Breaking the Vicious Cycle with Tinnitus, Anxiety, Depression Is HARD :(

[Andersson]

I hate to post this, I really do. I want to do only positive posts to help others.
But the truth is I am struggling.

My T increased in beginning of NOV for unknown reason, the most likely "cause" was a bad cold in October, followed by shot back, and before that I started to feel worse in myself with life etc. So I think I had a relapse with depression already building up (this was not including T at all, but life problems only)

And the cold, back etc just pushed my body to the limit and the T answered and my depression kicked in for real.

Ever since I am trying hard to stay positive.
I went back to my own notes from 2012 when I got T, it is such a similar story to what I relive right now.
I could hear T over everything back then, even the shower, I was super sentivie to sounds, even speech hurt, high freq sounds was distorted etc.

Everything is 100% the same now.
T is roaring so freaking loud, I can hear it over everything cept shower.
I am sensitive to sounds that gone up and down these last 2 months. Right now I feel really bad and speech can hurt, and slams etc, but music does not hurt.

I learned to live with after 1 year of struggle from Onset, and lived very well last 3 years with it, I was habituated or whatever, I did not hear it over daily things unless I was exhausted physically, mentally. And on nights I did not care one bit, just slept as normal.

Now I hear it over everything, I cannot enjoy watching series, a movie, listening to music, playing games with my friends etc. ALL I can focus on is the super high piercing shriek in my head.
The weird thing is, I am not sure if it actually got MUCH louder then it been the last years, I doubt it. But somehow It seems my brain went back in time to 2012 and I re-live everything again.
And I cannot see myself getting used to it, and getting back to where I was before. I did it once, but even so I just cannot convince myself that it will happen.

It is so weird, to just go back in time and re-live everything, everything is the same and it scares me just as it did before.
I am not a very strong person mentally, never have been. Always been the sensitive guy with not the most positive outlook on things. So that makes it so much harder to break the vicious cycle.

I been questioning if I am in a depression again, Christmas eve was ok, and christmas morning T felt lower (but it might not have been, might just have been my perception of it was lower) and I felt better.
It lasted to later that day when it went downhill again.
But still, I guess when I felt ok on Christmas it lifted my mood a bit and that in turn made T better that day and christmas day. (It started to feel worse again when I drove home from my mothers boyfriend where we spent Christmas)

I am waiting to get to Tinnitus Therapy (long wait), I went to one 2012, which I think helped my process.

I am really sorry to write this, I really did not want to do this.
I tried to spread my positive victory over T after my onset, and I wanted to conquer this faster and post a Success story being through a relapse insted of this!

I still intend to do that, if I get through this.

Hope you all get a good 2016 and all that struggle right now will feel better.

 

[Lorac]

You do not need to apologize for posting about your setback and current struggle. I think it's great that you are reaching out to the only people in the world who "get it". You are not obligated to post only positive comments here. I hope you can find a way to habituate again. I wish you could bottle whatever it was that made you feel better on Christmas day. I hope things improve for you in the coming year.

 

[glynis]

Hi Anderson.
Sorry to hear your not doing to well at the moment and your sound and unwanted emotions are really getting to you.

Keep an eye on your low mood and if it stays low and find you just feel numb and lots your smile and find just getting out of bed hard then you might need talking therapy and medication.
Try structure your day and make nice plans and try get out in the fresh air and mix with people.

Tinnitus as you know is best having sound therapy at night played throughout the night and set below your tinnitus to help habituate to tinnitus again.

You will get through this bad patch I promise. .lots of love glynis

 

[PaulBe]

Andersson, you could have just written the story of my last few months as well. Unfortunately I have no answers or explanations except to say that this thing they call "habituation" seems more akin to stuffing an angry cat in a box while smiling and saying "I'm fine".

 

[Martin69]

@Andersson
I cannot really give you uplifting words. Only that you are not alone in your suffering.
My T is also high-pitched (15 kHz or higher) and even the shower does not cover it (or only partly).
Nothing masks it because of the pitch.
Every day is difficult. Sleep is relief.
But Trobalt helps at least temporarily.
And I hope for:
- Habituation kicking in one day
- SF0034 to help us
- That T volume decreases
Are you sure your T was also louder than the shower three years ago and you habituated to this?

 

[Andersson]

@Lorac Thanks, yes It got me thinking that my depression really is linked hard to my T right now since I think it lowered it shortly after having a decent time Christmas eve.

@glynis Thank you. Yes I feel my depression really is sinking in and in turn making me hold on to T really hard. I have my first appointment with Tinnitus therapist 19th January so I hope it can help with everything.
I will try and be more strict about my day, to force myself out of bed even if I don't feel like it and try and keep doing things like go for walks etc even with me being exhausted and with it feeling pointless.

I will try having sound on at night, It was something I tried when I got T 2012 but never really took it to heart and in the end I ended up with sleeping without it and somehow it worked. But right now It might be different and maybe it can help me habituate faster second time.
And thank you as always for your support even when you have problems yourself, I hope everything you are doing through right now will clear fast

@Martin69 Yeah It's hard when it pierces through things, shower does cover mine right now I think, sometimes I don't know if its the shower or the piercing in my head I hear but I try not to focus on it in the shower at least.
And yes, I remember most of it that nothing masked it, and my notes even tell that story which I wrote 2012, including shower.
I know that my feelings really increase my perception of T, when I got better after a lot of struggle back then It was like it just went far far back and I did not "hear" it most times when I did something. Unless I was very exhausted physical or mentally then it got pushed to the front some.

I guess that is where I draw my small power from that I could push it so far back, and the notes I did back in 2012 kinda helped me as well. Because I was not convinced that It was that loud/my perception of it was that loud but since I did write it I have it in black and white. Also have my notes from Tinnitus therapy I did and I could see how hard I struggled with it, because It's like a lot of that struggle is blocked from my mind, maybe I forced myself to forget it since It was a really dark period in my life.

But yes it feels weird that just 2 months ago everything regarding T was fine, and for the past 3 years. But I guess depression was coming anyway and it was more a matter of time, and the first thing it sticks to is T which starts the vicious cycle for me. (But it is the first time after I habituated I got hit this hard, so the struggle feels like I am back to 2012 right now and everything feels impossible again)
It also feels annoying that I cannot link it to anything, there is no sound exposure or anything that could be responsible. But then again its also a good thing because there is no sound trauma that might have done permanent damage etc. So try to focus on that as well as my physical therapist also said.

The sensitivity to sound is also annoying, but I also know that is linked to how I feel.
I could say I got some H, but then again not. My ENT etc said that it is the same as it was 2012, when I am in high anxiety and depression I have a hard time processing sounds.
Distortion sounds have come and gone 3 times in 2 months. Right now its better again and sounds are not really distored. But now speech hurts sometimes, while lets say speech from a movie does not hurt.

I wish I was a stronger person mentally, I have always been a very sensitive person that have a more negative outlook then positive, and that is what makes thing like this sooo hard to overcome. While a person with a positive outlook breezes through things (My moms boyfriend for example have T, when he got it he heard it over most things, but since he is such a positive person he just breezed through it and habituated quick and he does not mind it really, same when he broke his arm really bad, he just powers through it without much issues)

Wish we could learn to be a much stronger individual easier, I would love to be a person like that!

 

[Dubbyaman]

When one goes to the doctor with a problem, they usually can at least do something to fix or treat the problem. Medication, surgeries, shots etc. All of these options are from previous hard work and research by scientists over the years to create these forms of relief for people who suffer. When one goes to a doctor for T, they are told to go home and you can thank all the people long ago who never got into this issue.