Emotional Night... So Disappointed in Myself

[Pero1234]

A month after self-inflicted tinnitus and probably hearing loss. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions... after the standard medication and exhausting oxygen therapy I've been spending the last two weeks trying to carry on with my life.

Promised myself and my wife to be strong and focus on the good things of life.

Good days and bad days. The anxiety and regret is worse than the T. Will it get worse? Am I experiencing (hidden) hearing loss? Etc...

Tonight was the worst. Couldn't sleep and started crying uncontrollably. My wife witnessed me sobbing like a toddler.

About all the things I blew: all dreams, plans I was working on... things we were working on... all suddenly seemed useless and unattainable.

I am so exhausted I can't find the energy to enjoy my photography studies after work...

Can't find my drive or focus at work... even though I recently got promoted and could choose a new company car. Something I had looked forward to for years.

I'm scared of losing everything because of my lack of focus and this state I am in.

My wife and I went through a rough patch a while ago... these last 6 months we were on the right track again. At New Year we promised this would become our year... a year for fun and simplicity.

Now this... I feel like she deserves better. I feel like I'll never again be the man again she deserves :-/

On top of it all, I still feel guilty cause I still don't know if I gave one of my dogs tinnitus too... by being so careless with the volume that day. No matter how I try... I keep imagining one dog sending signals that she's experiencing the same...

So disappointed in all this... don't know how to regain my passion and focus in my career and in life... and the fun in my relationship. We do need some fun...

Whenever I felt down of stressed... I would find comfort in music... but even that has gone now.

Sorry for the emo post... but this is the only place where I know people will understand.

I'm gonna try and pick myself up tomorrow. But tonight... I'm shattered.

 

[Starthrower]

Hi Pero,

So sorry to read that you are struggling. What you are experiencing is normal and much like the grief process. There are different levels that are not the same for everyone when you are healing emotionally and physically.

The anxiety and regret is worse than the T.

The anxiety can be treated Pero. Have you seen a doctor yet? Regret is a process that is very hard to overcome. The past cannot be changed but the outlook for your future can be directed to a better path. In one's own time you just let go of the regret and move onward because you know it is right. You have a great life at home now.

I'm scared of losing everything because of my lack of focus and this state I am in.

This will pass Pero. But it seems like you need help with finding the right direction. Is the problem your actual tinnitus loudness or because of the blame, shame and guilt associated with how this happened?

On top of it all, I still feel guilty cause I still don't know if I gave one of my dogs tinnitus too..

Just know dogs are your soul mate friends. They are there for you and can sense your sadness and this may be affecting them. Cuddle and love them even more. I doubt they are suffering Pero.

What I can say is you will be okay. This is SO new for you and it takes time to come to terms with everything. But you may need some therapy just to talk it out with someone else. Grief is a very tricky emotion.

Are you feeling any better at all?

 

[New Guy]

I could have written that post too Pero. I broke down in tears two times today and I got T 4 weeks ago. My reaction started as anxiety but I've been slipping into a depression. I've also felt the guilt. We have to let go of it and work on moving forward. I know that's what I should be doing. Right now I'm not doing too well.

The wonderful people on this site have assured me that this is just the first phase of T and we'll get back to enjoying what we once did. You'll be taking that sweet ride to your kids soccer games, the grocery store and who knows what else.

After sobbing twice this afternoon the highlight of my day was dinner with my family. I had some white noise playing and during dinner I didn't focus on the T one bit. Another cool thing is doing the dishes blocks out my T. It's a win for me and a win for my wife!

We're going to beat this. We're going to be our old self. We just need to give it time.

 

[jjflyman]

I'm gonna try and pick myself up tomorrow. But tonight... I'm shattered.

That is a great way to describe getting T,"shattered". I have had T 2 times in my life, and it remains the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. The good news for you is you are very early in the T, and it will almost certainly fade significantly over the next 12 months. My first T (acoustic trauma) was screaming loud for months, but it faded completely away in about 2 years.
I am in a second bout (acoustic trauma from loud concert) again, it was screaming loud for months, but 18 months later, it is 90% faded.
Most people who get noise induced T have it fade over time (1-2 years) and it either fades completely or it becomes a non issue. I know it's hard to believe, but most likely it will fade, possible to zero. (mine did)
Protect your ears from loud noise and no earbuds.

 

[Pero1234]

Thanks all... for these heartfelt replies. They were exactly what I needed.

I know in my heart they are true.

I will talk to my doctor and discuss getting some help to get through this.

I do consider downsizing all activities where I put myself under pressure: Photography Courses, side projects, house improvements... and use that time to spend with loved ones, read, do some sports... and see to it that I can keep my job. I will try to consider my many side projects not as failed or unattainable, but just put on hold, until I beat this anxiety.

