Greetings!
I am writing this because I personally have found other people's experiences with tinnitus to be very helpful in times of struggle for myself. I solely want to spread the love and kindness, maybe my experience will help others through theirs!
I first noticed the ringing in my ears in April 2016(1 year and 3 months ago). I initially thought it was an electronic noise from something in my room. I scoured my room for the noise. My girlfriend heard absolutely nothing. It then dawned on me that it was coming from myself. I instantly panicked, I am a hypochondriac in general and always worried about things related to my health. I instantly went to the internet(huge mistake always)… What I found was a wealth of information, most of which was negative. I am sure you all have dug deep into T on the internet as well so I will not elaborate.
So now I am freaking out… Will this ever end? Will it get louder? Can I handle this? The more I thought about it the more I was consumed by the noise. I went to the doctor the next day and he said nothing was wrong with my ears or hearing, said a lot of people have it for no apparent reason. He said he personally has a minor ringing in his ears but only notices it when it is very quiet and that it doesn't bother him. The fact that he too had ringing brought me peace for a moment but when I returned home I slowly started to freak out again.
I spent the next 2 months trying to escape this noise. I received acupuncture and reiki, began working out daily, quit drinking, wore earplugs to concerts. Every morning I would wake up with a huge feeling of disappointment as soon as I realized the ringing was still there. I got progressively more anxious when I started to think that it may never go away. I began to think I was doomed, I felt like I was never going to reach the level of happiness I used to have ever again. I started looking at the past extremely nostalgically. I got down on myself for not fully appreciating my past life without tinnitus. I kept thinking how much better my life was without it. I thought I was never going to feel peace again. My mind continuously ran with anxious thoughts and I felt myself getting tenser and tenser. I was so sad thinking that I would never be able to truly enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I thought T was going to make me go crazy and that my life was over. I could continue listing the dark thoughts, but you get the point!
I eventually gave up on trying to do anything to improve it. I started to drink again, pretty heavily. It seemed when I was drunk enough I didn't notice the T… I started to not even think about it when I was drinking(keep reading, drinking is not the answer haha!). I am not sure at what point it happened, but I eventually stopped even thinking about it when I was sober. From June 2016 to April 2017 I drank about 5 days a week on average and was getting very drunk every time I did. T was no longer a problem, it never came to mind anymore…Until….
April 2017, I was at the peak of my binge drinking. I had drank pretty much every day for a month and was at the point where many nights I would finish a 750ml bottle of vodka to myself. I had been having a great time the last 10 months, I was partying all the time, no care in the world. Then late at night at a friends dinner party, the ringing came back with a vengeance. I was drunk enough that night to ignore it as best as possible but it definitely shook me up.
The next day I was very hungover at my apartment, I didn't remember the ringing from the night before and wasn't noticing it now. But, by some wild twist of fate, a friend of mine posted a tinnitus cure video(video was useless) on my Facebook and said "Didn't you have ringing". I instantly check if I have ringing and it was back!(I now believe it was always there, I just wasn't focusing my attention on it).
I tried to stay calm, telling myself it will pass, but over the next few days the ringing and my anxiety got worse and worse. I was back in this hell of tinnitus. I tried to go on with my life, have some drinks, relax, but now when I would drink it seemed like the T would get worse. I decided I would take a break from drinking again..
The terrible thoughts of doom flooded me again, I thought I was for sure done for this time. I thought I'd never be able to have any fun or be any fun again. I thought I was going to lose my girlfriend because of my constant anxiety. I thought I was going to be nothing but a dark cloud in other's lives. I thought I was stuck with this incessant ringing forever and that I would never feel peace or happiness again.
I continued to try to run from the ringing, I would get acupuncture, run 6 miles a day, go to a spa and soak in tubs, hike as much as possible, still hang out with friends. I tried to keep my life running as usual(besides drinking) which helped distract me temporarily, but the worry about the T would always creep into my mind and eventually me out of the moment and lead me into a spiral of anxiety culminating in my crying my eyes out to my girlfriend telling here "I'm doomed" or asking "Am I crazy". The crying actually seemed to work as a nice temporary release, but the anxiety would slowly creep back and the vicious cycle continued.
