Finally Had My Long Overdue Breakdown — Regret, Loss, and the Unbearable Weight of Tinnitus

[Scruffiey]

I just cried like a baby for the first time in I don't know how long. In the span of four months, I've lost my dad, my chance at any kind of normal life, and my well-being. And I was so fucking stupid to think tinnitus wouldn't get me. Even after I learned it existed, I kept pushing my limits—using earphones and headphones at full blast for way too long, acting recklessly. I knew I was the last person in the world equipped to deal with this, yet I still ignored the risk.

The accidental explosion I was in the room with 13 years ago should have been my wake-up call. But I only had a minute of tinnitus, just a little unilateral hearing loss, so I figured it would never happen to me. I'm pretty sure I went straight back to gigs without protection after that.

I stupidly thought there'd be some kind of early warning, that I'd have time to stop before it got bad. But I think I already had it, and it crept up so slowly that I didn't even notice. I should have ignored my anxiety about looking it up, done the research, and understood just how bad it could get—how much it could impact my life. Maybe then I could have stopped this or at least delayed it long enough to live a little more first.

Some people get tinnitus from just one gig, even with hearing protection. I got it from a lifetime of stupidity, from abusing my ears—and it's the one thing that can't be fixed. Honestly, it's a miracle I'm not deaf already. Not that I can enjoy that fact now.

I feel like I've just been lying to myself, pretending I can carry on like this.

I just want it all to go away. I've nearly always had mild suicidal ideation, but I kept going for my family. Now I realize just how scared I am to die—how good I had it before and how I've wasted my chance at life. Seeing how much it hurts my mom to watch me live in fear, too scared to even go outside, afraid of pain or worsening noise… after everything she's been through caring for my dad. I was supposed to take her on all the trips we planned for when we were finally free again.

There's never going to be a cure, is there? And if there is, most of my life will have already slipped away. I'll have stolen freedom from everyone around me…

 

[BrOKeN_1]

One of favorite quotes. Living with chronic unilateral tinnitus is not easy or fun. It can be very difficult to steer your thoughts from depression and suicidal ideation. Not impossible, but extremely difficult. I hope you have some good days soon.