All I Wanted Was to Be a Mom — My Vent Story of How Tinnitus Has Broken My Life

[Fightthearmy]

@ErikaS, the ENT is almost making it sound like that "little high ring" is gonna go away in mere months. If it eventually goes away or gets better, you've gotta be careful not to risk a new setback, which is the part where I messed up. After I developed bilateral tinnitus and hyperacusis in 2012, it took me 2-3 years to find life tolerable, and around the 6 year mark my tinnitus quickly became rather unnoticeable. A few years later I had become careless around loud noises and suddenly developed a second tinnitus.

The GPs think I oughta come up with ways to manage my stress, instead of taking leave from work. And they're quite right that stress plays a big part in it, but gave me no other indications than meditation and psychotherapy, both of which rub me the wrong way as there is really an opposition between studying and engaging in boring conversations with strangers. One GP issued me four paid days off, but said next time it's on me if I want to take leave from work. So essentially, I guess it's on me if I'm managing the stress and anger poorly, notwithstanding that I'm pretty much a teetotaller.

I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents although I don't really know what you're going through and I've never had symptoms of clinical depression. (If I would've had that, maybe I could have extended my clinically depressed partner a more appropriate emotional support. By the way, they don't help you with being this person... it's as if the best bet for the clinically depressed person always were not to assume the best of their partner...)

 

[attheedgeofscience]

If you read all of this, I truly appreciate you listening to my vent story. Things have only gotten harder recently, so I thought maybe if I turn to writing and sharing with those who understand my current state, it would be therapeutic. I'm not giving up, I have my frozen embryos to fight for and a life I love way too much to leave, but it doesn't change how utterly exhausted I am of this awful condition and how it hasn't turned a corner with reactivity and spiking, leaving me debilitated and a shell of who I used to be.

Back in 2013 when my tinnitus journey began, you could not visit any tinnitus community without hearing about AM-101. At some point I started digging into the science behind the drug and its mechanism-of-action on the NMDA receptors i.e. the ones that respond to glutamate (the primary neurotransmitter). The next big news story was Trobalt (and that thread is still going some 10 years later). Trobalt acts on the ion channels in the neurons and ensures that a proper nerve impulse is triggered. Anyway... at the time, together these two topics led me to read up on various publications shared on pubmed. As a consequence, I started seeing tinnitus through the prism of neurophysiology. Acquiring that knowledge, was somehow what got me out of my standoff with tinnitus. It taught me both "what to do" – and also – "what not to do"...

From a tinnitus perspective, there are obvious things to stay from like ototoxic drugs (e.g., wide-spectrum antibiotics). But what about painkillers (that contain salicylates) or certain antidepressants that regulate serotonin levels? As an example, SSRI medication was warned against in this article. But problematic substances aren't just found in medication: you can find salicylates in a number of different foods as well. And the spice MSG aka. monosodium glutamate (often hidden behind the innocent label "yeast extract" on content descriptions), is also a problem if a person has existing tinnitus. My very own tinnitus has been barely audible since 2016. But if I ever wake up in the morning and can sense a bit of extra "head noise" that eventually dissolves during during day, I can always trace it back to having (unknowingly) consumed food with MSG added to it.

So... what's the morale of the story? Be curious, educate yourself on neurophysiology and apply that knowledge to your own situation. Once you do, things will start to fall into place. Mind you, it's a process and not something that's achieved in an afternoon.

As always, remember: "Chance favours only the prepared mind" — Louis Pasteur, biologist

 

[ErikaS]

I am sorry to read about all the traumatic issues you have faced.

One thing that stands out for me is the microsuction you had. I have never heard of ear drops sticking to the eardrum and needing to be removed by microsuction which is typically used to remove wax. I had wax removed and some was sticking to my eardrum - the clinician would not risk puncturing my eardrum so he stopped with the microsuction and advised me to use olive oil to soften the remainder.

Still - as you say, you had an improvement - I guess that it worked out ok. I am just surprised that ear drops remained on the eardrum.

