Help I'm Suicidal (Wall of Text)

[Contrast]

TLDR : I was always mentally ill and right as my life improves I get Tinnitus, Hyperacusis, and hearing loss and I am suicidal because of it. I am struggling to stay a live desperate for a scientific miracle. I'm giving it five years tops.

I'm 23 I have ADHD, autism, borderline personality disorder and depression all my life. I don't even feel like I belong here. My tinnitus isn't even that loud it's just very high pitch, I feel it in both ears and in my middle of my head, It is reactive to many noises. All my favorite music has now has beeping noises as well as decible reduction in both ears and high frequency loss in my right ear as well as the occasional pain in my right ear from hyperacusis. Every day voices now cause beeping noise. If I use a fan to drown out the tinnitus it makes a high pitch drone. The shower has a high pitch droning noise as well.

My tinnitus started when I had my headphones on and my loud speakers on max volume and I accidentally played an extremely loud Youtube video relating to "dank memes" The noise was an super extremely loud scream. This lasted several seconds as I was dumb enough to sit through the noise exposure in awe of the mind garbage stupidity. Afterward I literally laughed and just thought It was nothing serious and to just give my ears a bit of a rest. I had no idea my life was shattered.

The next few days I noticed my right ear was hurting while listening to my Ipod, something I obviously shouldn't have done and continued for the first two weeks. Then the tinnitus which I actually suspected I had the first day got louder and I began to notice hearing loss and hyperacusis. Fast forward months later and I'm still the same.

Before I got tinnitus my life was picking up for the first time in five years because of all the hard work I invested in earlier 2017, I felt like I was escaping my depression. I was suppose to start classes in 2018 which I was excited about. Now my dreams are killed and the only way I will realistically be happy is if scientist tackle the issue of hearing loss, tinnitus and hyperacusis.

I've always had the short end of the stick in life and now I will never have a moment of silence, or enjoy music or anything that makes life enjoyable again unless science has a breakthrough and I can afford it. I keep telling myself I'm going to give it five years or so just to see how far research has gone then make the decision if I want to keep living from there. Three drug candidates and Susan Shores device from the University of Michigan look promising but there are NO GUARANTEES in the medical world.

Otonomy |OTO-413
Frequency |FX-322
Affichem |AF243

I adapted to so much bullshit in life and showed amazing resilience and will power because the music that inspired me to live my dreams and kept me going like a soldier, now that that's gone.
Now I lost my job, no one cares and I'm just damned. Anti depressants make my tinnitus worse and my BPD has made me a psycho mess. I just find each day of existence to be a painful struggle and my family is extremely unconcerned. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

I have to be either the most solution driven man or the most delusional man on this forum. I can't get over knowing how retarded my existence is. I can barely make it each day without multiple panic attacks, auditory hallucinations in my head, repetitive traumatic thoughts and deep regrets that trigger a chain reaction of painful emotions. I still can remember the way music use to sound and memories of my dreams. Just giving myself a daunting challenge to stay a live and be productive for the next five years in hopes of a cure on the horizon.

 

[glynis]

@Contrast,
You have a lot to deal with and l hope you get some support with your problems and I know tinnitus on top cuses most people full of unwanted emotions .
Over time and understanding tinnitus and getting an idea how your tinnitus journey is going and what your normal sound is like then you start not to notice it as much.
I know mild tinnitus can irritate people just as much as a sever one.
Keep pushing for support and counselling to help.
Love glynis

 

[Bill Bauer]

Now my dreams are killed and the only way I will realistically be happy

You might spontaneously recover from T. Many people do. For many (possibly the majority of) people, tinnitus fades and/or changes from a high pitch tone to hiss which is easier to bear. I am glad that you wrote that you will give it five years. I believe that in a year or two you will be feeling better.

Check out the thread below where I summarize everything (26 tips spread over five posts) I learned about managing tinnitus after reading the posts on this forum for the past 11 months
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...itus-recently-this-info-will-be-useful.25741/

 

[Contrast]

You might spontaneously recover from T. Many people do. For many (possibly the majority of) people, tinnitus fades and/or changes from a high pitch tone to hiss which is easier to bear. I am glad that you wrote that you will give it five years. I believe that in a year or two you will be feeling better.

Check out the thread below where I summarize everything (26 tips spread over five posts) I learned about managing tinnitus after reading the posts on this forum for the past 11 months
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...itus-recently-this-info-will-be-useful.25741/

I'll just have to wait and see. Thank you for the advice.

