Devastated

[distres117]

Very much so! I wanted death. To give you an idea - I went to an emergency clinic b/c I was close to jumping off the roof of my building 4 days after I got tinnitus. The noise was so unbearably loud. I had told myself I was not going to live this life with this condition. I couldn't imagine being a good husband, family member, or friend with these terrible dark thoughts that clouded every thought and moment of my life. I ended up giving myself 30 days. If it wasn't better in 30 days I'd find a way to end it. I cried. I cried a lot. I was put on Ativan for anxiety. I suggest you talk to your Dr and let them know how you feel and the thoughts your having right now. Ativan worked for me when the suicidal thoughts decided to show up at certain points of the day. This was every single day. Thankfully those thoughts are gone.

For your dreaded nights: Can you go to a gym at night? I did speed walking on a treadmill for an hour at night to help exhaust me. Ativan also helped me get sleep along with Melatonin. I took both everyday. At 4 months in I take Ativan every 10 or so days. Melatonin 2 or 3 times a week.


Turning point for me was when I decided to stop fighting it. I put so much time, money, and energy to find the cause for my condition that I became emotionally and physically exhausted. I had been to over 10 different dr's looking for a cause or cure and I was out of gas. I was right around 3 months when I reached the turning point. I said, f-it! Enough is enough. This is going to be here forever and I need to learn to deal with it. For the sake of my wife and family and most importantly, me. Don't get me wrong, it's not all roses right now. I hear tinnitus over most things and it's nonstop. It still drives me nutty at times, but I've been able to hide it more and more throughout the day, as my focus has moved on from fixing it, to dealing with it. As someone said on here, recovery is not linear. It is a GRIND. I took some Ativan yesterday because I panicked about an overseas trip coming up in 2 weeks and trying to figure out how I was going to manage. This caused my tinnitus to scream in my left ear all night. But today is a different day, and in order to get on that flight I have to get through tomorrow. I have to remind myself to take it day by day and not think about weeks, months, or years out. It does no good to worry about the future when you need to figure out how to get through tomorrow. My apologies for the long post! Just know I (we) are with you!

That's how I feel now. I don't place the same value on things anymore, I'm not thinking weeks or months out anymore. I'm only dealing with what is currently staring me in the face., thinking like a mountain climber they say.

I'll probably try melatonin to help me sleep although I've heard there are some risks associated?

 

[Danikam]

@distres117
Reading your post brought me back to my own beginning with T. The fear and hopelessness....I was so scared that I would never be able to be who I once was and that T was stealing everything from me!!

I wish I could give you a hug!!!

You are in fight or flight!! The panic has set it and it is now the filter in which you view the possibilities for your life.....you are unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel...but it's there!!!

You will get a handle on this just has so many before you have. You will have your life back...I mean completely back...maybe even better with a new found strength and appreciation for the little things!!

With love and understanding I want you to know that you are not special...what I mean by that is you are not the exception to the rule that with time things will settle down, with time you will slowly get better, this will either resolve or you will habituate. The odds are in your favor on this!!

I was almost hospitalized when my T came on, that's how devastating it was for me. I cried all day every day and couldn't function.
I was obsessed and could only talk about, think about T.
I just knew that it would never get better, I would never accept this and my life was over....I was wrong!!

Today I am fully habituated, I only come to the support boards to offer support!

I do not care about my T!!!

You can beat this too!!

Please reach out if you ever need support!!!

You are going to be ok!!!
This feeling of devastation is temporary!!!

 

[Jazzer]

Had lunch with work colleagues and first time we had a genuine conversation. I feel somehow more bold in how I relate to people. I feel more empathy. I feel I can connect on a deeper level. The old me was very quick to judge, to pick sides, to have strong reactions to things. The new me speaks slower, but more deliberately. Is it healthy to think in these terms (old/new)?

We had lunch outside, it is a lovely day and I couldn't help but acknowledge how much more the old me would have enjoyed that. I shed some tears under my sunglasses, I'm trying to be strong as my wife wants me to be. I'm leaning on her so much now, I feel ashamed. I didn't let them see me cry, I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm going to be posting a lot here and much of it will be stream-of-conciousness style until I am able to talk to a professional. This is a helpful outlet right now, and my only source of T-specific support.

Dear 117 - I feel every word you have written here.
I pictured you having lunch outside, suffering and quietly crying to yourself behind your sun-glasses, to save others from pain.
That was me to a 'T".
Very poignant, very sad, heart wrenching, but I have to say to you, full of courage, honesty and integrity.
Your 'stream-of-consciousness' style of writing will help you.
Expressing our selves on paper, particularly to people that understand, helps us to gain some perspective, and helps us to put our thoughts in some kind of order, rather than running around in a blind panic, or sinking into despair.
Writing our deepest thoughts and feelings actually confirms our humanity, helps us to appreciate our own heroic courage, and basically, helps us to
"keep all our ducks in a row!'
(Do you still remember bath time?)

