Family Doesn't Understand! Help!

[LB88]

I don't have much of a support system. My mom is really sick so I can't bother her and my husband never gets sick and does not seem to really get it. He says he cares but his actions don't show it and he just goes on like everything is normal and meanwhile I feel like I'm drowning.

I go to doctor after doctor and try to fix this so there's not an added burden on my family but I can't just wish it away and it's just not getting better. My son is too young so it's not fair but he tends to side with my husband. I think my husband feels some resentment that he got "stuck" with me because he has more on his plate now. Not that he would ever admit it but I'm definitely a burden. I really don't have anyone else. No close friends or family. I don't know how to make him understand or if it's even worth it.

I just feel angry and sad that not only do I suffer, but alone...not to mention that I'm actually an annoyance too.

How do other people handle it when their family just can't seem to get how hard this is??? I look ok so I must be ok?!

Life goes on around me and my tinnitus, I get that, but I could use some kindness and compassion too. I'm either super sad or super angry and I'm just getting sick and tired of it. I sound childish but it's just not fair!!!

 

[TuneOut]

I don't have much of a support system. My mom is really sick so I can't bother her and my husband never gets sick and does not seem to really get it. He says he cares but his actions don't show it and he just goes on like everything is normal and meanwhile I feel like I'm drowning.

I go to doctor after doctor and try to fix this so there's not an added burden on my family but I can't just wish it away and it's just not getting better. My son is too young so it's not fair but he tends to side with my husband. I think my husband feels some resentment that he got "stuck" with me because he has more on his plate now. Not that he would ever admit it but I'm definitely a burden. I really don't have anyone else. No close friends or family. I don't know how to make him understand or if it's even worth it.

I just feel angry and sad that not only do I suffer, but alone...not to mention that I'm actually an annoyance too.

How do other people handle it when their family just can't seem to get how hard this is??? I look ok so I must be ok?!

Life goes on around me and my tinnitus, I get that, but I could use some kindness and compassion too. I'm either super sad or super angry and I'm just getting sick and tired of it. I sound childish but it's just not fair!!!

Tell your husband to wear headphones with tinnitus-like sounds playing until he can't stand it any longer. Then tell him to keep wearing them for the rest of his life.

 

[BLane]

Hi LB88, Prior to tinnitus I was probably a bit like your husband. I never had a sickness or injury that I couldn't deal with. When others would talk about their issues, I'd think to myself, "What a pansy....I've got aches and pains but you don't hear me crying about it." Then T struck. Having this condition REALLY opened my eyes to the suffering of others. It taught me not to judge or make assumptions, but to listen to others' pain. Because the T is so intrusive for those of us who have it, it's hard not to want to talk about with others. I can't count how many times I've brought up my T to people only to watch their eyes glaze over. They can't understand it, but how could they? Then I discovered that thinking and talking about it with others actually made T worse. My wife used to ask me, "How's your ears doing today?" Eventually I asked her not to ask me anymore, which has helped a lot towards habituation. Anyhow, the point is that people aren't going to understand...including ENTs, but the fine folks here at Tinnitus Talk do. Hang in there. =)

 

[Kolisar]

I don't have much of a support system. My mom is really sick so I can't bother her and my husband never gets sick and does not seem to really get it. He says he cares but his actions don't show it and he just goes on like everything is normal and meanwhile I feel like I'm drowning.

I go to doctor after doctor and try to fix this so there's not an added burden on my family but I can't just wish it away and it's just not getting better. My son is too young so it's not fair but he tends to side with my husband. I think my husband feels some resentment that he got "stuck" with me because he has more on his plate now. Not that he would ever admit it but I'm definitely a burden. I really don't have anyone else. No close friends or family. I don't know how to make him understand or if it's even worth it.

I just feel angry and sad that not only do I suffer, but alone...not to mention that I'm actually an annoyance too.

How do other people handle it when their family just can't seem to get how hard this is??? I look ok so I must be ok?!

Life goes on around me and my tinnitus, I get that, but I could use some kindness and compassion too. I'm either super sad or super angry and I'm just getting sick and tired of it. I sound childish but it's just not fair!!!

Hi @LB88. I am very sorry to hear that you are not receiving the support you need from your family. I, personally, completely understand.

