Hi everyone,
Yu can call me Angelg and I have been suffering from severe tinnitus for six years. I'm currently 33 years old.
For all this time I have avoided reading about this condition, as looking for medical stuff in internet usually makes me more anxious and makes me panic a bit. However, I have been encouraged by my brother to talk about it with other people who, like me, must face this challenge day after day. He says it may make me feel better.
Is gonna be hard to tell my story as it is something I do not like to remember, it makes me feel guilty and stupid, and the fact my life could have been totally different if I hadn't made these mistakes tortures me day after day. I apologize in advance if I sound self-indulgent, it's not my intention, I will try to be as objective as I can.
It all started when I was 15 years old. It was a random summer night, in a nice beach in the west coast of Spain (Europe). I was hanging out with a few friends, and one of them had brought some firecrackers with him. He lighted one of those and tried to throw it away so that we could see the light effect form a safe distance. However, the firecracker bounce with the corner of a wall and landed just at my side, and exploded in a total mercilessly way. I will never forget that day, that moment.
I was totally deaf for 30 minutes, only hearing a light wistle. I gradually began to recover my hearing, but the tinnitus never went away. It was a very light tinnitus though, it was never a problem for me, I got used to it without much difficulties. However, life hadn't given me his best shot and all of this changed after 12 years.
When I was 27 years old, suddenly and without warning, the tinnitus worsened…a lot, as if someone had decided to turn up the volume of it without asking me. You may think it's not my fault, but it is.
The truth is I loved (and still like it) music, I have always love it. I have been playing piano since I was child, I used to hear a lot of music with headphones and partied hard in clubs where the music was very high through all of my youth. This kind of habits may not have consequences for someone with healthy not damaged hearing, but in my case, that firecracker had already put some pressure in my ears. I should have been more careful, I should have changed my attitude since that day, I should have thought more about my habits. The fact I was young and unexperienced is not an excuse. I got what I deserved.
No need to tell how difficult it was to accept it, one second you are one person with a beautiful live and the next moment, all of that is taken away from you. No warning, no mercy, no second opportunities.
For the last six years I have become a totally different person and my life has changed subsequently:
- I feel constantly exhausted, it seems this daily challenge drains all of my energies, as the wistle never stops, never at all, it's a like a battle arena which I can never quit. I work, play games and sleep (I do not sleep very well either), that's all I do. No energies left for social life, new learnings or adventures.
- I'm also constantly sad (not depressed). A loud wistle in your ears second after second is a bit too much. Any of the apparently good things that had happened in my life in these six years have been able to make me forget this. The tinnitus is like a long thick curtain that covers everything. All the helpful hands or good things that try to make through it are quickly drown by its weight.
- My view of life and philosophy has changed. I'm far more negative. I have decided not to have children, as I do not see life as a gift but rather as a battle. I do not want a mini Angelg to have to suffer in a similar intensity as I do. I do not last long with any girl neither, sooner or later, when a major effort is required to make the relationship progress I feel exhausted, I just can give more, I can't.
- I have some suicidal thoughts. I'm not gonna do it, don't worry, but thinking about it makes me feel better, makes me feel like I have the control over my life again. The fact there is an end to this, is one of the few comforting thoughts. The first year of my tinnitus I used to take a small scalpel with me everywhere, it made me feel like I could ended it whenever I wanted, like I had the control again and was the lord of my own life, like in the past.
- I have lost the capacity to be happy. If happiness could be measured from 1 to 10, I could fairly say I have had a lot of 10/10 happiness moments before I was 27 years old. After that, not a single one, I don't think it has even surpassed a 6/10.
- I have become more introvert, a loner. I guess it's a mixture of exhaustion, negavity and that I have come to terms with the fact that anything will make it disappear, so why bothering making other stuff, already try it. I don't much stuff in my life because I know anything will bring my true, past self back.
People tend to say a cure is near, but I don't think so. They have been saying the same for other conditions like AIDS, medular injuries, sclerosis, Alzheimer, etc but the truth is people are not able to walk or eradicate this currently. Maybe in a few centuries, but definitely not now.
I wish I could write a letter to my "my dear fifteen years old me" and tell him to be cautious with his hearing, to protect like a small, helpless puppy, but like I said before not second chances are given in this limbo we call life.
