Another Musician with Tinnitus

[addot]

Hello guys, this is my first post here. I am a 23 yr old musician. In 2013 i went to a free concert with some friends, we stood right in front of the stage for quite a while. Got mild T from that day on, but as the year went on my ears got better and better. In 2014, i would rate my T at about 2: only really noticeable on absolute silence and barely an issue. So i stopped being careful. In 2014 i played a gig and forgot to use hearing protection. This not only worsened my T but gave me "distorted" hearing on certain frequencies. I was devastated for a long time, but went back to using hearing protection regularly and eventually learned to cope with it somewhat.

I am in the process of recording an album, and last friday my T spiked again. I was recording guitars, had sound isolating headphones on, but after the session i felt a slight dullness in my right ear. I hope this is only temporary, but i am really scared...

This episode made me think a lot about my future as a musician and my relationship with music. Prior to my T I remember how much I enjoyed listening to music. There was no discomfort, no worrying about anything. After the T, it's a struggle. I can't say it ruined it 100%, I try my best to keep a positive attitude but sometimes the feeling of "I wish i didn't have to deal with this" is too much.

Music is everything i have. Writing and performing make me so happy, it's the only thing i picture myself doing honestly. The thought of having to give it up horrifies me. At the same time, i am scared about worsening my T as I get older to the point where i can't enjoy listening or performing anymore. Right now I'm feeling really depressed and hopeless about my future. There's so much going on with my mind, even after writing all of this i feel i can't properly convey how utterly disoriented and lost i am feeling

I'd like to ask two things if i could:

1 - How do you guys forgive yourselves? I read something in this forum that really stuck me: "you can't blame yourself now for something you didn't know back then. If you knew that concert would have given you T, you wouldn't have gone". This is really solid advice, and I try to repeat this to myself whenever i go down on one of my guilt trips, but even after all this while i couldn't really forgive myself for good.

2 - Any musicians who kept going despite of T? When I searched this forums, most of the stories I came across devastated me. I saw many musicians saying they couldn't enjoy it anymore the way they used to and had to quit playing/performing.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. With T there are good days and bad days. I understand that this is probably just a rough patch, but right now I feel truly hopeless.

 

[slipware]

I'm sorry you've had reason to join us here. I honestly wouldn't wish tinnitus on an enemy. But be positive. Check out Coldplays Chris Martin. Will i Am, Boy George, Phil Collins. All great musicians with tinnitus. It's really not the end of your world. Just protect your ears, proper musicians earplugs. Don't let this setback stop you. Just don't risk any more damage. Enjoy your music.

 

[Marijana]

I'm not a musician but music is really important to me and despite this "gorgeous music" in my ears I still enjoy listening to music. That's something that no one and nothing will take away from me!

1 - How do you guys forgive yourselves?

There is nothing to forgive, remember that! *hit happens, that's life

Writing and performing make me so happy

Never, but never give up on something that makes you happy. As slipware said there are many sucessful musicians that despite tinnitus are living their dream. Just do a research on how to protect yourself on a highest level and make some awesome music!

i am scared about worsening my T as I get older

It's ok to FEEL worried about your future, but don't LIVE your present worrying because you will lose yourself along the way. Most of the things you worry about at the end turn out well..am I right?

 

[addot]

Thanks for answering this post. Unfortunately my setback is still here, still feeling the dullness in my right ear. I am back to square one: monitoring my T all the time, sinking into depression. Day after day I wake up hoping that my T goes back to where it was, but it stays the same. Feeling suicidal sometimes. Still, trying to hang on the best I can.

I'm sorry you've had reason to join us here. I honestly wouldn't wish tinnitus on an enemy. But be positive. Check out Coldplays Chris Martin. Will i Am, Boy George, Phil Collins. All great musicians with tinnitus. It's really not the end of your world. Just protect your ears, proper musicians earplugs. Don't let this setback stop you. Just don't risk any more damage. Enjoy your music.

This gives me hope, thank you!

I'm not a musician but music is really important to me and despite this "gorgeous music" in my ears I still enjoy listening to music. That's something that no one and nothing will take away from me!

There is nothing to forgive, remember that! *hit happens, that's life

Never, but never give up on something that makes you happy. As slipware said there are many sucessful musicians that despite tinnitus are living their dream. Just do a research on how to protect yourself on a highest level and make some awesome music!

It's ok to FEEL worried about your future, but don't LIVE your present worrying because you will lose yourself along the way. Most of the things you worry about at the end turn out well..am I right?

