Feeling Lost and Empty — Going Through a Breakup

[Daystar]

Hello guys and girls,

I know this forum is not meant for relationship related stuff but I do not know where else I would write. I am currently going through a breakup I never expected to happen and I need some guidance. I guess I feel that I have to open up to someone, sorry for the wall of text. I have seen this coming for some weeks but I thought we would fix things.

So we are both in our 20s and had been together for almost 6 years. We started dating some months after getting to know each other and we quickly realized we were really happy together. Generally our relationship had been great but of course we had some small fights here and there, but we never really went to sleep mad at each other. We had some differences, for example sex drive, but we met in the middle, as I think couples should for their other half. We did not live together for the first years since we both studied at different locations (not far, but far enough to not want to drive everyday between school and an apartment at one or the other city/village) We still used to hang out on all weekends plus weekday nights when we had time.

After the studies we decided to move to an apartment together where we now have lived for almost 2 years. I guess its after some time living fully together that the spark started to fade, as I noticed the sex was not as frequent. But I did not notice any other "signs", as we still laughed and did things together.

Then some (4/5?) weeks ago, my girlfriend asked me if I think our relationship is good. I told her the truth, that I think we still have a great relationship but that I can feel that some of the spark and drive were gone. She agreed and also said that she feels like we are best friends instead of lovers. When I heard this I started to cry a little, because when she said that I knew where this was going.

Then came the day. Yesterday she told me she does not know what she wanted anymore, but I said I have to know what she wants because I cannot go around and wait for what she decides for long (I am a heavy overthinker) as I kind of had been since she told me she feels like we are just best friends nowadays. I stated my side of this, and told her I still wanted a relationship and I wanted to try and fix, or get the spark back. But she made the decision to break up. It really broke me. The worst part about it is that we are not arguing or mad at each other, it's just that she doesn't feel the spark anymore.

I of course respect her decision but I have a really hard time processing this. She wanted to remain as a really good friend and we still live together, but one of us will move soon. Still wanting to be friends is another thing that I feel that is going to make it harder for me to let go but I don't really want to let go though I probably should as soon as I can. We also have the same friend group and we both want to remain in that group. So a "no-contact" would not really work.

I really need some advice and support, I have been crying pretty much non stop since yesterday. I do not know what to do, how to react to us still being in the same friend group and her still wanting to be really good friends with me. I still love her but she does not, which makes this situation so much worse...

 

[emmalee]

Break-ups are so very hard to endure. We all endure this heartache at some point in our lives, some of us even more than once. The one bright spot in all of this is that you are both being respectful and gentle with each other's emotions, this is encouraging in my opinion. There is always hope, Daystar. Relationships have their ups and downs and it doesn't always mean that it is the end.

Do keep the lines of communication open, talking about how you feel is so important. Let the tears flow, it is a way to release the anxiety and sadness, never be ashamed of them.

There is a saying, "The only way out is through." If you can remain friends then this is a good thing. There is no way to predict how this will all end up, unfortunately. It is helpful to listen to and consider the advice from friends, family and others, but it is the two of you who need to work through all of this. There is always a chance that this will work out, keep the hope and continue to be considerate of each others feelings.

 

[Daystar]

Thank you @emmalee for the kind words.

I do want to keep my hope up, that one day we would be together again. But I also feel that it is a dangerous thing to hold on to that hope. But I also do not want to fully let her go. We both do not really want to let go.

Since the ear problems started I've felt like a shadow of my former self. I kind of got used to that, let the reality sink in that I won't be doing all the loud things I used to. But now also this!? I feel that the shadow is gone now too. I feel so empty. I feel I lost a huge part of me with this breakup.

At the moment all I see is darkness.

 

[ajc]

@Daystar, you need to be prepared that she is deceiving you and she already has another guy in sight. Worst, she might have cheated on you too.

I'm just saying this so you don't get more heartbroken if she soon announces a new boyfriend. I've seen this story play out too many times...

Breakups are hard, don't give up, when you find your true love, you won't miss this one and you wondered how you were so sad at the time.

