Feeling Suicidal

[Angel Dust]

I am sorry to start this depressing thread, but believe me when I say I have nobody to talk to that will really understand what I feel and what I am going through.

Yes, I am seriously considering suicide. I do not really want to take my own life, but this is not life anymore. Period.

I have never been afraid of death, not now, not before tinnitus. But I have always been terrified of pain and disability, of not being able to function properly without something constantly bothering me or causing me suffering. And tinnitus is just that.

Life is supposed to be enjoyed, not suffered through. I am not a strong person, and even if the strength to carry on is inside of me, I still refuse to go through life like this. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

I do have things to live for, my 3 month old baby for instance, but I have become emotionally unstable, angry, depressed, suicidal all the time and I am not there for her. And I know I won't be with tinnitus. This is not what I had planned, but the shitty hand life dealt me out of hate and revenge.

Yes, life does hate me. It always has. I can think of multiple examples of life taking away from me the things I loved and valued the most (my dad, my first love, music, my health, my family). As soon as I love something, it gets taken away from me.

And wanna hear something ironic? Weeks before my tinnitus onset, I remember thinking: wow, no matter what happens I always have in music a place I can go to no matter how shitty my life is. And weeks later, tinnitus. So not even that.

I have thought a lot about what it would mean for me to take my life, the pain I would cause the people that care about me, but the thing is, no matter how much they care about me, tinnitus will always be there. No amount of love from anyone will alleviate my suffering. How's that for hope?

I am in this alone.

I have always thought that it is unfair to call anyone who decides to take their life a coward. It's easy to call them cowards when everything is going just fine for you, isn't it? But God knows (God, LOL) it must take a great deal of inner strength to muster the courage to take your own life.

When I think of suicide, I feel relieved. I feel at peace. Knowing that I can put an end to this BS is such a relief I feel happy and smile. I do not want to be talked out of it, I do not want to call some random helpline where someone who could not care less about me will read me from a script that everything will be fine. Sure.

My significant other cannot help me, my mother cannot help me, nobody can.

I feel I've been cheated out of the life it took me so long to achieve. It took me years and a lot of pain to get to where I am now, and now look at this BS. Life is cruel, boy, is it cruel.

But I won't let it beat me. I will have the last word. I would rather hang myself or jump in front of a train than to face a life of tinnitus.

I just refuse to.

 

[Bill Bauer]

I have never been afraid of death, not now, not before tinnitus. But I have always been terrified of pain and disability, of not being able to function properly without something constantly bothering me or causing me suffering.

Same here...

Have you experienced any fading, compared to how it was say three months ago?

 

[Angel Dust]

Sometimes I can barely hear it, but those are rare occasions.

 

[Bill Bauer]

Sometimes I can barely hear it, but those are rare occasions.

Did this began to happen recently, or has it been like that even back in July? Is it the case that it is relentlessly at the same volume for most of the time (and that this volume hasn't decreased and the pitch hasn't changed) whenever it is not so quiet you can barely hear it?

 

[Angel Dust]

Did this began to happen recently, or has it been like that even back in July? Is it the case that it is relentlessly at the same volume for most of the time (and that this volume hasn't decreased and the pitch hasn't changed) whenever it is not so quiet you can barely hear it?

Since the onset, really. It comes and goes. Same pitch, different volume. When it is barely audible, I can listen for it and it is the same pitch, just quieter, until it decides that I have had enough hope and it comes back with renewed strength to punch me in the face.

 

[Autumnly]

Not sure if this is going to help you but Neuromod is releasing a new device against tinnitus next year in Ireland and certain other European countries, not sure when it's coming out in the US. Initially, they want to make the device available in Ireland in 2019. After that, they're looking at a number of other European countries in 2019 but they couldn't specify which countries yet. In parallel, they're pursuing FDA approval for the US. So it will be available in a limited capacity in 2019 in certain European countries. You can check the thread out here, Steve recently did an interview with them.

You're still relatively new to tinnitus but I totally understand if it already feels like an eternity to you. Many people really get used to it and are able to either distract themselves or to reach a point where it doesn't bother them even if they hear it. From everything I've read on here, it seems like the first year is usually the toughest time for people mentally... But depending on who you ask your tinnitus would still be seen as acute, chances are that it might still reduce or even go away completely.

