Can't Sleep, Thinking About Suicide, No One Seems to Care

[SwiftLeo]

Basically I haven't slept in.. Honestly I can't even tell time right now. My ear was ringing really bad and then it sort of went quiet for a second but now its ringing again. Its at such a high frequency (or low, idk) to the point where I can barely hear the faint eeeee sound but I can definitely hear the electrical sorta sounds in my head.

There's immense pressure, almost to the point where I can't feel the other half of my head..

My brain feels like mashed potatoes, and I've got an appointment with an audiologist but I need a doctors order and the ER said they cant give me one.. My insurance changed on the 1st of March and my new primary won't even see me until the 9th. I can't afford the appointment on my own... Earlier I seriously almost went and gtabbed my gun and blew my brains out. Its only been 6 days and I'm worried ill be stuck like this forever.

I've tried to habituated and just ignore the sound, but I'm always checking to see if its still there and the ringing isn't the worst part.. The pressure makes me feel like my heads going to implode.. All these doctors are dicking around because of money/insurance...

If the world is really this cruel, I seriously don't know if I can live anymore. I was suicidal before this, but now I'm beyond that. The only thing holding me back is my girlfriend and my family but if I don't get even some relief or sleep I'm going to lose my fcking mind.

How could anything like this even exist..

 

[JurgenG]

First of

Things will get better, don't take my word for it, see for yourself soon!
You are very very new to this!
It can go or you can adapt. And if it stay it will most likely get much much quieter and less unpredictable.

How did you get it?

 

[stophiss]

You need medication to chill you out and help you sleep. However you go about this...it should be your objective. Your brain chemistry has fallen victim to your tinnitus or your tinnitus is victim of your brain chemistry...the two are related...which ever way you care to think about it.
Your natural brain chemistry isn't making the grade right now and why the suicidal ideation. There are countless threads on this forum and I suggest you perform a search on suicide. Virtually all come back from where you are. You are at a low point. You need medicine. Lack of sleep is the enemy of health and tolerance to tinnitus. You right now are on a run away train. Good news is, the train can be stopped and reversed. You can reset your mental health.

So, even if you have to go out of pocket, you need to address your mental health. If you are feeling desperate, call 911 or head to emergency.

We understand your pain as many of us have been in your shoes and now lead more or less normal lives.

Fight for those that care about you.

Good luck

 

[Blackneq]

I know u cant see it right now but it will get better, you are still in shock.

First of all take some medication to help you sleep, there are a bunch of threads on this forum where u can see what people found helpful.After a good night of sleep you will feel much better.

As for your T, it's still VERY early so it will most likely go away. If it does not its not the end of the world.Mine has not stopped yet but it changed to a lower pitch so its bearable, for now just give it time.

 

[hans799]

Agree with the others. You need something to relax you. This is an excellent time for Xanax, Klonopin or something similar. These are not a long-term solution, of course, but right now you need to buy yourself time.

 

[Paul10]

Read my intro not even two weeks ago. I was in the exact same place, maybe worse. I read the success stories and came across one which resonated with me. AVOID the negative threads if you want to get better. Refuse to accept that that is going to be your fate. I thought I was a unique case, my T was just so much different to everyone else's. I had a bad yesterday, but I'm only at the very beginning of this.

The important thing I have learned is that you need to see a psychiatrist who will be able to evaluate your mental health and advise on the best treatment option (which often does not need to involve medication). Secondly, you need to see a audiologist/hearing therapist who specialises in tinnitus and have them link in with your GP and psychiatrist (which the doctor will likely want to do anyway). Building up a network of professionals is very important; T is so unique to the individual and you will get more help through professional means than the internet in my experience. Personally? I have 3 different medications, one of which is Valium (Diazepam). Yes, it's not for everyone, but I only take it if I really need it (it saved me in the beginning) and knowing it's in the cupboard is reassuring. One of the other common themes with T success stories is positivity. I believe in the plasticity of the brain and the impact of positive emotions in long-term health. Please speak to your GP and get the ball rolling for building a professional network around you. There IS options available.

 

[Paul10]

Fight for those that care about you.

Perfectly put.

 

[MikeL1972]

SwiftLeo,

Believe me, everyone on this site has been where you are now! It will get better. Right now, this is all new to you as your brain/nervous system is reacting the way it was naturally programmed to react: panic. It will take a little bit of time, but once you convince your mind that tinnitus is not lethal, your stress and anxiety levels will go down. Note that this is a gradual process and is known clinically as tinnitus. Millions upon millions of people in the US alone have it. You will be fine!!

 

[Taviap14]

You can talk to me about it, I feel the same....

