Hello everyone,
After the success stories on this forum kept me from becoming completely suicidal for a few months, I have finally managed to create an account so that I can introduce myself. English is not my native language, so I am using a translation program. Some things may sound strange, so please forgive me for that.
I am in my early 30s and have always been very careful with my ears until my first acoustic trauma. I have never committed any youthful sins such as attending loud concerts or clubs, so I have no history of hearing problems.
Although I have been playing the guitar for over 20 years, I have always practiced at a quiet room volume. In recent years, I often wished to finally be able to play in a band, but for professional and personal reasons, it never happened until 2024.
Context:
In spring 2024, an opportunity finally came up by chance. I found a band. The other band members were all older, between 50 and 60. Nobody played with hearing protection, and supposedly nobody had ever had hearing problems.
At the first rehearsal, I realized the volume was too high for me, so I had musician's hearing protection with me from the start. Everything worked well throughout the year, and I never had any problems after a rehearsal.
Then came the fateful week.
A week I will never forget. The second to last week of October 2024.
It consisted of several rehearsals before our first joint performance on Saturday at a birthday party. I was very stressed and excited, both because of work and because of the difficult task of learning the entire song list by heart. I had also never played live before, despite 23 years with my instrument.
At the same time, our mixer broke, so we had to get a replacement at short notice. Unfortunately, the technician was not able to handle the levels of the monitor speakers properly, which would later prove to be my downfall.
On the evening of October 25, 2024, several unfortunate factors came together and would change my life forever.
I really want to emphasize this: I first behaved correctly, and then I took out the hearing protection like an idiot! Why the hell did I do that? Why did I not stand somewhere else? That might have helped too. Why was I so stupid? You cannot imagine how many times I have lived through those few minutes over and over again in the last few months.
I probably thought something like, "It is not too loud for the others either. It will be fine. Besides, the gig is the day after tomorrow, so I cannot afford this right now!"
Then disaster struck. All the pieces followed without hearing protection. I stood right next to the drum kit, with my right ear facing it, while my left was well hidden behind the PA box, or so I thought. I immediately noticed how the cymbals cut into my ear. The guitars, the vocals, everything was too loud. But after a few minutes, it did not feel so bad anymore.
Then, just before the end, the other guitarist accidentally switched to the wrong sound on his pedal. He got twice as loud. Everyone's face briefly contorted in pain. At the same time, the technician could not set the monitor speakers to the right level. It was just noise.
Then it was over. At first, I did not notice anything. Everyone was happy. I commented that it was much too loud for me. Nobody seemed to care. They knew it and never had any problems with it. There were a few beers, everyone felt well prepared for Saturday...
Consequence:
The next morning, after waking up, the nightmare started. The symptoms are familiar to many here:
I googled it right away, of course.
The internet said, "This can happen if the music is too loud. It goes away after two days."
It did not go away.
Of course, I asked the others. Nobody had any problems after that rehearsal.
I went to work for another week.
Over the course of the week, other noises appeared. I now had a buzzing sound like a power line in both ears. Wearing a headset became unbearable. Now I also noticed a quieter beeping sound in my right ear, like the buzzing of a mosquito. I was starting to get really scared. I had never experienced anything like that before. I could not concentrate.
In my industry (IT), you have to make a lot of phone calls in meetings, and you have to wear a headset. I need silence to concentrate. It was always a place of retreat for me. I loved silence.
Why did no one tell me how easy it was to lose your silence forever? It is torture. I felt cheated, as if I had been allowed to play a game whose rules I did not fully understand. I was always cautious. Except for one time. Why did my rational mind fail in that situation?
Desperate attempts:
On November 4, I went to the ENT doctor for a hearing test. It showed no hearing loss in my loud left ear. I could hear all sounds immediately, even though the hissing was so loud. In my right ear, there was a slight drop at 4 kHz. That made more sense. Even though this ear was much quieter, but whatever... I was immediately given prednisolone for two weeks. It did nothing except make my sleep even worse.
Sleep was a horror, or rather no sleep at all. I only slept for two hours at a time for over two months, despite white noise on my smartphone. Every time I turned one ear onto the pillow, the noise killed me. I had to cry. What had I done?
After just one month, I decided to have HBO therapy for three weeks. I had to pay for it myself, but I wanted to try everything. I do not think it helped much, but at least it was an interesting experience.
I fell into a deep depression. I cried. Everything was too loud. I hated noises, but I needed them to cover up the tinnitus. I apologized to my girlfriend for putting our lives and income at risk so carelessly. I searched the entire internet. You all know how it is...
And so life took its course. A different life. One that will probably never be the same again.
Final words:
I am working again. I am trying to hold out. I play natural sounds on my work computer during meetings to mask the noise so I can bear it. Apart from that, I do not use headphones anymore.
I am scared. Really. There is a good chance that I have ruined the rest of my life. I did not mean to do this. I could never have guessed.
I would give anything to undo that day. I loved my hearing. I loved music. I loved silence. Can I hope that it could really go away?
I am at a point where my despair has turned into numb certainty. I cannot even cry anymore. The cruel reality seeps in. I feel dull.
I hate myself and blame myself a lot. I am a burden to others at times. Why, why did I do that?
Whatever the case, I have already ruined my year. Maybe I have ruined my life too. Or maybe not. There are days when I really think about a final solution.
The success stories give me some hope. But hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.
Greetings from Joe, who damaged himself...
After the success stories on this forum kept me from becoming completely suicidal for a few months, I have finally managed to create an account so that I can introduce myself. English is not my native language, so I am using a translation program. Some things may sound strange, so please forgive me for that.
