- Jun 22, 2017
- 89
- Tinnitus Since
- 06/2017
- Cause of Tinnitus
- 25-30 minutes of first ever concert
I'm struggling with my 6 weeks old tinnitus.
Unlike many tinnitus here, it seems to follow a pretty standard pattern.
The more sounds I'm exposed to during the day, the louder it gets. Doesn't matter how loud the sound is, a day with a very low PC-fan wearing earplug and T will eventually scream at the end of the day.
At the opposite, if I manage to stay over a day in almost complete silence (avoiding all sounds for a day then sleeping in silence), I reach a T level so low it's hard to find in silence in the morning.
On the other end, if it's raining during the night and rain falls on the window all night, T is screaming in the morning.
I don't know how to deal with that, I am becoming scared of anything involving sounds.
If I watch a movie with low sound, T increases, if I take a shower, T increases, if i brush my tooth, T increases, if i speak to people, T increases, if i drive my car, T increases, if I'm in a place with ventilation, T increases, if I'm outside in the wind, T increases. Masking it increases it as well.
Yesterday, i went from almost silent T in the morning to a T level that was as loud as people talking in the late afternoon, without leaving the house (a new record).
It was slowly going down this morning but it started raining outside so it's going back up again. Rain, I'm to the point I fear rain...
I'm terrified because there doesn't seem to be a limit to how high it can get. Each time it gets louder to a new high, I'm scared it won't get down this time.
I'm not able to restart my life, I'm trying but every single time I do something normal i used to do, T gets so high I have a panic attack and have to take benzos.
If that reactiveness doesn't stop eventually, i don't know how I'll ever be able to leave my home again. I feel like a complete prisoner right now.
So far, the only exit is benzo, not much of an option with the long terms side effects. But benzo give me silence and make me normal again for 8 hours each time.
I already made a deal with myself to wait a year and see if it heals. But so far, it's no going in the right
direction.
Three weeks ago, I could drive my car without an effect on T, no longer.
Two weeks ago, I could take a shower without an effect on T, no longer.
A week ago, I could brush my teeth without an effect on T, no longer.
The way it's going, soon enough, even walking will have an effect on T.
The thought of just taking benzo everyday and slowly up the dose as tolerance build up is more and more often in my mind.
Funny, at 28, I thought 2 month agos that life was forever. I feel right now that signing up for a single year of normal life (or maybe more if I'm lucky) until a benzo overdose is not such a bad deal.
Dying at 30 after a final, meaningful year where I'd do everything I ever wanted to do seems way better than 50 years of that hell if things do not get better.
Unlike many tinnitus here, it seems to follow a pretty standard pattern.
The more sounds I'm exposed to during the day, the louder it gets. Doesn't matter how loud the sound is, a day with a very low PC-fan wearing earplug and T will eventually scream at the end of the day.
At the opposite, if I manage to stay over a day in almost complete silence (avoiding all sounds for a day then sleeping in silence), I reach a T level so low it's hard to find in silence in the morning.
On the other end, if it's raining during the night and rain falls on the window all night, T is screaming in the morning.
I don't know how to deal with that, I am becoming scared of anything involving sounds.
If I watch a movie with low sound, T increases, if I take a shower, T increases, if i brush my tooth, T increases, if i speak to people, T increases, if i drive my car, T increases, if I'm in a place with ventilation, T increases, if I'm outside in the wind, T increases. Masking it increases it as well.
Yesterday, i went from almost silent T in the morning to a T level that was as loud as people talking in the late afternoon, without leaving the house (a new record).
It was slowly going down this morning but it started raining outside so it's going back up again. Rain, I'm to the point I fear rain...
I'm terrified because there doesn't seem to be a limit to how high it can get. Each time it gets louder to a new high, I'm scared it won't get down this time.
I'm not able to restart my life, I'm trying but every single time I do something normal i used to do, T gets so high I have a panic attack and have to take benzos.
If that reactiveness doesn't stop eventually, i don't know how I'll ever be able to leave my home again. I feel like a complete prisoner right now.
So far, the only exit is benzo, not much of an option with the long terms side effects. But benzo give me silence and make me normal again for 8 hours each time.
I already made a deal with myself to wait a year and see if it heals. But so far, it's no going in the right
direction.
Three weeks ago, I could drive my car without an effect on T, no longer.
Two weeks ago, I could take a shower without an effect on T, no longer.
A week ago, I could brush my teeth without an effect on T, no longer.
The way it's going, soon enough, even walking will have an effect on T.
The thought of just taking benzo everyday and slowly up the dose as tolerance build up is more and more often in my mind.
Funny, at 28, I thought 2 month agos that life was forever. I feel right now that signing up for a single year of normal life (or maybe more if I'm lucky) until a benzo overdose is not such a bad deal.
Dying at 30 after a final, meaningful year where I'd do everything I ever wanted to do seems way better than 50 years of that hell if things do not get better.