 

[Contrast]

@Contrast,
You have a lot to deal with and l hope you get some support with your problems and I know tinnitus on top cuses most people full of unwanted emotions .
Over time and understanding tinnitus and getting an idea how your tinnitus journey is going and what your normal sound is like then you start not to notice it as much.
I know mild tinnitus can irritate people just as much as a sever one.
Keep pushing for support and counselling to help.
Love glynis

Thank You I'm getting support and counseling. The high pitch drone that distorts noise is the biggest problem I still can't get use to that.

 

[Bobby B]

23 is very young you have good chances to get rid of T but give your ears a break for the next year or so

 

[Tempest]

The opening text could have easily been writen by me. We're on the same boat, my friend. I will give this a few years and in the mean time I'm gonna focus on sharing my valuable knowledge on certain subjects and do the other tiny stuff I've always wanted to do in life. Then, if a cure doesn't come around, I'm just gonna thank everybody for the wonderful years I managed to had, cash out peacefully and see what's on the other side.

This is not something that I say at the heat of the moment, I'm just being rational and done my cost-benefit analysis. I'm quite satisfied with my life accomplishments so far and left my mark already in this world. If I really have to live a life that's far far less enjoyable and not to the fullest potential at such a young age as me and for the next 50 years...yeah, no thank you.

 

[Luman]

There's an excellent chance that medical science will find a cure . Tinnitus has been around forever, I highly doubt that many people cashed in their chips over it in the not-so-distant past or before, and we can survive as well. I'd advise learning and practicing mindfulness, as much as possible, and trying every possible thing to distract yourself from the tinnitus. It can take years to accept and live with this, as some of our veteran members will attest to, but it can be done. Peace.

 

[anusha]

I'm quite satisfied with my life accomplishments so far and left my mark already in this world. If I really have to live a life that's far far less enjoyable and not to the fullest potential at such a young age as me and for the next 50 years...yeah, no thank you.

I feel like this sometimes when I can't bear my T. I love my sleep and I feel sleep deprived some days due to T.

before last week I thought I was getting better.... this week I have a spike of T and makes me go nuts. I just don't feel like talking to anybody and want to sink in. I feel like sleeping very badly today. I know such thoughts are not helpful but somedays I feel really positive and ambitious but days when I can't sleep because of T and feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel I am really down. Today is one such day. I really wanted to have a kid before T. Now I don't know I am at a point where handling my own T and life has become a huge responsibility. I am not sure if I will be able to go through pregnancy and raise a child with T.

Only thing that keeps me going is working. I love working and thats the only thing that distracts me. You need a lot of energy to be positive with T and a sane person. Sometimes I feel like am losing my mind the moment I go home and notice it much more. I am always making plans to distract and divert myself. Its like I have to become a really busy person to survive T. Life seems tiring. I am trying to read self improvement books, listen to videos, success stories, people who have habituation and leading normal life they are my inspiration. My mom is my inspiration but I can't tell this to my mom because she will start panicking if I share my fears. So, I talk to my best friend and husband when I am down with such thoughts. My husband is really helping me out in his best way possible.

I know you are studying and it could be hard to study take classses and concentrate. But hey have positive quotes written on post its and paste it on your walls. Before you feel down just like how I am feeling now treat yourself with some good time. Whatever is possible with T. It's hard to not let negative thoughts come with t but I know couple of people who survived 4th stage of cancer with their willpower (one celebrity lol and other person is my cousins friend). I feel bad to complain about T sometimes but I can understand what you are saying.

When I feel this bad this is what helps me:
I try to divert on doing something which distracts (work, watch netflix tv series, meet friends, board games, go to mall take starbucks coffee just sit...I can enjoy not listening to T)
When I am worried abt future having a family or how am I going to manage to have a family with T. I try to read success stories and find some hope.
CBT, mindfulness are starting points... Even I am reading and trying to practice.

I can't get over knowing how retarded my existence is. I can barely make it each day without multiple panic attacks, auditory hallucinations in my head, repetitive traumatic thoughts and deep regrets that trigger a chain reaction of painful emotions.

Once we start getting panic attacks or chain reaction of painful emotions like how I get too some days just feel sad for few hours and tell your mind stop just stop. You can stand infront of a mirror and do some self talk loudly. Believe me when you talk out more positive words come. (atleast for me mirror talk works when I need motivation)

Please take care.

 

[Landand]

I've always had the short end of the stick in life and now I will never have a moment of silence, or enjoy music or anything that makes life enjoyable again unless science has a breakthrough and I can afford it.

A lot of people have reported their T disappearing after a few months. It's entirely possible that it will just go away on it's own (as long as you don't continue to expose your ears to anything that could be harmful).

