Hello Everyone

[Killasune]

Hello, my name is Justin. I was born in 1988. In 1991 my parents, little sister born in 1990 and I were in a collision. Coming off Myrevile Road onto the highway this speeding car smashed into the drivers side. I asleep on the back seat slid into the floorboard with such force I cracked my skull and shattered my left knee cap on the two sliding rails of the front seat before me, which I cannot say for certain, driver or passenger. My little sister was chest to chest with my father in the passenger seat, barely a year old she was bent over the dash breaking every vertebrate in her back. I have had it as far back as I can remember remember, which is around 94.

As a child you can't cope with just "hearing things" I swore something lived in my closet I could hear it and it tormented me to were I would not leave my bed. I would wet the bed.. On the off chance I braved it I would launch myself from the bed,leaving every light on in my wake. To scared to return I would be found in our den, sleeping TV on to mask the noises that plagued me. Soon as my mother turned it off I bolted upright claiming she had woke me, now knowing the truth the noise did.

Go ahead and laugh at me but this went on till I was 14, yes, I wet the bed that long due to my fears. I then found online gaming and role-playing. It helped and I begin being up all night... Ah the comforting sound of that old ass dial up connecting, then the constant tapping of keys nullified the sound.

Since then I've worked on staying up all night gaming and sleeping while my mom would work around me on the couch or watch TV, this helped a lot at that time.

Now let's face it, I was an idiot and very stupid, I had waited so long that its so bad nothing helps.

Call me what I am a monster, an asshole it's your call. I lash out for no reason it's like just looking at my wife of almost 9 years sets me off.. I know now it's me, she has been telling me for years something's wrong. And I the idiotic retard would tell her there is nothing wrong with me. Tune that damn loud ass whining TV off I can't sleep with it on... But the TV has, been off... Impossible... I have been hearing it since I woke up to you watching TV....

This very instance she sits in front of me, there is nothing but the AC on, the TV are unplugged from its power source yet that high pitch whining only explainable as the picture tube warming up is all... I can't even hear the AC running. I feel like a piece of shit.

All these years I had nothing but her to point blame at because I thought I was ok.

It's to the point only the loudest earphones help now.

It's to the point I swear I hear voices even, hell I have gone insane.

Talk to me at your own discretion, some days are better than others.

 

[sirhand]

Welcome! Try not to beat yourself up, you've been dealt a hand no one deserves and you're handling it with great strength.

 

[HearsToHope]

I thought I was hearing voices the other night. Turns out it was just my T playing tricks on me. My wife's snoring somehow mixed with the tinnitus and it sounded like muffled talking.

 

[robHing]

Hi... Please don't negate yourself.
There is nothing beyond your control.
The old incident is part of your fate of life.

Face it bravely and do not aggravate your tinnitus.
Stay away from loud environments.
Ask any questions in your mind.

YOU ARE WARMLY WELCOME HERE !

 

[John CC]

Hello First things first, you are human, like all of us, and you know what that means? It means that you, like everyone, tries their best to deal with whatever situation they are in the the best of their abilitities. We all have made mistakes, done things we are not proud of and otherwise would not have done, and then we look back, and say, 'What was I thinking?, Idiot, Moron, etc'. So when you get after yourself and blame yourself for what you did, to the best of your ability, means one thing, YOU ARE NOT AN idiot, a moron, etc., YOU ARE HUMAN, and that is it. When things start to close in, stop, take three deep breaths slowly, and slow everything down, and say to yourself, "I can learn, be stronger, love and live a good, hell great, life. I have a wife, a life and I will find enjoyment."

You can not change the past, it is done, the only way you can change your future is in the present. The only way you can change the present is by changing your thoughts in the 'now'. By continuing to blame yourself, beat yourself up, call yourself names, you are not changing your past, just making sure it will continue. So you have to decide, 'Do you want to continue the past, or change it?' The fact you came on this site, the fact that you were able to get married, and still function, the fact you asked for help tells me you do not want to continue the past. Yes or no???

