Feeling Regretful

[Dubbyaman]

Well...this is the path I chose due to stupidity and a lack of common sense.
So I'm laying in bed next to my noise generator trying to sleep but my thoughts on this situation are keeping me awake. Makes me angry that a condition like this is so unknown to the world. I struggle everyday with it, taking in all the information I can about habituation and so forward. I try to mentally tell myself "it's just a sound yada yada" but it's hard sometimes because I keep reflecting on the damage I have caused myself.
I wore loud headphones everyday for almost a year and hadn't the slightest hint that this condition was out there. You would think they'd put warnings on headphone packages.
On top of that, every ENT, audiologist and neurologist are your worst enemy when it comes to t. They just make you pay for an appointment and just play dumb and try to dance around the issue.
All the information about this condition is contradictory. It's not life threatening but it can have a negative impact on your quality of life? What's worse? A disease that will eventually kill you or something that makes you want to kill yourself? I understand there are people with t who never think of suicide but come on. The world needs to start taking this condition seriously. Loud noise was my life. I thought hearing loss was all that could happen but that is still very stupid and an ignorant way to think. I should have known better. I should of had more common sense. All this chaos I've been through the past 10 months could have easily been avoided if I wouldn't of been such an idiot. I found out about decibel levels afterwards. I wish I could go back and operate within the db threshold. I used to love video editing, gaming and skyping with my friends but that's all altered now
because of this noise. I'm already in a wheelchair due to a birth defect. Now I got this to deal with. I hate it. I regret being so reckless. I do think of suicide a lot but what if hell is real?? Who ever read this all the way through, I'm sorry for my long rant. I'm just very sad and regretful. I'd give anything to hear dead silence once again.

 

[noisebox]

I read all the way through and all I can say is agree with you. I wasnt stupid but did see a loud musical a month before my initial T 3 years ago. I did habituate but now I'm back at square one after months of stress with a new higher T that stops me sleeping. That hates to be masked as it competes. I cry most days. I dream of the autiphony drug, pin my hopes on it and curse them for not working faster. Right now with H as well my life is over.

 

[glynis]

Hi Dubbyaman and noisebox.
Try not beat yourself up about playing the loud sound that caused it as there are many triggers for tinnitus and could easy have another reason for tinnitus like a nasty cold,virus, ear infections to name a few so please dont dwell on the route cause how you got it.
Tinnitus comes with so many unwanted emotions as tinnitus invades our life and takes away our quiet level of hearing and its
getting our selves to cope with them and our own ranges of tinnitus each day ...lol glynis

 

[Quentino]

On top of that, every ENT, audiologist and neurologist are your worst enemy when it comes to t. They just make you pay for an appointment and just play dumb and try to dance around the issue.

Wrong. I just had one bad experience with ENT, and he just didn't had a clue about what i had.. All the doctors i've seen were good and compassionnate., even if they could not help me. You are rejecting the fault on them instead of ( sadly, i am not happy to say that) that it's a bad known problem , simply.

This is sad but this is true. I agree that there is a lack of prevention on T, but there is some about the loud headphones...

In facts ihave the same feeling of regrets, but i can't change anything... O i have to accept it.

 

[Dubbyaman]

You are rejecting the fault on them

I am not rejecting fault on anyone. I understand that this is my fault. Im just saying that I wish there was more awareness out there and I wish this condition was put on the health map decades ago just like every other health issue.

 

[valeri]

I am not rejecting fault on anyone. I understand that this is my fault. Im just saying that I wish there was more awareness out there and I wish this condition was put on the health map decades ago just like every other health issue.

Even more awareness may not always be the answer.
I try to tell my older daughter to look after her ears while going out clubbing, do you think she would listen?
One would think so, at least after seeing me suffer so much, but no, majority of people are oblivious to, not only tinnitus, but many other conditions because they think they're invincible!
People still smoke despite anti smoking adds, people eat crap despite stroke, diabetes adds....
Unless it happens to us we all think it always happens to someone else.

But I'm definetly pro more tinnitus awareness at least to interest medical world to try a bit harder to find a cure.

 

[Quentino]

I'm not saying it's the fault of anyone in facts,because the fact is that we didn't known it exist . So it's pure " baf luck " we can say.

And hearing problems are very insidious and unequal. Some people never get any problems. Moreover before i was thinking music was not was not that loud. I'm sure it's the same for you

so the thing i was just saying is that we should not be regretting things because we didn't know. . And sadly there is not so much the society can do for us now.... So we mustsimply live with it. Regretting things will only harm your mind.