I am in my early 30s and have always been very careful with my ears until my first acoustic trauma. I have never committed any youthful sins such as attending loud concerts or clubs, so I have no history of hearing problems.
Although I have been playing the guitar for over 20 years, I have always practiced at a quiet room volume. In recent years, I often wished to finally be able to play in a band, but for professional and personal reasons, it never happened until 2024.
Context:
In spring 2024, an opportunity finally came up by chance. I found a band. The other band members were all older, between 50 and 60. Nobody played with hearing protection, and supposedly nobody had ever had hearing problems.
At the first rehearsal, I realized the volume was too high for me, so I had musician's hearing protection with me from the start. Everything worked well throughout the year, and I never had any problems after a rehearsal.
Then came the fateful week.
A week I will never forget. The second to last week of October 2024.
It consisted of several rehearsals before our first joint performance on Saturday at a birthday party. I was very stressed and excited, both because of work and because of the difficult task of learning the entire song list by heart. I had also never played live before, despite 23 years with my instrument.
At the same time, our mixer broke, so we had to get a replacement at short notice. Unfortunately, the technician was not able to handle the levels of the monitor speakers properly, which would later prove to be my downfall.
On the evening of October 25, 2024, several unfortunate factors came together and would change my life forever.
- Time pressure, lack of sleep, stress, and clouded judgment
- New sound technology
- Self doubt and perfectionism
I really want to emphasize this: I first behaved correctly, and then I took out the hearing protection like an idiot! Why the hell did I do that? Why did I not stand somewhere else? That might have helped too. Why was I so stupid? You cannot imagine how many times I have lived through those few minutes over and over again in the last few months.
I probably thought something like, "It is not too loud for the others either. It will be fine. Besides, the gig is the day after tomorrow, so I cannot afford this right now!"
Then disaster struck. All the pieces followed without hearing protection. I stood right next to the drum kit, with my right ear facing it, while my left was well hidden behind the PA box, or so I thought. I immediately noticed how the cymbals cut into my ear. The guitars, the vocals, everything was too loud. But after a few minutes, it did not feel so bad anymore.
Then, just before the end, the other guitarist accidentally switched to the wrong sound on his pedal. He got twice as loud. Everyone's face briefly contorted in pain. At the same time, the technician could not set the monitor speakers to the right level. It was just noise.
Then it was over. At first, I did not notice anything. Everyone was happy. I commented that it was much too loud for me. Nobody seemed to care. They knew it and never had any problems with it. There were a few beers, everyone felt well prepared for Saturday...
Consequence:
The next morning, after waking up, the nightmare started. The symptoms are familiar to many here:
- Reduced hearing threshold, a feeling like cotton in the ear canal
- Loud tinnitus in the left ear, constant, around 2000+ kHz (why the left ear? The right was tilted towards the source of the noise)
- Distorted perception of noise and reactive tinnitus that distorts certain sounds
- A subconscious feeling of having seriously injured myself
- Irritable, panicky
- Sensitive to noise
I googled it right away, of course.
The internet said, "This can happen if the music is too loud. It goes away after two days."
It did not go away.
Of course, I asked the others. Nobody had any problems after that rehearsal.
I went to work for another week.
Over the course of the week, other noises appeared. I now had a buzzing sound like a power line in both ears. Wearing a headset became unbearable. Now I also noticed a quieter beeping sound in my right ear, like the buzzing of a mosquito. I was starting to get really scared. I had never experienced anything like that before. I could not concentrate.
In my industry (IT), you have to make a lot of phone calls in meetings, and you have to wear a headset. I need silence to concentrate. It was always a place of retreat for me. I loved silence.
Why did no one tell me how easy it was to lose your silence forever? It is torture. I felt cheated, as if I had been allowed to play a game whose rules I did not fully understand. I was always cautious. Except for one time. Why did my rational mind fail in that situation?
Desperate attempts:
On November 4, I went to the ENT doctor for a hearing test. It showed no hearing loss in my loud left ear. I could hear all sounds immediately, even though the hissing was so loud. In my right ear, there was a slight drop at 4 kHz. That made more sense. Even though this ear was much quieter, but whatever... I was immediately given prednisolone for two weeks. It did nothing except make my sleep even worse.
Sleep was a horror, or rather no sleep at all. I only slept for two hours at a time for over two months, despite white noise on my smartphone. Every time I turned one ear onto the pillow, the noise killed me. I had to cry. What had I done?
After just one month, I decided to have HBO therapy for three weeks. I had to pay for it myself, but I wanted to try everything. I do not think it helped much, but at least it was an interesting experience.
I fell into a deep depression. I cried. Everything was too loud. I hated noises, but I needed them to cover up the tinnitus. I apologized to my girlfriend for putting our lives and income at risk so carelessly. I searched the entire internet. You all know how it is...
And so life took its course. A different life. One that will probably never be the same again.
Final words:
I am working again. I am trying to hold out. I play natural sounds on my work computer during meetings to mask the noise so I can bear it. Apart from that, I do not use headphones anymore.
I am scared. Really. There is a good chance that I have ruined the rest of my life. I did not mean to do this. I could never have guessed.
I would give anything to undo that day. I loved my hearing. I loved music. I loved silence. Can I hope that it could really go away?
I am at a point where my despair has turned into numb certainty. I cannot even cry anymore. The cruel reality seeps in. I feel dull.
I hate myself and blame myself a lot. I am a burden to others at times. Why, why did I do that?
Whatever the case, I have already ruined my year. Maybe I have ruined my life too. Or maybe not. There are days when I really think about a final solution.
The success stories give me some hope. But hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.
Greetings from Joe, who damaged himself...