 

[Contrast]

ok i had to type this rant

I feel disconnected using Tinnitus Talk because my tinnitus in low noise environment is at times very quiet. Something many people on this forum would kill for! However put me in an environment with people, music, and anything social recreational and fun, at a "safe" decibel level and my tinnitus acts up.

The noise of a shower or fan creates a annoying high pitch droning noise. Certain voices cause my ear to chirp and the music that empowered me to kick bad habits and focus on the bigger picture in life and my dreams is RUINED. This in particular is traumatic for me.

I don't want to adapt to a horrible existence like this, I'd rather off myself before I "get use to it" because I'm rational enough to accept that the will to live is just a evolutionary advantage hard wired into our brains. It's totally reasonable to reject wanting to live once my existence is this miserable and hopeless.

I'm forcing myself to stay a live and be productive for the next five years in hopes that Frequency, Decibel or Affichem comes up with something to make everything feel better again.

Lol, I'm that delusional even if there is a bio tech company offering real cures in the near future for hearing loss and tinnitus/hyperacusis I sure as hell won't be able to afford it. I'm from the United States where Health care isn't a right and the science and education budget is neglected.

 

[Contrast]

Reactive Tinnitus is forcing me to live like a vegetable.

It made me it's bitch!

 

[Bill Bauer]

my tinnitus in low noise environment is at times very quiet. Something many people on this forum would kill for! However put me in an environment with people, music, and anything social recreational and fun

Either stay away from that environment, or wear hearing protection and stick to events with no music. Problem solved.

 

[Contrast]

Either stay away from that environment, or wear hearing protection and stick to events with no music. Problem solved.

Repair the auditory nerve and regrow cochlear hair cells

PROBLEM SOLVED.

I spent four (arguably five) years of my life as a loser introvert and finally decide to go back to school and get a life I was really excited that my life was finally starting to stop sucking. It's all fun and games until I get T/H and hearing loss all because of some mind garbage earrape meme ruining all everything special, my favorite music, sleep, panic attacks for two months straight.

Just as I was recovering from a really dark place in life and escaping depression I was shot down into a hell far worse then I ever imagined. I don't want time to heal this wounds because rationally even if it does the quality of my life will still be total shit. In the mean time yes I will protect my hearing as much as possible because I'm patiently waiting for a scientific breakthrough for everyone.

THE SAME MUSIC THAT MOTIVATED ME TO NOT BE A TOTAL FÜCKING LOSER AND MAKE GOOD CHOICES IN LIFE IS RUINED. I'M COMPLETELY LOST!

 

[Contrast]

It is true, the tinnitus makes the existence miserable, it puts us below the level of misery of a beggar, because all the tinnitus sufferers would give all their money to recover the peace. They would then be as poor as a beggar but in peace.

Being in nature was the one thing that ever made me truly happy and that was something money couldn't buy. The peaceful noise of birds chirping in the morning was beautiful, shame its distorted now

 

[Bill Bauer]

I spent four (arguably five) years of my life as a loser introvert

I used my gift of introversion to get a good career going, and now I am feeling sorry for loser extroverts who wasted their youth.

and finally decide to go back to school

I recommend that you (do what I did) and study whenever you are awake, while at school. Your life will suck, but the point is that it Won't suck after you graduate. Right now how you will spend the next 50 years of your life is being decided. If you do "social" things now, you will feel like a loser for the rest of your life. If you focus and use your time wisely, you will feel like a winner for the rest of your life.

I was shot down into a hell far worse then I ever imagined

The reason I made the post that made you upset, is that it sounds like you can easily avoid that hell (unlike most of us).

Being in nature was the one thing that ever made me truly happy and that was something money couldn't buy.

What are you talking about? If you have money, you will have more free time than those former extroverts and you can use that time doing things like wondering around national parks.

 

[1MW]

@Contrast very high frequency tinnitus fades with time is not serious you will be cured just protect your hearing

 

[Flamingo1]

@Contrast I've had noise induced tinnitus for a little over a year now. It has quieted down substantially. I still avoid loud noises but even healthy people should do that if they want to protect their ears. I noticed your negative posts in the research threads and now understand where you are coming from. I would say take care of your ears and move forward. The first year is the most difficult and during that time I experienced the very same emotions you are describing. I still have hope that science will come through for us. That's the only thing that has kept me going through the rough patches. (P.
S. I always thought you were female because of your avatar. Nice to meet you. )

 

[Nice]

I completely understand. I hope you feel better soon.✌

 

[Manny]

@Contrast I could have literally written so much of your original post. Not gonna write a lot right now but just gonna say the music thing absolutely kills me as well, as music has always been my absolute emotional everything and now it is screwed by hearing loss and tinnitus.