One day, my girlfriend recommended I look into mindfulness. This is where everything changed…. I began to read a ton into mindfulness and eastern philosophy/religion. Mindfulness is about being completely consumed by the moment, not worrying about the past or future. The idea is to be fully involved in what you are doing at that very moment, whether it be doing the dishes or skydiving. It is about letting your thoughts and emotions flow through you and observing them as though they are clouds in the sky rather than grasping them as though they are something tangible. Through practicing mindfulness(I began meditating and doing yoga daily) I started to observe myself in a whole new light.
I started to see the negative effects drinking had had on me, even before T, and realized that I was using it as a mechanism to suppress suffering and anxiety rather than allowing myself to process these emotions.(Alcohol was just my escape, you can replace alcohol with countless different things and this story will still ring true).
I started to look at T as a trigger for suppressed anxiety and pain rather than the cause of the anxiety and pain. This change in mindset allowed me to look past the T and see what the real root of my anxiety was. By blaming all of my anxiety and suffering on T, I wasn't allowing myself to dig deeper and find the deep rooted sources of my anxiety and suffering.
As soon as I stopped blaming T for all of my problems, I allowed the real ones to surface. I am not going to list the countless things I had to face and accept, but I will say that as I dug deeper, more and more layers began to shed until I finally hit this deep fear of impermanence.
To get to some of the roots of my anxiety and suffering took me a couple months, they would slowly reveal themselves to me during and after exercise, meditation, walking… basically whenever I was able to let my mind flow freely.
The thoughts of all those I care about eventually passing away and myself passing away were so painful to deeply think about that I wouldn't even allow them to surface. There was a ton of initial resistance to looking at these issues, I would find myself turning back to obsessing over the T and thinking thoughts like "if only the T would stop, all would be well". I had to continue to remind myself that the T was just a trigger, not the root. I had to stop blaming the T. The more I tried to look past the T, the more courage I built. I eventually allowed myself to look directly at painful thoughts and fears that I did not want to admit I had.
When I finally accepted that I was afraid to die and that I was afraid to lose those I cared about, specifically my girlfriend, I was able to start healing. I meditated on those thoughts of impermanence and began to process them. When I really started to look at the things I thought I was afraid of, I realized the most painful and scary part was the fear itself, not the actual thought of death. I have no explanation as to how one can "let go" of the fear of death. The most I can say is stop trying to let go, stop trying to stop trying to let go as well.
Now that I have stopped blaming my T for my suffering and anxiety, I have went long stretches without thinking about, noticing, or worrying about it. It most certainly is still there but I feel myself habituating to it.
I now have opened myself up to truly process my pain and anxiety and feel myself getting lighter every moment. I now have had blissful experiences with T in my life and find myself free from worries more than I am worried.
I think T and death are a great analogy. They both are completely out of our control but there are reminders of them all around us. You always can hear your T if you look hard enough for it, and everything is dying around us every moment. The bottom line is both of these things are only scary and "bad" if you allow them to be. Stop running away, stop avoiding your pain. Just feel it without any judgement. Stop trying to stop thinking about your worries, let them flood you then pass!
This is all easier said than done, words can never accurately describe the way to find liberation from pain and I am far from a writer… but I hope this can help someone.
You aren't alone, you aren't doomed, give up, stop fighting it. T will be there whether you care about it or not, so who cares!
I can honestly say I am free from T even though it is still here.
Most important advice…..
T is a trigger, not the root of anxiety.
T isn't intrinsically bad in any way.
The more you worry, the louder it gets, but try not to worry about worrying
"Imagine yourself waking up after never having been asleep…now imagine yourself going to sleep without ever waking up… relate that to death"
Be patient and gentle with yourself… we're all hurting in one way or another, you need the pain to feel the pleasure. Don't get down on yourself for feeling down.
Know that all feelings, like everything else, will eventually pass… you are never stuck or doomed, you are ever changing and infinite!
You will be OK!
Sorry if this is all over the place but know I love you all and wish you nothing but joy!
Book recommendations:
"The Miracle of Mindfulness" Thich Nhat Hanh
"The Wisdom of No Escape" Pema Chodron
"Out of Your Mind" Alan Watts
"Peace is Every Step" Thich Nhat Hanh
"Zen Mind, Beginners Mind" Shunryu Suzuki
Also!!! If you need something to take the edge off of your anxiety I would HIGHLY recommend 50mg of hemp oil twice daily! Has done wonders in my times of struggle.
Last.., here are some links to T habituation stories that have saved me!
