Can’t Function at a High Level Anymore

[AfroSnowman]

I have a somewhat high demand, high stress position and I've slowly been working my way back to higher profile projects since whatever happened to me happened. It has become sadly apparent to me over the last two weeks I have hit my ceiling in recovery and simply that I can no longer function the way I did before.

I believed that if I were patient that I'd get to some magical habituation where I'd not be affected anymore or that it would fall into the background until I could only hear it in a quiet room. I feel lied to by every ENT, audiologist, and success story I've read. It appears I don't get to really get better.

Instead 2.5 years in I am still significantly compromised. If I'm not mostly better by now it is hard to believe that I will suddenly regain even a shadow of my focus and ability to cope that were my livelihood.

I won't quit because that's not what I do, I won't check out of this world because I'd never do that to the people I love, but I'm sickened at the shell of me that tinnitus has left behind. Tomorrow I will walk forward again hoping that these difficulties are the prelude to new strength; building muscles to compensate for what was lost, but for now I despair.

 

[PortugalTheMan]

@AfroSnowman, I also feel like you, even though I'm only 9 months into this. Things keep getting worse because I try to lead a normal life.

At work, the anxiety and depression that tinnitus brings, and listening to the tinnitus, makes concentration very difficult.

It's difficult because we have to do all this alone, no one hears what we hear.

 

[Gee82]

I believed that if I were patient that I'd get to some magical habituation where I'd not be affected anymore or that it would fall into the background until I could only hear it in a quiet room. I feel lied to by every ENT, audiologist, and success story I've read. It appears I don't get to really get better.

I feel your pain. Doctors tried to sell me habituation as if I was an idiot worrying over such a silly thing as tinnitus. Here I am 3 years later and still suicidal. Habituation is bullshit.

 

[Chinmoku]

I admire your tenacity. I have been going on three years now, a constant slope of worsening that no-one can explain. I don't know how much longer I can go on. I too don't want to give in because I have family depending on me but I wonder at what point the pain will become too much to keep going. If I try to do something normal with protection I get worse, if I spend all day in my bedroom I get worse, no matter what I do I get worse, medical doctors are useless, or worse than useless, research is insanely slow, COVID-19 has monopolized most medical attention, I don't know what kind of hope we can hang on, we need a miracle, at this level of distress it's not a life, it's torture and functioning becomes impossible.

Why this curse of a condition has not been investigated properly by medicine so far escapes me, especially given how much it is costing veteran associations and how many musicians are affected by it.

I know the origin of your tinnitus was atypical, mine instead started with a trivial cold. A stupid infection reaching the inner ear and your life is basically ruined. Thank you, evolution, you really did great.

 

[AfroSnowman]

Thanks for all the hugs. I usually am able to keep a pretty positive attitude in the face of this but it's tough.

I appreciate being able to yell out in pain and have you guys hear me.

 

[InfiniteLoop]

@AfroSnowman

Yes, I feel in a similar way seven years after the onset. Habituation is being a really slow process to me. Passing time is the only proven medicine for tinnitus. Keep hanging on, and you will be surprised how you get better at managing this chronic condition. I am able to enjoy music again, and I have stopped worrying about everyday noises. Really close people said that I am doing very well compared to years ago. I know that I am not the same as before, and that my high tech career in Silicon Valley is not going any higher. It is likely that I will be taking antidepressants for a very long time or forever. Believe that life can be still OK, it was never perfect even before tinnitus to start with.

 

[Mister Muso]

2.5 years in for me too. Last year things were improving and I thought I was going to be one of the lucky ones with a success story. Not so much this year. Got careless trying to do too many "normal" things and had a few scary spikes. Breathing difficulties from anxiety getting worse again.

It's a very delicate balancing act as we try to find all the tools at our disposal just to carry on. Hoping to find some rays of light for us all to feel less stuck.

 

[AfroSnowman]

Believe that life can be still OK, it was never perfect even before tinnitus to start with.

Thanks. I'm doing better today. It was just so disturbing to hit a wall that I couldn't push through. It was like running on ice. I used to have spikes on my shoes and now I have to do it in worn out tennis shoes.

 

[Lurius]

I agree insanely much with everything in this thread.

 

[Kam75]

We are almost all in the same boat @AfroSnowman.

I don't know if it's possible in your country, but as far as I'm concerned, I've been recognised as a disabled worker because of tinnitus and what it causes.

Thanks to this recognition as a disabled worker, I have the right to adjust my working hours and, to top it all off, I will be able to take early retirement! Well, it's not for now, I'm 'only' 30 years old, but hey, this is not insignificant.

Thanks to COVID-19, homeworking has become institutionalized. I still work from home between 2 and 3 days a week and I'm going to sign an addendum to my work contract to continue homeworking even after the pandemic is over. Homeworking allows me to work a little more efficiently I think because I am a little less tired.

