Feeling Suicidal

[RobertFahey]

Are you breastfeeding?

 

[jjflyman]

I am sorry to start this depressing thread, but believe me when I say I have nobody to talk to that will really understand what I feel and what I am going through.

Yes, I am seriously considering suicide. I do not really want to take my own life, but this is not life anymore. Period.

I have never been afraid of death, not now, not before tinnitus. But I have always been terrified of pain and disability, of not being able to function properly without something constantly bothering me or causing me suffering. And tinnitus is just that.

Life is supposed to be enjoyed, not suffered through. I am not a strong person, and even if the strength to carry on is inside of me, I still refuse to go through life like this. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

I do have things to live for, my 3 month old baby for instance, but I have become emotionally unstable, angry, depressed, suicidal all the time and I am not there for her. And I know I won't be with tinnitus. This is not what I had planned, but the shitty hand life dealt me out of hate and revenge.

Yes, life does hate me. It always has. I can think of multiple examples of life taking away from me the things I loved and valued the most (my dad, my first love, music, my health, my family). As soon as I love something, it gets taken away from me.

And wanna hear something ironic? Weeks before my tinnitus onset, I remember thinking: wow, no matter what happens I always have in music a place I can go to no matter how shitty my life is. And weeks later, tinnitus. So not even that.

I have thought a lot about what it would mean for me to take my life, the pain I would cause the people that care about me, but the thing is, no matter how much they care about me, tinnitus will always be there. No amount of love from anyone will alleviate my suffering. How's that for hope?

I am in this alone.

I have always thought that it is unfair to call anyone who decides to take their life a coward. It's easy to call them cowards when everything is going just fine for you, isn't it? But God knows (God, LOL) it must take a great deal of inner strength to muster the courage to take your own life.

When I think of suicide, I feel relieved. I feel at peace. Knowing that I can put an end to this BS is such a relief I feel happy and smile. I do not want to be talked out of it, I do not want to call some random helpline where someone who could not care less about me will read me from a script that everything will be fine. Sure.

My significant other cannot help me, my mother cannot help me, nobody can.

I feel I've been cheated out of the life it took me so long to achieve. It took me years and a lot of pain to get to where I am now, and now look at this BS. Life is cruel, boy, is it cruel.

But I won't let it beat me. I will have the last word. I would rather hang myself or jump in front of a train than to face a life of tinnitus.

I just refuse to.

If you spend a lot of time reading the horror stories here, you will get the idea that all acoustic trauma's cause permanent tinnitus. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Most sudden acoustic trauma's sort themselves out in 6-24 month, and usually will fade significantly if not 100% 13 years ago I had the terrible acoustic trauma that caused horrible tinnitus & hyperacusis. Super loud piercing tinnitus, ear pain, fullness.
It faded to zero in about 2 years.

I'm on my second acoustic trauma tinnitus, and it has faded about 90% in 27 months.
Your tinnitus is most likely going to improve a lot in the next 12 months, it may very well totally fade.

Stop reading horror stories here and let it sort out. Ears take forever to heal.

 

[carlover]

Youve had it 6 months ,try 32 years of it ..... yes its torturous ........but sometimes at night when even the maskers are driving me nuts ,I think of people who have lost the use of their limbs and in a wheelchair and think would I swap my life for theres...no not in a million years...keep going all the best

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Youve had it 6 months ,try 32 years of it ..... yes its torturous ........but sometimes at night when even the maskers are driving me nuts ,I think of people who have lost the use of their limbs and in a wheelchair and think would I swap my life for theres...no not in a million years...keep going all the best

To each their own. I would cry hysteric tears of joy if I could swap my T for loosing a limb and being in a wheelchair the rest of my life.......there is not a single doubt in my mind.

 

[James Brown]

Hi Angel Dust ,for me it´s 20 years of it.I guess you are depressed and all that is getting you down.If your T is as you say it´s not hard to cope.I know now things look dark ,but if you calm down ,relax ,sooner or later you will be used to it.For me the first 15 years were hard in the first 3 months and after that i just moved on.I still listened to music ,went to concerts and i have about 2.000 cd´s.Unfortunately a big acoustic trauma 5 years ago changed all that ,but during 15 years i´ve done a normal life. I guess you have motifs to grab life. Search for help ,not for T ,but for your mental condition. You may need some extra help to get up and go on.Best of luck.

 

[HearsToHope]

I also have acoustic trauma due to excessive concert attendance. Things started out very badly for me. I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Fast-forward several months and the worst of my issues have passed. I can safely say if things remain like they are today, I can live a full and happy life. I'd like to get off the antidepressants but I'm taking it one step at a time. I'm very happy I decided to keep putting one foot in front of the other and soldier on. I second the previous post. For me, surviving T wasn't about fighting the T, but about getting my mental state under control.

Mourning your new T is normal and healthy, but don't let it get the best of you. After enduring the stages of grief, I've moved on with my life by finding new hobbies and ways of coping with the loud environment in which most of us live.

 

[Angel Dust]

Are you breastfeeding?