Your lovely wife will help you, and will come to understand things a little better, as you gently explain some aspects to her.

Very best wishes my friend,
keep writing - you're a natural,
learn some meditation techniques if you can,
and know that eventually you will be okay,
because it will dawn on you that life is still worth living.
xx

PS - on a practical level, I have found low dose Melatonin gives me better, longer sleep.
I use just a 2 mg tablet, and a pill cutter,
taking only 1 mg a night.
It works like magic for me.

 

[Thewife]

Hello distres117. This is your wife. <3
I am happy to see that there is a great and supportive community here. Does anyone have any recommendations as to how spouses can help their loved ones deal with this condition? I am trying to help my husband view things from a practical perspective, i.e. this is what you need to do to get sleep at night, to relax, to distract yourself, to find support, etc. I am trying to teach him to be tough by focusing on other things. Are there other things (besides emotional support) that I can be doing right now?

 

[emmalee]

Hello distres117. This is your wife. <3
I am happy to see that there is a great and supportive community here. Does anyone have any recommendations as to how spouses can help their loved ones deal with this condition? I am trying to help my husband view things from a practical perspective, i.e. this is what you need to do to get sleep at night, to relax, to distract yourself, to find support, etc. I am trying to teach him to be tough by focusing on other things. Are there other things (besides emotional support) that I can be doing right now?

Hello @Thewife.

Just coming here and posting this message speaks volumes, @distres117 is very fortunate to have you as his wife. I have only myself and this makes it tough, having someone like you will help your husband more than you can ever know.

Offer a listening ear, a gentle hug and understanding. In other words, just be there, especially now when it is still quite new.

 

[distres117]

I have been watching Julian Cowan Hill on youtube a lot lately. Mostly during the early mornings when I can't sleep. I am also intent on ending this thread on a positive note. His recommendations for body-based therapies and practices have inspired me to schedule an appointment with a cranialsacal therapist. The idea that stimulating the body to get out of the mind is so powerful and makes a lot of sense. I have lived almost exclusively in my mind so it makes perfect sense that this condition affects me so significantly right now.

He also talks about the power and impact of negative thoughts and words especially in forums such as this one. So from now on I will try to turn my attention away from what I have lost in the way I used to live and turn my attention towards healing, self-care and perhaps recovery. Thank you all for your kind words.

 

[New Guy]

It takes time to get used to t and it can change over time. The first month is the hardest and what you're feeling is completely natural. I haven't gotten used to my t but I'm better than the first month. Focus on doing what you need to to get through the day and don't think about the future. Focus on what you can do to make your day as easy as possible with t.

If you haven't read any posts about sound enrichment I recommend that. You play nature noises just below the level of your t so you don't focus on it. It can help you have some peace. There is a company called sound oasis that makes sound enrichment machines and you can find them on amazon. I recommend an S5000 next to your bed and an S650 for around the house where you spend most of your time. Sound enrichment saved my sanity when I first got t.

Your ears are probably more sensitive to noise now due to something called hyperacusis. You want to continue exposing your ears to noise but not too much noise or your t may increase. You may want to bring ear plugs or hearing protectors when you'll be around very noisy environments. I'm not an expert on hyperacusis so look for a post by @Michael Leigh about how to deal with it.

If you read my first post I was just as lost. I've still got a way to go but things are getting better.

 

[New Guy]

I couldn't imagine being a good husband, family member, or friend with these terrible dark thoughts that clouded every thought and moment of my life.

@housemzk Thank you for being so honest. I wish you didn't have to go through that but it will help others to know that they can get through this too.

 

[Michael Leigh]

He also talks about the power and impact of negative thoughts and words especially in forums such as this one. So from now on I will try to turn my attention away from what I have lost in the way I used to live and turn my attention towards healing, self-care and perhaps recovery. Thank you all for your kind words.

HI @distres117

You are new to tinnitus. I and others in this forum understand this quite well. I advise you not to start any treatment at this stage as it's far too soon in my opinion. The suggestions that @New Guy has given you are good and I advise you to follow them. The onset of tinnitus can make a person feel stressed and depressed and is quite understandable. This will improve with time. Talk to your Dr and you may be advised an antidepressant can help with your moods. Please click on the links below and read my posts which you may find helpful.

All the best
Michael

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/new-to-tinnitus-what-to-do.12558/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-a-personal-view.18668/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/hyperacusis-as-i-see-it.19174/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/is-positivity-important.23150/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-and-the-negative-mindset.23705/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/acquiring-a-positive-mindset.23969/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/the-ent-doctor-and-hearing-therapist.24047/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/inspiration.22894/

 

[dayma]

I would suggest seeking a therapist asap. You are showing clear signs of depression. It's good to get in front of it now rather than later. This does not mean giving up on trying to resolve your T. It's learning to cope with it and reduce your stress levels.