 

[Daystar]

Thank you for your concern @ajc, I appreciate it.

But I confidently believe that she has not been cheating on me and she does not have anyone else "in sight". I am sorry if this has happened to you before. But this girl is not like that, I am 100% sure of it. We have never had any trust issues at all, we have been as open as you can be in a relationship. We could talk about our (old) celebrity crushes etc. without problem. Not that it happened often, but no one got mad talking or discussing other people and their looks.

Sure, there might come a day when she does get a new boyfriend, or me getting a new girlfriend. But I cannot see that day coming anytime soon, for either of us.

 

[emmalee]

Thank you @emmalee for the kind words.

I do want to keep my hope up, that one day we would be together again. But I also feel that it is a dangerous thing to hold on to that hope. But I also do not want to fully let her go. We both do not really want to let go.

Since the ear problems started I've felt like a shadow of my former self. I kind of got used to that, let the reality sink in that I won't be doing all the loud things I used to. But now also this!? I feel that the shadow is gone now too. I feel so empty. I feel I lost a huge part of me with this breakup.

At the moment all I see is darkness.

You are welcome, Daystar.

Both of you not really wanting to let go means that there is hope. There can be no danger in wanting, and therefore hoping, for the relationship to continue. If it does indeed end and your heart is broken, then you will have truly experienced love. How else can one explain the heartache?

A huge part of you will be lost if this is the end. Your pain is very real and when you add tinnitus into the mix, well it is no wonder that you feel so empty. I understand.

Perhaps if you keep putting your feelings into words, like you are doing here, it will help you to navigate the situation in some small way.

 

[Damocles]

 

[StoneInFocus]

You are welcome, Daystar.

Both of you not really wanting to let go means that there is hope. There can be no danger in wanting, and therefore hoping, for the relationship to continue.

Allow me to chip in, but she was the one to break up with him, so obviously there is a certain asymmetry here. She just wants to be friends, he wants to fix their romantic relationship. You should not "hope" things will get better again by themselves, it won't happen.

To be honest, people are replaceable, and so is @Daystar's girlfriend. Life is not a Disney movie.

If you really want to get over your breakup, you should head with a couple of mates to a bar if you can stand the sound, drink your guts out, and take home a beautiful girl. You are free now, explore what your town has to offer.

 

[emmalee]

Allow me to chip in, but she was the one to break up with him, so obviously there is a certain asymmetry here. She just wants to be friends, he wants to fix their romantic relationship. You should not "hope" things will get better again by themselves, it won't happen.

To be honest, people are replaceable, and so is @Daystar's girlfriend. Life is not a Disney movie.

If you really want to get over your breakup, you should head with a couple of mates to a bar if you can stand the sound, drink your guts out, and take home a beautiful girl. You are free now, explore what your town has to offer.

You are most certainly allowed to chip in StoneInFocus. We do disagree, this is more than obvious, which is also certainly allowed.

"Hope" is always an option, as it should be, not just in affairs of the heart, but in life as a whole. Disney movies are awesome! Who doesn't love a good Disney movie?

Not everyone is replaceable. I have had people in my life who can never be replaced, ever.

 

[TracyJS]

Not everyone is replaceable. I have had people in my life who can never be replaced

YES!

 

[StoneInFocus]

You are most certainly allowed to chip in StoneInFocus. We do disagree, this is more than obvious, which is also certainly allowed.

I know I can be a bit blunt sometimes, so I hope I did not offend you. I just wanted to argue from the perspective of the other side of the coin.

"Hope" is always an option, as it should be, not just in affairs of the heart, but in life as a whole. Disney movies are awesome! Who doesn't love a good Disney movie?

I used to love them. Almost always rooted for the bad guy though as I already felt as a young kid they were more authentic characters than the superheroes.

Not everyone is replaceable. I have had people in my life who can never be replaced, ever.