 

[SwiftLeo]

Thank all of you for your posts. I was beginning to think the worst. I also believe that positive thinking regardless of what happens will be key... Its just so difficult trying to get used to something like this when I've been alive for 20 years without it. However, I'm sure many of you understand that feeling.

Even though I can't get in to see my Primary Care Doctor until the 9th, I have an appointment at the a regulat doctor today to see if it might be an infection or something. I did go to the ER twice this week but that doctor was uselwas and actually made me wait over an hour and a half for discharge papers. Basically, forgot about me because I wasn't even on some list, and that was really frustrating and made my T flare up.

Ive noticed a rather strong correlation from stress to tinnitus. Even if it is an ear infection or something along those lines, anything that raises or lowers blood pressure seems to make it worse. I finally passed out from exhaustion last night... As far as the Xanax and Kilonopin (sorry if that's misspelled) I refuse to take anything like that. Even temporarily. In fact, the night before my tinnitus had came on, I had taken a half a low dose Xanax to keep me from having a heart attack from panicking. I was smoking pot but I've been doing that for 2 years. And I just had a freak out, whether that was from the pot or the sudden feeling of pressure or the dizziness. Thats sort of why I'm wotrirf it might not go away. Ill post back on here as soon as I get back from my doctor to see if maybe I just have a cold or something. I don't feel sick at all and besides the pressure in my head from not sleeping or stress, its rather bareable throughout the day. I love my girlfriend and my family and I really want to fight this either way. I guess the lack of sleep and the anxious sort of person I am makes it harder but I know there are people on here with worse so im not sure why that makes me feel better but I guess it gives me hope.

So far today I feel much better, but mornings are always good. Even most of the day. But im definitely gonna have to find something to help me sleep. I've never tried melatonin so I might pick some up. I also noticed that regardless of whether its the wax in my ear or not, the pressure went down a lot the other day when I used the irrigation kit and without the pressure it is much more bearable. The pressure just makes it go from a slightly annoyance to literal hell. Caffiene seems to help me focus less on the T and more on whatever else I'm doing. What helps the most is probably talking to my girlfriend or my family members or even my dog. Just being preoccupied seems to take my mind off it. Which also explains why night time is worse because normal people sleep.

Anyways ill try to stay positive and stay away from the negative threads.. Its just so tempting to look for an answer to my problem as with any other condition or illness. Ill update you guys when i have more info

 

[SwiftLeo]

Also one thing I've noticed that provides me some sort of comfort is that normally its only very prominent in one ear. That could mean its a wax problem, so I'm trying to be hopeful. Regardless of whether or not this goes away, I'm definitely never going to forget it.

 

[Paul10]

SwiftLeo be careful with the pot; it's linked to tinnitus. Try cutting it out for a few weeks and see how you get on. I understand your views on benzos, I was the same, but I take valium (I wouldn't go with Xanax personally) when I get bad and it helps me. Some people get help with a few beers. T is a very personal thing and unique to the individual but like I said; the key theme seems to me to be positivity and living in the moment. Don't think about next month. Also - have a look up Julian Cowan Hill's YouTube channel. That helped me a few weeks ago.

PS: I'm not sure what country you're from, but if you need to see a medical professional ASAP, don't be afraid to go to the emergency room and tell them exactly how you feel and exactly what you've wrote here. That's what I did.

 

[SwiftLeo]

SwiftLeo be careful with the pot; it's linked to tinnitus. Try cutting it out for a few weeks and see how you get on.

I have cut it out. It still relaxes me and regardless of the ringing it tends to help me get to sleep, but the ringing gets so loud its unbareable. Anything that changes my blood pressure tends to spike or lower it.

Also, I have gone to the emergency room, twice. I even told them I hadn't slept in almost 2 days and the only advice they gave me was the irrigation kit which I already had at home. The water tends to relievd the pressure but I havent gotten any substantial amount of wax out. My left ear (the one that affects me the most) does have a lot of wax build up and I'm hoping that is the cause. At the same time, ive used ear drops for 5 days now and the irrigation for about 2 days and no luck yet.

 

[Paul10]

I have cut it out. It still relaxes me and regardless of the ringing it tends to help me get to sleep, but the ringing gets so loud its unbareable. Anything that changes my blood pressure tends to spike or lower it.

Also, I have gone to the emergency room, twice. I even told them I hadn't slept in almost 2 days and the only advice they gave me was the irrigation kit which I already had at home. The water tends to relievd the pressure but I havent gotten any substantial amount of wax out. My left ear (the one that affects me the most) does have a lot of wax build up and I'm hoping that is the cause. At the same time, ive used ear drops for 5 days now and the irrigation for about 2 days and no luck yet.

