Hey, I'm Back Unfortunately

[derpytia]

Had a panic attack today in class and had to leave. Why? In the middle of class my tinnitus just skyrocketed to the point where listening to the professor talk was painful. So I left and went to the bathroom to cry for a few hours. I have a new and super loud tinnitus tone.

I know I said I found a way to do music but I was wrong. Music was the cause of my tinnitus. Music was the culprit that slowly chipped away at my hearing over the years. So I have to stop. I have to quit music. I have to quit singing. I have to quit playing. I have to quit listening to it. Because it's just making it all worse. I have to give up driving. I have to give up walking the street. I have to quit hanging out with friends because talking to them for over 15 minutes makes it worse. I was not too worried before because my T is sound reactive and daily spikes always went back down. Not this time. My worst nightmare came true. One bout of fleeting T became permanent.

So again... back to square one. Back to depression. Back to anxiety. One year anniversary of my T and it gets worse. Fitting.

 

[LeQuack]

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I'm in the same boat where things just seem to go wrong no matter how hard you try.

 

[Vincent R]

So sorry to hear all this, Derpytia. Well, for what it's worth there will be a bunch of us struggling here with you.

 

[Karl28]

It sounds to me that working with / studying music is just adding fuel to the fire and making your tinnitus worse

 

[500_miles]

I'm awfully sorry to read this... I can't offer any advice as I'm in the same boat with reactive t but there must be a way for you not to give up your education, dreams and career! Music was a passion of mine but seems to be your life!

 

[billie48]

Sorry to hear about that. This may be just a new spike which can settle back to baseline after some time. Dr. Nagler had a spike a month or so ago. I who Love Music had the same thing for a time. Me, ya, my T spiked for whole a month in Nov, 2014 after a panic attack. T can do this kind of thing to us, as if it is just telling us it is around. But most of the time, if we stay calm and keep doing what we do, T spike can go back to baseline after some time. Don't assume such insane ringing level will stay forever. Try to accept the 'new normal' and move on. If you have reactive T, then most likely some form of H is still sneaking around behind T.

 

[Xorthian]

If you want then just in case take corticosteroids and nac for couple of days. From what people gathered there is 48-72 hours window after tinnitus spike (if you fear this is permanent sort of spike instead of usual kind that tries to grind you down and then goes to baseline).

Worst case scenario - you take some meds and nothing happens (and I'm a moron for suggesting this).
Best case scenario - it goes down and it doesnt permanently increase.


I have no idea how I would deal with your situation (to keep pursuing dreams and risk damage in future or to give up on it just to be safe). Obviously its often suggested to not care and just do what you want by mental health specialists. More pragmatic people will however tell you to just stop and find something else to not kill your health in the process. In the end it all comes down to you. There are people that enjoy basejumping (jumping from cliffs and skyscrappers with chutes or wingsuits) - its dangerous hobby that kills a lot of people yet they wont give up. Same goes with people training martial arts or any fighting style - permanent injuries arent so uncommon. Even simple sitting down and working at desk can kill you slowly (I have major problems at age 27 with my lower and middle back).

It will sound harsh but life is about "picking your poison" and enjoying it.

 

[Lisa123]

I wouldn't give up music, going out with friends, walking the street, going to classes. I did back in September until January. I had to be taken into the psych ward. I had fallen into and utterly life-destroying depression. I stopped doing everything I loved and my whole world revolved around T. I would just lay in my bed all day and cry my heart out. But things got better. After getting some therapy and meds, I tackled life again. I went back to class, started going out again (with earplugs), hanging out with friends again, at this moment I'm even listening music through headphones while preparing for finals. And I'm much better than I was 10 months ago. I'm still not a 100%, but I'm getting there. If you drop everything you love, if you drop your entire life for T than you can forget about habituation. Habituation is all about living alongside your T without much suffering. But if you're not living at all you will not habituate. I know it's hard. But believe me, pick up your life again! You can at least try Good luck!

 

[Lisa123]

Are you on any meds for your panic attacks? if not, you should really try some! They helped me a lot. I'm still on them. They don't make me magically forget about T, but they do help me stay in control. Not getting any panic attacks and such. Haven't had one anymore in 3 months

 

[Xorthian]

Are you on any meds for your panic attacks? if not, you should really try some! They helped me a lot. I'm still on them. They don't make me magically forget about T, but they do help me stay in control. Not getting any panic attacks and such. Haven't had one anymore in 3 months

Carefull with that, benzos can mess up with T badly when you take them off too fast or at all in some cases.