Another thing, although I may not post as much I definitely can compete with you in regards to being the most solution-driven man here. I'm struggling to survive solely in hope of a cure being discovered soon. Oh and I utterly despise funding TRT instead of bio-research. And I'm 24.
So we have a lot in common. That is all.

 

[dpdx]

@Contrast I could have literally written so much of your original post. Not gonna write a lot right now but just gonna say the music thing absolutely kills me as well, as music has always been my absolute emotional everything and now it is screwed by hearing loss and tinnitus.

Another thing, although I may not post as much I definitely can compete with you in regards to being the most solution-driven man here. I'm struggling to survive solely in hope of a cure being discovered soon. Oh and I utterly despise funding TRT instead of bio-research. And I'm 24.
So we have a lot in common. That is all.

I dont like therapies, we need a treatment. Cancer patients do not have mindfulness therapies but treatment. Tinnitus is pretty much like cancer, it is a serious disease.

 

[Contrast]

i have improved a lot since i made this post 5 months ago in hearing improve and tinnitus reduction, still the battle is not over.

When i made this thread i had bad hyperacusis, and my hearing was fucking garbage.

 

[Contrast]

this thread reminded me that back in late 2017-early 2018 i was depressed because I actually cared about my life.

once i stopped caring the shock went away.

 

[Contrast]

also i lied about my tinnitus being a one time thing. for about a full month i was voluntarily watching memes about ear piercing noises finding it super funny back in November. I never knew anything about the cochlea other then it being a weird snail thing inside the ear, I had no idea how precious and complicated hearing worked.

My hearing got gutted in a very short period of time obviously. I had no idea what was going on until about the third week when i noticed distortion in music and it wasn't until a few days later that I stopped when ear pain and permanent tinnitus made me finally realize something was wrong.

the first day itself of tinnitus and hyperacusis i was actually calm thinking it would go away, but when I realized it was not
that was immediately when I found this forum

Before that I never was kind to my ears and usually listened to loud music on mp3 players.
the fact that my hearing recovered to decent extent and tinnitus reduced is phenomenal

if only I could turn the hands of time I would not want to be here. I had MUCH BETTER THINGS GOING FOR ME 8 months ago. i lost my job, school, everything.

 

[Contrast]

now i care again and the alternative reality where i never made a stupid mistake is haunting me and rightfully so

 

[glynis]

@Contrast,
We carn't do anything for a cure only donate and Awareness and give support as a member .
Sometimes it's nice to step back and see what changes we can make so don't get in a rut and find something to focus on and that is a good thing and try not to dwell on the past and let the past go and a new start.
love glynis

 

[billie48]

@Contrast
Thanks for coming back to give us a positive update. Once again, it shows the importance of giving the body time to heal things up and rush into doing the unthinkable because the going was tough at the time. If you feel right at some point you may want to write a full success story if you keep on improving. Take good care. God bless.

 

[billie48]

it shows the importance of giving the body time to heal things up and rush into doing the unthinkable

Sorry typo error, should be 'It shows the importance of giving the body time to heal things up and NOT rush into doing the unthinkable."

 

[Tempest]

this thread reminded me that back in late 2017-early 2018 i was depressed because I actually cared about my life.

once i stopped caring the shock went away.

Yeah, I was the same way. The shock of losing your good life. You grief it, but there comes a point where you have shed every single tear there is and you realize that the life once had is just a distant memory now and it is not possible anymore, and objectively, life just sucks now.

 

[Dale W. Douthit]

This is my first time posting to this forum. I have been suffering from Tinnitus for many years. When I first noticed the noise, it was distant like it was coming from from outside. Over time it got louder and louder to the point where I could't sleep unless I took a sleeping aid, which for me was alcohol and or drugs. I went to a hearing specialist who told me there was nothing wrong with me. It was a perceived noise that I was hearing. I also suffer from major depression which I was treating the same way I did for sleeping. I can't remember now ever not hearing the noises going back to the early 2000's. Somehow I got it in my mind that the government was to blame for this and started to show some parrornoia resulting in getting some Psyco help due to a complete mental breakdown. I often fantisize about putting a Phillips head screwdriver in my right ear and banging my head into a wall. in June of 2015 I got sober and haven't had a drink or a drug since. My life has got much better however, the Tinnitus is just as bad , maybe worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been taking antidepressants and Trazanol to sleep at night. That is keeping me alive for the moment. The thoughts of the screwdriver have been returning, but jumping off a bridge would be just as effective.