I am really glad you feel that way. But I have noticed in my own life that as soon as you don't act as happy as usual or are struggling with things and you are not able to act social, people are very quick to give you the cold shoulder. I believe trusting that people always have the best intentions for you is a sure recipe to get hurt. Especially in the area of love.

 

[emmalee]

I know I can be a bit blunt sometimes, so I hope I did not offend you. I just wanted to argue from the perspective of the other side of the coin.

I used to love them. Almost always rooted for the bad guy though as I already felt as a young kid they were more authentic characters than the superheroes.

I am really glad you feel that way. But I have noticed in my own life that as soon as you don't act as happy as usual or are struggling with things and you are not able to act social, people are very quick to give you the cold shoulder. I believe trusting that people always have the best intentions for you is a sure recipe to get hurt. Especially in the area of love.

I am not at all offended, @StoneInFocus so no worries. Another perspective is always needed and welcomed, even.

The movie villains weren't always villains, in many cases. They were often created by their life experiences and there were some that were misunderstood or troubled or just misguided. Sometimes you could shed a tear for the villain. Being a sensitive child could have afforded you this insight and perhaps that is why you felt that they were more authentic.

Trust can sometimes come with a price, it can be far too expensive or a lovely bargain. If you don't allow yourself to trust for the fear of getting hurt, then you may never find the perfect deal for yourself.

 

[Steph1710]

@Daystar, hey! Love sure does hurt right!? There is no pain quite comparable to heartache.

I've been there. That soul crushing feeling deep in the pit of your stomach from the moment you open your eyes. It sucks. You can't think of anything else. You can't eat properly, you can't do anything because your thoughts immediately snap back to the life you've now lost.

You know when you go through a breakup, you process the loss the same way as you process a death. That's why is hurts so much. You're grieving for the loss. And, you're totally allowed to.

So, allow yourself to be weak. Allow yourself to cry. Let your friends help you process it. Eat shit food and watch films you love. Go through all the emotions. It's totally fine.

Right, now this is my 2 pence worth: She doesn't want you in a relationship way anymore. I'm sorry, but I believe that's how it is. BUT, you're going to be just fine. Even if it doesn't feel that way right now, it will do eventually.

Now it's time to move on to the next chapter of your life. And really, that's very exciting! Some of the best times I've ever had have been after a breakup. Not straight away of course, but after a couple of months or so. It's time to focus completely on you. You're number 1 baby!

But jokes aside, you will be okay. Just take it one day at a time. Also, never force something that isn't going to happen. Keep your head held high, and remember this obviously wasn't the path meant for you.

Steph X

P.S never, ever beg either. Remember to have pride.

 

[kingsfan]

My advice when trying to get through a breakup - completely remove yourself from the other person for an extended period of time. No seeing them, calling them, looking at photos of them. Remove items that remind you of them. Then let yourself grieve over the loss. Eventually, life without them will become normal. Then you can figure out whether having them back in your life as friends is good for you.

The adage goes - it takes half the length of the relationship to get over it.

I was in a relationship for 10 years. I'm a little over 2 years post-breakup and still recovering.

 

[Steph1710]

The adage goes - it takes half the length of the relationship to get over it.

I completely agree with all of that.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

She wants to be with someone else guilt free. There's no need to say otherwise as it will give you hope. You'll be good OP, it just takes time.

 

[makeyourownluck]

If you do not share kids or pets, then a clean break is best. I've tried to do the whole 'friends' thing a couple of times. You end up acting crazy, having sex with the person again, or both.

Asking to be friends straight after the break up is not something I would ever ask of someone, it's selfish, and not in the best interest of the person who is being broken up with. You do not see her as just a friend, but that is how she sees you. It will fuck your head up.

 

[Exit]

Who gives a fuck about relationships when you can have reactivity in your tinnitus!

 

[Exit]

 

[Steph1710]

Who gives a fuck about relationships when you can have reactivity in your tinnitus!

Now, now Mr Exit. This isn't very helpful, is it... *Steph wags a finger at you*. Poor lad was after nice advice.

Sour pants.