Thanks, I am trying to carry on with my life, but it is a struggle uphill. I am taking a break from music/headphones/loud noises to give my ears some rest. Hoping that brighter days will come.

 

[Jomo]

As a drummer all i can say is take a long break and invest in CUSTOM ** musician ear plugs. I havent played since onset but i will one day. I dont regret anything and if i would have known about it of course i would have been more careful but unfortunatly the world we live in is stupid. For all the people who have it i will never understand why its not a more talked about thing.

 

[VRZ78]

I think you should continue but get good modeled earplugs with high db reductions like the ACS 26 and QUIT USING HEADPHONES. Also if you listen above 60 db try to limit the duration of listening.

I am like you say at the point where I have so many distortions and reactive T that listening to music isn't really a pleasure anymore... I still listen to some because I think otherwise I would be gone already. If you're cautious there isn't really a reason for it to worsen permanently.

Grimes also has quit a bad T with hearing loss and is making awesome music. The worse really is distorted hearing though.

 

[GregCA]

I (drummer) keep going. I'm quite careful about the volume on my headphones, even if, ironically, my T isn't noise induced. I tend to not focus so much on my T when I play, so that's a nice feeling. So far I haven't noticed any impact on my T.

 

[addot]

To everyone who answered this thread: thank you. Reading your messages made me feel less alone and encouraged me to keep going. I really do appreciate it!

I still feel some clogging in my ears, but I went to the ENT and started taking prednisolone yesterday - it really helped my in my past spikes, maybe it helps again.

The biggest change, however, was mentally. I got back to listening to music and playing guitar in low volumes, and when I did it I couldn't notice the muffling. Good to know that if there is in fact any further damage, it's not much worse that it was before. That was my biggest fear, and overcoming it took a huge weight off my shoulders. I don't feel suicidal urges anymore.

Still, I hope the muffling is temporary and goes away in a week's time. My ears are still a little sensitive... maybe all they need is time to heal again.

 

[addot]

As a drummer all i can say is take a long break and invest in CUSTOM ** musician ear plugs. I havent played since onset but i will one day. I dont regret anything and if i would have known about it of course i would have been more careful but unfortunatly the world we live in is stupid. For all the people who have it i will never understand why its not a more talked about thing.

I'll sure try some Westone custom fitted earplugs. Do you have any experience with them? I like my ER-20's but don't find them to be neutral sounding at all... still, better than regular plugs for sure. I am also moving past regret, if ever so slightly. It's been a ride. Thanks!

I think you should continue but get good modeled earplugs with high db reductions like the ACS 26 and QUIT USING HEADPHONES. Also if you listen above 60 db try to limit the duration of listening.

I am like you say at the point where I have so many distortions and reactive T that listening to music isn't really a pleasure anymore... I still listen to some because I think otherwise I would be gone already. If you're cautious there isn't really a reason for it to worsen permanently.

Grimes also has quit a bad T with hearing loss and is making awesome music. The worse really is distorted hearing though.

Yeah, I think the headphones fucked me in this case. I had my Sennheisers HD 280 for monitoring, I thought they'd protect me from the amp's volume but I think I turned them up too much. Grimes and Neil Young are two of my biggest inspirations to keep going on right now. Also Peter Townshend: the guy made some of The Who's best music while being deaf in one ear!

The distortions are really the worst part though. I can't give up music, but I think i'll never get used to them. It feels like walking with a ball and chain strapped to your feet: you eventually learn how to walk again, but sometimes you can't help but get pissed off at the weight holding you back. Still, prior to this spike, I had mostly good days.

I (drummer) keep going. I'm quite careful about the volume on my headphones, even if, ironically, my T isn't noise induced. I tend to not focus so much on my T when I play, so that's a nice feeling. So far I haven't noticed any impact on my T.

Getting back to playing really did a world of difference to me, as it shifted the focus from my constant monitoring and worrying about the muffling. Thanks!

 

[Jomo]

I'll sure try some Westone custom fitted earplugs. Do you have any experience with them? I like my ER-20's but don't find them to be neutral sounding at all... still, better than regular plugs for sure. I am also moving past regret, if ever so slightly. It's been a ride. Thanks!



Yeah, I think the headphones fucked me in this case. I had my Sennheisers HD 280 for monitoring, I thought they'd protect me from the amp's volume but I think I turned them up too much. Grimes and Neil Young are two of my biggest inspirations to keep going on right now. Also Peter Townshend: the guy made some of The Who's best music while being deaf in one ear!

