged perfectly turned completely upside down. This changed everything. Ive lost so much already. Even if it does get better my life has changed forever. But if ever I reach that point, I will learn to appreciate so much more. Especially myself and my health. 9 years? Wow. That is something to celebrate. Not the tinnitus, but that you in your own way beat it and did not let it rob you of your joy and passion for life.


@hans799
Only time will tell. My hatred for this grow. I lost my job of 9 years and my fiance whom ive known for 4 years but proposed to back in Sept. Ive only had tinnitus for 2 months. So I may be going backwards in a sense because each day I feel worse and more bitter. The way habituation is being described to me is almost like any normal bodily trauma such as a broken leg. Itll hurt like hell in the beginning. And be sore for a long time and you will struggle to walk. Itll never be the same and you may have a limp, but you wont even notice it. It will just become natural to you.

You must do a lot of meditation or something. I find it astounding how you have embraced your T to the point you would have no interest in taking anything to reduce it. To have zero effect. Im wondering if you had like CBT or Retraining therapy. I think for me habituation will be very difficult because there is two consecutive sounds. One in the center of my head and the worse one is the one emitting from my left ear. I call it the screams from hell. They change in pitch, tone and intensity so I can never get used to just one sound. I do see you state you were born with it. I imagine it would be like someone born blind. It would be less of an impact to them cos they have never been able to see before anyway. Youve never had silence, so it would almost be foreign to you. I admire your strength.



@devonlee
My last A1C was 5.9 so my diabetes has been well controlled. The problem is ive been diabetic since i was a teenager. So all of the symptoms are coming full circle for me. The longer you have it the more difficult it is to control. I have nerve damage, neuropathy in my feet and part of my left leg. It feels like stepping on a vibrating phone. Its a buzzing feeling that drives me nuts but luckily it isnt constant. It comes and goes. Losing vision in my right eye. Im taking two different eye drops a day. I have damage to my vagus nerve that has caused me have a mild form of gastroparesis(which alone is hell). I currently regain normal kidney functions but I have been losing functions and leaking protein for years. As of now im stable in that regard. I would not doubt that my diabetes could be responsible for any cochlear nerve damage that has caused my tinnitus. But at this point, I don't know and neither do my doctors. Despite all, tinnitus is by far the worse condition I have ever had to endure.

 

[fishbone]

All the horrible things in my life. My mental and physical health. Ive struggled with depression and anxiety my entire adult life. Im diabetic and have hypertension. I lived many years in crushing loneliness and heart break from a past divorce. I lost my father to dementia. In 2012 I was diagnosed with a mild form of gastroparesis. Because ive been diabetic since I was a teenager im already experiencing vision loss. Im 30% blind in my right eye. I have neuropathy in my feet. My childhood was abusive and traumatic. I have been through a lot of pain and misery, but if you were to put all of it together, all of it, every single pain, trauma and heartbreak, none of it can compare to the last 2 months of my pathetic and worthless life. In early January my life and what little of what is left of me changed. I was already suffering at the time from a extremely bad flare up from my gastroparesis. Constipated, couldn't eat, and have extreme abdominal pains. Then one morning I wake up, the worse day of my life by far. And I hear this very loud and constant ring emitting from the center/left side of my head. A few days go by and I realized this was not going away. I researched it for hours upon hours and I saw I had developed an incurable condition called tinnitus.

For the last two months my entire life has been this constant sound in my head. What little faith, strength, and sanity I have left has been put to the ultimate test. I have overcome a lot in my life but this takes the cake. Trying to pull strength and hope from the deepest part of my soul and being. Trying to survive solely on the love of my family which is really all I have of any meaning in this world.

Before life was just misery. Now it is torture. This is suffering. There is just pure torment. There is no other way to describe it. This monster in my brain has caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, joy, my faith and has frozen my life in place. I always feel weak, disoriented, I cant focus on anything else no matter how hard I try. It wont allow me to. Theres no cure, so there no faith, and nothing to hope for. There nothing I can do. Literally nothing, but just suffer and wait til it either gets better or drives me insane. I feel like my life is over honestly. How can I accept this on top of all the other challenges I have had to deal with in my life. I can't function. I have very little support. I can't work or spend time with my so called friends. Can't spend time with my family. Pain is one thing. You can get relief, take pain pills, fight through it. Heartbreak you can overcome with time, reflection, forgiveness, moving on and meeting new people. Tinnitus is being tortured every minute im awake with no way to find relief. I have never suffered more than I have now and I thought having gastroparesis was the worse thing I could ever experience. I didn't even know something like tinnitus even existed. But whats frustrating is I have no idea how I got it. No one in my life understands. Im just suffering with no end in sight.

