Finally Coming Out...

[Tassadar]

Almost 4 years ago (18 years old) I went to a restaurant which played loud music the entire night. Coming home I noticed that I was experiencing a ceaseless ringing in my hear which was terrifyingly loud. I went to sleep and hoped when I will be back up it would have vanished. It never did. I went into denial and depression.

A couple of days later I was outside filling some water bottles from a nearby pump. A guy, not very far away from me, asked me something. Something which I did not understand. Even though I was forcing myself into complete disbelief deep down I knew I had hearing loss as well. The depression intensified. I went into denial even stronger.

Growing up friendless, painfully shy, self-conscious and almost always on the edge at some point in my teens I started dreaming that one day I will overcome my fears, feel adequate and enjoy life instead of dreading it. One night and one loud orchestra is all it took to shatter my hopes and dreams for a future.

22 now and to this day absolutely no one knows about this. The shame of being disabled is unbearable. Feeling inadequate is no longer just a feeling...it is part of the objective reality. Being isolated from people and the world is not just due to fears in my head anymore...any public space with background noise always informs me of that. Imagine how much more confused, spaced out and confused I look now to others in public when I am missing what people are saying. I feel like such a ridiculous useless tool now and no one knows my secret. I have been pretending and I am exhausted now. But I do not know of any ways out.


Except that you will rush to recommend me going to an audiologist and getting hearing aids, going to a therapist and coming out to the people in my life as well...as if I would be oblivious that this would be the most "mature" course of action. As if I had no idea that this is what someone who values his health and his life would do. As if I had the guts to do that. But, after all, it only depends on me and my choices...not everyone wins at life.

Thank you for reading.

 

[fran dana]

Hello! the two best tips I could give you:

*Talk to someone about your problem. tell him how you really feel, it has to be someone you trust who does not mind see you breaking emotionally. Someone who really understands you
*live day to day. It sounds silly, but the best we can do is not project ourselves in the long term, live in the present and take care of that present. every day is a goal

 

[Tassadar]

Hello! the two best tips I could give you:

*Talk to someone about your problem. tell him how you really feel, it has to be someone you trust who does not mind see you breaking emotionally. Someone who really understands you
*live day to day. It sounds silly, but the best we can do is not project ourselves in the long term, live in the present and take care of that present. every day is a goal

Thank you for taking the time to chime in.

I have no one in my life that is close to me thus I have no one to talk about such a sensitive topic. My only option is strangers on the internet but I think it would be far from nearly as helpful and freeing as having a friend in real life.

 

[glynis]

@Tassadar,
We know what you have gone through but im sure you would like that to change!
Go at your own pace and try to make a goal and one with a taret you know is realistic to you.
Fing out if you have a Tinnitus Support group in your area but for now I know you will make friends on here and one step at a time at your own pace start to build your life up and try talk to an old friend or family member or your doctor.
Love glynis

 

[Hazel]

I have no one in my life that is close to me thus I have no one to talk about such a sensitive topic.

I'm so sorry to hear that :-(

It sounds to me as if your social isolation is the root problem here. You could probably find a way to deal with your tinnitus and hearing loss if you had a social support system. This is of course not easy to come by at all. Have you taken any steps to connect with others? Do you want to but are afraid, or do you not feel the need?

The shame of being disabled is unbearable.

Don't be ashamed! We're all in this together. I know that sense of feeling 'broken'. But the vast majority of human beings have some issues. It doesn't make you unworthy in any way!

 

[Tassadar]

@Tassadar,
We know what you have gone through but im sure you would like that to change!
Go at your own pace and try to make a goal and one with a taret you know is realistic to you.
Fing out if you have a Tinnitus Support group in your area but for now I know you will make friends on here and one step at a time at your own pace start to build your life up and try talk to an old friend or family member or your doctor.
Love glynis

Thank you for the input. I live in Eastern Europe in a relatively small and poor country and "Tinnitus Support group" sounds like something you would not find here. I will check though...

I'm so sorry to hear that :-(

It sounds to me as if your social isolation is the root problem here. You could probably find a way to deal with your tinnitus and hearing loss if you had a social support system. This is of course not easy to come by at all. Have you taken any steps to connect with others? Do you want to but are afraid, or do you not feel the need?



Don't be ashamed! We're all in this together. I know that sense of feeling 'broken'. But the vast majority of human beings have some issues. It doesn't make you unworthy in any way!

Thank you for taking the time to chime in. I have taken steps but I have repedetly failed because with anyone I get to talk to I inevitably hide the most important parts of myself and always have the urge to appear "cool" for them to like. I do not like doing that but my self-esteem is too low to have the courage to handle being myself around people and not lying in order to cover up for my deficiencies.

I appreciate that you are trying to support me but "don't be ashamed" doesn't help me at all. It makes me feel even more resentful. Most people have issues indeed but 19-22 olds with hearing loss is not something you bump into that often. It is one thing to have bad teeth but hearing loss is debilitating.

 

[glynis]

@Tassadar,
I have hearing loss due to Meniere's Disease and it keeps getting worse in both ears.
I'm 52 but for me it is still hard to deal with when in bed and can not hear a sound from down stairs just the loud ringing in my ears that is sever as well as the lost hearing,I lost the ability to locate sound around me .
My hearing aids help my hearing but still no location of sound.
Anyway we are here for you and I understand how you feel ,my youngest son 22 has hearing loss as had his ear bones removed in is left ear when he was 7.
love glynis

 

[Hazel]

I appreciate that you are trying to support me but "don't be ashamed" doesn't help me at all. It makes me feel even more resentful.

I know it doesn't help to tell someone who feels a certain way "well, just don't feel like that." That is not what I meant to say. I was just trying to convey that your worth as a human being is not any less because you have hearing loss and tinnitus. You seem to believe that this is the case, and I'm sure there are many reasons for that, but this still doesn't make it true.

I have taken steps but I have repedetly failed because with anyone I get to talk to I inevitably hide the most important parts of myself and always have the urge to appear "cool" for them to like. I do not like doing that but my self-esteem is too low to have the courage to handle being myself around people and not lying in order to cover up for my deficiencies.

That's a tough thing to get over. I just hope you won't give up trying...

Wishing you all the best.

 

[dingaling]

@Tassadar

Yes, sounds like there is more going on than just the tinnitus. I hope you can feel welcome on here and make virtual friends. We are all here for the same reason (i.e. tinnitus) and if you look around the forum, many people have shared their stories and experiences here.

Are you registered with a GP? Can you talk to him/her? You need support and hence need to open up and talk to somebody. You've made a good start by coming here - at least you can remain anonymous.

Tinnitus does not have to be disabling, however, once you are in the cycle of depression, it can be harder to get yourself out. Talk to somebody - your GP, your family - you may be surprised at their reaction