 

[Lisa123]

Carefull with that, benzos can mess up with T badly when you take them off too fast or at all in some cases.

I'm not on any benzos. I'm on anti depressants and calming meds. They don't make me dull or tired. I did use some benzos when I was in the psych ward but I wasn't taking a high dose so I was completely fine when I tapered off. I get the general caution with benzos on this forum. But I'm really starting to get fed up with all the panic surrounding them. They aren't the meds from hell as everyone tries to make them out to be. If you need them then you need them. Period. (I agree that they aren't a permanent solution to T, and you should also use them considerately). If you take really high doses and quit cold turkey then you're asking for trouble. But if you follow your doctors orders than you'll be just fine.

 

[Street Spirit]

I'm not on any benzos. I'm on anti depressants and calming meds. They don't make me dull or tired. I did use some benzos when I was in the psych ward but I wasn't taking a high dose so I was completely fine when I tapered off. I get the general caution with benzos on this forum. But I'm really starting to get fed up with all the panic surrounding them. They aren't the meds from hell as everyone tries to make them out to be. If you need them then you need them. Period. (I agree that they aren't a permanent solution to T, and you should also use them considerately). If you take really high doses and quit cold turkey then you're asking for trouble. But if you follow your doctors orders than you'll be just fine.

Every T forum I have belonged to, benzos are of the devil. Yea, it gets annoying especially when members say " yea clonazepam made me worse when I came off" and don't elaborate whatsoever of they cold turkeyed or whatever. .

 

[Xorthian]

Every T forum I have belonged to, benzos are of the devil. Yea, it gets annoying especially when members say " yea clonazepam made me worse when I came off" and don't elaborate whatsoever of they cold turkeyed or whatever. .

Same goes for drugs that have possible ototoxic reactions.
It would be great if people reported how their kidneys and liver perform when antibiotic damaged their hearing.

Personally I just mentioned this because sometimes people run into bad doctors that will prescribe hardcore benzo and then they dont taper it off properly.

I don't really want to make some conflict in someones very personal thread about very real suffering they are going through. I hope @derpytia will manage to pick up herself up from this life shattering event without going for synthetic sedatives.

 

[Street Spirit]

Same goes for drugs that have possible ototoxic reactions.
It would be great if people reported how their kidneys and liver perform when antibiotic damaged their hearing.

Personally I just mentioned this because sometimes people run into bad doctors that will prescribe hardcore benzo and then they dont taper it off properly.

Yea..I've heard and seen it all..I am on 2mg of Clonazepam and just looking for support on tapering without worsening..Oh well, who really knows right? It's all so individual. but I have noticed a trend between long term clonazepam usage and worsening T..that is for sure ..but again individual.

 

[Lisa123]

" yea clonazepam made me worse when I came off"

Clonazepam helped me get a better grip over myself. It even made me believe in habituation more. Giving me hope when there was none. Clonazepam does a funny thing. It actually makes your autonomic nervous system ánd your limbic system calm down. Which is what TRT is all about. So what was the effect of Clonazepam you might ask. My T diminished to a barely audible nuisance! Of course taking Clonazepam for the rest of my life wasn't an option (It's still a highly potent drug that can damage your health in the long-term). I also had trouble with the side effects (being very sleepy and having a slight tremble in my hands making it difficult for me to write). Eventually I decided to taper off because I wanted to reach habituation by myself. But clonazepam gave me some room to breathe in my dark days. It gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. You could even call it a preview of what habituation will be like. And I liked that idea. It gave me enough hope and courage to keep fighting this beast everyday and keep my head up until I'm habituated.

 

[billie48]

Using of meds like benzos should be the last resort. But I agree it is a highly individual thing, and people should take it and taper it off under the supervision of doctor. If you really can't function any more, and meds are the only options, why not? I took Ativan and Prozac daily for at least 6 months during T & H attack and phased them off slowly without any trouble. But they saved my life during the darkest time because, being a victim suffering from anxiety & panic disorders for decades prior to T & H, these two new tyrants of my life just triggered relentless anxiety and panic attacks on auto mode the moment I woke up hearing T screaming. No amount of will power could stop the chained reaction and the only option was to use meds to moderate and smooth out the sharp edges of emotional sufferings. Ya, sleeping pills to help me sleep too. What else is new for folks with severely intrusive T & H for the first time? If you have better choice and the stamina to handle your situation w/o meds, then all the power to you. Don't go for meds. Otherwise, there is no shame or guilt that you need to use these stuffs at the darkest time. You just need to use meds responsibly and follow the instructions under medical supervision.

