- Nov 10, 2015
- 311
- Tinnitus Since
- 10/26/2015 (habituated) 5/13/2019
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Doxycycline (2015) Otimize ear drops [neomycin] (2019)
Hi all,
This one might be odd because I am writing this recovery story more to reassure myself than anyone else--but if it can be of benefit to others, all the better. I am currently suffering from a relapse of tinnitus and gearing up for the long, hard struggle of [re-]habituating to it, and so it is time to remind myself that life as I knew and loved it will come again. How do I know this? Because I already did it before.
In fall 2015 I was having some health issues due to a bad reaction to Cipro I had taken in May (unrelated but pro tip: never take fluroquinolones), was the most stressed I'd been in my life because of those health issues, and wound up taking some antibiotics (doxycycline, on the crackpot theory it was actually Lyme disease) and woke up 3 days into the course with a super high-pitched (~13 kHz) ringing in both my ears. The sort of ringing that's so high-pitched you hear it over pretty much everything.
The ringing never went away.
Was it the antibiotics? Was it the stress? Was it something else entirely? I'll never know (but that didn't stop me from beating myself up over it for months).
I was already pretty miserable due to the ongoing Cipro issues, but when tinnitus came along, the floor fell out. I entered into deep depression. I was barely eating or leaving the house, dependent on my white noise app, sitting in a toxic stew of anger, regret, shame, fear, and of course, the relentless and inescapable ringing.
Not surprisingly, I lost my job and I lost my then-girlfriend (cruelly, both in the same week).
I won't lie and say that's the moment I turned my life around--far from it. No, I did what I didn't even think was possible: sink even deeper into despair.
I remembered telling my family "I'm not suicidal, but I don't want to be alive anymore".
Eventually, I got a new job in a new city/country (London) and moved to start my life all over (hello neuroplasticity boost). At some point, the tinnitus ceased to bother me, and I ceased to hear it. It was always still there if I listened, but why would I? The only time I sometimes heard it was as I was getting into bed, and even then after a moment my brain wouldn't care and I would cease to hear it. I don't even have memories of places or situations in which I heard it because I was neither listening for it nor hearing it. Quiet waiting rooms, even sitting in a silent bathtub, I spent 99.9% of my time not hearing tinnitus, and 100% of my time not thinking about tinnitus. I had my life back. A month ago I realized I hadn't used the white noise app in "years" and uninstalled it in a moment of triumph (even if fate would have that triumph prove to be short-lived)
And life went great. I've been in London for 3 years and they were the best 3 years of my life. I was able to succeed in my job and find the love of my life whom I recently married.
I was, for all intents and purposes, cured. And yes, I believe habituation IS a cure. I could care less if some stupid squad of neurons is blaring on "YOU HAVE TINNITUS", as long as the rest of my neurons are politely ignoring it (like how everyone at the dinner table ignores crazy racist Uncle Pete at Christmas or something). It's really getting into philosophical territory like a tree falling in the woods but nobody hearing it...if I have tinnitus but don't hear it, do I for any useful purpose have it? No. That's what true habituation is. It's real, and it's spectacular.
----Act II----
Now, unfortunately, after a different health issue, lots of stress, and overdosing on otomize ear spray (why on earth to they take neomycin and put it directly into ears??
) I find myself once again with bilateral tinnitus caused by ototoxicity, stress, or both--this time at an even higher-pitch (~14 kHz, it's so high I have difficulty nailing it down with a tone generator because the speakers start getting wonky around that point).
I am once again in a phase of misery and despair, but taking solace in everyone's success stories once again, and now I can add my own recovery story to the list. I hope someday to write a second (and really, really have no need for a third!
). While I plan on re-habituating (hopefully more quickly this time around between experience and the more proactive BTS method), I'm encouraged by developments in regenerative medicine and neuromodulation.
This one might be odd because I am writing this recovery story more to reassure myself than anyone else--but if it can be of benefit to others, all the better. I am currently suffering from a relapse of tinnitus and gearing up for the long, hard struggle of [re-]habituating to it, and so it is time to remind myself that life as I knew and loved it will come again. How do I know this? Because I already did it before.
In fall 2015 I was having some health issues due to a bad reaction to Cipro I had taken in May (unrelated but pro tip: never take fluroquinolones), was the most stressed I'd been in my life because of those health issues, and wound up taking some antibiotics (doxycycline, on the crackpot theory it was actually Lyme disease) and woke up 3 days into the course with a super high-pitched (~13 kHz) ringing in both my ears. The sort of ringing that's so high-pitched you hear it over pretty much everything.
The ringing never went away.
Was it the antibiotics? Was it the stress? Was it something else entirely? I'll never know (but that didn't stop me from beating myself up over it for months).
I was already pretty miserable due to the ongoing Cipro issues, but when tinnitus came along, the floor fell out. I entered into deep depression. I was barely eating or leaving the house, dependent on my white noise app, sitting in a toxic stew of anger, regret, shame, fear, and of course, the relentless and inescapable ringing.
Not surprisingly, I lost my job and I lost my then-girlfriend (cruelly, both in the same week).
I won't lie and say that's the moment I turned my life around--far from it. No, I did what I didn't even think was possible: sink even deeper into despair.
I remembered telling my family "I'm not suicidal, but I don't want to be alive anymore".
Eventually, I got a new job in a new city/country (London) and moved to start my life all over (hello neuroplasticity boost). At some point, the tinnitus ceased to bother me, and I ceased to hear it. It was always still there if I listened, but why would I? The only time I sometimes heard it was as I was getting into bed, and even then after a moment my brain wouldn't care and I would cease to hear it. I don't even have memories of places or situations in which I heard it because I was neither listening for it nor hearing it. Quiet waiting rooms, even sitting in a silent bathtub, I spent 99.9% of my time not hearing tinnitus, and 100% of my time not thinking about tinnitus. I had my life back. A month ago I realized I hadn't used the white noise app in "years" and uninstalled it in a moment of triumph (even if fate would have that triumph prove to be short-lived)
And life went great. I've been in London for 3 years and they were the best 3 years of my life. I was able to succeed in my job and find the love of my life whom I recently married.
I was, for all intents and purposes, cured. And yes, I believe habituation IS a cure. I could care less if some stupid squad of neurons is blaring on "YOU HAVE TINNITUS", as long as the rest of my neurons are politely ignoring it (like how everyone at the dinner table ignores crazy racist Uncle Pete at Christmas or something). It's really getting into philosophical territory like a tree falling in the woods but nobody hearing it...if I have tinnitus but don't hear it, do I for any useful purpose have it? No. That's what true habituation is. It's real, and it's spectacular.
----Act II----
Now, unfortunately, after a different health issue, lots of stress, and overdosing on otomize ear spray (why on earth to they take neomycin and put it directly into ears??
) I find myself once again with bilateral tinnitus caused by ototoxicity, stress, or both--this time at an even higher-pitch (~14 kHz, it's so high I have difficulty nailing it down with a tone generator because the speakers start getting wonky around that point).I am once again in a phase of misery and despair, but taking solace in everyone's success stories once again, and now I can add my own recovery story to the list. I hope someday to write a second (and really, really have no need for a third!
). While I plan on re-habituating (hopefully more quickly this time around between experience and the more proactive BTS method), I'm encouraged by developments in regenerative medicine and neuromodulation.
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