Can't Cope & Can't Tell Anyone

[handmaiden]

Hi
I posted before, had tinnitus for years now but had habituation to the point that years went by and I didn't even think about it, few things happened, went to a friends wedding had awful ringing that night and also my smoke alarm went off in my kitchen it was piercing I was stood underneath it, I also have massive ENT issues, blocked nose and ears all the time, this has led to my tinnitus

1. getting more high pitched
2. developing 2 more tones
3. having a beeping type morse code in one ear

All of this has made me suicidal but I have 2 boys I have to get by for them!! They have already realised 'mum has tinnitus' and one son looked really sad and said 'will it stop mum?' I said "hopefully son' and he said "thats really bad I feel sad for you mum' - that breaks my heart I don't want them carrying any burden.

Yesterday all their friends were over and I was supervising a board game, it got very animated and loud at points and I was literally wincing with pain with their loud voices and saying 'shhhh' then my son said "shhhh my mum has tinnitus her ears hurt!'

I have had to get valium, please do not lecture me on valium i know all the dangers, i have just managed to get myself off of amitriptyline as i am convinced that was another factor in making my T louder.

I don't want to take valium I want to not have to jump off a bridge or book a parachute jump and 'forget' to pull the chute (this is the sort of thing I think about when I wonder how I will kill myself without causing my sons long term damage - to make it look like an accident.

I am having ENT follow up 1st march, i have hearing therapy appt march too I have 2 white noise ear generators - they are too low for my screaming high pitched tinnitus and don't help

I don't expect answers I know we are all in the same boat, I just have to vent.

I am praying for all you who are suffering like this and try and take it just one day at a time and try not to think about the future - be great to get some replies i cant talk to friends and family....

How do you tell you friends and family you think about suicide every day you feel like a shell of who you were and only getting by to raise your kids.

 

[slipware]

I'm so sorry for your suffering, we are all here because we find it hard sometimes es to cope with this beast inside our heads. You're doing very well with the children, and thoughtful for them. My grandchildren are similar with playing games, saying shhhh!

There are mums on here who will pop in to comfort you, it's good to vent!!

 

[GregK9]

If the noise generators are not helping, why not get back to whoever supplied them, see if they can retune to help you better, rather than just have something that wont work. I appreciate that you are a busy mum, "being mum", but try and get some out time too, maybe even a walk in the local park, try and relax rather than stress yourself up too much, which no doubts is aggrovating things.

 

[glynis]

Handmaiden...
Tinnitus can go wild coming off amitryptaline and lots of back fireing signals and cause more sounds and in your head...
I came off it and went down bank.
I am now on nortryptaline that is the cousin to Amitryptaline and more tolerable.
I take 50mg and stopped my deep drone and head tinnitus and took the edge off my high pitch tinnitus and sleeping well now...
Stay strong as it will settle down for you and please get support from family and samaritans or mental health...lots of love glynis x

 

[handmaiden]

thanks all i do appreciate your replies
Glynis thats very helpful about the amytriptiline my T has definitely got worse since i stopped but i also felt it was a factor is causing it so was scared to keep on taking it!
GregK9 Im a single parent through no choice of my own and was married. I have no family in the area i moved to, so getting a break is hard, but i totally agree its essential, i had a neck and shoulder massage a couple weeks ago and i am booking in for another this week. Im also trying to eat well and get to bed as early as possible given that i wake in the early hours (usually having a dream that a fire alarm is going off or something only to find its my tinnitus waking me) Im definitely raising about the noise generators at my next appt, i really want a hearing aid with a tinnitus masker - they are very expensive, and doubt NHS will as my hearing loss is only mild
I've thought of paying privately but its about £2K at least and thats money i have saved for my boys
I do appreciate all the support
I am going to get out with the boys soon for a walk on a windy beach - i do find getting out in nature noises can help
I hope you are all equally coping best you can with your tinnitus
I definitely cant talk to family, i would be prepared to talk to someone without tinnitus (apart from med prof) if they would go around wearing headphones listening to screaming tinnitus all day, then we could chat
otherwise i find it makes me feel worse, most of the people I've spoken to just say
'that would drive me insane'.......
yes it does

 

[fishbone]

We face the same battle as you do. You are not alone in this. Don't ever give up, If you need help, maybe ask a family member to help out with the kids. If you get a chance, try to walk a few times a week, get the stress out.

Be well.....