Hey @Stuart-T, sorry I am only responding now. The drops I had used were too much of an oil base and didn't have a "carrier" to help drain, and I used too much so it kind of built upon itself I guess. I too was so afraid that the microsuction had something to do with all of this, but the fact that the hyperacusis settled in a matter of 2-3 days and tinnitus didn't come on until the ear infection got out of hand, I was having a hard time putting anything against the microsuction, also because it was literally 5 seconds in each ear if that.

 

[twa]

Hey @Stuart-T, sorry I am only responding now. The drops I had used were too much of an oil base and didn't have a "carrier" to help drain, and I used too much so it kind of built upon itself I guess. I too was so afraid that the microsuction had something to do with all of this, but the fact that the hyperacusis settled in a matter of 2-3 days and tinnitus didn't come on until the ear infection got out of hand, I was having a hard time putting anything against the microsuction, also because it was literally 5 seconds in each ear if that.

I haven't ever posted my road to motherhood story. It is a very long one, 18 years in fact. I also went through infertility treatments and decided to stop after the doctor could not tell me the long-term effects of infertility treatments on the body. We decided to pursue adoption, which was a difficult road. We had several failed adoptions and then out of the blue, I was called to meet the agency at the hospital because they have a baby for us. My child is now 10 and I see how we never would have been placed with him had the first treatments worked out. Once the timing was right, everything fell into place without any effort on my part. I do believe he is my miracle baby.

 

[Lurius]

People who adopt have a special place in my heart, good on you @twa.

 

[Starthrower]

If you read all of this, I truly appreciate you listening to my vent story. Things have only gotten harder recently, so I thought maybe if I turn to writing and sharing with those who understand my current state, it would be therapeutic. I'm not giving up, I have my frozen embryos to fight for and a life I love way too much to leave, but it doesn't change how utterly exhausted I am of this awful condition and how it hasn't turned a corner with reactivity and spiking, leaving me debilitated and a shell of who I used to be.

@ErikaS, I understand completely. Please know time helps and also not giving up finding that path to walk. You will find that path. Sigh... it sucks. Took me a few years of venting and trying this and that for my tinnitus/hyperacusis.

How are you doing now?

 

[ErikaS]

@ErikaS, I understand completely. Please know time helps and also not giving up finding that path to walk. You will find that path. Sigh... it sucks. Took me a few years of venting and trying this and that for my tinnitus/hyperacusis.

How are you doing now?

Thank you for the words <3 Not great, unfortunately. I should have never gone away in early April to Mexico. Before that, my tinnitus and reactivity were not improving, but they had not worsened in 2-3 months. I had the same tinnitus sound presentation every day, no new tones, and I would reset in my sleep. Mexico changed all of that, so here I am worse off than I was 4 months ago.

 

[Starthrower]

Hi @ErikaS. So sorry your trip to Mexico set you back. Like @attheedgeofscience wrote, sometimes certain additives will seem to increase our head noise. I am not in any way a scientist, and some state, ingesting certain food or drinks will not have that effect. I believe it matters.

Probably in Mexico you were having different meals and such - and traveling increases stress in the early stage of tinnitus. Everything increased my noise levels back then. Or so it seemed. I hated when people would say these things never affect a person's tinnitus.

The good part of this is that this is temporary. It will again be the same for you and in time even less. Or your perception of it will be different.

I use a lot of guided meditation to help me. But it took time to get my life back.

You have been through so much.

Sorry it has been a really long time since I have been on this support site so my replies are a bit rusty. Just know you are not alone on this journey.

 

[ErikaS]

Hello Tinnitus Talk warriors and friends.

I just wanted to provide an update on me as I think it will be therapeutic to "type it out", be vulnerable, and know I am blessed to lean on this community when times are very, very hard.

If you read my initial post that started this thread, and as the title says, all I was trying to do was become a mother and have children with my husband. A very twisted and heartbreaking journey full of awful luck and crazy rarities is actually what led me to be part of this community. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, we have known each other for 19 years, and actually tomorrow (November 6th), is when he "asked me out" in 9th grade, a.k.a. to be his girlfriend. We dated off and on through high school and college, ended up getting married in 2017. We celebrated year 6 on July 22nd this year.