If your job offers you the possibility to work from home, try this option!

 

[Andrew01]

I agree with what Kam said here, tinnitus and hyperacusis can be disabilities and it's about acceptance of the reality of the situation and defining success based around that. It is an invisible disability so I can see how it makes it difficult to accept when no one else can recognize it.

I'm only a few months into things but I've quickly realized that my worst moments are when I am comparing things to before or what I could do before, whereas now I am understanding my limits. I find I'm engaging in more things now that I accept I have to wear earplugs (for now at least) when doing them, instead of trying to fight through the pain it can cause otherwise.

Acceptance / letting go is not resigning one self to fate or giving up per say (I'm certainly not), it's just an understanding of what the situation is and what is out of your control, and not judging the situation with things such as comparisons of before and after, or what if's etc.

 

[fishbone]

I have a somewhat high demand, high stress position and I've slowly been working my way back to higher profile projects since whatever happened to me happened. It has become sadly apparent to me over the last two weeks I have hit my ceiling in recovery and simply that I can no longer function the way I did before.

I believed that if I were patient that I'd get to some magical habituation where I'd not be affected anymore or that it would fall into the background until I could only hear it in a quiet room. I feel lied to by every ENT, audiologist, and success story I've read. It appears I don't get to really get better.

Instead 2.5 years in I am still significantly compromised. If I'm not mostly better by now it is hard to believe that I will suddenly regain even a shadow of my focus and ability to cope that were my livelihood.

I won't quit because that's not what I do, I won't check out of this world because I'd never do that to the people I love, but I'm sickened at the shell of me that tinnitus has left behind. Tomorrow I will walk forward again hoping that these difficulties are the prelude to new strength; building muscles to compensate for what was lost, but for now I despair.

As I read your post, I feel and understand what you are saying. My life has been changed due to the ringing and there has been lots of adapting and planning to live with the ringing. Everyone that lives with this ringing, should be very proud of themselves.

I have had many hopes as well, I still remember that one night when my tinnitus went away for 10 seconds and then it came back. It was unreal, it was amazing and emotional, but I accepted it.

I am a firm believer of just moving forward. It's like a batter that misses almost every ball and strikes outs. The batter will bat again and try to swing again. The batter is doing his/her best to move forward. The batter knows his situation, knows that his hitting avg. is low, but still does his/her best to move forward.

My friend, moving forward CAN bring strength, It CAN bring resilience. My journey has been slow, it has taken a long time to reach the point that I am at right now.

Living with tinnitus takes lots of strength, it's a day by day ordeal. Gain lots of love, lots of support and slowly move forward...

 

[AfroSnowman]

We are almost all in the same boat @AfroSnowman.

I don't know if it's possible in your country, but as far as I'm concerned, I've been recognised as a disabled worker because of tinnitus and what it causes.

Thanks to this recognition as a disabled worker, I have the right to adjust my working hours and, to top it all off, I will be able to take early retirement! Well, it's not for now, I'm 'only' 30 years old, but hey, this is not insignificant.

Thanks to COVID-19, homeworking has become institutionalized. I still work from home between 2 and 3 days a week and I'm going to sign an addendum to my work contract to continue homeworking even after the pandemic is over. Homeworking allows me to work a little more efficiently I think because I am a little less tired.

If your job offers you the possibility to work from home, try this option!

Well I'm an American so no disability option for me (lucky me!).

Unfortunately my work doesn't really allow for flexibility in that sort of way, but even if it did, on an emotional and practical level it is really hard for me to accept that I am disabled. I understand that I am in a way, but I'm kind of wired by nature and experience not give up in the face of hardship. Undoubtedly this makes me particularly despondent when I fail.

In any case, after hitting that wall over the last week I have been able to find some traction again. I keep telling myself if I just don't give up that I will eventually grow the ability to compensate for what I've lost.

 

[AfroSnowman]

As I read your post, I feel and understand what you are saying. My life has been changed due to the ringing and there has been lots of adapting and planning to live with the ringing. Everyone that lives with this ringing, should be very proud of themselves.

I have had many hopes as well, I still remember that one night when my tinnitus went away for 10 seconds and then it came back. It was unreal, it was amazing and emotional, but I accepted it.

I am a firm believer of just moving forward. It's like a batter that misses almost every ball and strikes outs. The batter will bat again and try to swing again. The batter is doing his/her best to move forward. The batter knows his situation, knows that his hitting avg. is low, but still does his/her best to move forward.

My friend, moving forward CAN bring strength, It CAN bring resilience. My journey has been slow, it has taken a long time to reach the point that I am at right now.

Living with tinnitus takes lots of strength, it's a day by day ordeal. Gain lots of love, lots of support and slowly move forward...