You could talk to your doctor about a nasal spray and get your Eustachian tubes checked; I recommend Dymista nasal spray. Be sure to tell them your mental state, not just your bad sleep. Tell them how far this is pushing you. T is so heavily linked to mental health, and research is showing that more and more. Good luck; we're all in the same boat, but there are many people who have gotten out of the boat.

 

[SwiftLeo]

I have an update of a sort. So I went to my old doctor (basically the pediatrician I've had for almost 20 years before they switched it because of the Obama care bs and now they've switched it again). Anyways, I got a doctors note for the audiologist (for some reason they require one, w/e). He did his own little hearing test and it says its fine but an ENT won't take that , and its definitely not in depth. I notice when he removed the plug and my ear popped, the ringing went down a lot. Its still there, but it seems any time I remove pressure, it becomes almost as low as you would hear if you were in a quiet environment. I mean I still want it to go away, but for the time.being if it would just stay like this I would so happy. Is there any sort of infection that could possibly cause a lot of pressure in the ears? He said I dont have an ear infection and while he didn't specifically say I have any sinus problems, he prescribed me a decongestant and an antibiotic. One wss Claritan D, the other I'm not sure about (I couldnt read the handwriting -.-) but I supposr I will take those and see if they help. I don't really feel sick but maybe I am? This is day 6 and I'm feeling a bit more positive but I always do during the day. Its the night time that tests both my mind and my patience, since its hard to fall asleep.

Getting rid of pressure doesn't get rid of the T completely, but it definitely does bring the noise level down to a point where normal activities and concentration are possible. The irrigation sometimes removes the pressure but I'm worried about doing that too much because it might hurt my eardrum or something.

 

[PaulBe]

Your brain chemistry has fallen victim to your tinnitus or your tinnitus is victim of your brain chemistry...the two are related...which ever way you care to think about it.

This should be immortalized in a banner across the top of the site.

 

[dgray]

You need medication to chill you out and help you sleep. However you go about this...it should be your objective. Your brain chemistry has fallen victim to your tinnitus or your tinnitus is victim of your brain chemistry...the two are related...which ever way you care to think about it.
Your natural brain chemistry isn't making the grade right now and why the suicidal ideation. There are countless threads on this forum and I suggest you perform a search on suicide. Virtually all come back from where you are. You are at a low point. You need medicine. Lack of sleep is the enemy of health and tolerance to tinnitus. You right now are on a run away train. Good news is, the train can be stopped and reversed. You can reset your mental health.

So, even if you have to go out of pocket, you need to address your mental health. If you are feeling desperate, call 911 or head to emergency.

We understand your pain as many of us have been in your shoes and now lead more or less normal lives.

Fight for those that care about you.

Good luck

You are a good man. I appreciate and respect your kind nurturing words. You are the voice of reason here. Thank you -

 

[Mont]

You will be fine, just relax. I have been 14 months now of ringing in both ears and little sleep. It gets better. Good luck

 

[slipware]

We care.

 

[AdamR]

Like you im new to tinnitus, I recently had an MRI which is extremely loud and could still easily hear the tinnitus. The first few days I was in shock but now my life and mindset is normal again, its not bothering me at all. Just have a positive outlook and you will cope.

 

[SwiftLeo]

I'm so glad I didn't kill myself. Im convinced it was either built up pressure or a sinus infection. Last night I took the antibiotics and the decongestant I was prescribed by doctor and slept almost peacefully. It was still bugging me but not that bad. Right now, it is almost completely gone. So much so that I can walk into a quiet room and its like the same volume I used to hear. I mean its still constant but its slowly going away. The positive thinking and the less stress has definitely made a huge difference, but the medication has brought it down ~90% and its only if I really pay attention to it that I hear it. Hopefully by tomorrow or Monday it will be completely gone. Its such a relief.

 

[hans799]

I'm very happy for you and hope that it really does go away for good.

If it does, please consider yourself warned by life, and be extremely careful with protecting your ears from now on (noise exposure, ototoxic meds, a warm cap in winter).

However don't be surprised or frightened if there is some variation in its course, and you get a louder day in a few days' time. Progress with tinnitus (or anxiety disorders, for that matter) is rarely linear.

 

[MrBonk]

Give it time.

Can't get in until the 9th? You've got it easy. And you'll be fine.

Try waiting 9 months just to see a useless ENT and get back to me about how waiting a week or two is so bad.

 

[SwiftLeo]

Give it time.

Can't get in until the 9th? You've got it easy. And you'll be fine.