 

[Telis]

Every T forum I have belonged to, benzos are of the devil. Yea, it gets annoying especially when members say " yea clonazepam made me worse when I came off" and don't elaborate whatsoever of they cold turkeyed or whatever. .

I went cold turkey off of adivan and my T exploded...oops. I also went too fast with effexor and ended up with worse T and detrimental H. In that same time frame I also exposed myself to loud pubs which also made things worse. This was before I was on here and didn't know what I was doing. I was never told by any doctor I would have to taper off these drugs. I was told effexor was not addictive at all. Same with the sleeping pills I was put on (Zoplicone). I was told this was not addictive in any way by a couple of doctors. I should have been here takijg advise rather than listening to my doctors. I was on all these drugs for T and things went 10x worse however this is probably my fault for not doing my own research. I wish I didn't take any med as they really just made things way worse but that's just my experience. I thought I had T and that was it, T was just T, I had no idea I could make it so much worse. Wish I had joined here at onset, I didn't make it here until 6 months after, i could have saved myself some serious mistakes.

 

[RB2014]

I have learned to just accept it no matter how loud or soft it is. I just try not to show emotion anymore and that seems to help. We are all fighting with you.

 

[Street Spirit]

I went cold turkey off of adivan and my T exploded...oops. I also went too fast with effexor and ended up with worse T and detrimental H. In that same time frame I also exposed myself to loud pubs which also made things worse. This was before I was on here and didn't know what I was doing. I was never told by any doctor I would have to taper off these drugs. I was told effexor was not addictive at all. Same with the sleeping pills I was put on (Zoplicone). I was told this was not addictive in any way by a couple of doctors. I should have been here takijg advise rather than listening to my doctors. I was on all these drugs for T and things went 10x worse however this is probably my fault for not doing my own research. I wish I didn't take any med as they really just made things way worse but that's just my experience. I thought I had T and that was it, T was just T, I had no idea I could make it so much worse. Wish I had joined here at onset, I didn't make it here until 6 months after, i could have saved myself some serious mistakes.

Thanks for elaborating. You had some really bad docs...ativan is imo a terrible benzo and gave me.temp h in the past...zops is addictive within 10 days I believe and effexor Ive readis a" lifer med" very hard to come off..my doc won't even prescribe it.

anyways can't change the past, just hope you recover!

I am very slowly tapering..I don't know what else to do. .what will be, will be I guess.

 

[I who love music]

I don't dare sing more than 2 songs. No electric music. No horns. And no drums. But I've still got my nylon and gut stringed instruments, although sometimes they're too much. You're right, music is the culprit... but darn it... I love music.

 

[quietatnight]

@derpytia

I'm so sorry to hear that you having this spike, you will probably go back to your base line in time. I know how you feel about music, but you may need to pick a new direction, I was right where you are a long time ago. I used to play in a band years ago and I had to decide at one point if I wanted to keep playing, or mess up my hearing, I just stopped playing and found a new career. Their was no other way. And to this day I feel like I made the right decision. You don't have to stop walking and all of those other things, but music is different. I know that it sucks but you may want to think about it. You will find new things to enjoy. I don't know what instruments you play, but if their amplified maybe you can go acoustic. That's what I did. I even have a piano that is very quiet and I can play that. I can't plug it into an amp but I can still play it, same thing with my guitar. I just don't use the electric anymore I just play the acoustic and its fine. I don't know what to say about you being able to sing. But one thing for sure you WILL get through this please give it some time and try and stay calm. You will come up with new dreams


Good Luck, You will be in my thoughts, I understand your pain, I truly do.


Louie

 

[LillianLexicon97]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2987344/My-tinnitus-bad-click-light-switch-agony.html
I thought you might find this interesting. Paul Gray has horrific T/H and is still able to play his instrument an hour a day with ear plugs in. He occasionally plays with a band even. He isn't a musician anymore really, but he isn't completely retired.

 

[Mark H]

Derpytia, it very very likely will get easier to live with over time ...this does seem to be a recurring theme and I am living proof but had some bad luck unfortunately. So hang in there because sometimes the simplest thing can make your day and it really does help to know we are not alone in our struggle. We need peeps..birds of a feather. My coffee was so damn good this morning, I didn't think about suicide...ha ha but its true. The ocean smelled so great and sounded so nice I forgot my misery and remembered I am not alone.