Confession

[UKJon]

I have tried to avoid writing this for a long time. The fact is that tinnitus has always had suicidal connotations for me. During 2015, I was battered by them for months every day especially after losing my mother in December 2014.

I'm on medications and sleep very well with a sound system by my bed and I've been seeing doctors, audiologists and councillors, in fact everyone available that might be of help.

There have been many high points and many, many low ones and I've had some wonderful support on this site. However I cannot deny that I am still unable to function normally although I've pushed myself hard to get out and live. This T thing is all consuming although I've had some very good periods lately when I thought to myself 'this isn't really THAT bad you know. It's small. Many people have tinnitus far worse than you and eventually get used to it'.

I've had hundreds of panic attacks over the last year plus and had paramedics out to me three times with two visits to A & E because I was terrified about my own safety.

For the last two days, my tinnitus has become a little more reactive so that has undone so much recent hard work on my part to habituate. Tinnitus, anxiety, tinnitus, anxiety, round and round and round. How can I work? How can I date? How can I travel? How can I be happy?

You may be surprised to learn that my tinnitus is mild or even slight. I have silence at times when lying down. The reactive part of my tinnitus always goes down after a while. My PC is masking it now as I type. It's not 24/7 so I should feel lucky. I've met many people with this who all get on with their lives but I'm a prisoner still. Will it get worse? Will I become a hermit? Can I beat this anxious obsessing as so many have done?

I don't like to talk about the 's' word so I'll say no more about that but after 16/17 months shouldn't I be better? I'm just tired of fighting.

Sorry for the rant and I know many of you have sent me answers in the past but I have no one else to talk to at home.

Jonathan

 

[Mike L]

@UKJon


If you ever need help or need to talk message me on here. Its good to talk about your feelings especially if you have thoughts like that. I myself have been down this road to things unrelated to T and I know how bad it hurts to feel that way.

dont be ashamed of reaching out for help when help is needed my friend.

 

[Ricardo1991]

For the last two days, my tinnitus has become a little more reactive so that has undone so much recent hard work on my part to habituate. Tinnitus, anxiety, tinnitus, anxiety, round and round and round. How can I work? How can I date? How can I travel? How can I be happy?

You may be surprised to learn that my tinnitus is mild or even slight. I have silence at times when lying down. The reactive part of my tinnitus always goes down after a while. My PC is masking it now as I type. It's not 24/7 so I should feel lucky. I've met many people with this who all get on with their lives but I'm a prisoner still. Will it get worse? Will I become a hermit? Can I beat this anxious obsessing as so many have done?

I don't like to talk about the 's' word so I'll say no more about that but after 16/17 months shouldn't I be better? I'm just tired of fighting.

You know, in the past 2 months I've thought of this... SO. MANY. TIMES. I still get anxious about my tinnitus, but hey you know what if it never goes away, you're not alone; I have it, the person commenting above has it, the next person to comment on your thread has it. Let's stop counting the months dude I personally have to get in the mindset of forgetting December 23. It drove me crazy thinking "oh my God, what if it's here forever? How will I have fun anymore? How am I going to sleep at night? How am I going to live? I am going to London this year, how the heck will travelling affect the tinnitus? The infection? oh my God!"
If it's here forever, then it's here forever. It's just a unique characteristic of mine. I have eye floaters since I was probably like 10, when I was 16 I don't know how but I ended up getting more in my right eye, that gave me huge anxiety; I thought I was going to go blind, etc. Now, psshhh, they're just there but it doesn't bother me.
The nice thing is that I'm very similar to you, when I go to my room it used to be crazy unbearably loud. Now, it almost fades away and I can relax, have bedroom fun, etc. I don't hear it when I go outside (well, sometimes). Generally in restaurants I can have a good time without thinking about it very much.
I think the hard part is accepting that we have this condition and moving forward with our lives. Sure, it won't necessarily be the same because we have some weird phantom noise for some crazy cosmic reason.
I understand what you're going through bud
My boss has had tinnitus for 20+ years, you know what she told me? Ricardo, you have this condition that may or may not be there for the rest of your life. Does it really matter? Does this mean you can't own a dog? Does this mean you can't eat a slice of cake? No, it's just noise.
Also, we have to have faith that one day it might go away or there will be an effective cure! Look, even the site itself is doing a survey to present at the Nottingham Tinnitus Initiative! There is hope and our voices are being heard.
Hope today is a better day for you bud.
Ricardo

 

[UKJon]

My God! I've just been cooking and it's louder than ever. What am I going to do????? I'm terrified.

 

[Zora]

@UKJon hi jon, I am in the same situation as you. Mild T but anxiety through the roof. I am always terrified that it might get worse.

 

[glynis]

Hi UKJon,
Your reaction to tinnitus is more of a problem than the sound itself and over thinking about the past and future with tinnitus.
You will adapt and that's a positive thing adapting to tinnitus socially and mentally and physically.
Don't get in a rut not going out and mixing with people as this is what will help you and your confidence will come back and positivity too.....
Keep pushing for happiness and be proud of yourself too...lots of love glynis

 

[UKJon]

Wise words as always so thank you.

Unfortunately, I'm a reassurance junkie, always needing a fix from time to time. Tonight, my T calmed again as usual but my goodness, the panic a spike creates is overwhelming. I took a Valium and did some evening work that I thought I couldn't face tonight so bravo to me.

My character though is exactly the wrong one to deal with T and it's so hard to accept. I never really have even now. How nice it would be to stop struggling, drop the heavy baggage and just accept. Just doing that might reduce the anxiety levels. Anxiety and tinnitus however are intertwined and they love to feed off each other.

I also believe that there is a lot of latent anxiety present in the body at times. I spent much of today trying to relax but obviously there was still plenty of anxiety there subconsciously perhaps left over from previous days spent agonizing over T. I don't really know.

People without tinnitus or breakdown (both in my case) have no idea just how brave sufferers have to be. After all, they see nothing wrong. I'd like to come through this and be stronger and even triumphant and I can see those images of Rocky on those steps in Philadelphia.

Anyway, no doubt I'll be back at some point but I'm off to bed. It's funny. I always sleep. Some dread the night but I sleep pretty well.

Regards.

Jonathan

 

[RaZaH]

Do you get panic attacks ?

 

[UKJon]

Do you get panic attacks ?

Yes, terrible hyperventilating panic attacks that can last all day.