Well, this past May, my husband decided to secretly self-medicate against the depression, anger, resentment, and unprocessed grief that had built up from what life had thrown at us in such a short amount of time. The unfortunate thing is my husband's brain cannot handle marijuana. He has a family history of bipolar I, and although he never displayed bipolar at baseline, he had two previous life events where he entered a manic mental state due to smoking weed. If anyone has any idea what mania is or what it can do to an individual and their loved ones, it is complete and utter chaos and destruction. This is unfortunately what happened.

He smoked a weed pen daily for 3 months. I of course had my suspicions, especially around beginning of July, but being in my debilitated state and trying to survive the worst condition of my life, I just couldn't "mother" or "police" him this time around. Nor should I have had to. Anyway, things actually blew up on our anniversary in July, and if I told you all of the gory details of what transpired over the next 3-4 months, you'd think I got it out of some book. This person who was supposed to protect me, support me, and be there for me turned on me and abandoned me in the worst way a "man" could. He set fire to our marriage, family relationships, etc. I tried EVERYTHING I could to try to get him to realize that he was not okay and that he needed help, but when you're public enemy number 1 to them, they don't want to see or speak to you, let alone listen to you. Furthermore, I did not have a strong, united front of support and attempt to intervene from his family. So, he just carried on in his manic mind and ways while I tried to not end up in the hospital or mental ward myself every day.

He filed for divorce 4 weeks ago. He wants nothing to do with me or our 3 embryos on ice that we fought so hard for and that I literally lost reproductive organs for in the process, and he is telling me to "go have them with someone else". So here I am, grieving the sudden loss of my husband because I have not talked to or seen the guy I loved and married since end of June. Mania can change a person completely. The person he is now is unrecognizable to me, he's a stranger and a completely uncaring, ruthless narcissistic one at that. I am grieving the sudden loss of my marriage and the future I was fighting SO hard for, grieving my safe space with him in our home, all the while my ears play multiple electric tones that react to all sounds in my environment. There is so much more to this unbelievable story, but just know I would not be here typing this if it weren't for my side of the family, amazing friends, and my refusal to not let this FUCKING SHIT in my life end me. Believe me, passive suicidal thoughts became frequent and I told my family at least every other day that I wanted to stick knives in my ears and "just end it". But I am still a faithful person somehow, and as long as I am breathing I will continue to fight for my right to live a life I deserve. A life that allows me to work in some capacity, enjoy the small things, find some enjoyment and happiness again, and ultimately some kind of freaking peace. I would love to eventually find someone else and possibly have a family, but for now I need to only focus on me and heal me in the many ways that I need healing.

I am starting with a new therapist this coming Thursday and I have never been so intrigued and excited to start a therapy. She is trained in Brainspotting, which is fascinating if you have the want or time to look into it. I am also looking into decreasing excess Glutamate and eventually getting off the Ativan so I can get back to a healthy GABA:Glutamate ratio. This has been my own research lately and I have two very good practitioners to really get into this with me and help me. My two "goals" are to reduce excess Glutamate, and rebuild cell health. I feel if I can do this, I may be able to calm the over excitatory crap and help my neurons function better. While we sit around and wait for the world to give a shit about us and get something available, I will try to do what I can in the meantime.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate you all more than you know. <3

 

[DeanD]

Hello Tinnitus Talk warriors and friends.

I just wanted to provide an update on me as I think it will be therapeutic to "type it out", be vulnerable, and know I am blessed to lean on this community when times are very, very hard.

If you read my initial post that started this thread, and as the title says, all I was trying to do was become a mother and have children with my husband. A very twisted and heartbreaking journey full of awful luck and crazy rarities is actually what led me to be part of this community. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, we have known each other for 19 years, and actually tomorrow (November 6th), is when he "asked me out" in 9th grade, a.k.a. to be his girlfriend. We dated off and on through high school and college, ended up getting married in 2017. We celebrated year 6 on July 22nd this year.

Well, this past May, my husband decided to secretly self-medicate against the depression, anger, resentment, and unprocessed grief that had built up from what life had thrown at us in such a short amount of time. The unfortunate thing is my husband's brain cannot handle marijuana. He has a family history of bipolar I, and although he never displayed bipolar at baseline, he had two previous life events where he entered a manic mental state due to smoking weed. If anyone has any idea what mania is or what it can do to an individual and their loved ones, it is complete and utter chaos and destruction. This is unfortunately what happened.