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/not-just-coping-but-living-fully.9393/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-266...diagnosis-changed-my-life-for-the-better.html
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/living-a-happy-life-with-severe-tinnitus.15898/
I am writing this because I personally have found other people's experiences with tinnitus to be very helpful in times of struggle for myself. I solely want to spread the love and kindness, maybe my experience will help others through theirs!
I first noticed the ringing in my ears in April 2016(1 year and 3 months ago). I initially thought it was an electronic noise from something in my room. I scoured my room for the noise. My girlfriend heard absolutely nothing. It then dawned on me that it was coming from myself. I instantly panicked, I am a hypochondriac in general and always worried about things related to my health. I instantly went to the internet(huge mistake always)… What I found was a wealth of information, most of which was negative. I am sure you all have dug deep into T on the internet as well so I will not elaborate.
So now I am freaking out… Will this ever end? Will it get louder? Can I handle this? The more I thought about it the more I was consumed by the noise. I went to the doctor the next day and he said nothing was wrong with my ears or hearing, said a lot of people have it for no apparent reason. He said he personally has a minor ringing in his ears but only notices it when it is very quiet and that it doesn't bother him. The fact that he too had ringing brought me peace for a moment but when I returned home I slowly started to freak out again.
I spent the next 2 months trying to escape this noise. I received acupuncture and reiki, began working out daily, quit drinking, wore earplugs to concerts. Every morning I would wake up with a huge feeling of disappointment as soon as I realized the ringing was still there. I got progressively more anxious when I started to think that it may never go away. I began to think I was doomed, I felt like I was never going to reach the level of happiness I used to have ever again. I started looking at the past extremely nostalgically. I got down on myself for not fully appreciating my past life without tinnitus. I kept thinking how much better my life was without it. I thought I was never going to feel peace again. My mind continuously ran with anxious thoughts and I felt myself getting tenser and tenser. I was so sad thinking that I would never be able to truly enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I thought T was going to make me go crazy and that my life was over. I could continue listing the dark thoughts, but you get the point!
I eventually gave up on trying to do anything to improve it. I started to drink again, pretty heavily. It seemed when I was drunk enough I didn't notice the T… I started to not even think about it when I was drinking(keep reading, drinking is not the answer haha!). I am not sure at what point it happened, but I eventually stopped even thinking about it when I was sober. From June 2016 to April 2017 I drank about 5 days a week on average and was getting very drunk every time I did. T was no longer a problem, it never came to mind anymore…Until….
April 2017, I was at the peak of my binge drinking. I had drank pretty much every day for a month and was at the point where many nights I would finish a 750ml bottle of vodka to myself. I had been having a great time the last 10 months, I was partying all the time, no care in the world. Then late at night at a friends dinner party, the ringing came back with a vengeance. I was drunk enough that night to ignore it as best as possible but it definitely shook me up.
The next day I was very hungover at my apartment, I didn't remember the ringing from the night before and wasn't noticing it now. But, by some wild twist of fate, a friend of mine posted a tinnitus cure video(video was useless) on my Facebook and said "Didn't you have ringing". I instantly check if I have ringing and it was back!(I now believe it was always there, I just wasn't focusing my attention on it).
I tried to stay calm, telling myself it will pass, but over the next few days the ringing and my anxiety got worse and worse. I was back in this hell of tinnitus. I tried to go on with my life, have some drinks, relax, but now when I would drink it seemed like the T would get worse. I decided I would take a break from drinking again..
The terrible thoughts of doom flooded me again, I thought I was for sure done for this time. I thought I'd never be able to have any fun or be any fun again. I thought I was going to lose my girlfriend because of my constant anxiety. I thought I was going to be nothing but a dark cloud in other's lives. I thought I was stuck with this incessant ringing forever and that I would never feel peace or happiness again.
I continued to try to run from the ringing, I would get acupuncture, run 6 miles a day, go to a spa and soak in tubs, hike as much as possible, still hang out with friends. I tried to keep my life running as usual(besides drinking) which helped distract me temporarily, but the worry about the T would always creep into my mind and eventually me out of the moment and lead me into a spiral of anxiety culminating in my crying my eyes out to my girlfriend telling here "I'm doomed" or asking "Am I crazy". The crying actually seemed to work as a nice temporary release, but the anxiety would slowly creep back and the vicious cycle continued.