The distortions are really the worst part though. I can't give up music, but I think i'll never get used to them. It feels like walking with a ball and chain strapped to your feet: you eventually learn how to walk again, but sometimes you can't help but get pissed off at the weight holding you back. Still, prior to this spike, I had mostly good days.



Getting back to playing really did a world of difference to me, as it shifted the focus from my constant monitoring and worrying about the muffling. Thanks!

That is the exact pair i got...i take them everywhere with me and am in NYC where the noise never stops..i cant compare them to any other type of plugs out there because the only ones i used before this were the cheap foam ones but i will say i am very happy with them.

 

[addot]

Well, It's been a week since the spike. The dullness is still more or less the same. Sometimes I also feel slight hotness and pressure in the inner ear. Still I am determined to wait at least another week before I freak out about whether or not this is going to be permanent.

The guilt/regret is the most nerve-wrecking thing for me right now. I just can't fight it. I keep thinking about the 2014 gig (the one I played without protection and permanently made my T worse) and my mind just turns itself on me: "you swore you would take better care of your ears", "why did you put that gig over your own well being" and so on. I know how pointless and ultimately illogical it is to dwell on this, but the best I can do is try not to think about it (mostly through gaming - it helps a lot!). Trying to face it head on only makes me think about how I hurt my own ears and will (probably) never be able to hear music the way I used to etc etc etc...

Still, the conclusion that I can't deal with this alone is an important one, and I have decided to seek a therapist. This isn't something I am comfortable with... I had bad experiences with therapists in the past and to be honest I am a bit defensive about trying it again, but I gotta try. It's either this or regret and possibly self-harm down the line, and I'm getting tired of being down.

 

[SilverSpiral]

Hello guys, this is my first post here. I am a 23 yr old musician. In 2013 i went to a free concert with some friends, we stood right in front of the stage for quite a while. Got mild T from that day on, but as the year went on my ears got better and better. In 2014, i would rate my T at about 2: only really noticeable on absolute silence and barely an issue. So i stopped being careful. In 2014 i played a gig and forgot to use hearing protection. This not only worsened my T but gave me "distorted" hearing on certain frequencies. I was devastated for a long time, but went back to using hearing protection regularly and eventually learned to cope with it somewhat.

I am in the process of recording an album, and last friday my T spiked again. I was recording guitars, had sound isolating headphones on, but after the session i felt a slight dullness in my right ear. I hope this is only temporary, but i am really scared...

This episode made me think a lot about my future as a musician and my relationship with music. Prior to my T I remember how much I enjoyed listening to music. There was no discomfort, no worrying about anything. After the T, it's a struggle. I can't say it ruined it 100%, I try my best to keep a positive attitude but sometimes the feeling of "I wish i didn't have to deal with this" is too much.

Music is everything i have. Writing and performing make me so happy, it's the only thing i picture myself doing honestly. The thought of having to give it up horrifies me. At the same time, i am scared about worsening my T as I get older to the point where i can't enjoy listening or performing anymore. Right now I'm feeling really depressed and hopeless about my future. There's so much going on with my mind, even after writing all of this i feel i can't properly convey how utterly disoriented and lost i am feeling

I'd like to ask two things if i could:

1 - How do you guys forgive yourselves? I read something in this forum that really stuck me: "you can't blame yourself now for something you didn't know back then. If you knew that concert would have given you T, you wouldn't have gone". This is really solid advice, and I try to repeat this to myself whenever i go down on one of my guilt trips, but even after all this while i couldn't really forgive myself for good.

2 - Any musicians who kept going despite of T? When I searched this forums, most of the stories I came across devastated me. I saw many musicians saying they couldn't enjoy it anymore the way they used to and had to quit playing/performing.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. With T there are good days and bad days. I understand that this is probably just a rough patch, but right now I feel truly hopeless.

Did your friends get T from the same show?

 

[Aries]

going through the same thing right now. Also a musician.
Im on my 3rd week of spike right now... I hope its a spike and not my permanent new baseline.
My head feels like it will explode any minute i "miss" my last baseline

 

[addot]

Did your friends get T from the same show?

No, only I got the lucky ticket. Beats me to this day.

 

[addot]

Today I woke up and the pressure/fullness in my ears was gone... but in a couple of hours they came back with a vengeance. Still very sensitive to sound, and bursts of noise further muffle my hearing for a couple mins. I hope this isn't reactive T.