 

[uae96]

^^^^ agree ^^^^

There is countless adds on TV (here) about diabetes and obesity and thy are really good awareness adds long and clear but diabetes and obesity is just on the rise ,
When it comes to the moment before you eat , or when you're with friends going out clubbing you see nothing about the future it's just about the night and that's it , u won't even be thinking of ear plugs or anything , I've been there And never will again

 

[glynis]

 

[glynis]

Just put our tinnitus poster up to see if will post as not managed do it on my other forum by phone or kindle fire ..lol glynis

 

[Gosia]

How can you blame yourself for not knowing earlier? There are probably a million complications that can happen to human body and an average person knows maybe about 50 of them. Nobody , being well, thinks ' hey , what if an illness like this exist ?'' in 5 years you might get sth new and you will beat yourself up because maybe it will be caused by wrong diet etc. I mean, losing energy on being angry with yourself is really useless, especially that it's really not your fault. After all most people will do what you did and will never get T. The bitter truth is we simply are f..unlucky . I follow a few websites on fb in where they gather money for sick children and almost each description of the illness there is beyond imagination. One would never think such things can exist. The only difference is T is much more common. I agree the common knowledge about it should be widespread and is not. That is still because most people have it mild and live fine with. If each case was as harsh as ours here, maybe it would be more known to people.

 

[Dubbyaman]

We just cant turn back the clock. Thats a real bitch lol

 

[marqualler]

We just cant turn back the clock.

Dubbyaman,

I can completely empathize. I go back to September 2014 a lot and think about how busy I was and stressed out and wonder if I had washed my hands more thoroughly with my son who just started daycare, would I have avoided getting the ear infection that triggered my tinnitus? I admit I still think about that once in a while but I've adapted and moved on. But it is very, very difficult--definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

Are there ways to keep doing the video editing without doing it on headphones? I know I cannot listen to earbuds at all anymore without my left ear starting to feel full so I just don't really do it anymore, but playing video games is often a safe haven where I don't pay attention to my tinnitus at all and just have fun. I can also play with others online with my PS4 camera which has an external speaker--I can still talk to my friends and hear them and they can hear me but without the need to use headphones.

Hang in there! Feeling regretful is totally natural and I'm sure everybody here has felt the same.

 

[Dubbyaman]

I could still edit and play but its not as fun as it used to be because this noise tags right along.

 

[Steve]

@Dubbyaman Regret is so tempting and easy but ultimately it's utterly pointless.

Problem with us and tinnitus is that once the thing is done, like loud noise, you can't work to atone for the mistake and make things right. Makes regret all that much easier. Speaking from my own experience, if you can learn to accept it (not in the sense of habituation, just accept that you have it and the "how" is already done with) then you can maybe use it in some way.

Us mods are here because we got it and we're using it to try and help others through this forum. I've been through the mill with it and know all about the dark side of tinnitus but I modified what I could do (love writing music, had to change up a bit) and used the fact I have it to move forward anyway and stick 2 fingers up to the T (or 1 finger as you are from across the pond).

 

[Inge]

I am not rejecting fault on anyone. I understand that this is my fault. Im just saying that I wish there was more awareness out there and I wish this condition was put on the health map decades ago just like every other health issue.

You have a point, there should be warnings on headphones. Or we should make decices in a way it does not exceed a certain decible level. Clubs play music way too loud. Awareness is key.

 

[wishingluck]

Dubbyaman,

please don't ever blame yourself for this. I understand how you feel, on multiple levels. On one level, humans have this power of hindsight, which is both a blessing and a curse. I too regret many, many things in my life. For example, my mom died suddenly at 36, 23 years ago. I regret always being in a bad mood for apparently no reason, I regret not coming back from school and instead being happy, dance around her and make her laugh. I regret all that. Yet we aren't at fault, for one reason: both me and you have always done the best we could, based on what we knew at the time. At 14 , I did not have the experience and wisdom I have now. Not that I am bragging about my 'wisdom', but the truth is, had I known then 3 per cent of what I learned until now, I would have done EVERYTHING differently.

Don't ever beat yourself up for anything. We cannot FORESEE anything, we can only contemplate events after they happened. No one can foresee anything. You aren't stupid at all, you are a smart guy, and I am not saying this to say some make me feel good BS.
I can tell you are far from stupid. The reality is that what happened to you or me, are facts of life. That's how I call them. Facts of life. Think about it, anything can happen, anytime, to anybody. Life is truly a gamble. People can die for something apparently dumb. Genghis Khan single handedly turned the world upside down, and then he died by falling off a horse. Not so great, uh? Napoleon, who until then never lost a battle and was seen as invulnerable, tried to invade Russia, and met his disaster.

Reality is, all these guys got lucky. In life, there's too many variables for anybody to be able to control, no matter how smart, wealthy, well-connected, powerful, etc etc they are. No one can win against facts of life.

The Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel, in his Nobel prize winning 'Night', tells how his story started. In his town, just before the Nazi caused all the untold horror they caused later, there was a sort of tramp who was first captured by a group of Nazi, who put him and a group of other people from the same town, in a concentration camp.
The tramp managed to escape, and went back to warn everybody. He literally begged people to listen carefully to what he was saying. No one believed him. They had no idea of what the German Nazi would be capable of doing, many of them believed the Germans were actually nice, polite people. Life was going on as normal: businesses were working, children were sent to school, etc.