Try waiting 9 months just to see a useless ENT and get back to me about how waiting a week or two is so bad.

Sorry I didn't post back. For some reason I can't access the site on my regular internet connection. All I get is a blank page. I use OpenDNS so maybe thats why, but it seems kind of wierd.

9 months sounds ridiculous. I cant believe anyone has to wait that long... I feel lucky compared to that for sure. Some notes so far... The more I ignore it, the less it bothers me. I also find that slow deep breathing before bedtime seems to help me fall asleep. The noise doesn't get any quieter (usually louder since I sleep on my side) but theres some sense of.. Calmness ? I dont know how to explain it. But slow deep breathing right before bed or really pretty much any time T is stressing me out seems to bring the volume down or just make it so it doesnt bother me. Its been about.. I'm not even sure. Maybe 10 days now and its still here. It seems to slowly be fading away but I think it keeps coming back because I get a little scared around bed time because I remember its there and I worry a bit. Then I wake up with it and its always lower when I first wake up, but I guess I just hope for the day I wake up and its gone, which is probably a bad thing. I don't want to accept it because I feel if I accept it as something ill always have, then it will stay forever, whereas if I just believe it will go in a few days/weeks, it will fade out.

I havent been smoking pot since about the 4th day because it gets noticeably louder to the point where I just can't ignore it. Same with stress. The more I stress, the louder it roars. The more I focus on other things and forget its there, the more it fades away.

The question is, how can anyone tell it goes away if every time you think about it, it comes back? I've read a lot of things on this site and they say one of the best things to do is just sort of forget about it and get on with your life. But then how are there so many success stories claiming that its gone away completely if every time you think about it, it comes back? I kind of found that a bit wierd...

Anyways, I've got an appt with my GP and an audiologist on the 9th. As far as the ENT goes, I won't know about that until after the audiologist. It seems stupid that I would have to have my hearing tested before they can take a look, but I guess its just more ruling out. I've noticed that sometimes it pulsates a bit now? It doesnt scare or bother me any more than before, but it does make me question whether or not it may just be ear wax. And if it is ear wax, and they yank all that stuff out, if I think about it, will it still go away if the ear wax was the cause or will my brain hold onto it ? I mean 10 days isnt a lot, but I've been very stressed and anxious about it (a lot more in the first 5 days or so, less and less as I try to just ignore it and get on with my life).

A side note... When I smoke pot, I've almost always heard to some degree this sound that I know now is called Tinnitus. Like whenever I smoked too much, I would hear it. It freaked me out when it got loud, but it always went away when I came down from the peak of the high. The only thing I did different the last time I smoked is take half a Xanax (it was the lowest dose I think) and the next morning I woke up with this. I've smoked for 2 years straight without a problem and I'm trying not to blame it on the Xanax. But that's the only thing that I did differently. That was the first time I've ever even taken a Xanax. And I didnt do it cause I thought itd be cool to get even higher or lower so to speak. I just did it because I had a panic attack from smoking (which has only happened maybe one or two other times, both of which I didn't take Xanax and didnt have the same result)

 

[devonlee]

@SwiftLeo

It sounds like you may have had a viral infection. As with any virus, our lingering symptoms may take some time to go away. Think about when you get a respiratory infection and once you no longer feel sick per say, but you still have a cough 3 weeks later.
I would definitely stop using irrigation. I'm not sure how many times you've done it since your tinnitus started but I would most definitely say that you could cause more damage over time.
I work as a nurse and have some future advice if you're ever in a desperate state again. It seems that tinnitus is not taken seriously by most doctors, especially in an emergency department. I would say that next time, unfortunately, you lie. Mention the pressure in your head, say that it was sudden onset. They will take you much more seriously. It's sad but true. I'm also not sure if you mentioned your suicidal ideation. That should have been the first thing that you mentioned to them. I would like to believe that you would have been taken more seriously in that case.
Overall, it sounds like you are doing much better. In the event that you feel you're in a desperate state in the future, remember how you were feeling when you posted this thread, and how you are feeling now. Don't lose hope in the midst of the crisis.

 

[SwiftLeo]

I stopped irrigation after my last ER visit. Well, the night after. So I think that was day 5, and this is day 10 or 12 (not even sure anymore). Yeah, both ER visits were a complete waste of time and stressed me out. The doctor was young, probably right out of school, and basically checked my ears and mentioned I had quite a bit of wax in my left ear. That also seems to be the ear that I hear the noise in the most. Even when it doesnt come from my ears, it's almost like the sound is in my head... And if I focus enough, I can move the sound from one ear to the other (no matter what I can still hear it in the right, but if I focus and move my eyes to the left, I can hear the sound there as well. Another wierd thing is when I lay down, I hear it faintly in my left ear if I lay on that side, but very loud on the right side.)

