As I approached it with meditation, it became more passive. I took some of my life back. I became operational once again, calmer, functioning,,, my survival instinct is intact.
Hey
@Jazzer
I always appreciate your philosophical musings (if I may call them that). I also appreciate your openess and interest in others' philosophical perspectives. Thought I'd mention a little tidbit on how I view some things about the "human condition" as it relates to your above comment.
We're all very complex human beings, living our life through our physical bodes, in addition to our emotional, mental, subconscious, psychological, and dream states (and perhaps a few others). I've come to believe that when we start meditating, or doing some other discipline to get greater control in our lives, we actually very subtly begin to start tuning into ourselves more and more as Soul.
Some indications that this is happening is our ability to calm ourselves to a greater degree, become a little more detached from things that might otherwise overwhelm us, start experiencing greater degress of love and gratitude in our lives, etc. Often we make these changes without even being particularly aware of them at first, but those around us will often notice it before we do. Anyway, your experiences seem to validate my own perspectives on some of the deeper things that can happen once we start to mediate, or do something similar like Qi Gong, etc.
But every person has a limit. A point where it's just all too much and there's nothing left to cling to.
Hey
@Bam,
I know that feeling all too well, so I can empathize greatly with how you feel. I thought I had reached a fairly comfortable place of equinimity after doing my own version of mediation for many years (I call it a contemplative exercise), despite having to deal with some pretty difficult and intractable health issues over a long period of time. However, I was totally unprepared for my initial onset of tinnitus/severe hyperacusis, precipitated by a drug that was given to me in the ER.
It was given to me as an anti-nausea medication, but wasn't told that it was initially formulated as an antipsychotic drug, AND, had the potential to induce psychotic episodes. I don't know if that's what happened to me, but what I experienced was something at least resembling it. I awoke the following morning with not only screeching, unbearable tinnitus, but had thoughts/images/emotions, etc, racing through my system at about 20-30x the normal pace.
My body was flush red, and remained so for many days. My balance was greatly affected, I had horrible twitching muscles and other muscle pain and spasms. My eyes and eyesight went haywire for a few days, could hardly eat, couldn't sleep for more than 5 minutes at a time, and when I did, woke up to my tinnitus being about 3x louder. Unbelievably, there was much more, including intense feelings of ADD, ADHD, extreme anxiety, depression, etc.
I didn't think I'd make it! Despite my years of having done so many things to maintain my equilibrium, I was spinning like a top out of control, and all I wanted to do was die. I thought about it constantly, and almost prayed for it to happen. I even thought there was about a 25% probability I wasn't going to make it, because of the ongoing intermittent and unpredictable seizures I was going through those first few weeks.
After getting only about 30 minutes of sleep a night during those early excruciating days, I began to
very slowly start to do things that helped me sleep, help me cope, etc. But the constant thoughts and feelings of desperately and frantically needing to escape from this horror was all consuming for those first few weeks, only "beginning" to subside in the following months. I don't believe it was any kind of process of habituating, as I don't know whether that's likely to happen for me. I think it's more that my brain and neurological system are ever so slowly beginning to heal.
Besdies the shock from what I considered to be the most difficult (and ongoing) experiences of my life, it has also been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. It made me question everything I'd believed in and done for myself spiritually in the years leading up to it. If I'd been as successful as I thought I was at reaching my own sense of equanimity, then why did I so desperately want to die? And why couldn't I even hardly imagine anything in the future beyond making it through the next moment, not to mention the next day, or next week, etc?
I alternated between going back to some of my "spiritual basics", or discarding them altogether. I leaned toward the latter, as I could not do a mediation, or contemplation anyway. Trying to sit or lie still and calm myself made me almost go beserk. After a while however, I felt I had to find SOME way to restore a sense of equilibrium. I began by trying to do "walking" mediations, in part to avoid that going beserk feeling. I could only do it for 10-20 seconds at a time however.
But I kept at it, eventually extending it out to a minute (wow), and then longer. Once I started being able to sleep, things began to improve more quickly. After a while, I was able to go back to my sitting contemplations, even though it felt like torture to do so. The screeching was SO LOUD, and it was a constant battle to literally NOT SCREAM from the torment as I tried to calm myself. Eventually however (and I don't know how exactly), but I did. I could even get to the point where after about 15 minutes, the tinnitus began to feel less threatening and intrusive. -- But this is no "success" story. I'm doing better at "coping", but I don't feel anywhere close to getting beyond "enduring".
Bam, I had no idea I would be writing out so much in the post. I thought it would just be a short note to Jazzer, until I saw your above comment. Just wanted you to know that I absolutely hear you! I haven't read some of your earlier accounts of your experiences in a while, but I do recall there were some similarities between yours and my overall experiences (I won't even get into my fear of being institutionalized if I were to try to get help through our health care system).
Perhaps to end on a slightly more upbeat note: -- I'm coping better these days (most of the time). It's now rare that I don't find at least some moment or short period of time in a day where I can actually experience humor, joy, love, gratitude, and other positive things in life. One of the things I've learned from my experiece is to fully appreciate those moments and savor them with every ounce of my beingness. Because I never know how long it will be until they arrive again. But as time goes by, I'm becoming more and more confident they will arrive again, and they're doing so with greater regularity.
Something else I've learned (about myself). I'm more resilient (and indomitable) that I would have ever imagined. I don't know that I would have learned that any other way. And it gives me hope that I can build on that, and become a little more creative and patient in my every day life. I believe it's the only way I'm ever going to get to the point of feeling my life is worth living again, much less thriving as I'd really like to do.
Until then, frustration and discouragement abound. I all too often feel like I'm barefuly enduring life rather than living it fully. But I've been around this world long enough to recognize that to a large degree, human beings are "problem solving machines" ("ego defending mechanisms" as well, but no need to get into that now! lol). Nobody escapes life without having to resolve some kind of difficult situation(s) they're confronted with. Just so happens, those on this board are dealing with a problem(s) that is not only particularly vexing and painful, but sort of creepy as well.
Dave, Bam, -- All the best to both you. I appreciate your ongoing dialogue (and friendship) with each other. Thought I'd chime in today for a moment. Had no idea it was going to be such a long chime however.
--
Take care!
@Bill Bauer, I think you once mentioned Bam's story was one of the most incredulous you'd ever read. Since my story has some similarities to Bam's, I thought I'd tag you hear in case you had an interest. -- Best....
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