Things I would recommend to someone new to tinnitus:

• don't be in a quiet room, have some quiet music or natural sounds on in the background so that your brain doesn't focus solely on your tinnitus
• don't listen to anything through headphones or earbuds, give your ears time to rest and heal
• if possible, don't attend any loud events like clubs, concerts or bars or at least wear earplugs (again, just to give your body the best chance to recover) for some time
• if you have issues with your jaw, neck, cervical spine or frequent headaches you might want to see a physical therapist, get rid of neck tensions, don't clench your jaw or grind your teeth,
• be kind to yourself and try to distract yourself as much as you can, do (quiet) things that make you happy and make you forget the tinnitus for a few moments

Supplements you could try (however, listen to your body - if any supplement seems to spike your tinnitus, you don't have to take it! I also can't guarantee that any of these supplements will help.)

• Magnesium or Magnesium Citrate
• N-Acetylcysteine (NAC)
• Nicotinamide Riboside
• Vitamin D, Vitamin B12

 

[Bill Bauer]

@Angel Dust could it be that as months go by, you get more and more of these quiet periods? If it gets quiet sometimes, it is proof that it Can be quiet.

In any case, many people (e.g., me, @Alue ) found that at around the 2-year after the onset mark, we no longer have the same emotional reaction to T as we used to. Consider waiting another year and a half and see whether that will be the case for you too...

 

[Angel Dust]

@Autumnly Thank you for your reply.
@Bill Bauer I just wish there were a cure.

 

[Bill Bauer]

@Bill Bauer I just wish there were a cure.

I haven't been following any of the threads in the Research forum (I figured that if one is found, we will find out about it soon enough), but it is my understanding that there are several potentially promising products that will be released soon...

 

[Kelvin]

no matter what happens I always have in music a place I can go to no matter how shitty my life is

I fee for you @Angel Dust and fully understand what you mean with the quote above.
Music was also my go to 'escape place.' I just love it.
I would be lying if I said that T hasn't robbed me some of music enjoyment but I can say that if you are careful and look after your ears for a bit it will get better !!! Its very slow but it will either improve or you will become less aware and bothered by it. I promise x
Your anxiety levels will be sky high with T...and you also have a young baby...its a perfect anxiety storm.
Mr T loves anxiety. In fact he feeds on it.
Somehow in all the chaos you need to find moments of peace.
A few tips : -
Try some mediation.
Don't use earphones or earbuds.
Listen to music through a speaker (under a pillow) as you sleep - I use my mobile phone speaker.
Sleep as well as possible - not easy with a baby I guess - maybe family can help a few nights.
Eat as well as you can - avoid very Salty and Sugary foods - they spike some folks T
Above all - tell your loved ones how you feel.
Soak up the unconditional love that that baby gives out.

If you feel suicidal PLEASE talk to a crisis service like the Samaritans in the UK.
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us


Wishing you love and some peace soon.
X

 

[Agrajag364]

Angel Dust, I have PMed you a no. of stories of tinnitus improving and even going I have collected, cos I noticed you'd only had this for 7 months? Whilst tinnitus is permanent for some, it's not made clear to new sufferers that it DOES either improve a lot and sometimes even goes away beyond the 6 month mark in a proportion of people, no one knows how many. @Bill Bauer will back me up. Also, there is research being done into treatments.

I also noticed you are female and your baby is just three months old - I know how horrible tinnitus is and what an affect it can have on us, boy do I know that but...........is it possible that postnatal depression, hormones at just 3 months post partum, could be affecting you as well? Postnatal emotions can be very powerful and to have recently got tinnitus on top of that (I guess you got it during pregnancy) is a massive wham to hit anyone. Have you spoken to anyone about this possibility? Could any of the mothers with tinnitus here weigh in, especially if they got tinnitus during pregnancy?

Also I know it seems so very unfair, no one should be made to suffer but.......your baby needs you. I know how cruel that can be but.......there is every chance things will get better for you, please hang on.

 

[Agrajag364]

Since the onset, really. It comes and goes. Same pitch, different volume. When it is barely audible, I can listen for it and it is the same pitch, just quieter, until it decides that I have had enough hope and it comes back with renewed strength to punch me in the face.

That is a good sign that it might improve further, you might have more quiet periods in time.

 

[glynis]

@Angel Dust ,
Pregnancy can cause tinnitus and up to a year after due to hormones.
Might be worth looking in to White noise generators and counselling to support you face to face and maybe baby blues on top.

love glynis x

 

[Lorac]

Hello @Angel Dust,

I 'm sorry you are feeling such despair. I felt suicidal in the beginning also, and a large part of my depression has to do with the loss of music in my life. I get what you are saying about that.