Thanks for the support @fishbone. I fundamentally share your perspective, but it was just so frustrating and dismaying to find those pieces of ability that I used to rely on, gone, at least for the moment when I needed them. I had to scream out into the void. Thanks for hearing me.

 

[Gee82]

For me personally, both habituation and acceptance are out of question. I will never habituate to such intense suffering, I will never accept this evil that is destroying my life and soul every day. I don't want a disability for this, I want a decent treatment. We are indeed disabled, but before this we're human beings that are cruelly tortured non-stop. Sometimes I think we should apply for human rights rather than disability.

 

[David S]

@AfroSnowman, just keep pushing.

Do you have reasonable work load? When I feel stressed I do not take any phone calls. I just handle everything via mail and SMS. Just to make sure that I can do everything in my tempo.

 

[AfroSnowman]

@AfroSnowman, just keep pushing.

Do you have reasonable work load? When I feel stressed I do not take any phone calls. I just handle everything via mail and SMS. Just to make sure that I can do everything in my tempo.

So my deal is that I work as a US diplomat abroad. In fact, it is assumed that my tinnitus and hearing loss was caused by either a targeted attack or an attempt to intercept my phone communications by a foreign government. In any case the nature of the work demands that I have to be able to perform at a high level, under stress, and respond well to the unexpected.

Thank you, I will keep pushing. My hope is that if I don't give up I'll eventually develop strengths to compensate for my acquired weaknesses. When I wrote this I was trying to work on something substantial, complicated, and modestly stressful ( stuff that I built my career on) and found that I couldn't pull together my focus when I needed to. Between the noise and the after effects of long term limbic system trauma that I just couldn't pull it together. Super distressing to have a loss in mental ability so clearly illuminated. The folks I work with know what happened to me and weren't going to beat me up over it but I not used to being pitied.

What I hope is that if I keep putting myself in these situations, no matter how painful, my brain will be forced to redevelop my capabilities.

 

[robert milvae]

I've had this for more than a year now and feel your pain. I just go about my routine and do my best to not let it affect my mental health.

I wish you the best. Hang in there.

 

[David S]

So my deal is that I work as a US diplomat abroad. In fact, it is assumed that my tinnitus and hearing loss was caused by either a targeted attack or an attempt to intercept my phone communications by a foreign government. In any case the nature of the work demands that I have to be able to perform at a high level, under stress, and respond well to the unexpected.

I heard about this sonic weapon. That is really awful. How can you be sure that this is not the reason?

What I hope is that if I keep putting myself in these situations, no matter how painful, my brain will be forced to redevelop my capabilities.

This as all we can do. I have a very flexible job so I guess that I am blessed in that aspect. On the other hand, it is a little too easy to feel sorry for yourself. Therefore I started to take cold showers and intense yoga. I'm starting to accept that pain will be there all the time but I can control it to a certain degree.

 

[Gabriel5050]

Same. I don't have energy to observe the subtleties in conversations, I don't have the energy to pay attention to details, it's way harder to concentrate. Less performance in anything overall.

And my tinnitus without fail only gets worse with time. I just hate this torture.

 

[Sash]

I have my own business and work from home but hats off to those that are in employment that have to deal with incessant noise and tinnitus in the background. I don't think I have the mental strength to cope with working over 8 hours outside the home. While my tinnitus is so so loud if I am concentrating on work, I am not aware of my tinnitus, hence why for some (not all) it's better to stick with work.

 

[AfroSnowman]

I heard about this sonic weapon. That is really awful. How can you be sure that this is not the reason?

I won't get into details of my own event, in fact this thread is the first time I've really discussed this openly on Tinnitus Talk.

This has been happening to a lot of us recently. There still isn't a smoking gun in terms of having found someone in a van pointing something sinister at anyone, but it is undeniable that something is happening to a lot of US diplomats that is consistent with exposure to a high energy event without any evident proximate cause (like a bomb blast). So basically the determination is medically forensic.

 

[Kenilworth]

6 years of tinnitus. Things got worse 5 months ago. Everyday I look for painless ways to take my life but survival instinct kicks in. I also think about my family and life in general. I'm 27 years of age and want to live but at the same time I'm afraid of living.

What saddens me is I never chose to exist, but i suffer anyway. I want this to end and not just for me, but for everyone else suffering from any illness/disease. No one deserves to suffer the way we do.

I hope to hold on for real treatments. At the moment I don't need a cure. I just need something to help me function. I'm not looking for happiness, I'm just looking for peace. And that's what I hope for everyone else who is suffering.

 

[Sean]

I won't get into details of my own event, in fact this thread is the first time I've really discussed this openly on Tinnitus Talk.

This has been happening to a lot of us recently. There still isn't a smoking gun in terms of having found someone in a van pointing something sinister at anyone, but it is undeniable that something is happening to a lot of US diplomats that is consistent with exposure to a high energy event without any evident proximate cause (like a bomb blast). So basically the determination is medically forensic.

