How Do I Explain It to Her?

[Amelia]

My sister is very outgoing, loves concerts, shows, movies, visiting bars/clubs etc, and I'm quite the opposite, and since T, I don't think I've been to a movie or been out to a loud bar since.

My T can be reactive sometimes - even if it's just a family dinner with lots of talking/laughing but a little noiser than usual, I find a low generator noise joins in my T for a few days, it vibrates my head and makes me feel physically sick. This is my scary sound.

So since T onset she has invited me to a few things which I've declined and I feel like she is becoming offended and thinking I'm using T as an excuse and not wanting to do things with her. Last time I mentioned my t she scoffed at me and reminded me that it doesn't stop my dad (who has T about 50 times worse than me)

Last night she invited me to see a stage show that I would really like to see, but I'm just too scared that it will aggravate my T, even with wearing my plugs.

How do I explain to her without giving her room to try and rebut any answer I give? (she should be a lawyer as she always seems to have an answer)

Thanks t family xxx

 

[Ken219]

@Amelia I suggest you go. Wear ear plugs and smile. I don't do it often but once in awhile I will see a show with my wife. I put in ear plugs and miss a lot of the dialog. I love sitting next to her.

 

[kevin b]

I think, and I could be wrong, but did you like to do these things before you got T? If so. and I have guilty of this myself, you are not getting on with your life. Granted you must be careful, and I am certailnly not judging you because my T does no react like yours, but maybe trying to meet halfway with her and go to a movie or a reasonably "quieter" event you can start off. I went to see a band a few weeks ago, I probably should have worn ear plugs, but I actually had a good time.

 

[Amelia]

Thanks @Ken219 - not like I couldn't leave if it was way too noise right?

And @kevin b - you are very right. I'm not getting on with my life ... Sometimes I can feel quite paralysed by my fear of "what if my T gets worse"

 

[linearb]

If your sister was trying to get you to go to Skrillex concerts or something I might have a different opinion, but if you're talking about plays and basic activities I guess I am concerned that you're letting your tinnitus run your life in a way that is just making you pay more attention to it.

When my ringing was really driving me up the wall I would often attribute spikes to normal noise levels, but in hindsight I think more of the problem was just being locked in a state of hyper-reactive fight-or-flight.

Things which do not cause damaging levels of noise exposure, will not cause hearing damage, and so will not provide any new mechanical/damage basis for worse T.

I use basic sanity towards not wanting to make my T worse: I wear earplugs at bars, concerts, on a motorcycle or even at movies sometimes. I do tend to avoid activities which are unreasonably loud (firearms, certain kinds of concerts). Other than that, I try not to let my T affect my day-to-day decisions, because I've found that doing so just makes me obsess over it / listen for it more.

Put another way, I'm not at all confident that going to a play with earplugs in can have any long-term effect on my tinnitus, but I am very confident that the simple act of thinking about my tinnitus more than I need to makes it worse. That is true of my tinnitus, you may have a different experience, of course!

 

[kevin b]

I understand how you feel 100%, in my opinion it is natural for us to feel that way. For what I have seen on this site my pulsating T is not nearly as bad as most, but due to my history of depression and anxiety it got me good. Alittle over a year into it now I have tried to force myself to go out and do things I enjoyed and after words I feel much better that I did. I can only imagine how hard it is for you because your T reacts to sound. I guess baby steps is the best path for you to start on, but it seems all those on the raod to recovery get back to living!
All the best and God Bless,
Kevin
P.S. I wish I was in Australia , it is frezzing here in NY!

 

[valeri]

Find some tinnitus sounds, some earplugs and get her to listen to it for a day or two.
That may fix the problem!

BTW it's not just your sister, no one can really understand the turmoil we go through

 

[linearb]

Thanks @Ken219 - not like I couldn't leave if it was way too noise right?