He smoked a weed pen daily for 3 months. I of course had my suspicions, especially around beginning of July, but being in my debilitated state and trying to survive the worst condition of my life, I just couldn't "mother" or "police" him this time around. Nor should I have had to. Anyway, things actually blew up on our anniversary in July, and if I told you all of the gory details of what transpired over the next 3-4 months, you'd think I got it out of some book. This person who was supposed to protect me, support me, and be there for me turned on me and abandoned me in the worst way a "man" could. He set fire to our marriage, family relationships, etc. I tried EVERYTHING I could to try to get him to realize that he was not okay and that he needed help, but when you're public enemy number 1 to them, they don't want to see or speak to you, let alone listen to you. Furthermore, I did not have a strong, united front of support and attempt to intervene from his family. So, he just carried on in his manic mind and ways while I tried to not end up in the hospital or mental ward myself every day.

He filed for divorce 4 weeks ago. He wants nothing to do with me or our 3 embryos on ice that we fought so hard for and that I literally lost reproductive organs for in the process, and he is telling me to "go have them with someone else". So here I am, grieving the sudden loss of my husband because I have not talked to or seen the guy I loved and married since end of June. Mania can change a person completely. The person he is now is unrecognizable to me, he's a stranger and a completely uncaring, ruthless narcissistic one at that. I am grieving the sudden loss of my marriage and the future I was fighting SO hard for, grieving my safe space with him in our home, all the while my ears play multiple electric tones that react to all sounds in my environment. There is so much more to this unbelievable story, but just know I would not be here typing this if it weren't for my side of the family, amazing friends, and my refusal to not let this FUCKING SHIT in my life end me. Believe me, passive suicidal thoughts became frequent and I told my family at least every other day that I wanted to stick knives in my ears and "just end it". But I am still a faithful person somehow, and as long as I am breathing I will continue to fight for my right to live a life I deserve. A life that allows me to work in some capacity, enjoy the small things, find some enjoyment and happiness again, and ultimately some kind of freaking peace. I would love to eventually find someone else and possibly have a family, but for now I need to only focus on me and heal me in the many ways that I need healing.

I am starting with a new therapist this coming Thursday and I have never been so intrigued and excited to start a therapy. She is trained in Brainspotting, which is fascinating if you have the want or time to look into it. I am also looking into decreasing excess Glutamate and eventually getting off the Ativan so I can get back to a healthy GABA:Glutamate ratio. This has been my own research lately and I have two very good practitioners to really get into this with me and help me. My two "goals" are to reduce excess Glutamate, and rebuild cell health. I feel if I can do this, I may be able to calm the over excitatory crap and help my neurons function better. While we sit around and wait for the world to give a shit about us and get something available, I will try to do what I can in the meantime.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate you all more than you know. <3

Oh @ErikaS, that is so sad and so heartbreaking.

There are many memes and quotes written about how everything we survive makes us stronger, and I believed that, until this awful wretched condition set in.

I myself had a relationship breakup earlier this year 100% because of this 'illness' as we were in a very good place beforehand (reactive tinnitus and now what is, after months and months of consultants and tests, looking likely to be FND brought on by the microsuction) so I do know what this feels like.

I have read thousands more posts on here than probably I should have done, but from your very first message, which was a similar time to mine, I found someone that I could probably more relate and resonate to than most - especially that the reactivity is the hardest part (which no one without reactivity would understand).

You, to me at least, are a fighter.

I know whatever this crazy world throws at you, you're going to fight - and ultimately will succeed. In fact, if there was one person on here that finds a solution to their reactivity, I'd probably have my money on you!

I hope the new therapist, and solutions they offer can help calm your system and reactivity down.

I'm sure you probably have an amazing support network around you with friends and family, and just as many friends on here that truly understand what you are going through to lean on too.

Sending hugs and well wishes!

 

[Pinhead]

Hello Tinnitus Talk warriors and friends.

I just wanted to provide an update on me as I think it will be therapeutic to "type it out", be vulnerable, and know I am blessed to lean on this community when times are very, very hard.