I like your attitude.

How loud is your tinnitus? Can you hear it over normal conversation all the time or when watching TV?

Now I am panicking since I have minor spike after mild tinnitus for many years.

I know meditation has helped LOT of people. I am thinking to start meditation. It really helps to accept the situation without reacting. I am really afraid of future and hopefully meditation makes me mentally strong.

 

[AfroSnowman]

I like your attitude.

How loud is your tinnitus? Can you hear it over normal conversation all the time or when watching TV?

Now I am panicking since I have minor spike after mild tinnitus for many years.

I know meditation has helped LOT of people. I am thinking to start meditation. It really helps to accept the situation without reacting. I am really afraid of future and hopefully meditation makes me mentally strong.

Thanks. Some days my attitude is better than others, but I keep trying and have been able to continue to achieve more professionally as time goes on.

Yes sadly my tinnitus is rather severe and unending. I imagine that there must be a situation so loud that I couldn't hear it, but at that point I'd probably need ear protection from the noise. So yes I can hear it loudly over everything almost always.

Once in a blue moon if I am having a super gentle day a loud shower might be able to mask it but that's it.

But the show must go on, right?

 

[Sean]

Thanks. Some days my attitude is better than others, but I keep trying and have been able to continue to achieve more professionally as time goes on.

Yes sadly my tinnitus is rather severe and unending. I imagine that there must be a situation so loud that I couldn't hear it, but at that point I'd probably need ear protection from the noise. So yes I can hear it loudly over everything almost always.

Once in a blue moon if I am having a super gentle day a loud shower might be able to mask it but that's it.

But the show must go on, right?

Btw, my tinnitus is caused by loud music. So once again, if your tinnitus is noise induced then protect your ears for the next 3-4 months and see if you see any changes. Most people's tinnitus tends to go down after some time and maybe you are one of them.

I hope you are also not taking ototoxic drugs.

 

[Lane]

I know meditation has helped LOT of people. I am thinking to start meditation. It really helps to accept the situation without reacting. I am really afraid of future and hopefully meditation makes me mentally strong.

Hi @Sean, if you're interested, you can check out the following two posts of mine. In them I describe what works well for me (similar to meditation). -- Take care!

Post 1
Post 2

 

[AfroSnowman]

Btw, my tinnitus is caused by loud music. So once again, if your tinnitus is noise induced then protect your ears for the next 3-4 months and see if you see any changes. Most people's tinnitus tends to go down after some time and maybe you are one of them.

I hope you are also not taking ototoxic drugs.

Not sound induced. Sadly I am one of the victims of the Havana Syndrome attacks. It has been about 2.5 years since the event, so I probably about as recovered as I am going to get.

 

[Barry098]

Thank you, I will keep pushing. My hope is that if I don't give up I'll eventually develop strengths to compensate for my acquired weaknesses. When I wrote this I was trying to work on something substantial, complicated, and modestly stressful ( stuff that I built my career on) and found that I couldn't pull together my focus when I needed to. Between the noise and the after effects of long term limbic system trauma that I just couldn't pull it together. Super distressing to have a loss in mental ability so clearly illuminated. The folks I work with know what happened to me and weren't going to beat me up over it but I not used to being pitied.

What I hope is that if I keep putting myself in these situations, no matter how painful, my brain will be forced to redevelop my capabilities.

This whole thread resonates with me, but this quote pretty much sums up how I felt today. Tried applying for a job and I could not string together two cohesive sentences in my cover letter. I got discouraged and put it away for the time being. I just feel exhausted at the end of every day and the incessant noise gives me a headache. Just keep thinking if I could just turn it off for a minute that would be such a nice little break but sadly that is not how this works.

I can't help but think that there has to be some lesson in all of this. In the movie "Groundhog's Day," Bill Murray suffered until he accepted and embraced his new life. Eventually, he was freed from it but by that point he wasn't looking for freedom from it anymore. What a strange bit of psychology there. I know it is possible because the same thing happened to me during my first bout with tinnitus and ironically my tinnitus started on Groundhog's Day in 2017! This time around feels more permanent though for some reason, not sure why, I'm pretty sure that my 2017 tinnitus was actually louder... There was no sound on earth that could mask that sound. This time around, at least I find some relief in the shower and by running water so I suppose relative to many on this forum I am doing ok, but relative to my previous self, I am having a rough time.

Anyway, hang in there AfroSnowman... I hope one day that we will all discover the reason behind this seemingly unnecessary suffering...

 

[AfroSnowman]

Thanks and if it is of any comfort to you, I do continue to increase my capabilities by continuing to push through. Slow painful but my capacity is unmistakably increasing. Don't give up.

When I fail I try to remember that this is really hard, I take a good cry or a stiff drink get a night's sleep and try again tomorrow