My depression has never been worse. I have panic attacks all the time now. I would rather be deaf or have cancer. Im living in a nightmare. And no one can help me. No one cares or understands. There nothing I can do with all this fear and anger. I'm so scared that this is it. Ive run into something I cannot overcome. Im afraid im going to lose my mind. Im only human. I cannot cope with this. I have no quality of life has been erased. All I do is just sit, wait, try to force myself to sleep, and make myself as comfortable as possible. Just waiting to there is nothing left. There are a lot of strong and determined people on this forum. People who have lived with this for years. I cant even imagine how I could go on. At a certain point I have to justify why I wake up everyday suffering like this. Im agnostic. I dont think life is a gift or precious. So im trying very hard to hold on to whatever i can and overcome this to at least a point I can find relief and tolerate it. I dont think I have a lot of time. Each day I feel worse and worse. Im suffering. I no longer have peace. All I can do is try and hold on for those I care about. But in the end im just human. And right now death seems more and more a merciful gift. The only time ill ever have peace again is when I die.

Hey Buddy,

I totally understand how you feel, really do. I have quite a few issues with neuropathy, constant pain 24 7 all over my body, psoriasis, gastritis and the most horrible and destructive-super loud tinnitus in both ears and my hearing is pretty much horrible and garbage now.

I have been battling this BS called tinnitus for almost 30 years now. It has had its ups and downs for sure, the sound is super loud and it covers most of my hearing and that totally sucks.

I see that you just got tinnitus and yes it is very scary for people that just got it. They are thinking, what the hell is going on. Does anyone else hear that noise? I use to ask my parents as a teen , if they heard that noise too. Bro, all of us have shed tears and asked God why me. It is natural, to do these things. If you have to shed tears and get it out of your system do it, it only makes you stronger.

It takes time, but you will get use to it. Id give my life to have your level of tinnitus and many others folks who experience tinnitus in one ear and at a low level of noise.

Adapting and coping is the way to survive this thing. Fighting it and obsessing will not help at all and it only hurts you more in the end.

Stress is a huge factor with tinnitus, the more stress you have, it can turn that volume up and annoy the hell outta you , much more.

I'll tell you this much, i have shitty , garbage tinnitus and it will never go away till i die. I careless for having good hearing and i careless for this tinnitus. I go to my martial arts class, because i love it and we hit pads and it is very loud and i still keep doing it, i don't let tinnitus end my happiness...don't let it end yours

 

[hans799]

You must do a lot of meditation or something. I find it astounding how you have embraced your T to the point you would have no interest in taking anything to reduce it. To have zero effect. Im wondering if you had like CBT or Retraining therapy.

nope, none of that - I simply had it for a very very long time (20+ years), and I got it when the brain was at top neuroplasticity (early childhood). For a long time I thought this was what "silence" meant, only much later have I realized that this is actually a medical condition!

As I mentioned, a new sound was recently added to my T. I reacted to this the "normal" way - with panic and depression. My "old" T sounds still don't bother me at all, but the new T sound tortured me just like it tortures anybody new to T! Luckily (knock on wood) the new sound seems to be fading but with T, you never know...

The key takeaway here is that the single best healer for this beast is time.

 

[volsung37]

To be honest @ManApart I personally would be more worried about the vision loss. You may not believe it now but I can almost guarantee you will get used to the tinnitus within a year. I have two tone tinnitus in my left ear and a humming sound in my right. For the first 8 months or so i thought my life was over. I made a will etc. Now I only care about it at night if I can't get to sleep. I used to sleep like a baby before T.

 

[ManApart]

@fishbone
From 1 to 10, 10 being super loud I would say my T is around a 7 or 8 most of the time. That is why its so hard to mask because it is not only loud but reactive. So if I play something like the sound of a waterfall, it turns into a 9. When I have to drive is when its at its worse. I sleep with two fan, a radio on and the tv, taking melatonin, clonazepam, and another sleep aid at night and maybe i can get a good 3 hours if im lucky.