@Starthrower it's not the loudness but my guilt and regret that cause my lack of focus.

Again thanks all... dawn is here and birds are chirping. Dawn is more forgiving and kind than the night.

PS: I have a test drive coming up with a car I always considered to be my dream car. Not sure I'll be able to enjoy that high quality sound system as much but still, I do consider myself very lucky and am grateful for the life I have and chances I got. I will not let myself go and throw it all away.

 

[Holly1987]

Pero you're not alone, I completely understand. Last weekend I sat on my bedroom floor at 3am in the morning and sobbed uncontrollably for hours. I was a shaking sobbing mess.

I've never lost it like that before and was rather shocked by my behaviour. Tinnitus is so so terrifying, it's completely understandable you are struggling.

I hope things improve for you soon, I'm thinking of you xx

 

[New Guy]

Seeing as we're trying to distract ourselves I was watching Rambo 1 on TV this week. At the end of the movie after Rambo unloads a belt of 30 caliber ammo on the computers with no hearing protection he's talking to colonel Troutman, his former commanding officer. Troutman says, "How are you going to live?" to which Rambo replies in a low gutteral tone, "Day by Day."

I think we have to start each day as fresh as we can right now and not carry one day into the next.

I'm talking to myself here and trying to find a way to move forward.

 

[Mikael]

I'm glad I'm not alone, my doctor is not taking me seriously anymore, He must think I'm hypochondriac. I've been suffering from tinnitus for over 15 years. It is not getting better. Well, I guess it can't get any worse either. I'm at the stage where I'd rather be deaf.

 

[New Guy]

@Mikael

Welcome to the forum.

From what I've read deaf people can have T too. The thought crossed my mind, briefly, as well.

 

[Mikael]

The biggest problem for me is, that some ppl just won't take you seriously. ''You have ringing in your ears'', So what!? It will pass. don't worry about it...I've been waiting for it to pass for the last 15 years.

 

[New Guy]

Hopefully people on this forum can help you, and me, learn how to cope with it better.

 

[Bazan]

Hi P, just sending you some love and support ok I'm 4 months into this and 3 weeks ago I ended up in a rehab type place for the anxiety and depression that I had spiralled into, but I can't believe what I'm writing things have slowly began to get better I still hear the tinnitus but it's becoming more of an annoyance, the aniexty has calmed down and the depression has lifted, iv cryed everyday since my onset in November, I'm still off work but am beginning to feel like my old self and everything the depression took from me hobbies, etc iv slowly getting back into , the key is time my friend you will get there and it not fair we have to go through this but it will makes us stronger , it's also made me appreciate life much more now things are begining to settle down,

 

[Pero1234]

Hey all... thx for the encouraging words. We're in this together.

@Bazan you are right when it comes to appreciate life more. I have always been someone who is focused on the negative. What could still be improved or what is not good enough? When someone called me a perfectionist... I took it as a compliment.

On one hand this pushed me to face my fears, build a career, chase goals and push myself to achieve things...

On the other hand... looking back on the last fifteen years... I have been content, but never truly, blissfully happy.

And there a lot of occasions that could have been awesome (not perfect, but awesome) and I ruined them because of this attitude. There was always something in the back of my mind, saying: this is ok, but wouldn't it be better if... or if only that.

This insight struck me so hard after getting T and hidden hearing loss... I think for me part of my grief comes from this realization. Ironically... T is a real eye opener.

I don't want to lose another of those moments... and now really live consciously towards those moments. With friends... family... and dogs

You know... the simple things.

I really hope to look back one day and say T forced me change my life... for the better.

(And hopefully add "and two years later they found the cure" ;-)

 

[Anthonyr]

It will fade or you will learn to cope. I've had tinnitus for 6 months. Felt suicidal at the beginning. But, now my life feels like it was before tinnitus. You just have to stay strong and focus on the good things that you have. Definitely try find a good masking sound as well. If nights and sleeping are a problem.

You will get through this.

 

[Mikael]

6 months? I have had it for 16 years! And definitely use some masking sound. I use classical music, it helps me to sleep.

 

[Jomo]

i guess im a veteran now lol still new to it but im telling you it gets easier and easier...the sound will change and the EEEing will subside...in the beginning i couldnt even fathom hearing it and it would get louder without any sound in a room....now its steady for the most part...i dont stay in silence but when i have to its no big deal....im used to it now....its just a sound that tells me my computer brain is working and is humming just like when you turn on your computer. The hardest part is adapting but once you do it becomes easier...i suggest finding a good masking sound to help you sleep....try this out...i listen to this at work and it blends well with the T...it almost trains your brain because the sound is not as scary when it is watered down. Best of luck and hang in there