The tramp literally begged people to believe his story. He tried to explain that he didn't want their money, or their pity, or anything. He just wanted people to be aware of the terrible danger they were in, that the Nazi would come again any time and take more people away.

Again, no one believed him. Until they all found themselves on the trains that would deport them. The tramp was there, he was depressed and tired, and would just say : 'now you believe me? I tried to warn you all!'.

So, you see.... if people can make a mistake like these, let alone making the mistake of blasting music in your ears. I bet that 90 per cent of all teenagers did that, including me.

You want to see stupidity? Check out people like Alain Roberts, who climbes up skyscrapers with no protection, risks his life every instant, and even gets arrested when he reaches the top.
Impressive feats, yes, but also incredibly illogical and stupid. What if he'd feel dizzy when he's climbing a skyscraper, if he'd slip, etc etc. His life would be over. Yet there he is, doing something amazing but stupid.

And that was the best example, what about these ones, the people who 'practice parkour'.





http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...s-leaves-needing-19-titanium-plates-face.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...-death-building-jump-goes-horribly-wrong.html

These are just examples, if you scan the internet, you'll find plenty of people who do the most stupid things anybody could ever conceive. You weren't stupid, because you would have acted differently if you had known better, and no one is guilty of anything, if he acted or failed to act because he didn't know better.

But these other idiots knew what they were doing, yet they still did it.

It feels natural to say 'I should have known better', but the really hard thing is to know in advance, and I have never met anyone who can do that. No one. Most people have done something that could have been avoided 'if they had known better'. But this is extremely difficult to do before the event happens.

So don't ever beat yourself up for this. Anybody can get up in the morning, open the door, cross the street and get run over by a bus. Or smoke cigarettes for 20 years and die of lung cancer. A meteorite could fall on Earth and wipe us all. Really, any number of things. You aren't stupid, the stupid ones are the ones who knowingly and easily can avoid great damage, yet they still behave stupidly.

I think that for you (and us in general), the most important thing to do is to try to be as understanding as possible with YOURSELF. You have to talk to yourself as if you were talking to your son. You have to be understanding. And you truly have to do that. And for now, we have to accept this challenge we face, in the best ways possible. Remember, what you have UNTINTENTIONALLY done, most other people have, including me. Not only that, a lot of people have intentionally done the most stupid things. There's a huge difference. Don't ever beat yourself down for this. You know you would have done things differently, had you known.

 

[wishingluck]

And blaming the f****g headphone companies and mp3 players? I agree. And I am not someone who blame other people for everything. I remember that many years ago, I bought a cassette Walkman with 'ear protection'. This is technically known as a 'limiter'. It's the only device I found 'ear protection' on. I have never understood why, in all the zillions devices I bought over the course of years, including mp3 players etc, I have never found 'ear protection' again. Anybody would pay 5 frigging bucks more to have a version of the mp3 player with an in-built limiter.

The problem is that many people are extremely ignorant of the problems that exposure to loud music can cause. I bet even the companies who manufacture the devices themselves, know very little about it. There's just a general level of ignorance spread everywhere. A lack of awareness. And I see this problem in many other fields. For example, pianists are very prone to 'repetitive stress injury'. I am a pianist myself. Yet in all the piano classes I have been in, I have never found a teacher who said anything about RSI, an affliction that to a pianist or musician, would be devastating. But I have heard many sad stories of pianists who had to stop practicing and say goodbye to the piano.

So you see, lack of awareness and ignorance, is everywhere, and much more than we think. But this is not stupidity. Not knowing is very different than being stupid.

You have to do the opposite. You have to truly talk to yourself in the most understanding terms, even lovingly. Just as if you were talking to your own son.

 

[Dubbyaman]

wishingluck Thank you so much for your heart felt advice and examples you laid out. It made me feel so much better reading your words and you're right. Chaos is all around us all the time so its impossible to predict anything. I'm sorry about your mom. I lost my dad in 09 and always felt bad for nver spending more time with him.

 

[glynis]

Hi Dubbyaman,
Hope your feeling more positive and had a good ear day ...lol glynis

 

[wishingluck]

Dubbyaman, I also agree with you about audiologists, doctors etc being your worse enemies. My experience wasn't different from yours. I can tell they don't give much of a monkey about my problem. They are just A-holes. I wish I could say I am wrong. One of them seemed even miffed when I was going to ask a question. They are useless, can't get their heads out of a paper bag.

I am trying to learn everyday something about this damn affliction.

 

[Gosia]

I agree there should be warnings on any earbuds, headphones, mp3 players, AT THE DOORS OF ANY BAR, CONCERT HALL, FESTIVALS - some posters with warnings etc. Like they put warning on the packets of cigs and tobacco. ( Still, it took centuries before they did. ) Money and income rule this world and that's disgusting. IF they had to eradicate all that is dangerous for health, few things would be left, but I don't care as well.

 

[wishingluck]

also sorry about your loss, dubbyaman