Have you sought any help from a psychologist? I agree with @Agrajag364 and the suggestion that postpartum depression could also be a factor with you. I have seen a few young mothers on the forum who developed tinnitus during pregnancy but I cannot remember their profile names. I am hoping some might see your post. Sleep was very helpful for me in the beginning and I am guessing that you are my getting good sleep right now. It's tough now but I think things could get better for you over time. Hang in there.

 

[Rajin]

@Angel Dust time is the key. My first 4 months I was so afraid, scared. But you came to the right place for help. If wasn't for Tinnitus Talk I don't know how I could have had made it, 14 months already. The noise will aways be there, have to learn not to listen to it and ignore it. Easier said than done. But can be done. This what I think is habituation. All we got until something come out to help. Try to be calm.

 

[Angel Dust]

First off, I would like to thank everyone for their support words and their replies.

Have you sought any help from a psychologist? I agree with @Agrajag364 and the suggestion that postpartum depression could also be a factor with you.

No, I have not. To be honest, I do not feel comfortable talking to psychologists. I have done it before and it did not work. Besides, it would have to be a sympathetic tinnitus-suffering psychologist to truly understand me (us)

I don't feel PPD is an issue in my case. I love my LO *little one* to death and am not depressed about having had her.

My depression comes from T.

That is a good sign that it might improve further, you might have more quiet periods in time.

What I wouldn't give to have a time machine and change the past, instead of having to settle for your occasional quiet period. Why isn't a cure already available?

Angel Dust, I have PMed you a no. of stories of tinnitus improving and even going I have collected, cos I noticed you'd only had this for 7 months? Whilst tinnitus is permanent for some, it's not made clear to new sufferers that it DOES either improve a lot and sometimes even goes away beyond the 6 month mark in a proportion of people, no one knows how many.

Thank you. I have not gotten around to read them yet, but I did see your PM. Really appreciate it. I thought the 6-month mark was the way to tell where it'll stick around forever or not.

@Kelvin Thank you for your advice. Music was a huge part of my life, even growing up. I know where you're coming from.

time is the key. My first 4 months I was so afraid, scared. But you came to the right place for help. If wasn't for Tinnitus Talk I don't know how I could have had made it, 14 months already. The noise will aways be there, have to learn not to listen to it and ignore it. Easier said than done. But can be done. This what I think is habituation. All we got until something come out to help. Try to be calm.

Habituation, if at all possible in my case, won't be easy. I am not sure if I said this before, but for the first couple of months I did not have any ringing, only the clogged ear feeling and your occasional whooshing sound, at nite mostly. Then my ORL changed my medication and the ringing started.

Had it been there since day one, I thinkg I would have had more time to adjust to it. But it was the other way around for me and this is way I have this deep feeling of hoplessness.

I was reading up on how to tie a hangman's knot today.

Edit 2:

I talked to my mom yesterday and I cried my eyes out. She can tell I have been thinking about taking my own life and she begged me not to do it. So I started crying.

I knew right there and then that doing it would be even more difficult than I thought. But I just cannot see how being loved can shelter me from the pain.

I have even stopped believing in God. You know, being brought up in a Spanish-speaking household means that religion plays a huge role in your life. I was taught that God looks after us. Since the onset, I have rebelled against everything I was taught. What God? Why do horrible things happen to good people? I am sure all of you guys here are basically good people, yet we're all here.

Why? Does that seem normal to you? If the God I was raised to believe in really existed, then none of this would've happened.

I just cannot reconcile the idea of a loving God letting his children suffer like this. You know?

I feel I have been lied to and I feel cheated out of my happiness.
................

 

[Bill Bauer]

I thought the 6-month mark was the way to tell where it'll stick around forever or not.

To answer the above,

8. You might hear that if your T doesn't go away in 6 months, it is permanent. That is a myth. "Six months" is just a time interval that insurance companies use to classify a condition as being chronic. It has no medical basis.

Multiple sources seem to use "2 years" as their rule of thumb. See, for example
https://www.ncrar.research.va.gov/Education/Documents/TinnitusDocuments/01_HenryPTM-HB_1-10.pdf
"A general guideline is that tinnitus of at least 12 months duration has a high likelihood of being a permanent condition (Dobie, 2004b). However, it also has been suggested that a person must have experienced tinnitus for at least two years before it should be considered permanent (Vernon, 1996)."