Yu can call me Angelg and I have been suffering from severe tinnitus for six years. I'm currently 33 years old.
For all this time I have avoided reading about this condition, as looking for medical stuff in internet usually makes me more anxious and makes me panic a bit. However, I have been encouraged by my brother to talk about it with other people who, like me, must face this challenge day after day. He says it may make me feel better.
Is gonna be hard to tell my story as it is something I do not like to remember, it makes me feel guilty and stupid, and the fact my life could have been totally different if I hadn't made these mistakes tortures me day after day. I apologize in advance if I sound self-indulgent, it's not my intention, I will try to be as objective as I can.
It all started when I was 15 years old. It was a random summer night, in a nice beach in the west coast of Spain (Europe). I was hanging out with a few friends, and one of them had brought some firecrackers with him. He lighted one of those and tried to throw it away so that we could see the light effect form a safe distance. However, the firecracker bounce with the corner of a wall and landed just at my side, and exploded in a total mercilessly way. I will never forget that day, that moment.
I was totally deaf for 30 minutes, only hearing a light wistle. I gradually began to recover my hearing, but the tinnitus never went away. It was a very light tinnitus though, it was never a problem for me, I got used to it without much difficulties. However, life hadn't given me his best shot and all of this changed after 12 years.
When I was 27 years old, suddenly and without warning, the tinnitus worsened…a lot, as if someone had decided to turn up the volume of it without asking me. You may think it's not my fault, but it is.
The truth is I loved (and still like it) music, I have always love it. I have been playing piano since I was child, I used to hear a lot of music with headphones and partied hard in clubs where the music was very high through all of my youth. This kind of habits may not have consequences for someone with healthy not damaged hearing, but in my case, that firecracker had already put some pressure in my ears. I should have been more careful, I should have changed my attitude since that day, I should have thought more about my habits. The fact I was young and unexperienced is not an excuse. I got what I deserved.
No need to tell how difficult it was to accept it, one second you are one person with a beautiful live and the next moment, all of that is taken away from you. No warning, no mercy, no second opportunities.
For the last six years I have become a totally different person and my life has changed subsequently:
- I feel constantly exhausted, it seems this daily challenge drains all of my energies, as the wistle never stops, never at all, it's a like a battle arena which I can never quit. I work, play games and sleep (I do not sleep very well either), that's all I do. No energies left for social life, new learnings or adventures.
- I'm also constantly sad (not depressed). A loud wistle in your ears second after second is a bit too much. Any of the apparently good things that had happened in my life in these six years have been able to make me forget this. The tinnitus is like a long thick curtain that covers everything. All the helpful hands or good things that try to make through it are quickly drown by its weight.
- My view of life and philosophy has changed. I'm far more negative. I have decided not to have children, as I do not see life as a gift but rather as a battle. I do not want a mini Angelg to have to suffer in a similar intensity as I do. I do not last long with any girl neither, sooner or later, when a major effort is required to make the relationship progress I feel exhausted, I just can give more, I can't.
- I have some suicidal thoughts. I'm not gonna do it, don't worry, but thinking about it makes me feel better, makes me feel like I have the control over my life again. The fact there is an end to this, is one of the few comforting thoughts. The first year of my tinnitus I used to take a small scalpel with me everywhere, it made me feel like I could ended it whenever I wanted, like I had the control again and was the lord of my own life, like in the past.
- I have lost the capacity to be happy. If happiness could be measured from 1 to 10, I could fairly say I have had a lot of 10/10 happiness moments before I was 27 years old. After that, not a single one, I don't think it has even surpassed a 6/10.
- I have become more introvert, a loner. I guess it's a mixture of exhaustion, negavity and that I have come to terms with the fact that anything will make it disappear, so why bothering making other stuff, already try it. I don't much stuff in my life because I know anything will bring my true, past self back.
People tend to say a cure is near, but I don't think so. They have been saying the same for other conditions like AIDS, medular injuries, sclerosis, Alzheimer, etc but the truth is people are not able to walk or eradicate this currently. Maybe in a few centuries, but definitely not now.
I wish I could write a letter to my "my dear fifteen years old me" and tell him to be cautious with his hearing, to protect like a small, helpless puppy, but like I said before not second chances are given in this limbo we call life.
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