30 years living with this would have driven me mad, especially since there has not been any real progress in treatment of tinnitus. I believe everyone when they say they have been where I am now and that it gets better. It helps me and gives me hope. But right now is right now. And right now I am where I am and its hell. I wish I could fast forward a year but I cant. Im still in shock, im still emotionally wrecked, im suicidal, depressed, and scared out of my mind. Im doing all I can to keep calm.

The hardest part for me isnt accepting it, its trying to justify the suffering. My life was pretty awful before, so is this really worth waking up to every day. What do I have in life that is so precious and meaningful that justifies this much misery. I have no real family support. I just lost my girlfriend. I have no kids. I dont enjoy much. Tinnitus has pretty much become my life. It has altered every aspect of my being. Its not the stress, im in agony. It is torturing. I think thats the part I can't fully explain to people. Its hard to relax because im struggling to find a way to get some kind of relief from it and sleep properly. A week ago I foolishly was banging my head against the wall. It was literally that bad. I felt my sanity leaving me. Its a grind and right now the two things I have is this forum and the clonazepam. The forum helps me take my mind off it even when im talking to others about it. Ive never had happiness. So having tinnitus did not take that away. I was content though. I doubt ill ever be again no matter what happens.

@hans799
My biggest fear is waking up and having a 3rd louder sound in my head. I think that would pretty much be the beginning of the end. I mean I would just blast music in my ears all day, get drunk, and take clonazepam and sleep aids and try to sleep 20 hours a day. Give T the middle finger, curse God, and laugh maniacally all the way to my grave. Im glad it has toned down for you. I think thats the hard part is trying to get used to multiple sounds, pitches, and levels of intensity.


@volsung37
I am taking eye drops and recently had a eye exam so ever since I first notice I was losing vision in my right eye it has not worsen. If I were to, i hope my left eye would not follow anytime soon. I had a dream I went blind. I honestly cant tell you which would be worse. Blindness or having Tinnitus. I think even if I couldnt see I could still imagine things, feel things, listen to talk shows and music. Play with my dog. It wouldnt be this constant harshness. I mean no doubt it would be severely traumatic but, I honestly would rather be blind in my right eye than have tinnitus. But I guess im just saying that now cos im in the beginning stages of this. I feel worser each day but I guess it gets worse before it gets better. So Im trusting and believing and thankful for all of you that keep reminding me that it will get better eventually. I will try to hold on until then.

 

[fishbone]

@fishbone
From 1 to 10, 10 being super loud I would say my T is around a 7 or 8 most of the time. That is why its so hard to mask because it is not only loud but reactive. So if I play something like the sound of a waterfall, it turns into a 9. When I have to drive is when its at its worse. I sleep with two fan, a radio on and the tv, taking melatonin, clonazepam, and another sleep aid at night and maybe i can get a good 3 hours if im lucky.

30 years living with this would have driven me mad, especially since there has not been any real progress in treatment of tinnitus. I believe everyone when they say they have been where I am now and that it gets better. It helps me and gives me hope. But right now is right now. And right now I am where I am and its hell. I wish I could fast forward a year but I cant. Im still in shock, im still emotionally wrecked, im suicidal, depressed, and scared out of my mind. Im doing all I can to keep calm.

The hardest part for me isnt accepting it, its trying to justify the suffering. My life was pretty awful before, so is this really worth waking up to every day. What do I have in life that is so precious and meaningful that justifies this much misery. I have no real family support. I just lost my girlfriend. I have no kids. I dont enjoy much. Tinnitus has pretty much become my life. It has altered every aspect of my being. Its not the stress, im in agony. It is torturing. I think thats the part I can't fully explain to people. Its hard to relax because im struggling to find a way to get some kind of relief from it and sleep properly. A week ago I foolishly was banging my head against the wall. It was literally that bad. I felt my sanity leaving me. Its a grind and right now the two things I have is this forum and the clonazepam. The forum helps me take my mind off it even when im talking to others about it. Ive never had happiness. So having tinnitus did not take that away. I was content though. I doubt ill ever be again no matter what happens.