If you read my initial post that started this thread, and as the title says, all I was trying to do was become a mother and have children with my husband. A very twisted and heartbreaking journey full of awful luck and crazy rarities is actually what led me to be part of this community. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, we have known each other for 19 years, and actually tomorrow (November 6th), is when he "asked me out" in 9th grade, a.k.a. to be his girlfriend. We dated off and on through high school and college, ended up getting married in 2017. We celebrated year 6 on July 22nd this year.

Well, this past May, my husband decided to secretly self-medicate against the depression, anger, resentment, and unprocessed grief that had built up from what life had thrown at us in such a short amount of time. The unfortunate thing is my husband's brain cannot handle marijuana. He has a family history of bipolar I, and although he never displayed bipolar at baseline, he had two previous life events where he entered a manic mental state due to smoking weed. If anyone has any idea what mania is or what it can do to an individual and their loved ones, it is complete and utter chaos and destruction. This is unfortunately what happened.

He smoked a weed pen daily for 3 months. I of course had my suspicions, especially around beginning of July, but being in my debilitated state and trying to survive the worst condition of my life, I just couldn't "mother" or "police" him this time around. Nor should I have had to. Anyway, things actually blew up on our anniversary in July, and if I told you all of the gory details of what transpired over the next 3-4 months, you'd think I got it out of some book. This person who was supposed to protect me, support me, and be there for me turned on me and abandoned me in the worst way a "man" could. He set fire to our marriage, family relationships, etc. I tried EVERYTHING I could to try to get him to realize that he was not okay and that he needed help, but when you're public enemy number 1 to them, they don't want to see or speak to you, let alone listen to you. Furthermore, I did not have a strong, united front of support and attempt to intervene from his family. So, he just carried on in his manic mind and ways while I tried to not end up in the hospital or mental ward myself every day.

He filed for divorce 4 weeks ago. He wants nothing to do with me or our 3 embryos on ice that we fought so hard for and that I literally lost reproductive organs for in the process, and he is telling me to "go have them with someone else". So here I am, grieving the sudden loss of my husband because I have not talked to or seen the guy I loved and married since end of June. Mania can change a person completely. The person he is now is unrecognizable to me, he's a stranger and a completely uncaring, ruthless narcissistic one at that. I am grieving the sudden loss of my marriage and the future I was fighting SO hard for, grieving my safe space with him in our home, all the while my ears play multiple electric tones that react to all sounds in my environment. There is so much more to this unbelievable story, but just know I would not be here typing this if it weren't for my side of the family, amazing friends, and my refusal to not let this FUCKING SHIT in my life end me. Believe me, passive suicidal thoughts became frequent and I told my family at least every other day that I wanted to stick knives in my ears and "just end it". But I am still a faithful person somehow, and as long as I am breathing I will continue to fight for my right to live a life I deserve. A life that allows me to work in some capacity, enjoy the small things, find some enjoyment and happiness again, and ultimately some kind of freaking peace. I would love to eventually find someone else and possibly have a family, but for now I need to only focus on me and heal me in the many ways that I need healing.

I am starting with a new therapist this coming Thursday and I have never been so intrigued and excited to start a therapy. She is trained in Brainspotting, which is fascinating if you have the want or time to look into it. I am also looking into decreasing excess Glutamate and eventually getting off the Ativan so I can get back to a healthy GABA:Glutamate ratio. This has been my own research lately and I have two very good practitioners to really get into this with me and help me. My two "goals" are to reduce excess Glutamate, and rebuild cell health. I feel if I can do this, I may be able to calm the over excitatory crap and help my neurons function better. While we sit around and wait for the world to give a shit about us and get something available, I will try to do what I can in the meantime.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate you all more than you know. <3

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing all of this. You have an incredible amount of strength. Know that I'll be thinking of you. Be sure to keep us all updated.

 

[4Grace]

My God, @ErikaS, you are incredible. The strength and heart of a lion. I honestly will forever think of you and your story. I have never shared my full story but I can tell you that I can relate for different but some of the same reasons. People like you are deserving of so much better in life. You are deserving of a true miracle. Just a few simple words capture your spirit. You mention you were a great aunt. I believe it. I could write a book admiring you and your words. Shows so much strength, character and every other word that describes the virtue of being a beautiful human. These are not just words. Keep fighting. I am so happy you are seeking help and taking steps to continue the fight for your life. You are a true inspiration.