If your T keeps fading but is still audible 2 years after onset, there is no reason to think that it will stop fading after 2 years. It will most likely continue fading. A number of members of this forum had stated that the first time they got tinnitus, they eventually got to hear silence after 12-18 months. This is evidence contradicting the statement above from that Dobbie 2004 study.

I suggest that you read that entire post:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...eone-else-who-has-tinnitus.26850/#post-307822

Also, check out the studies linked to on numerous pages of
\https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/spontaneous-recovery-stats-many-recover-3-studies.21441/

 

[Bill Bauer]

my ORL changed my medication and the ringing started.

When was that?! It looks like your T is a result of taking ototoxic medication. How many months have you had T?

I was reading up on how to tie a hangman's knot today.

It is a very painful way to go...

 

[Angel Dust]

When was that?! It looks like your T is a result of taking ototoxic medication. How many months have you had T?

Well, I was diagnosed after I went to the ORL complaining of a full ear sensation after I attended a concert and stood right next to the speakers. Yup, silly me. I was so excited about seeing my favorite band that it did not cross my mind it was not safe.

Days later, I went to the ORL and I was diagnosed on that very first visit. It is just that the symptoms started to appear little by little. But I always had the clogged ear and the whoosing.

 

[Bill Bauer]

Did your T appear less than 2 weeks after the concert or more than 2 weeks after the concert?

 

[Angel Dust]

If you mean the ringing then months, if you mean all other symptoms then couple of days, three tops.

 

[Bill Bauer]

If you mean the ringing then months, if you mean all other symptoms then couple of days, three tops.

I mean the ringing. The concert had compromised your ears, but it was the ototoxic medication that gave the ringing to you. So how many months you have had your ringing?

 

[Bill Bauer]

Also, did you see the following post (that I posted earlier in this thread; with so many posts it is easy to overlook one of the posts - it is important that you see that one:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/feeling-suicidal.32885/#post-398539

 

[Angel Dust]

I mean the ringing. The concert had compromised your ears, but it was the ototoxic medication that gave the ringing to you. So how many months you have had your ringing?

Gynkobiloba? It started when I took OTC gynko.

But the ORL diagnosed T after the gig. They ran tests. Isn't whoosing a symptom along with full ear? I mean, it was painful.

 

[Angel Dust]

Also, did you see the following post (that I posted earlier in this thread; with so many posts it is easy to overlook one of the posts - it is important that you see that one:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/feeling-suicidal.32885/#post-398539

I will. I promise.

 

[Bill Bauer]

Gynkobiloba? It started when I took OTC gynko.

You are right, it is unlikely to cause tinnitus...

Isn't whoosing a symptom along with full ear?

Whooshing that you hear right after you hear other sounds is Tonic tensor tympani syndrome (TTTS). Full ear sensation is just a sign that your ear got hurt. It ought to eventually go away.

 

[Bill Bauer]

@Angel Dust How many months have you had T for?

 

[Angel Dust]

Ringing only for about a month and a half. Whoosing and full ear and pain since the summerr.

 

[Agrajag364]

Ringing only for about a month and a half. Whoosing and full ear and pain since the summerr.

The ringing for just 1.5 months? Please do read the accounts I sent. Also in many who have it and are in the first year..........there's a vicious circle going on....tinnitus is linked to the limbic system, the noise itself is very frightening if you are noise sensitive like me and many others, yet that fear of the tinnitus can potentially make it louder because of the link with the limbic system. It's not certain that's happening in everyone, but there are certainly many accounts of it quieting down or even going once people stop being so worried about it/fearful of it (crazily paradoxical I know cos it is so scary).

 

[Bill Bauer]

Whoosing and full ear and pain since the summerr.

Don't worry about those symptoms. There is a very high chance that they will not bother you in another 6-12 months.

What matters now is whether or not your T (T = tinnitus = ringing) will begin to fade. It is ok if it hasn't faded during the first 6 weeks after the onset. If there is no improvement for 6 months or so then it is worrying, but there is still a chance. By improvement, I mean that the lows get quieter (your lows are already quiet, which is a great sign), or that the average volume get quieter. It is ok to get spikes - don't worry about that.

Personally, I am not against suicide (I am talking about suicide for people who know they won't enjoy the life that they have left). But if I were you, I would give it more time before concluding that there is no longer any hope. You will agree that if only you knew that say a year from now the ringing would stop, it would not bother you as much. But right now there is no reason to think that your ringing is permanent (and even if it is, that it will stay at this loud level that bothers you so much).