@hans799
My biggest fear is waking up and having a 3rd louder sound in my head. I think that would pretty much be the beginning of the end. I mean I would just blast music in my ears all day, get drunk, and take clonazepam and sleep aids and try to sleep 20 hours a day. Give T the middle finger, curse God, and laugh maniacally all the way to my grave. Im glad it has toned down for you. I think thats the hard part is trying to get used to multiple sounds, pitches, and levels of intensity.


@volsung37
I am taking eye drops and recently had a eye exam so ever since I first notice I was losing vision in my right eye it has not worsen. If I were to, i hope my left eye would not follow anytime soon. I had a dream I went blind. I honestly cant tell you which would be worse. Blindness or having Tinnitus. I think even if I couldnt see I could still imagine things, feel things, listen to talk shows and music. Play with my dog. It wouldnt be this constant harshness. I mean no doubt it would be severely traumatic but, I honestly would rather be blind in my right eye than have tinnitus. But I guess im just saying that now cos im in the beginning stages of this. I feel worser each day but I guess it gets worse before it gets better. So Im trusting and believing and thankful for all of you that keep reminding me that it will get better eventually. I will try to hold on until then.

That's a mistake many make, don't try to justify why you have it and keep dwelling on it. The more thought, you give to tinnitus, it will eat you up more. My tinnitus is at 10 24 7 and it is what it is. The more we fight it, the more it will fight back and tinnitus wins.

Relaxation is so important. I am anti meds and all natural and let my stress out by doing martial arts 5-7 times a week and walking almost everyday. Being out and seeing the world and nature does wonders against tinnitus. YES, nothing masks my tinnitus. I can walk by a busy freeway and my tinnitus is louder.

You gotta look at the good things in life!!!! I don't get much support for my tinnitus, i have a loud extended family with kids and my hearing is shit. I careless, i don't play the victim in this life. If i don't hear what they say (which it is most of the time)...I ask for them to repeat.

Life is still good bro, i have arthritis pain all over my body 24 7 and that doesn't stop me from doing my martial arts and once in a while i get hit in the face and other body parts. That doesn't stop me from walking almost everyday and being super fit. I have gastritis and acid reflux as well and it feel like my stomach and ribs are in pain 24 7...I don't care..I don't complain...I have accepted it and once you accept ANYTHING in life, then it will not eat you up and you can be at peace with it....

Its all about having a warrior mentality and saying that NOTHING in life can stop me. I will go on and be a warrior till god tells me that it's time to go to the afterlife.

Don't dwell on your pains and past, move on and accept it and don't try to justify anything, cause it does not help at all.

I was not born this way, life jaded me so so much, but that's ok. I am mentally so strong that , no tinnitus can ever make me throw in the towel......

 

[stophiss]

I completely share your mindset fishbone. I too share your warrior mindset. People still climb Everest after losing fingers to frostbite. Intrepid spirit. Why? Because life is a wonderful mystery. Tinnitus other than those acutely struck with overwhelming noise in their heads is minor.

And for those that struggle, perhaps profoundly...dream of that day when help will arrive and I believe it will within the next handful of years.

 

[Sam Bridge]

@ManApart: Lay down on your bed or go outside and sit on your porch and just listen to and observe your tinnitus. Recognize that the part of you doing the observing can still be calm and totally at peace, regardless of whatever the tinnitus is doing. Separate the tinnitus from the conscious observer. T can take your silence, but not your peace unless you allow it to.

That is actually something i noticed i do sometimes. Really glad someone else posted it

 

[Bobby]

I will say OP that suffering is an integral part of the human condition. Nobody escapes that and perhaps this fact escapes you. So why are some people happier than others? Because they more or less perhaps don't embrace suffering, but rather accept it as part of the bittersweet journey called life.

Good luck.

What a condescending, hateful, and demeaning thing to say to someone

 

[BLane]

That is actually something i noticed i do sometimes. Really glad someone else posted it

Thanks Sam. It sure helps with keeping one's sanity and giving some sense of power and control over this monster. I should have said "listen and observe without any judgement or emotional attachment to the T", because that's the key part.

 

[stophiss]

What a condescending, hateful, and demeaning thing to say to someone

And you are as dumb as a rock. How is that for condescending?...lol.
May I have another? Thanks for the laugh.