 

[New Guy]

@Thewife

At this stage the best thing you can do is be supportive which you're doing a great job at. Your husband probably has some form of depression along with increased anxiety. This is natural. I don't know your personalities but he may want to talk about his t. If he does let him talk even though you don't have the answer. He just wants to talk to a breathing person about what's going on (Again, I don't know your personalities, there are men that like/need to discuss what is going on). Just listening is all he needs which women seem so much better at than men.

I would get him the Sound Oasis S5000 to keep next to the bed. It is going to help him sleep. He should play that just below the level of his t with some form of nature sound on it, not music.

Again, I don't know your personalities but he may not want to socialize much right now. Big gatherings of people, especially loud gatherings, may not be of interest.

School functions may be difficult, if he has hyperacusis he won't want to go to a child's band recital because it will be too loud. This husband had trouble with an open house for the next year of school because I was afraid the volume of the public speaker may be too much for me. Going to these events was like an out of body experience for me. It was awkward.

There are some health issues where you can take some pills and rest and things will get better in a week to a month. t is not one of them. It's going to take a while to adapt to t or for it to go away and the more patient you can be with your husband the better.

Your husband is lucky to have you.

 

[john paul]

Hello distres117. This is your wife. <3
I am happy to see that there is a great and supportive community here. Does anyone have any recommendations as to how spouses can help their loved ones deal with this condition? I am trying to help my husband view things from a practical perspective, i.e. this is what you need to do to get sleep at night, to relax, to distract yourself, to find support, etc. I am trying to teach him to be tough by focusing on other things. Are there other things (besides emotional support) that I can be doing right now?

He could try exercise which will help his mood and make him feel tired. Also Camomile tea before bed and a relaxing bath to get him in a relaxed frame of mind. He might want to get a sound machine or a sound pillow so it doesn't disturb you but still mask the noise. (this is vital to get to sleep in the early months) Personally i use a smart phone with a sound app playing rain placed under my pillow sometimes which means i don't have to change my pillow. If he is still struggling then i would suggest seeking medical help and get some safe to use sleeping tablets. A good sleep is vital in having a low volume day the next day so decent sleep is really important. As new guy says he probably won't wanna do any socialising its a very tough thing to battle, his mind will not be focused on anything other than worry most likely and i found that trying and failing to live a normal life can be even more demoralising. Its a very very scary and lonely place and it cant really be put into words just how much suffering he is going through so as negative as it sounds its a very serious situation we are all facing here sadly. Depression really crippled me for a quite a while but i seem to have come out of it as things got better for me luckily but its still a roller coaster of emotions. Its very draining and consuming, it feels like an eternal fight and an eternal struggle, masking the sound is the only real way to deal with it but hopefully as time goes on he will need to use it less and less. Best of luck to both of you.

 

[Starthrower]

I have not lost all those aspects. And I am promising myself not to do so. My wife is a rock and she is saving me. What I mean by being alone is during those long nights where she is sound asleep and I am not.

Oh. I understand @distress117. This can be such a lonely time at night awake and it is dark and your wife is sleeping and you sit alone and think and feel and stress and so on and so on. It takes a toll on your self esteem and worth and you feel unworthy of her love and companionship. You doubt your ability to be the strong person and fear she will see this in you. The noise is so disturbing.....

You are only in month one! This process with tinnitus is or can be a battle to overcome. Be kind to yourself and don't doubt your self worth.

My wife is a rock and she is saving me.

My husband was/is the same way and after some time I began to just move on. But, it hit me hard and fast and I was housebound for one year. He carried me literally from doctor to doctor. I felt so...belittled and weak and dependent and I was on the way to law school and independent and smart and ready to reach my life goal.

Each day do something small to advance yourself. Get up and take a walk. Do a small project around the home.
There is so much more but his post would be way too long.....

Hello distres117. This is your wife. <3
I am happy to see that there is a great and supportive community here. Does anyone have any recommendations as to how spouses can help their loved ones deal with this condition? I am trying to help my husband view things from a practical perspective, i.e. this is what you need to do to get sleep at night, to relax, to distract yourself, to find support, etc. I am trying to teach him to be tough by focusing on other things. Are there other things (besides emotional support) that I can be doing right now?

@Thewife wow so great you are here to see how our support works! At this very early stage just understand how he must feel (I am sure you are already doing this). The first month is so hard. Imagine having the sound of squeaking brakes in your brain non-stop. Laying down to sleep with anxiety and hearing that sound get louder and louder. It affects our body in so many ways.


Are there other things (besides emotional support) that I can be doing right now?

Have you been to your general doctor yet? For me the best way was to get medication for anxiety and sleep in that first month and then begin to find other ways which can be given later for distress to start living again. This can be a short term first step that is necessary for right now.

 

[New Guy]

Its a very very scary and lonely place and it cant really be put into words just how much suffering he is going through so as negative as it sounds its a very serious situation we are all facing here sadly.

John Paul you nailed it on the head and brought a tear to my eye.

 

[dkota]

If it gets too hard to handle, see a doctor. There are meds that can help to cope.