I have said many times before here, and in your case I feel it can be repeated; I do not think that your family are, intentionally, being uncaring. It is extremely difficult for people who are not suffering from tinnitus to understand how debilitating it can be. They have no frame of reference. I liken it to when I am asked "what is it like being an identical twin?", I usually reply "what is it like not being an identical twin?". If the question does not make it obvious, I have never not been an identical twin, so I have nothing to compare being one to.

Similarly, your husband and family do not have tinnitus, or probably have any idea what you are experiencing. While I would probably not use the precise working in @TuneOut 's suggestion, he makes a good point. If you can find a way to give them some idea of what you are experiencing, it may help elicit the compassion and sympathy you need. But, be patient with them, this is extremely difficult to understand for someone who has had the good fortune to not experience it.

If not, you have us. A forum filled with caring, sympathetic, compassionate people who do understand what you are experiencing. And, please keep in mind that you are not alone in this struggle. We are here with you, and will be here for you.

Anger is normal with tinnitus, as if feeling alone and isolated. I also understand the lack of friends (I won't go into all that here, I want to focus on you), but, again, while we may all be "virtual", you will find friends here; certainly in the capacity of understanding and being sympathetic to your struggles. You will always find people here who will listen, offer comfort, and support.

And, please do not feel that you are being childish. It is not childish to want to be heard, to be considered, and to have your feelings and struggles acknowledged. It is unfair that you cannot get the support you need at home. But, I hope you find comfort in knowing that you can and will receive it here.

I hope that you do find what you need here. Please reach out if I can help. You should not have to feel like you are fighting this alone.

 

[missingsilence]

I'm sorry that you too have to go through this. I had similar (although not to this extent) issues with having someone close to me understand what this really feels like and how it affects various aspects of your life.

I agree with Tuneout's suggestion, find the frequency of your tinnitus and play it to your husband to have him hear what you are constantly going through. Not to be aggressive, but to seek understanding. Calmly talking about how you feel and how it affects you is important.

 

[fishbone]

I don't have much of a support system. My mom is really sick so I can't bother her and my husband never gets sick and does not seem to really get it. He says he cares but his actions don't show it and he just goes on like everything is normal and meanwhile I feel like I'm drowning.

I go to doctor after doctor and try to fix this so there's not an added burden on my family but I can't just wish it away and it's just not getting better. My son is too young so it's not fair but he tends to side with my husband. I think my husband feels some resentment that he got "stuck" with me because he has more on his plate now. Not that he would ever admit it but I'm definitely a burden. I really don't have anyone else. No close friends or family. I don't know how to make him understand or if it's even worth it.

I just feel angry and sad that not only do I suffer, but alone...not to mention that I'm actually an annoyance too.

How do other people handle it when their family just can't seem to get how hard this is??? I look ok so I must be ok?!

Life goes on around me and my tinnitus, I get that, but I could use some kindness and compassion too. I'm either super sad or super angry and I'm just getting sick and tired of it. I sound childish but it's just not fair!!!

In all honesty, it's hard for people to understand, what we are going through. They might understand, if they are going through something similar. It's a tough one i agree, you just have to be strong and stand your ground. No matter what family member it is. Always protect your ears and let them know how you feel.

It's not easy, but we have no choice....

 

[Tinker Bell]

Tell your husband to wear headphones with tinnitus-like sounds playing until he can't stand it any longer. Then tell him to keep wearing them for the rest of his life.

Yes, absolutely do this. My family has been very supportive, but it's still difficult to describe a sound only you can hear in a way that others can fully understand.

Early on my young daughter kept asking what it sounded like. I found a sound that was a bit similar and played just a few seconds for her. She started crying and hugged me, told me she was so sorry.

Or just put the noise on, quietly in the room where your spouse is. Maybe use a Bluetooth speaker. When he asks what the annoying noise is, explain that it's the sound of your tinnitus. Or be mean and ask what sound?

 

[LB88]

Thank you for all the suggestions! I know nobody can ever fully get it, but feeling more disconnected and alone doesn't help either.

I will try calmly talking with my family and letting them hear the sound (which is mix of hissing and cicadas ALL the time at a very high pitch). It is pretty hard when even the doctors don't get it. I took my husband to the doctor a few times hoping that would help him understand and they ended up talking about golf. It was pretty depressing. The doctor minimized my situation and further validated "nothing" was wrong with me. I get that there's no cure and it's not life threatening, but it is still incredibly hard to live with it. In many ways, I think maybe even harder than something that is more understood in our society. It's very sad but I guess it is what it is!

