Here's the long version of how the emotional roller coaster ride of getting tinnitus was for me
When I first realized I had tinnitus and I began to learn how serious it was- I was beyond devastated.
Fearful to the extreme, depressed and suicidal- and it was relatively mild at that stage.
I believe my ears became comprised by lifelong cumulative over-exposure to dangerous noise levels.
I have been playing electric guitar since I was 12 in 1983.
I began going to lots of excruciatingly loud heavy metal concerts in clubs and concert halls before I even hit puberty.
Because of hassles about my long hair I ended up working in construction where muscles are more important than looks.
My ears Permanently damaged before I was even done growing.
Fast forward to 2016 when I was working 15 hours a day 6 days a week non-stop for almost 2 years in a prison kitchen using an industrial pot and pan washer that had been modified so that any parts that were not absolutely necessary were stripped off the washer = no noise barriers.
This was done so that prisoners could not steal these metal parts and make weapons and also so the guards could easily see directly inside the machine in case someone decided to send a child molester through the steaming hot washer to cleanse his soul and meet his maker.
(Yes-of course someone did it. If there is some totally absurd rule or restriction preventing a prisoner from doing something- its because other prisoners already did it.)
The kitchen was a brutally loud environment to begin with and the majority of convicts seemed genetically incapable of placing down a 60 pound solid stainless mixing bowl without dropping it from at least a foot above the ground.
Resulting in a sound that will temporarily deafen anyone within ten yards.
Also, everyone in there is always screaming down the corridors at the top of their lungs like wounded animals and cell doors are constantly being slammed shut on you.
......my ears began ringing constantly and I just figured it would stop when I got out of jail and away from that environment.
In the meantime to cope I paid the guy who mops the tier a bag of Folgers Instant Coffee every week to move a 1950's era industrial fan right near my cell.
It sounded like a single prop propeller but with an electric motor.
Perfect for masking my tinnitus.
Well to my dismay- the ringing didn't stop when I got released and now that I had internet access I found out what tinnitus was.
I immediately learned that if I began protecting my ears then maybe it would get better- but what I didn't learn yet was the word OTOTOXICITY.
My Cryptonite
So instead of being happy and free I was suicidal, depressed, having panic attacks, sleep deprived, hopeless, helpless and a walking nervous breakdown.
I couldn't believe or accept what I had done to myself.
I was supposed to be on top of the world after being let out of my jail after 2 years- healthy, happy, free and starting my new life with a fresh start.
So...with the cooperation of my doctors at Mass General - including an ENT at Mass Eye and Ear - I began medicating with an array of ototoxic drugs to calm my hysteria.
Not once was it mentioned that these drugs were poisonous to the inner ear for someone with tinnitus.
My tinnitus got consistently progressively worse at an alarming rate.
Like a significant noticeable increase a few times a week.
I also became physically and psychologically dependent on the drugs that were making my tinnitus worse.
By the time I discovered what Ototoxicity was on my own thru Tinnitus Talk - I could hear my tinnitus outside and I could not put my ear against a pillow at night.
When I fully realized the predicament I had placed myself in-
being addicted to the drugs that were making my tinnitus worse and that I needed at the time to cope with it.
Suicide was greeting me warmly with open arms at this point.
After a couple of serious self-induced overdoses I realized that EMT's are way too good a resuscitation techniques these days -
So I had a change of heart or maybe it was the brain damage from the OD's.
Either way - I decided I was going to try to live with tinnitus and see how it goes.
I began to wean myself off each drug one at a time- which was not so bad because I quit the worse drugs first and covered up the withdrawal symptoms by upping the dose of all the other drugs I was still on.
In the end I just had to quit Gabapentin cold turkey- but I still had IPA and POT to ease my agony.
By the time I was off everything my tinnitus was so severe that I just stopped caring about how bad it was getting.
Coincidentally-I had also hit that 2 year point where many people begin to accept it to some degree.
Although I still can't get over what I had done to my life in those 2 short years.
So in the early stages when I had relatively mild tinnitus I was a suicidal wreck.
Now I am in a living hell with very severe tinnitus - yet I am no longer afraid or hopeless and have chosen to see this thing thru for as long as I can.
How does that work for me?
Well-I hate to say it.
But once I came to accept the fact that my hopes, dreams, goals and expectations are crushed -
everything became less complicated.
I just let it all go.
And for anyone who says it doesn't have to be that way for me - well with this level of intense ringing I cant even focus or concentrate enough to fully empty my bladder when standing at the toilet.
I stand there feeling like some de-formed misfit with multiple tones and frequencies
screaming in my head.
I go to work in construction doing a job that I can safely do blindfolded and half-asleep.
I used to do it proficiently while high as giraffes balls on Xanax and Narcotics-
so no problems there yet.
My best childhood friend is my boss-
so I am allowed to do whatever it takes to protect my ears.
I go to the gym and still have my prison muscles and a six pack at age 50.
And yes- working out maxes out my tinnitus level as the heart pumps all that blood past my ears- but I suck it up like some insane savage.
I don't gain weight because eating is miserable.
I have to chew so slowly and carefully or my tinnitus will get so loud that my head spins and my eyes blur.
A great indicator of how loud this shit can and possibly will get- trust me your better off not knowing.
So if your ears are compromised from noise exposure and you now have tinnitus -
the door has been opened for Ototoxic meds to poison your ears.
If you don't have tinnitus you can probably eat meds like candy and have no issues.
But once that ringing starts - its a whole different ball game.
If you have tinnitus for whatever reason-
Don't ever let anyone tell you that it's impossible that such a small one time dose of meds wont make it worse.
Or my all time favorite- "There's absolutely nothing in that drug that can hurt your ears".
BULLSHIT.
Everyone is different- you may be able to take an ototoxic drug and have no issues.
For real- so don't necessarily just not take a needed med because it's ototoxic.
Think about trying it because you may have no issues.
I am extremely susceptible to ototoxicity to a degree that seems to be absurdly rare.
Yet even I was able to get thru an emergency course of very powerful meds that I thought would surely push me over the edge of insanity- but nothing happened.
But if I take an 800mg Ibuprofen or a 30mg
adderall I'm in hell.
Too bad because the adderall could be perfect for when someone with tinnitus needs to focus on something very important.
And ibuprofen is the only thing that allows me to get thru the second half off a workday without knee pain.
Unfortunately both are off the table for me.
But I still got beer!!!
(Thank you sweet Jesus, thank you).
Anyway.
I am willing to bet that most people new to tinnitus will be in a much better state of mind after a couple years or so.
Most will find ways to cope without giving up their hopes and dreams- and many will end up not even bothered by it anymore.
Yes Sir - most of you people freaking out right now are going to be perfectly fine.
Almost impossible to believe at first-
trust me I know and getting hysterical for the first couple years is a common reaction.
But we're not making this up for the hell of it.
Call it habituation or acceptance or whatever you think it is that happens.
But something does change after a couple years and the way you are feeling now will be completely replaced by something much more tolerable.
It WILL happen for you too if you let it-
I promise.
Most of you newbies are going to be just fine .......for the most part.
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