One day, my girlfriend recommended I look into mindfulness. This is where everything changed…. I began to read a ton into mindfulness and eastern philosophy/religion. Mindfulness is about being completely consumed by the moment, not worrying about the past or future. The idea is to be fully involved in what you are doing at that very moment, whether it be doing the dishes or skydiving. It is about letting your thoughts and emotions flow through you and observing them as though they are clouds in the sky rather than grasping them as though they are something tangible. Through practicing mindfulness(I began meditating and doing yoga daily) I started to observe myself in a whole new light.
I started to see the negative effects drinking had had on me, even before T, and realized that I was using it as a mechanism to suppress suffering and anxiety rather than allowing myself to process these emotions.(Alcohol was just my escape, you can replace alcohol with countless different things and this story will still ring true).
I started to look at T as a trigger for suppressed anxiety and pain rather than the cause of the anxiety and pain. This change in mindset allowed me to look past the T and see what the real root of my anxiety was. By blaming all of my anxiety and suffering on T, I wasn't allowing myself to dig deeper and find the deep rooted sources of my anxiety and suffering.
As soon as I stopped blaming T for all of my problems, I allowed the real ones to surface. I am not going to list the countless things I had to face and accept, but I will say that as I dug deeper, more and more layers began to shed until I finally hit this deep fear of impermanence.
To get to some of the roots of my anxiety and suffering took me a couple months, they would slowly reveal themselves to me during and after exercise, meditation, walking… basically whenever I was able to let my mind flow freely.
The thoughts of all those I care about eventually passing away and myself passing away were so painful to deeply think about that I wouldn't even allow them to surface. There was a ton of initial resistance to looking at these issues, I would find myself turning back to obsessing over the T and thinking thoughts like "if only the T would stop, all would be well". I had to continue to remind myself that the T was just a trigger, not the root. I had to stop blaming the T. The more I tried to look past the T, the more courage I built. I eventually allowed myself to look directly at painful thoughts and fears that I did not want to admit I had.
When I finally accepted that I was afraid to die and that I was afraid to lose those I cared about, specifically my girlfriend, I was able to start healing. I meditated on those thoughts of impermanence and began to process them. When I really started to look at the things I thought I was afraid of, I realized the most painful and scary part was the fear itself, not the actual thought of death. I have no explanation as to how one can "let go" of the fear of death. The most I can say is stop trying to let go, stop trying to stop trying to let go as well.
Now that I have stopped blaming my T for my suffering and anxiety, I have went long stretches without thinking about, noticing, or worrying about it. It most certainly is still there but I feel myself habituating to it.
I now have opened myself up to truly process my pain and anxiety and feel myself getting lighter every moment. I now have had blissful experiences with T in my life and find myself free from worries more than I am worried.
I think T and death are a great analogy. They both are completely out of our control but there are reminders of them all around us. You always can hear your T if you look hard enough for it, and everything is dying around us every moment. The bottom line is both of these things are only scary and "bad" if you allow them to be. Stop running away, stop avoiding your pain. Just feel it without any judgement. Stop trying to stop thinking about your worries, let them flood you then pass!
This is all easier said than done, words can never accurately describe the way to find liberation from pain and I am far from a writer… but I hope this can help someone.
You aren't alone, you aren't doomed, give up, stop fighting it. T will be there whether you care about it or not, so who cares!
I can honestly say I am free from T even though it is still here.
Most important advice…..
T is a trigger, not the root of anxiety.
T isn't intrinsically bad in any way.
The more you worry, the louder it gets, but try not to worry about worrying
"Imagine yourself waking up after never having been asleep…now imagine yourself going to sleep without ever waking up… relate that to death"
Be patient and gentle with yourself… we're all hurting in one way or another, you need the pain to feel the pleasure. Don't get down on yourself for feeling down.
Know that all feelings, like everything else, will eventually pass… you are never stuck or doomed, you are ever changing and infinite!
You will be OK!
Sorry if this is all over the place but know I love you all and wish you nothing but joy!
Book recommendations:
"The Miracle of Mindfulness" Thich Nhat Hanh
"The Wisdom of No Escape" Pema Chodron
"Out of Your Mind" Alan Watts
"Peace is Every Step" Thich Nhat Hanh
"Zen Mind, Beginners Mind" Shunryu Suzuki
Also!!! If you need something to take the edge off of your anxiety I would HIGHLY recommend 50mg of hemp oil twice daily! Has done wonders in my times of struggle.
Last.., here are some links to T habituation stories that have saved me!
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/not-just-coping-but-living-fully.9393/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-266...diagnosis-changed-my-life-for-the-better.html
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/living-a-happy-life-with-severe-tinnitus.15898/
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