I do not remember what it's like to enjoy life. I wish I had the capacity for suicide.
June 2013: Mothers alchoholism is getting bad, haven't seen her sober in a year or two. I wake up with derealization and panic / anxiety and blurry almost blinding vision, go to doctor after doctor being told it's all anxiety. Feel like i'm living in a dream, terrified of everything, feels like I'm on drugs 24/7. Keep going to sleep hoping I'll wake up and it will be gone.
September 2013: My brother dies.
November 2013: I go to a concert with my brothers wife (first time I've been out since the panic attacks hit), get chronic tinnitus in both ears.
December 2013: Girlfriend of three years leaves me, very bad breakup.
March 2014: Still having panic attacks, tinnitus worse than ever, haven't gone out with friends for about a year. Job restructure, I get moved backwards from my position to a call center position.
December 2014: spent entire year in my room. Afraid to make tinnitus worse. Afraid to leave my aunts house (who'm I'm paying rent to). Miss everything about my life before this all started.
May 2015: Random muscle twitches appear in ribs, quickly spread to the rest of my body. Body constantly twitching in EVERY possible muscle.
July 2015: Start noticing it's hard to pronounce certain words. Speech slowly gets worse until I struggle holding conversations with people a month later. Brand new car gets hit by someone driving on the side of the road. I get a ticket for failure to yield, no one ruled at fault, nothing paid for.
This Month: Started feeling weakness in legs. Muscle twitching moved primarily to legs. Face is now feeling tingly and numb, harder to speak. Suspected lyme disease, have been on antibiotics for about a month, no improvement but it's making my tinnitus much, much worse. Possible Multiple sclerosis / Possible ALS if it's not Lyme.
Why the hell am I still alive? Someone wants me dead. If it IS ALS hopefully its quick. I don't know what I did to deserve this punishment but I feel like I do insome sick way. I want to be free so badly, to go back to a time when life was ok and I was happy. I am repeatedly being bashed in the head with a hammer when I try to stabilize. I'm 24 years old. What a waste of a life this has become. I have completely lost hope. Anyone that might try and cheer me up right now would be appreciated.
June 2013: Mothers alchoholism is getting bad, haven't seen her sober in a year or two. I wake up with derealization and panic / anxiety and blurry almost blinding vision, go to doctor after doctor being told it's all anxiety. Feel like i'm living in a dream, terrified of everything, feels like I'm on drugs 24/7. Keep going to sleep hoping I'll wake up and it will be gone.
September 2013: My brother dies.
November 2013: I go to a concert with my brothers wife (first time I've been out since the panic attacks hit), get chronic tinnitus in both ears.
December 2013: Girlfriend of three years leaves me, very bad breakup.
March 2014: Still having panic attacks, tinnitus worse than ever, haven't gone out with friends for about a year. Job restructure, I get moved backwards from my position to a call center position.
December 2014: spent entire year in my room. Afraid to make tinnitus worse. Afraid to leave my aunts house (who'm I'm paying rent to). Miss everything about my life before this all started.
May 2015: Random muscle twitches appear in ribs, quickly spread to the rest of my body. Body constantly twitching in EVERY possible muscle.
July 2015: Start noticing it's hard to pronounce certain words. Speech slowly gets worse until I struggle holding conversations with people a month later. Brand new car gets hit by someone driving on the side of the road. I get a ticket for failure to yield, no one ruled at fault, nothing paid for.
This Month: Started feeling weakness in legs. Muscle twitching moved primarily to legs. Face is now feeling tingly and numb, harder to speak. Suspected lyme disease, have been on antibiotics for about a month, no improvement but it's making my tinnitus much, much worse. Possible Multiple sclerosis / Possible ALS if it's not Lyme.
Why the hell am I still alive? Someone wants me dead. If it IS ALS hopefully its quick. I don't know what I did to deserve this punishment but I feel like I do insome sick way. I want to be free so badly, to go back to a time when life was ok and I was happy. I am repeatedly being bashed in the head with a hammer when I try to stabilize. I'm 24 years old. What a waste of a life this has become. I have completely lost hope. Anyone that might try and cheer me up right now would be appreciated.
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