 

[Kolisar]

I will try calmly talking with my family and letting them hear the sound (which is mix of hissing and cicadas ALL the time at a very high pitch).

I found that this is very helpful. Letting them hear what you hear will, hopefully, help them understand.

Please let us know what happens.

 

[Jake007]

He says he cares but his actions don't show it and he just goes on like everything is normal and meanwhile I feel like I'm drowning.

I go through this with my wife, she acts like it's nothing.

I don't know how to make him understand or if it's even worth it.

I tried to make my wife understand, and I just gave up cause it was useless and kept everything to myself.

I just feel angry and sad that not only do I suffer, but alone...

I feel you there but, you are not alone, not here. We are all here for each other.

How do other people handle it when their family just can't seem to get how hard this is??? I look ok so I must be ok?!

It's tough to be honest, I stopped bringing it up to them and tried to focus on the present moment instead of trying to bring my T to main topic.

 

[MBH]

Sorry I just saw your post, I also have out of body experience and what I mean is my husband also came with me but when docs said deal with it my husband understanding went out the window. And on top of to find out my husband has it and he told me years ago but his was low and got used to it makes the whole thing unreal. I'm middle age and mine is moderate hiss in head. And still I don't want me husband to get upset. Also in general t is not acknowledge most people never heard of including me, and never less doctors turn the other heads. So hopefully next year there will be more awareness. I hope now you are feeling better. We all have the same understanding.

 

[MBH]

Sorry I just saw your post, I also have out of body experience and what I mean is my husband also came with me but when docs said deal with it my husband understanding went out the window. And on top of to find out my husband has it and he told me years ago but his was low and got used to it makes the whole thing unreal. I'm middle age and mine is moderate hiss in head. And still I don't want me husband to get upset. Also in general t is not acknowledge most people never heard of including me, and never less doctors turn the other heads. So hopefully next year there will be more awareness. I hope now you are feeling better. We all have the same understanding.

 

[MBH]

Sorry I just saw your post, I also have out of body experience and what I mean is my husband also came with me but when docs said deal with it my husband understanding went out the window. And on top of to find out my husband has it and he told me years ago but his was low and got used to it makes the whole thing unreal. I'm middle age and mine is moderate hiss in head. And still I don't want me husband to get upset. Also in general t is not acknowledge most people never heard of including me, and never less doctors turn the other heads. So hopefully next year there will be more awareness. I hope now you are feeling better. We all have the same understanding.
In

 

[MBH]

Sorry I just saw your post, I also have out of body experience and what I mean is my husband also came with me but when docs said deal with it my husband understanding went out the window. And on top of to find out my husband has it and he told me years ago but his was low and got used to it makes the whole thing unreal. I'm middle age and mine is moderate hiss in head. And still I don't want me husband to get upset. Also in general t is not acknowledge most people never heard of including me, and never less doctors turn the other heads. So hopefully next year there will be more awareness. I hope now you are feeling better. We all have the same understanding.
In

 

[MBH]

Sorry I just saw your post, I also have out of body experience and what I mean is my husband also came with me but when docs said deal with it my husband understanding went out the window. And on top of to find out my husband has it and he told me years ago but his was low and got used to it makes the whole thing unreal. I'm middle age and mine is moderate hiss in head. And still I don't want me husband to get upset. Also in general t is not acknowledge most people never heard of including me, and never less doctors turn the other heads. So hopefully next year there will be more awareness. I hope now you are feeling better. We all have the same understanding.

 

[Core2Duo]

My wife has tinnitus - ibuprofen induced - but she is habituated and she only hears hers what she thinks about it. So she thinks I am overreacting with mine.

The good news is as I know a person that is completely habituated I have the hope that one day I will be habituated too. Her tinnitus according how she describes is mild and intrusive but she lives a completely normal life.

 

[Bill Bauer]

I have the hope that one day I will be habituated too

Have you experienced any improvement in your T (compared to how it was in August)?

 

[Core2Duo]

Have you experienced any improvement in your T (compared to how it was in August)?

Dear Bill: well, I really don't know. Because I am using masking and sound enrichment and I am taking xanax also I am using "back to silence method". The volume seems to get lower but I am not sure if that is real or not.

 

[Bill Bauer]

The volume seems to get lower but I am not sure if that is real or not.

It is a really good sign that if you had to guess, your guess would be that it is fading, albeit slowly.