Yes, I am.

 

[Angel Dust]

If you spend a lot of time reading the horror stories here, you will get the idea that all acoustic trauma's cause permanent tinnitus. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Most sudden acoustic trauma's sort themselves out in 6-24 month, and usually will fade significantly if not 100% 13 years ago I had the terrible acoustic trauma that caused horrible tinnitus & hyperacusis. Super loud piercing tinnitus, ear pain, fullness.
It faded to zero in about 2 years.

I'm on my second acoustic trauma tinnitus, and it has faded about 90% in 27 months.
Your tinnitus is most likely going to improve a lot in the next 12 months, it may very well totally fade.

Stop reading horror stories here and let it sort out. Ears take forever to heal.

What happened? So you were 100% ok and it happened again?

Hi Angel Dust ,for me it´s 20 years of it.I guess you are depressed and all that is getting you down.If your T is as you say it´s not hard to cope.I know now things look dark ,but if you calm down ,relax ,sooner or later you will be used to it.For me the first 15 years were hard in the first 3 months and after that i just moved on.I still listened to music ,went to concerts and i have about 2.000 cd´s.Unfortunately a big acoustic trauma 5 years ago changed all that ,but during 15 years i´ve done a normal life. I guess you have motifs to grab life. Search for help ,not for T ,but for your mental condition. You may need some extra help to get up and go on.Best of luck.

Would you elaborate? I am not sure I understand what happened. Thank you.

I also have acoustic trauma due to excessive concert attendance. Things started out very badly for me. I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Fast-forward several months and the worst of my issues have passed. I can safely say if things remain like they are today, I can live a full and happy life.

Hi. How do you manage?

 

[Bill Bauer]

So you were 100% ok and it happened again?

When T goes away, many people try to forget about the nightmare that is T. They end up taking risks, and sometimes T comes back...

I am not sure I understand what happened.

Sounds like James learned to enjoy life even with T, and for the first 15 years he was fine. He even began taking risks like going to concerts. Five years ago, one of those risks had backfired and he got a new acoustic trauma, that changed his T to a level that he is still having trouble habituating to.

 

[jjflyman]

What happened? So you were 100% ok and it happened again?

Yes, I was 100% better. That was 12+ years ago. So things were back to normal, but I was always careful with loud noise.

Well, my wife and I went to an outdoor church concert (local band was playing) and I guess it was too loud for me.

I stayed out of the main noise, but 2 lady's were about 10 feet from me and decided to scream loudly to the music. That started my second tinnitus.

If you read a lot of peoples background here on how they get tinnitus, it seems a vast majority of us get it from someone else's carelessness. We were just in the wrong pace at the wrong time.

 

[Manny]

To each their own. I would cry hysteric tears of joy if I could swap my T for loosing a limb and being in a wheelchair the rest of my life.......there is not a single doubt in my mind.

If you would offer me, for the price of $100,000, to amputate my leg and have my hearing back to normal and T gone, I wouldn't hesitate a moment. For some of us this really is damn near the very worst thing in the world.

 

[Angel Dust]

I have been looking back at all the shit I've gone through during the last couple of years and I wish I had a time machine and could go back and tell myself to stop complaining because it's not that bad, you know. Even at my lowest point, when I hit rock bottom, it was not that bad. I just did not know it at the time.

I won't mention the other conditions I fear - out of superstition - but even the scariest one does not seem so bad now. Life is not without a (bad) sense of humor, it seems. Oh, so you think you have it bad... wait until 2018

I don´t know how I´ll react when people wish me a Happy New Year.

 

[Bam]

Youve had it 6 months ,try 32 years of it ..... yes its torturous ........but sometimes at night when even the maskers are driving me nuts ,I think of people who have lost the use of their limbs and in a wheelchair and think would I swap my life for theres...no not in a million years...keep going all the best

Well trust me Carl those people you don't want to swap with are sleeping like babies and don't feel tortured one bit. But hey keep going and all the best.

 

[Bam]

For some of us this really is damn near the very worst thing in the world.

The worst thing period. Not damn near. And the fact that nobody sees or hears our suffering only compounds the misery.

Wheelchair people get a whole shit load of sympathy and are in nothing like the state of permanent mental hell we are in. They can sleep, relax, watch TV, read, listen to music, scoot round the park, all in peace.......Sitting in a chair all day as far as I'm aware is not used as a form of torture.

 

[Bill Bauer]

The worst thing period. Not damn near.

I can see chronic pain being as bad, and possibly worse...

 

[Agrajag364]

The worst thing period. Not damn near. And the fact that nobody sees or hears our suffering only compounds the misery.

Wheelchair people get a whole shit load of sympathy and are in nothing like the state of permanent mental hell we are in. They can sleep, relax, watch TV, read, listen to music, scoot round the park, all in peace.......Sitting in a chair all day as far as I'm aware is not used as a form of torture.