 

[Bimmerboy]

@Daystar, I know exactly how you feel. My ex girlfriend of 5 years left me last year when I got hyperacusis and tinnitus. She said that I'm always ill and inside and she couldn't see future life together and left me. Only 10 months later she's married. I forgot about her after a month or so but had her in back of my mind. And seeing posts she's married now makes me think she was with this guy behind my back.

Not saying she's done this with you but she may already be speaking to someone and thus comparing your relationship to what could be with the other guy. I know that was my case. I really hate the guy who wormed into her head. The guy was better looking, drove better car, had better career prospects, oh and had no ear issues. I don't blame her for picking a better prospect I guess.

But for real I know it's hard. I can't offer much advice because I'm reminiscing old times as well, but all I can say is if you have family you're close with, reach out to them. Everyday I live for my family.

Best of luck to you my friend hope you feel better.

 

[Steph1710]

Only 10 months later she's married.

Nice that she really got to know the other person before she jumped into marriage with them.

(Presuming she didn't know them previously).

 

[Exit]

Now, now Mr Exit. This isn't very helpful, is it... *Steph wags a finger at you*. Poor lad was after nice advice.

Sour pants.

In my defence I did post some very funny dogs immediately afterwards

And I did have a good point, although blunt...

I remember @Bimmerboy put his ex up on a pedestal when he was crushed with broken heart and tinnitus on top of that.

Many hinted towards this wonderful person not only dumping him in illness but also being a cheating ****.

How much is really love for this person?

How much is sadness being miserable yourself because you're sick?

And how much is jealousy because the other person having happy times?

Be happy that you're not chased by bombs and if you're healthy enough go get a another goldfish that's actually a loyal trustworthy fish to build something nice for the future.

 

[Damocles]

And I did have a good point, although blunt...

I remember @Bimmerboy put his ex up on a pedestal when he was crushed with broken heart and tinnitus on top of that.

Many hinted towards this wonderful person not only dumping him in illness but also being a cheating ****.

How much is really love for this person?

How much is sadness being miserable yourself because you're sick?

And how much is jealousy because the other person having happy times?

Be happy that you're not chased by bombs and if you're healthy enough go get a another goldfish that's actually a loyal trustworthy fish to build something nice for the future.

You should listen to @Exit here guys, he's an expert when it comes to fish.

 

[Steph1710]

And I did have a good point, although blunt...

Do you want a fight or something, Mr Exit! I'm feeling feisty today! So watch out!

 

[aura]

Nice that she really got to know the other person before she jumped into marriage with them.

Well, when you know someone for too long, you kinda lose the appetite for getting married.

I always thought that if you want to be really happy on your wedding day and... a few weeks after, you have to do it quickly, without thinking too much about it.

 

[Damocles]

Do you want a fight or something, Mr Exit! I'm feeling feisty today! So watch out!

 

[aura]

How much is really love for this person?

How much is sadness being miserable yourself because you're sick?

And how much is jealousy because the other person having happy times?

I guess a little bit of this... a little bit of that...

The bad news is that everybody ends up with a broken heart at least once. And it sure hurts like hell.

The good news is that this too shall pass. It can be a long process and you can't really skip phases, but there comes a day when you realise that you just don't care about that person anymore. You don't feel love, you don't feel hate, just indifference.

So... enjoy it while it lasts.

 

[Steph1710]

Well, when you know someone for too long, you kinda lose the appetite for getting married.

I have to agree with you on that one. After seven years and counting, marriage is most definitely not on the cards.

The good news is that this too shall pass. It can be a long process and you can't really skip phases, but there comes a day when you realise that you just don't care about that person anymore. You don't feel love, you don't feel hate, just indifference.

Very, very true.

 

[Damocles]

I guess a little bit of this... a little bit of that...

The bad news is that everybody ends up with a broken heart at least once. And it sure hurts like hell.

The good news is that this too shall pass. It can be a long process and you can't really skip phases, but there comes a day when you realise that you just don't care about that person anymore. You don't feel love, you don't feel hate, just indifference.

So... enjoy it while it lasts.

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