I'm not sure whether its the slow deep breathing to manage my stress a bit better or just doing my best to ignore it as much as possible, or the meds. Some days I'm really positive and I'm sure it will go. Other days I'm so and so and I think maybe it will maybe it won't. I havent had any bad days since I started taking the antibiotic and the decongestant though. Don't get me wrong, it gets irritatingly loud, but I guess the sound doesnt bother me as much when the pressure isnt there.

One thing I feel worth mentioning is... I had a lot of ear infections as a kid. I had to have tubes in my ears and all that, and I'm not sure if thats why... But I can open and hold my E tube on the left side no problem. I remember a few times (in general, not time specific) where I've been able to do that with both of my ears. So maybe there really is enough wax in my right ear that I can't even open that side? I'm certain ive been able to do it with both before.

One more thing I will mention before I take a break from the forums for the night... Leading up to this, that same ear (my right one) sometimes would get blocked. It would ring (although not very loud) and get blocked up as if I had an ear infection. But there was no pain. I can't remember how frequently it happened.. But I know that it happened frequently enough to the point that I can remember it happening often. Maybe about once a week? It never really concerned me much because I did hear the ringing and I could barely hear until my ear finally popped and I could hear normal again. So maybe leaving that unattended had something to do with it? I thought it was maybe just sleeping on the wrong side of the bed or just random. It always went away within the day it started though. I guess thats why it didn't freak me out the first day I woke up with this. The second day I was freaking out hard core. Thats the first time I went to the ER. Does this bear any significance or am I just turning over every stone trying to find the answer?

I mean the whole Pot-Xanax thing was what worried me immediately... But when I think back, there's a lot of things including the ear blockage that could of caused it. But those other times it always went away, so whats so different this time?

To finish off, a few days before my T started, I had read something about just how much bacteria accumulate when you wear headphones. I'm always wearing earbuds when I'm on the phone with someone or my headset when I'm gaming (crossing my fingers that its not hearing loss related... But I do not recall any extremely loud noises in the days leading up to this.. I mean I do play my music a bit loud sometones, but before my T started, the volume was probably lower than usual. The only significant difference I can trace back to is the panic attack when I was smoking and thats when I took the xanax. My heart was beating so fast. I dont know why I paniced like that. Maybe the virus did something around that time that made me freak out? I mean I've done LSD before and had a not so great trip and freaked out probably even more for a much longer period of time. And im generally a stressed out person, so its not like my brain would think of it as extremely stressful compared to any other day.

Edit: I write a lot dont I? Ive always had somewhat racing thoughts tbh. Anyways, I've been suicidal since I can remember. I guess I just always find a reason to snap out of it. There was a point a while back where I almost went to a mental institution but I fear going to those places as I already feel like I have little control of my life, and don't want to sacrifice that last little bit that I do have. Plus I have a girlfriend thats long distance and while I'm sure she would survive a week without me, I dont know how well I would do. I would be probably more anxious than ever and they would probably never let me out of the place.

 

[SwiftLeo]

I may have started using q tips a day or two prior to this happening as well. I was very careful not to stick them down into my ear canal , just kind of rolled them gently along the outer edge of the ear canal. My ears have always been waxy... To the point where I can pull globs out if I tried but I know q tips are dangerous so I tried to be careful. I'm pretty sure ive had T for a while prior to this, but its always been so quiet that just a fan would completely block it out, and I could wear headphones and not hear whats going on inside my head. I think thats the biggest difference before and after. Cause I'm a gamer and its kind of hard to play certain games without a headset (I have one of those over the ear type sets) cause you have to communicate. I suppose if that's my problem ill just get one of those cheap one ear headsets and keep it on half volume so atleast I can communicate. I know this seems stupid but for some reason its one of the main concerns since this happened -.-I should note that its generally much better than it was originally. Somsfimes it spikes when I'm stressed but the pitch isnt as much of a ringing most of the time. Sometimes it fades out almost completely. J can't describe the sound. I guess it just sounds a bit blocked? Hopefully thate the case. Anyways, have my appt tomorrow so hopefully all goes well. I havent been able to get to sleep until 4-5am so ill have to stay up all night which is gonna suck (T spikes really bad when I'm overtired) but hopefully tomorrow will be the last day I have to worry about that.

My ears seem to randomly pop on their own too. I mean I can "click" my ears by swallowing, open one of them and hold it. But the other side I can only click. And ive been able to hold them both open before. So maybe it is just a blockage