 

[fishbone]

I have to agree with stophiss on his comment. No one likes to suffer and we all want a wonderful life and just happiness and joy. I wish life was like that too, but suffering and pain is what humans go through and it is a part of life. If your skin is not tough and you cannot handle things, then life can be pretty harsh and not being able to handle things, makes it just worst. No one wishes bad stuff on others, i don't and stophiss doesn't either, but he is right. It is all part of life and the journey. Embracing the bad stuff in life can actually help you deal with them and not becoming a victim to it.....

Not accepting and constantly fighting elements in life , just holds you back and it will never help you....

 

[Bobby]

And you are as dumb as a rock. How is that for condescending?...lol.
May I have another? Thanks for the laugh.

Haha, keep digging yourself deeper, you pathetic little creep

 

[stophiss]

Haha, keep digging yourself deeper, you pathetic little creep

How's this?
The only difference between that rock I mentioned you were as dumb as....and you...is the rock doesn't have tinnitus...lol.

 

[stophiss]

I have to agree with stophiss on his comment. No one likes to suffer and we all want a wonderful life and just happiness and joy. I wish life was like that too, but suffering and pain is what humans go through and it is a part of life. If your skin is not tough and you cannot handle things, then life can be pretty harsh and not being able to handle things, makes it just worst. No one wishes bad stuff on others, i don't and stophiss doesn't either, but he is right. It is all part of life and the journey. Embracing the bad stuff in life can actually help you deal with them and not becoming a victim to it.....

Not accepting and constantly fighting elements in life , just holds you back and it will never help you....

Thanks fishbone. Well said...what my message was that went right over Bobby's pointy head who forgot his smart pill today.
Cheers.

 

[ManApart]

@fishbone
"It is what it is" thats like the mantra of my life. Its like a woman living with an abusive husband. The more you fight back the more he beats the crap out of her. I don't think reflecting back on my life and ascertaining the quality of it is a mistake. Things like this force you to. To see what went wrong and how you can learn from it and be better going forward. Each person experience their own version of hell. We cope different. We deal with trauma differently. And were not all as strong. Thats why I come here for support knowing that even when I try to be strong tinnitus is still beating the crap out of me. Even when I try to relax and be calm its still beating the crap out of me. As you said you gotta look at the good things in life. Or in my case, look for the good things in life. What do I have to hold on to, and what happens when you come to a realization that it aint much. Im not a victim, im just sick of being sick. Really cant stop and smell the roses when I have the worlds worst orchestra playing in my head 24/7. More power to the strong, the brave and the warriors on this forum. I envy them. Im not a warrior. Im just a simple man. I dont want my life to be a constant war. Fighting you health, fighting doctors, fighting insurance companies. Im far from weak. I have been through 10 lifetimes of trauma, abuse and heartbreak. But at a certain point, all of it, piled on top of another, starts to exceed your ability to cope.

I had this dream a long time ago I was fighting in a war. Fiercely, bravely, and patriotically. Then I had that moment when I stopped and looked at the hell around me. And all of a sudden, none of this made sense anymore. Nothing was worth all of this death and bloodshed. And that how I feel right now. That nothing is worth waking up to this noise in my head every day. So yeah, I hope I can habituate to it soon because choosing not to suffer needlessly and unnecessarily I dont think is quitting. It trying to just figure out if the ends justify the means.


@stophiss
Life is like climbing Everest. It hurts, it can be harsh and painful. But all at the same time its so exhilarating and if you stop and look around it can be so beautiful. Bu then you start getting frostbite, hypothermia, and coughing til your chest burns. The cold bites like it has teeth. The mountain gets steeper. And you keep falling. You get sicker and sicker. Now its not so beautiful. Now you just want to stay close to a warm fire. Your suffering and in all of this pain. And you realize, this is just a big ass rock, I dont want to live or die like this. The most profound mystery in all of the world to me is not life, its death. Suffering and pain is part of life... what if its all of life?


@BLane

Imagine your hand is on fire. Constantly. I just imagine someone saying to me, the flames can take your flesh, damage your nerves, and take away your ability to feel, but you still have your hand. What use is having a hand when you cant feel. What use is having a mind if you cant be at peace.


@Bobby

I didnt find anything condescending or demeaning at all. Were all sharing here and I am thankful for all of the encouraging words and advice given. We are all here to help and support each other whether we all agree or disagree with each others ways, words, or methods. Lets keep things cool. Were all here for each other and I appreciate everyone who have took time to message me.