And @kevin b - you are very right. I'm not getting on with my life ... Sometimes I can feel quite paralysed by my fear of "what if my T gets worse"

I think this kind of anxious thinking may not actually have much to do with tinnitus? That is, tinnitus is unpleasant, so I think that thoughts like "ahh, this noise is loud and I don't like it!" have much to do with tinnitus itself -- but anxious fear of it getting worse makes me think of thoughts like:
* what if I get cancer?
* what if I get alzheimers?
* what if my arthritis gets so bad that I can't walk?

These are all very "valid" fears, but, so what? Something bad is going to happen to you. You're going to get sick, you're going to die, that's a tautology. It's useful to be pragmatic and make good decisions, but it's not useful to worry so much that you just make yourself anxious. I'd say that for me, it's pragmatic to think "I don't want my hearing to get damaged, so I'm going to carry earplugs, and not spend a lot of time shooting guns". It's uselessly anxious for me to start thinking things like "I don't want my tinnitus to get worse, so I am going to avoid routine day-to-day activities that can't actually hurt my hearing".

Everything you're saying here sounds like it's being written from a place of very high anxiety. I really think that if you can get your anxiety under control, everything else will take care of itself.

 

[Amelia]

You guys are amazing! @linearb - it's a rock musical, so I'm guessing louder than a play, but still probably not as loud as a concert. But I liked a lot of what you said, it really resonated with me especially the part about damaging noise levels

And thank you @kevin b I do need to get back out there. And as for you being cold - here we are sweating! The last few days have been quite hot and I've been very thankful for our air conditioner!

 

[I who love music]

IMO
It would be okay to go if you could say that any increase in T is worth going for.
I say this because your T sounds worse than mine and I wouldn't be caught dead in a bar or play or anywhere there's gonna be loud bass sounds. Bass sounds do not care if you are wearing earplugs. Bass frequencies are supposed to be heard primarily by bone conduction. That's how our skulls and ears are built.
I have T thanks to loud bass, so I know.
Now it someone said to me, come on to the concert, they're giving away a million dollars to the first 300 hundred people, then it MIGHT be worth going, but I'd still be apprehensive. But to go in the face of danger and risk increasing my T.... well I guess I DID do that... years ago. And here I am.
And I'm not talking super loud rock concerts, but my kids' talent shows, band concerts, church services etc....
Sometimes throwing caution to the wind is just that.

 

[Telis]

I would say if you don't enjoy it and your T bothers you don't go. Why sit there and put yourself through it if you don't really want to. Also, if you feel like you are risking your health...well maybe you are. There is no proof that damaged ears can handle what that of a healthy auditory system can. Or, on the other hand, if you really want to go and are confident there will be no concequeces or that the concequeces are worth it, then go. I would not let your sister or anyone else pressure you, ONLY YOU know what's right for you. If she doesn't like you making desisions based or your own health and well being then too bad for her. I'm sure she does what's in her own best interest by the sounds of it. I wouldn't feel bad about doing what you feel is right for you.

 

[linearb]

"rock musical" does indeed sound like it might be louder than what I was thinking, so I guess you just have to make the best decision you can.

 

[Sean]

Amelia ..I woud not take any chances . if you get spike for few months only YOU have to suffer and no one else .
I would just " I can't take any chance with tinnitus because it causes lot of torture and pain " ..just say no ..not worth it ..IMHO .

 

[erik]

Go to the concert/show. You don't need to explain your T in detail. The way I explain it when I go out with people and need to use plugs, I just say I have sensitive ears (to loud noise) and leave it at that. In almost every case, no one takes it any further than that.

Getting out will be good for you. Over time it will go a long way into helping you with your T anxiety. I go to movies. I go out. Sometimes I get spikes and sometimes I don't. They always go away regardless and I know that.

You may feel anxious during the event, but I think you will feel good that you went afterwards. It will help to give you confidence and with the ear plugs in your pocket, you have protection just in case. Go to a show and/or go to a movie. It may be difficult the first few times but it gets better and after a while you will look back and say, it wasn't that bad.