I can't stay in complete silence cause my T drives me nuts, now I also can't listen to music for too long, I keep thinking about how muffled my ears are. Last night/this morning i was feeling so hopeful, now I'm pretty much back to feeling awful. Anyone also experienced these setbacks when recovering from a spike?

 

[Capricornus]

It sounds like H to me. Don't worry, your ears are extremely sensitive right now and setbacks are common. Recovery can be slow, so protect your ears from loud sounds and give your ears a rest. If you feel like your ears are "closing up" when listening to music it probably means that they can't handle it right now. But as time passes you will be able to tolerate more and more! Hang in there!

 

[4thwisemonkey]

Hello guys, this is my first post here. I am a 23 yr old musician. In 2013 i went to a free concert with some friends, we stood right in front of the stage for quite a while. Got mild T from that day on, but as the year went on my ears got better and better. In 2014, i would rate my T at about 2: only really noticeable on absolute silence and barely an issue. So i stopped being careful. In 2014 i played a gig and forgot to use hearing protection. This not only worsened my T but gave me "distorted" hearing on certain frequencies. I was devastated for a long time, but went back to using hearing protection regularly and eventually learned to cope with it somewhat.

I am in the process of recording an album, and last friday my T spiked again. I was recording guitars, had sound isolating headphones on, but after the session i felt a slight dullness in my right ear. I hope this is only temporary, but i am really scared...

This episode made me think a lot about my future as a musician and my relationship with music. Prior to my T I remember how much I enjoyed listening to music. There was no discomfort, no worrying about anything. After the T, it's a struggle. I can't say it ruined it 100%, I try my best to keep a positive attitude but sometimes the feeling of "I wish i didn't have to deal with this" is too much.

Music is everything i have. Writing and performing make me so happy, it's the only thing i picture myself doing honestly. The thought of having to give it up horrifies me. At the same time, i am scared about worsening my T as I get older to the point where i can't enjoy listening or performing anymore. Right now I'm feeling really depressed and hopeless about my future. There's so much going on with my mind, even after writing all of this i feel i can't properly convey how utterly disoriented and lost i am feeling

I'd like to ask two things if i could:

1 - How do you guys forgive yourselves? I read something in this forum that really stuck me: "you can't blame yourself now for something you didn't know back then. If you knew that concert would have given you T, you wouldn't have gone". This is really solid advice, and I try to repeat this to myself whenever i go down on one of my guilt trips, but even after all this while i couldn't really forgive myself for good.

2 - Any musicians who kept going despite of T? When I searched this forums, most of the stories I came across devastated me. I saw many musicians saying they couldn't enjoy it anymore the way they used to and had to quit playing/performing.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. With T there are good days and bad days. I understand that this is probably just a rough patch, but right now I feel truly hopeless.

just joined got a spark 25 db boost pedal for xmas I'm 46 and hello to this tin thing

 

[addot]

2 months since my last spike.

My right ear still feels clogged. H has gotten a little better but the fullness in the right ear makes it impossible for me to enjoy music.

I wish I could say I improved. Even in my best days, the thought of having to quit performing lingers on and on in my head. Still, a quick stroll through these forums tells me this is probably the best thing to do, or else I risk damaging my ears even further. I'm afraid that, even if I'm extra careful, always wearing -25dB ear plugs, my T and H (and now possible hearing damage) will worsen over time.

I am in the start of my career, in the midst of recording my second album. I play bass in another band and we're finishing recording our first album. It's like life has played a sick joke on me, forcing me to give up what I love the most even though I have the talent and the passion to do it.

I know I'm repeating myself, but i just can't reconcile these two thoughts (wanting to be a musician vs probably having to give it up). I can't. It does my head in. I can't put this feeling to words strongly enough.

The options laid out for me are, as good old Neil said, to burn out, keeping on with my music while risking further damage, or to fade away, giving it up to do something else and getting to lead an unhappy life. Neither of those seem desirable to me. I don't know, guys. These last two months have been hell. I am at a loss

 

[GregCA]

@addot - Have you had an audiogram done? What does it look like?

 

[raymundo2245]

The guy from a famous band Coldplay has it and still performs, he uses somekind of ear plugs to keep up with its shows, you migbt wana loom into it but i would rather give it up if i was on time to get rid of my tinnitus, it aint worth the ears pal, i hate my T but im stuck with it!...so think about it and read about the guy from Coldplay band, it may help you to keep up with your dream, good luck and God bless you!