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/melanie-reid

This woman's writing is as evocative as yours. Do not underestimate the capacity of the human body to make us suffer in diverse ways. I too would swap a lost limb for tinnitus, but not tetraplegia

 

[Bam]

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/profile/melanie-reid

This woman's writing is as evocative as yours. Do not underestimate the capacity of the human body to make us suffer in diverse ways. I too would swap a lost limb for tinnitus, but not tetraplegia

I suppose the real kicker with tinnitus is nobody questions a tetraplegics suicidal ideation. Everybody questions ours. In the respect of having an affliction that is as torturous as it is underplayed we are uniquely cursed.....Nothing comes close.

Even when we end it, people are still left in a state of disbelief and look elsewhere for a reason.......Why?! How?!! It cannot possibly be the reason. It's only ringing in the ears.

 

[HearsToHope]

Hi. How do you manage?

It's been a long and complicated process. If you read through the success stories you might find some common threads. For me, the magic was learning to stop panicking about my condition and learning to relax despite the overwhelming ringing in my head. It was a difficult process.

Masking the T was completely useless. Learning to work through it was a great success. I had to make changes in my life to reduce my stress level and get adequate rest. I needed the help of prescription medicines for anxiety and depression, and to relearn how to fall asleep. I listen to quiet audio books to aid falling asleep. I learned about tinnitus and the ear, and about healthy noise exposure limits, and I stay well under those limits.

 

[RCP1]

I suppose the real kicker with tinnitus is nobody questions a tetraplegics suicidal ideation. Everybody questions ours. In the respect of having an affliction that is as torturous as it is underplayed we are uniquely cursed.....Nothing comes close.

Even when we end it, people are still left in a state of disbelief and look elsewhere for a reason.......Why?! How?!! It cannot possibly be the reason. It's only ringing in the ears.

Sorry youre suffering so much man. I really hope I have good news for this board with Neuromod soon.

 

[Angel Dust]

In my mind it's more than ideation. It's slowly taking shape and it feels good to have that kind of power over your own existence.

 

[Manny]

Sorry youre suffering so much man. I really hope I have good news for this board with Neuromod soon.

@RCP1 will you purchasing the device immediately, or will you be waiting for others' testimonials or further evidence?

 

[RCP1]

No I'm not waiting - Immediately.

 

[Manny]

No I'm not waiting - Immediately.

I hope we can benefit from this.
I might also go ASAP. Really it's literally my Hail Mary. I just hope I won't run into too many logistical issues, as I do not live in Ireland.

 

[JLP]

Hi @RCP1, and @Manny,
Now I've watched the Q & A in full, but never really got an exact release date/ month of the device. Did I miss it? I know they're expecting to release it in Ireland next year first, but did they actually mention when?

 

[RCP1]

Hi @RCP1, and @Manny,
Now I've watched the Q & A in full, but never really got an exact release date/ month of the device. Did I miss it? I know they're expecting to release it in Ireland next year first, but did they actually mention when?

No but @Steve said January... judging by the updates to their website they are working towards imminent release...

 

[Agrajag364]

In my mind it's more than ideation. It's slowly taking shape and it feels good to have that kind of power over your own existence.

Does it not make sense to hang on for at least a year to see if you are one of those for whom it goes away?

 

[Bam]

In my mind it's more than ideation. It's slowly taking shape and it feels good to have that kind of power over your own existence.

You feel this way because tinnitus makes you feel the opposite..... utterly powerless. You can't even work toward getting better because nobody knows what to do to make it better. It's the most hopeless feeling of your life spiralling out of control and there's nothing you can do but try and ignore it or fill yourself with drugs that make you feel even more powerless and doomed.

But @Agrajag364 is right. Give it time. You may get really lucky.

 

[Agrajag364]

You feel this way because tinnitus makes you feel the opposite..... utterly powerless. You can't even work toward getting better because nobody knows what to do to make it better. It's the most hopeless feeling of your life spiralling out of control and there's nothing you can do but try and ignore it or fill yourself with drugs that make you feel even more powerless and doomed.

But @Agrajag364 is right. Give it time. You may get really lucky.

This poor lady has had it for 7 months only (or just 2.5 months ringing) and has a small 3 month old baby. I really really hope Angel Dust hangs on for now.

 

[Angel Dust]

Does it not make sense to hang on for at least a year to see if you are one of those for whom it goes away?

I have also considered that. But actually, I change my mind every two seconds. Yep, it's that kind of roller coaster.

You feel this way because tinnitus makes you feel the opposite..... utterly powerless. You can't even work toward getting better because nobody knows what to do to make it better. It's the most hopeless feeling of your life spiralling out of control and there's nothing you can do but try and ignore it or fill yourself with drugs that make you feel even more powerless and doomed.

But @Agrajag364 is right. Give it time. You may get really lucky.

Yeah, you hit the nail on the head.

 

[Bam]

Sorry youre suffering so much man. I really hope I have good news for this board with Neuromod soon.

I hope it works for you mate. My fear is that if this device is hyped up too much it's going to start sending people over the edge when it does jack shit. Neuromod probably have no idea how catastrophic failure could be.