 

[marqualler]

Go to the concert/show. You don't need to explain your T in detail. The way I explain it when I go out with people and need to use plugs, I just say I have sensitive ears (to loud noise) and leave it at that. In almost every case, no one takes it any further than that.

Getting out will be good for you. Over time it will go a long way into helping you with your T anxiety. I go to movies. I go out. Sometimes I get spikes and sometimes I don't. They always go away regardless and I know that.

You may feel anxious during the event, but I think you will feel good that you went afterwards. It will help to give you confidence and with the ear plugs in your pocket, you have protection just in case. Go to a show and/or go to a movie. It may be difficult the first few times but it gets better and after a while you will look back and say, it wasn't that bad.

Totally agree with this take--going and doing things (with protection) has helped me feel better mentally tremendously. I went to a basketball game a couple weeks ago with earplugs in my back pocket and was terrified going in, and left feeling great. (The earplugs came in handy as well.) I have also found that if I do get spikes, I don't notice them too much in the moment because I am having fun and I return to my baseline the next day.

 

[Amelia]

UPDATE - I'm going (it's not for a few months tho). Honestly, if I'm ever going to get over my T and start living again which I want to do more than anything, then I need to balls up and take a chance - obviously within reason.
I'm going to wear my plugs and make it known to my sister that if it gets too loud I'll be leaving.

I don't even care if I slip on a pair of earmuffs during the song parts too. It will be dark in the theatre, lol

I'll also be calling the venue and asking about the quietest seats furthest away from the speakers/live band and booking those

 

[LadyDi]

I am so GLAD you are going, @Amelia. I think you are going to feel so empowered afterwards. You need to reclaim your life and move beyond fear. I would opt on the side of assuming this is exactly what your sister, who loves you, is trying to help you do.

As you already have realized, you have options: take plugs and ear muffs, get a seat that's not too close. And if its really bothering you, you can leave. BTW: When I go to shows, and I do all the time, I put muffs on over my plugs. As you said, it will be dark. And maybe others will think you are making a new fashion statement!

Go and have fun with your sis. Hugs.

 

[Amelia]

UPDATE - guess I didn't need to worry about this at all. It's been cancelled.

I have been struggling with T in the last few weeks, and I ended up contacting the venue to see if they could tell me where speakers were placed, where the quieter areas of the theatre were and whether they had noise restrictions (so I could get a bit of an idea of the possible noise level) ... It wasn't a very successful conversation. No noise level restrictions, and he could only say "don't sit too close to the front", but couldn't tell me where the speakers in the walls/roof were if any.

So I texted my sister, explained that I was having a spike, and that when she booked tickets could she try and book away from the stage near an exit so if it got too loud I could leave. I told her that I'd bring my earplugs and possibly some muffs too.

I got a text back saying not to worry about it, she would find a friend to go with instead.

Can't tell you guys how disappointed in her response was just proves once again that she has no interest in even trying to understand

 

[SoulStation]

UPDATE - guess I didn't need to worry about this at all. It's been cancelled.

I have been struggling with T in the last few weeks, and I ended up contacting the venue to see if they could tell me where speakers were placed, where the quieter areas of the theatre were and whether they had noise restrictions (so I could get a bit of an idea of the possible noise level) ... It wasn't a very successful conversation. No noise level restrictions, and he could only say "don't sit too close to the front", but couldn't tell me where the speakers in the walls/roof were if any.

So I texted my sister, explained that I was having a spike, and that when she booked tickets could she try and book away from the stage near an exit so if it got too loud I could leave. I told her that I'd bring my earplugs and possibly some muffs too.

I got a text back saying not to worry about it, she would find a friend to go with instead.

Can't tell you guys how disappointed in her response was just proves once again that she has no interest in even trying to understand

Don't worry. Just take the initiative and invite her to another sound event which shows you're willing to put yourself out there.