 

[Abby W]

I got T after a concert 6 years ago. One of the venues near me had a terrible sound system and I was there almost every week for a show and after one concert my ears just kept ringing. When I asked my doctor what I should do the first thing he said was "stop going to concerts", yeah like that would ever happen! For musicians and music lovers I think its hard for us to give it up. I continue to go to shows 6 years later but find myself staying far away from the speakers and my T still spikes for a few days after but I deal with it. Just remember lots of musicians have it and continue with music. It comes down to how you feel. You will most likely always have T, so why not continue doing something you love?

Hope this helped a bit!

 

[Bobby B]

Ours ears were designed 10,000 years ago for the noise level at that time

All these concerts , clubs , portable devices etc.. exceed the design specification of those ears - that's the issue

Maybe in another 10,000 years ears will be more durable based on new requirements but not our generation

 

[addot]

@addot - Have you had an audiogram done? What does it look like?

I've had it. "Normal hearing", but I know my right ear is off. Snare drum hits are especially revealing, I always hear them slightly panned to the left... even when panned dead center. Also I've been noticing H and T are slightly worse in my right ear.

Audiograms mean very little to T and H sufferers. I suspect they are a bad indicator all around, actually. I hope one day the medical community stop using them as indicators of perfectly healthy ears, and stop saying that classic "there's nothing wrong with your ears" BS we know so well

 

[addot]

I have decided to quit music.

I made this decision yesterday. As H was the deciding factor, I made a post explaining this situation in the Hyperacusis section of the forums. This is, after all, just an introduction thread.

Thank you guys for your support and encouraging messages!

 

[GregCA]

Audiograms mean very little to T and H sufferers. I suspect they are a bad indicator all around, actually. I hope one day the medical community stop using them as indicators of perfectly healthy ears, and stop saying that classic "there's nothing wrong with your ears" BS we know so well

They aren't great tools indeed.
Having a perfect audiogram is a necessary condition for having perfect hearing, but it's not a sufficient condition.

 

[Bobby B]

I think it's a wise decision - you are still young with lots of different career opportunities ahead that can make for a happy life .

Lots of opportunites to make hearing worse as well compared to an older guy.

Even in ideal case of T not getting worse due to music , frankly who wants a job where constantly wearing ear protection all year long is a requirement ?
And wearing plugs makes hearing loud T all the time as well. Not fun unless perhaps the musician is making millions in revenues

 

[addot]

Almost 7 months have passed since I last posted here, and 9 months since my latest spike. I wish I could say I was much better, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I tried sound therapy, went through it for 2 months, but I'm pretty sure it made my tinnitus worse: in addition to a hissing, a low rumble and a very high pitched sound, there is now a medium/medium-high pitched whistle. Fullness in the right ear is just as it was.

I am trying my best to live my life normally, or at least as normally as I can due to my condition, but it is still, after all this time, a daily struggle for me. I just feel so fragile. I have do good moments where my mind is distracted, but otherwise I am constantly thinking about my clogged up right ear, how much I miss listening to and playing music, how stupid I was to not only get T in the first place but for injuring my ears further repeatedly through the years, and for trusting the doctors/family members/friends who encouraged me to seek sound therapy. My mood just changes a lot through the day, but it is as if my baseline mood was depressed and hopeless, and feeling good (or just feeling ok for that matter) is the exception.

I refrained from seeking psychiatric help up until this point for fear of worsening my T and H. I thought with constant exercise and time things would settle, but seven months have passed, I have moved to another city, gotten a new and exciting job opportunity, but I'm just as miserable. Everything seems hollow. I don't feel suicidal (yay i guess?), but I still feel living with this is just too much to bear. What keeps me going is that 1) maybe T and H will settle with a lot of time (maybe another year? or 2?) and 2) I'm still young, and potential methods to relieve T & H are being developed. But this time I'll seek a psychiatrist and ask for some Remeron... I have heard that this is a safe SSRI in regards to tinnitus.

I wish I could have better news. The fact that so much time has passed and I'm still back to baseline crushes me, honestly. But yeah. I try my best no think about it very much, not to let my fucked up ears rule my life, but, as you can see, I'm clearly not doing that great of a job. T and H seem like such a dark joke sometimes. You're supposed to beat them by not dwelling on them, but how can you not dwell on nonstop noise and sensitive ears that burn and clog up?

Fuck this.

 

[GregCA]

I tried sound therapy, went through it for 2 months, but I'm pretty sure it made my tinnitus worse: in addition to a hissing, a low rumble and a very high pitched sound, there is now a medium/medium-high pitched whistle.

What sound therapy did you do?