To change in the now means you have to realize some things about yourself. First, you are amazing and awesome in that you pushed forward through this on your own, to the best of your abilities using all the knowledge you possessed at the time, and now you are on this forum and you will learn new things you could not have been expected to know. Second, believe in yourself, and that you can change, learn and leave this behind. Third, you can control this, by actually re-reading one and two just above, and believe it. Fourth, give your wife a hug and say thank-you for being there, and then get the hug and support you deserve. Fifth, you are supported and understood in this forum, and no one will think of you as any of the terms you used to describe yourself, so get rid of those adjectives, they do not belong in your life. Start using the adjectives, seraching, hopeful, human, etc..

Below are some of the things that I have found have helped me at the start to navigate the world of T. for I too am new to tinnitus, just over one month in. I am glad you found this forum as it gave me the hope and the support I needed from a lot of different people who are united by one element, tinnitus. From what I have read and experienced, T. is very stressful. As I am new to the world of T. I can only give you insight into the stuff I had to learn right at the start, and this may help you learn how to get a handle of it. There are others on this forum who can speak with much greater knowledge about hearing and tinnitus, and answer your questions about how your T. started, and your future. Mine can get so loud I hear it over a car engine on the highway, I hear it when I wake up, and then it goes down to next to nothing, it is in one ear, then the other. What gets me through all this is the support and wisdom I have received on this forum telling me, after patiently listening to me, as to what was happening to me and what to expect. For me it was that I had some hopeful signs. So far, their advice has been pretty good, and what I needed.


Everyone knows what you are going through, and you are not alone, you have support at this site. There are others who regularly read, support and answer your questions. Just realize that this site is a world wide site, so if people do not respond right away, it is because they may be on another continent.


As I suspect, you have already been reading the posts in the Introduce Yourself and Support sections. These sections may help you gain some insight to issues and aspects of tinnitus. What follows is the answers to my own questions re. 'How do I function?', I hope this helps you navigate the next little while. First do not blame yourself for not doing some of the following suggestions, you didn't know any diffeent. Ok, loud noise = bad (so at the start listen to your music at a lower volume and movies can be loud so be wary and keep the volume down), head phones = bad, ear protection = good (ear plugs, if you use foam make sure you know how to insert them, I got moulded, and/or ear muffs), being aware and not letting your guard down, e.g., going into a loud restaurant or coffee shop without ear protection and thinking it will be ok = not good, when outside and your tinnitus fluctuates realize it can be a result of normal fluctuations, so don't panic, but definitely avoid loud noises as this can affect your tinnitus. Total silence can also be challenging, because, guess what, all you are doing in total silence is listening to your T. Over protecting your ears can also have consequences. It is an interesting balancing act. When you go to bed have some music playing in the background. I have found on the internet Tinnitus Sound Therapy music, and for me it helped. I listened to different music, some spoke to me, some didn't. I have it on during the day, and at night I take my laptop into by bedroom and play it overnight (some of the sites go for 8 to 10 hours). From what I have learned, it is good to play it just below the level of your T.

If you read the paragraph above, and you started to go, I should have done that, why didn't I and you start to beat yourself up, go back and reread the first three paragraphs.


This is the harder one, but is very important. Hope is a good thing and realizing that you can oversome this is, while hard to see, is very real. It is important, and I know it is much easier to say than do, but learning to focus your attention from the screeming in your ear is possible. As I am writing this, my left ear is louder, and my right has been angry for the past 6 hours. I am dealing with it by working on not focusing on it by looking past it and directing my attention on the tv (the tv is not bad, providing you watch the volume) for ex. and reminding myself that it will go down. It does take time to get to this point. One approach, of many, could be to shift your focus and try to think of something you enjoy, or makes you feel good. I remember one post where she watched Star Trek for a month, because it is filled with hope. Meditation and mindfulness and yoga have appeared in a number of posts from people sharing that this helped. If you don't meditate and are willing, there are guided meditation web sites, or look for a meditation class in your area. Tell the orgainzer why you are exploring meditation, and she, or he, can actually run a class that may help you deal with your T. Focusing constantly on your T. = not good, and actually gives your T. power over you, when it is exactly the opposite, you have the power over it. Unfortunately it does take time to adjust, so give yourself time, and some understanding.


From what I have learned in a number of cases it does get better, but that is where others can share their greater wisdon on this. As I said I am new myself so I focus on the importance of support and hope at this important entry time to the world of T. as I call it. Coffee Girl, Bill B., Fishbone, Micheal L., Glnyis, Greg among others who have a lot of good ideas, and more expereience than I do.


Best of luck, I hope this helps.

John CC